Humor Thread

Svenskaflicka said:

DG Hear, please let me make it clear to you: the fact that it's offensive, doesn't automatically make it funny.

I know that many comedians try to be "in your face" and be brutal and "say things you're not supposed to say", but this isn't bravery, nor is it funny. The reason why people refrain from saying offensive things is because it may not just make other people angry, but it may also hurt their feelings.

May I suggest that next time you feel like posting a misogynic or racistic joke - don't. Tell it to your friends, and spare us.

Click to expand...

Sorry if you get offended easily. I do too at times but I learned that what is funny to some isn't to others. When I don't want to read something like some of the political threads, I hit the back button. Much easier then carrying a grudge. I suggest you do the same.
with respect
DG

redpaint said:

Did you know that?-----

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every
day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of
a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by
a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the
catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is
like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by
ripping the males head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
(thankfully)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven..t got brains.

Click to expand...

Hey Red Who runs these test anyway LOL

Our tax dollars at work.

The Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's
ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.

Dark in Here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet watching them. Her husband came home unexpectedly one day, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside.
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy's father comes home unexpectedly and mom's lover is forced to seek shelter in thee closet together with the peeping-tom son.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost." Being a Catholic the father continues with, "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Bad Analogies

WORST ANALOGIES
(taken from high school papers)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(R.M., Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(R.B., Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(P.S., Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
(R.A., Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(C.S., Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
(R.B., Springfield)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(J.B., Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(G.H., Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(R.B., Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.
(J.H., Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(W.G., Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(P.K., Syracuse)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(R.B., Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(B.F., Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(C.S., Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

Sexual Problem

A guy goes to the doctor:

“So what’s the problem,” says the Doc.

“Well I having some sexual difficulty,” replies the man.

“In cases like this” answers the Doctor, “I find it useful if you start from the very beginning and give me the complete story.”

“OK then,” says the man “I think the best to place to start is when I wake up.

First thing I do is take a shower, where my wife joins me and we go for a morning quickie. She leaves for work before I do, so most mornings I sneak off next door after she goes and shag the my neighbor’s wife. Then I catch the train into the city. If I’m lucky enough to get on the same train as this certain lady I know, we try to sneak off to the washroom for a little mutual pleasure – if you catch what I mean. I can usually talk my secretary into a blowjob during coffee break. And of course I always take my lunch at a downtown hotel where I meet my mistress for some afternoon delight. Most days I knock off early and visit this little brothel I know of to take advantage of their happy hour. By the time I get home my wife is waiting for me with open arms and open legs. Then after dinner we like to invite over other like minded couples for some partner swapping.”

The doctor just looked at the man incredulously.

“So then what’s the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, this is a little embarrassing, but it hurts when I masturbate.”

redpaint said:

Darwin Award

And this year's nominee is:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above
the road at the apex of a curve.

Click to expand...

That one should be retired: Unlike most of the supposed "Darwin Awards" floating around the web, this one is a complete fabrication and the subject of the Mythbusters very first episode -- some five years ago already!

It never happened and it could NOT happen in any manner close to the described circumstances.

redpaint said:

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

Click to expand...

Another old chestnut that should be retired.

Those supposed discrepancies and corrective actions (or similar ones) have been around since the 1950's before Quantas even existed and have been blamed on nearly every airline in existance as well as most military aviation elements.

Also, no aircraft mechanic would ever post more than one of those frivolous responses because he'd be fired or court martialed for doing it.

DG Hear said:

Hey Red Who runs these test anyway LOL

Our tax dollars at work.

Click to expand...

Most likey

Weird Harold said:

Another old chestnut that should be retired.

Those supposed discrepancies and corrective actions (or similar ones) have been around since the 1950's before Quantas even existed and have been blamed on nearly every airline in existance as well as most military aviation elements.

Also, no aircraft mechanic would ever post more than one of those frivolous responses because he'd be fired or court martialed for doing it.

Click to expand...

Ture, but then its ment to be a joke not something that happens.

Weird Harold said:

That one should be retired: Unlike most of the supposed "Darwin Awards" floating around the web, this one is a complete fabrication and the subject of the Mythbusters very first episode -- some five years ago already!

It never happened and it could NOT happen in any manner close to the described circumstances.

Click to expand...

Huh.... Did you happen top see where this was posted???

This is a Humor thread. Not an educational thread. Ligten up people and Laugh a little.

Oh I like watching Mythbusters too.

Tough room in here today.

People Please try to understand these are just jokes. None of them are ment to hurt anyone. we poke fun at any and everyone and thing. some of the jokes are old some are new, you just never know what you may find with in these pages.

What we hope to do is to put a smile on your face and brighten your day, even if for just a little bit. We are not politcal correct in are jokes. We are not sexest, racest, hatemongers, Ect. Some jokes may offend you some may not.

The name of this thread should say it all HUMOR THREAD

So please be kind to the people that take the time to try and bring alittle humor to us each day.

redpaint said:

Tough room in here today.

People Please try to understand these are just jokes. None of them are ment to hurt anyone. we poke fun at any and everyone and thing. some of the jokes are old some are new, you just never know what you may find with in these pages.

What we hope to do is to put a smile on your face and brighten your day, even if for just a little bit. We are not politcal correct in are jokes. We are not sexest, racest, hatemongers, Ect. Some jokes may offend you some may not.

The name of this thread should say it all HUMOR THREAD

So please be kind to the people that take the time to try and bring alittle humor to us each day.

Click to expand...

Just let it go Red. We'll just post our stuff and those that want to are welcome to join us or have their own thread and post their own type humor. If no one wants to read our shit, then we'll just stop posting. Until then, post whatever you want.
DG Hear
Amen

redpaint said:

Huh.... Did you happen top see where this was posted???

This is a Humor thread. Not an educational thread. Ligten up people and Laugh a little.

Oh I like watching Mythbusters too.

Click to expand...

If it were presented as just a generic good ol' boy mishap, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but when jokes are misattributed or presented as current events and true stories some 30 years after they supposedly happened, they're not funny any more.

The first was presented as being "this year's Darwin Award" which it is not, nor is it even an actual previous Darwin Award. Misrepresenting that story as a Darwin Award depreciates the credibility of the actual Darwin Awards.

The second joke about airplane discrepancies has just been posted too many times in this thread already -- along with about a dozen others you cycle through about every three or four days.

If you want to keep us laughing, find a couple of new jokes instead of posting the same jokes over and over.

An Observation

I was talking with some friends the other day about the first person to try different things. An example is the first person ever to eat an apple (Adam and Eve) which got us in trouble. Or the first person to eat an orange or watermelon. Did they try eating the outside rind first, I wonder?

Anyway, the one that gets me the most is the first person to eat an egg. Picture this: Some people see a chicken walking around and all of a sudden it drops an egg. One person says; "Did you see that white thing drop out of that chickens ass? Damn, was that something. Let's crack it open and try eating it."

Someone had to be first. Just glad it wasn't me. Do you readers know of any firsts or wonder about any? Maybe I just think too much. haha
DG Hear

An Oldie but goodie

This one makes me laugh.
DG

A woman went to her boyfriend's parents house for
Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she was very nervous. They all sat down and began eating a fine meal.

The woman began to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains were almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve
herself a bit and let out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that
had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face.
minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much
louder and longer "rrriiippp"

The father again looked at the dog and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another
one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle
blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with
disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she
shits on you!"

A Sad Day Indeed

Ok, this is old but it's still funny
DG

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Cake Wrecks.

Scroll down a bit for the hamburger made with a Krispy Kreme donut.

rgraham666 said:

Cake Wrecks.

Scroll down a bit for the hamburger made with a Krispy Kreme donut.

Click to expand...

NIce find.... Now I want some cake.

Weird Harold said:

If it were presented as just a generic good ol' boy mishap, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but when jokes are misattributed or presented as current events and true stories some 30 years after they supposedly happened, they're not funny any more.

The first was presented as being "this year's Darwin Award" which it is not, nor is it even an actual previous Darwin Award. Misrepresenting that story as a Darwin Award depreciates the credibility of the actual Darwin Awards.

The second joke about airplane discrepancies has just been posted too many times in this thread already -- along with about a dozen others you cycle through about every three or four days.

If you want to keep us laughing, find a couple of new jokes instead of posting the same jokes over and over.

Click to expand...

If ya don't like the jokes I post.......Then post your own.

Broccoli Casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!' Once again the ! woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to l et another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog wit h disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!' .

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with

the conversation.


Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? ' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, And where do you think you're going?!' (You're gonna love this....) She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

redpaint said:

NIce find.... Now I want some cake.

Click to expand...

I want some Butter Pecan ice cream with mine.
DG

Perfect Employee? I don't think so.

Very Interesting as Artie on the old Laugh-in would say.

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.