True Thief fans

So, a while ago I wrote this story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/treasure-beyond-treasure

and posted it unfinished (the first version ended when he spurns her in her library). Of course, it got a low rating because of the incomplete and unsatisfactory ending. I have since completed the story more to my liking, but as stories go on here, they do not bounce to the top when re-edited. With the section it's in (Celebrities and fanfic), it also receives little attention.

This feels a rather vain thread, but I hope to get eyes on this work and see what some seasoned readers think.

Also, I want to know if said readers - hopefully Thief franchise fans - think of my version of Garrett. When I wrote the story, I had only played the Thief 3: Deadly Shadows. After the story was finished, I played the new Thief (2014) and found some likenesses in the quality of writing from Garrett to Garrett (he is very different between game 3 and 4).

I had a difficult time sexualizing him, as in the 3rd game, only a singular fence bothers to comment on him, and she's sort of a floozy.

Give it a read and tell me what you think! (Warning: Some spoilers)

Side note: Don't bother telling me about grammar. As I've said in previous posts, mine is fine compared to the drivel of many stories on this site, and I don't bother editing too heavily on stories I'm not being paid to write.

To the numbnutz that sent me this reply: This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

You say on the forum you can't be bothered editing to fix the many errors because there's lots of "drivel " here that's worse than yours and you aren't getting paid: I agree this site is a hotbed of moronic illiteracy, but if you can't take the time to make your story right, then I can't be bothered to read it.


I was speaking to the grammar Nazis that don't let anything slide, but if you want to be a fucking walnut about it, be my guest.

Jeannette_Savage said:

To the numbnutz that sent me this reply: This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

You say on the forum you can't be bothered editing to fix the many errors because there's lots of "drivel " here that's worse than yours and you aren't getting paid: I agree this site is a hotbed of moronic illiteracy, but if you can't take the time to make your story right, then I can't be bothered to read it.

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Unfortunately not the most diplomatic response but you did say that you couldn’t be bothered to correct your mistakes. You will probably find, if my experience is anything to go by, that if you do get response to this thread that you will get similar comments from very good and experienced writers.

I put my first story, Cherry, up for story feedback, and these are the responses I got to my request.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1474343

Quite rightly it got ripped apart for, amongst other things, my punctuation. I didn’t like it, some comments were quite abusive, but I took heed and corrected the mistakes. Then I submitted an edit. There wasn’t any appreciable increase in the ratings, or any feedback from those that had made comments, but I did get personal satisfaction and it has helped my writing since.

I think if you have a go at correcting your mistakes and then ask if anyone can help you with proof reading then you will get a better response.

Emirus said:

Unfortunately not the most diplomatic response but you did say that you couldn’t be bothered to correct your mistakes. You will probably find, if my experience is anything to go by, that if you do get response to this thread that you will get similar comments from very good and experienced writers.

I put my first story, Cherry, up for story feedback, and these are the responses I got to my request.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1474343

Quite rightly it got ripped apart for, amongst other things, my punctuation. I didn’t like it, some comments were quite abusive, but I took heed and corrected the mistakes. Then I submitted an edit. There wasn’t any appreciable increase in the ratings, or any feedback from those that had made comments, but I did get personal satisfaction and it has helped my writing since.

I think if you have a go at correcting your mistakes and then ask if anyone can help you with proof reading then you will get a better response.

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Thanks for your feedback, none of the below is meant to reflect negatively on your response; this website has more termites in the walls than one expects, and they're sneaky little anons.

I guess everyone seems to be misunderstanding that I said: "I don't bother editing too heavily on stories", that does NOT mean I don't edit, but people tend to glaze over words and put their own assumptions on it.

For the record: I edited it MANY times, from the initial writing period, to the end. But it isn't going to look like a published work, that is the only thing I've been trying to emphasize.

I know for a fact that my grammar is not going to put off most readers on this site, so that's why I made mention that if you're here to correct my grammar, it isn't necessary.

I've also noticed that even if we edit our stories, it doesn't increase much in regard to rating. It seems that the first impression makes or breaks the story, no matter how good. A pity.

Thanks again for your response!

I do also want to make note that you, Emirus, rephrased the Anon's words: "but you did say that you couldn’t be bothered to correct your mistakes", which is an untrue statement. I have quoted myself in saying: "I don't bother editing too heavily on stories", which I have explained in greater detail above.

It is interesting to me how my words are warping, even as the original segment is available for viewing. I wonder how we, as a species in general, are able to complete any task when communication become so quickly unrecognizable when compared to the source material. I think I better understand our political system, now.

Only a reflection

Jeannette_Savage said:

1. I guess everyone seems to be misunderstanding that I said: "I don't bother editing too heavily...

2. For the record: I edited it MANY times...

3. I know for a fact that my grammar is not going to put off most readers...

4. I've also noticed that even if we edit our stories...

Thanks again for your response!

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1. You’re right as to how easy it is to misunderstand as I’ve proved.
2. Accepted
3. You’re correct. Unless it’s really bad readers just read the story.
4. You’re correct. Again it’s only if the punctuation is sufficient to spoil the enjoyment of the story.

People in general could pick holes in all my stories but if it didn’t spoil the story then it’s only my personal satisfaction that is hurt. I’ve given, admittedly a quick, look at your story but as the category is not one I’m personally interested in I’m not the best person to give you any advice. I hope you have more success than with me.

Doesn't appear I am, thanks for taking a peek.

I know nothing of the game. I also didn't read the first version -- in fact, your story is the first story I've read in Celebrities and Fan Fiction. What I can say is limited, but I'll do what I can.

I saw no grammatical problems that interfered with my ability to follow the story.

The story itself leaped through time and events without much explanation, and in the course of it all Liana evolved rather inexplicably from a depressed farm girl with a magical power to a politically powerful socialite. We don't know what her business is. We don't know how the farm girl learned the manners of a lady.

Her affection for Garret is also without explanation. She meets him once when he steals her from the Duke, doesn't even see him again for four or five years, and when they do meet she seems to suffer unrequited love.

Garret himself is a complete mystery, but I imagine that's the plan. There are other features to the story that I'll guess are probably part of the game and I suppose that's acceptable to the fans.

I thought the ending was fairly clever, but all-in-all the story and the characters seemed shallow.

I’m not familiar with the series, but I found it alright for a medieval yarn. I think many people expect stories here to have heavy sexual content, but I’m happy with a more modest amount.

NotWise said:

I know nothing of the game. I also didn't read the first version -- in fact, your story is the first story I've read in Celebrities and Fan Fiction. What I can say is limited, but I'll do what I can.

I saw no grammatical problems that interfered with my ability to follow the story.

The story itself leaped through time and events without much explanation, and in the course of it all Liana evolved rather inexplicably from a depressed farm girl with a magical power to a politically powerful socialite. We don't know what her business is. We don't know how the farm girl learned the manners of a lady.

Her affection for Garret is also without explanation. She meets him once when he steals her from the Duke, doesn't even see him again for four or five years, and when they do meet she seems to suffer unrequited love.

Garret himself is a complete mystery, but I imagine that's the plan. There are other features to the story that I'll guess are probably part of the game and I suppose that's acceptable to the fans.

I thought the ending was fairly clever, but all-in-all the story and the characters seemed shallow.

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Thanks for your input. This is my first work that I jumped from time to time without huge amounts of explanation, and I had a little fun as a writer piecing together several years in which the characters engaged.

My work with Liana focused on someone who'd been very sheltered and had no experience with society. From my point of view Liana had zero hope for a better life that what she was handed. This mysterious stranger (Garrett, of course) saves her and offers her not only a better life, but one she can control. He is the catalyst for her freedom. He becomes, for her, a point of obsession because she doesn't get enough of him, and because he is so prominent in her world (she spins only for him). His absence becomes that space with which she can fantasize about him, making him more than he really is.

The years that develop her are not touched on, because the point of this story was not necessarily to develop Liana's character independently of Garrett, so the gaps of time are left to the reader to understand (4 years passed the first time) that she has developed and changed.

If someone must have the reasoning behind it, it's easy enough to assume she hired a few servants at first, who revere her and treat her highly, especially since she is paying their wages. She took on tutors and became friends with the plutocratic nobles. She even references that she destroyed the duke in her first couple of years. That can't have been done if she were sitting upon her hands. I didn't feel this all was necessary to expound upon, because it is rather boring and I don't think it would make a compelling read.

The business itself is explained in the story: Shipping. She ships goods across the continents by way of the sea (a lot of references within the story - She's taking the Lady Moira's house, something that would be obvious to readers that played Thief: Deadly Shadows) It is an autonomous business that she specifically (within the story) leaves for the head captain to sort out.

Finally, I have learned that love, and obsession, do not follow strict guidelines. It would be ridiculous to assume just because someone has only met someone once, that they can't possibly fall in love with that person. Look at all the beliebers back in the day. Most had never met the twat.

I explained a bit of my own mechanics based on your comments, none of them are meant as criticism. Glad you took the time to read it, it's unfortunate you haven't played the game!

Cheers

Jing83 said:

I’m not familiar with the series, but I found it alright for a medieval yarn. I think many people expect stories here to have heavy sexual content, but I’m happy with a more modest amount.

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Thanks for your feedback. It's actually not medieval, but Victorian and very close to the industrial revolution (I'm basing it off the games, and they still have castles and weird stuff, but they're also becoming technically advanced by the Hammerites, who create all sorts of industrial works). The most recent game (Thief 2014) has mass production, elevators, and electric lights.
I didn't want too much sexual stuff going on, it was more about the emotions between her and Garrett. In fact, I hadn't expected to see this work in the light of day, but I couldn't stop writing it, and eventually wanted some eyes on it, which is why I brought it to Literotica.

I think I mentioned earlier that I had a hard time sexualizing him, and that was why I wanted feedback. Sounds like you found the scenes - if not appetizing - palpable.

Thanks again!