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Feedback on 'Nursing a relationship' wanted!

H

Halin24

Experienced
Joined
Sep 10, 2015
Posts
48
Hi!

I am quite new here and had my first story released a few days ago:

https://www.literotica.com/s/nursing-a-relationship-1

I have had a couple of comments on it, favourable I might add, but would like more 'in depth'. First of all i want to say that english isn`t my first language (You will probably notice from how I write...), so

there is no need to point out that the spelling is off and the vocabulary is a bit thin. I also know that I tend to construct sentences along swedish guide-lines. I have tried to find a Volunteer Editor to help

with that, but without luck, so I choose to submit it anyway. No, what I am intereted in is more like over-all writing-style, what would make it better, what is good/adequate/lousy, things like that. I have thick skin, so don`t hold back.

Like I said it is my first story released here although it isn`t by far the first I have written. I wanted to start off with something short, fast and soft and wrote it along those lines in a day. It`s something

like 8000 words, without a lot of 'flesh' on the characters and without any sex at all (sex is mentioned but not described). It is purely romantic and i try to add some dry humour when i write.


Oh, and I have a question also:

When I saw that it was up I was surprised to see that the vote said 4.81 with 1000 reads and 20 or so votes. The first evening it dropped like a stone to 4.20 with 2500 reads and maybe 40 votes, to

slowly climb again to 4.32. I don`t mind the drop, I would say that 4.20 is flattering and 4.80 is shocking, but is it the usual scenario that it starts high and drop that much? In my mind it would be

the average readers all the time and the vote should be more or less constant. Just a thought, but as Ì am new I try to figure out how things work.

Thanks for any response
Halin24
 
It was soft and comfortable. A day-in-the-life type story.

It needs a plot. Some theme that drives action through it. There was too much description and not enough doing. Your early descriptions, though interesting, played little part in the rest of story. You spent a lot of time describing the couples different temperaments, then it never came up again.

Unless you're documenting your life, I would find a plot line to follow. Something richer than normal family decision making.

Note: My opinions are my own and may suck. If you like what you write, then ignore my bull. You will find an audience either way.
 
If you are searching for a Volunteer Editor, the first thing you need to do is turn on your private message function. Next you can go to the volunteer editor page and look through them to see who bet looks like what you are needing.
 
Thank you, DreamCloud

No, what you say is neither 'bull' or 'sucks'. It is an opinion, and that is what I`m asking for. If there were nothing I could do better I wouldn`t have a reason to write basically

As you say, a plot would be good. This was a hurried story, though: I had a basic idea, started writing and continued until I reached some kind of ending, checked for major errors and posted it (having some trouble trying to paste it: it looked like shit before I sent the .odt!). I wanted to get something out there to see the reaction when others read it, despite not really knowing if it was linear, coherent or anything.

It isn`t a typical story from me in a way: I tend to write long, 30- to 60.000 words, and 'spread out'. My ultimate goal was to keep it short this time, and that is a challenge for me. Still, the reactions seems to be positive so I guess I did something right anyway.


Thanks for the input DreamCloud!

Halin24
 
Tigersman

Thank you for pointing that out!
I had no idea that I had to activate the private message function, thought it was kind of a 'standard setting'. Shows that I`m new I guess.

About the Volunteer Editors: I have tried that, or rather I am trying still. Not that easy really, a lot of names, lot of old posts and, I guess, a picky writer (me!). First of all, an ill-written (in my humble opinion) 'ad' is sorted out at once (kind of says that they need help themselves...), bragging and arrogance goes out the window too (I need help with the language and someone to discuss the story with, not receiving a 'directive from God' so to speak) . I also have concentrated on new ad's after seeing something about old, inactive posts not being removed. I have contacted a handfull so far without an answer, giving them time to reply (two weeks). Hopefully it will change sooner or later, or maybe I should change tactic. We`ll see.

Halin24
 
Did you go to the Editor's Forum here in the BB or the "volunteer editors" in the story side of Lit?
 
I may have had a similar experience. When I initially joined Literotica it was primarily to get feedback on a story. I used the volunteer editors list (not the BB forum), tried to contact two editors and never received a reply of any kind.

I wondered if the list might be somehow broken.
 
Regarding the score.. It can vary very widely early on, and as your vote count gets higher, and as the story ceases to be new, the variation diminishes.

Very roughly speaking, by about 100 votes, the swing will probably stay +/- 0.05 or so, all numbers approximate. Here's a chart showing how much a low vote affects the score early on vs. later. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1226676
 
Here is my indepth review. I won't mention spelling except for the one word-busy-but only because you misspelled it every time you used it.

Stories that start out giving a boring listing of how a person looks and their vital statistics usually lose me right away. There are so many more creative ways to describe someone rather than the "let's get this out of the way so I can get on with the story" approach. You don't mention physical characteristics again, so why is this even important?

The narrator is very likeable. I felt as if he was talking to me and telling me a story. I enjoyed the easy flow and the occasional references to the reader. It kept me involved. Leading into the fight by telling us you are happy but still argue, then giving us the example works really well. When you brought up your fight I didn't think your transition was as clear. I wasn't expecting another fight example and actually went back to reread it to see what I had missed that led into it.

The humorous example wasn't really funny, it was very ordinary and I didn't see anything worth laughing over. Still it fits well into the tone of the story. When you take a paragraph to sum up what you have written before, it reinforces the feel of a narrator telling me a story. I liked it.

The example of Celia behind a bush all of a sudden was a little confusing. I thought the kids were squiriting him with water and then there was a cookie shoved in his mouth, I was confused...a little more lead up than

"One saturday when I had suggested that we should pour concrete over it all before I went out to start, Celia stood up behind a bush all of a sudden."

So she stood up behind a bush suddenly before you went out to start mowing. Who were you speaking to about the concrete then? How did she change so fast from the time you started mowing to her standing up behind the bush? This sentence needs to be changed.

A nice lead in to talk about the kids and how they are an important part of your family. Then chatting about school issues. The examples are short enough to keep my attention and all the examples wrap themselves up with no loose ends.

"Are we then the strange family that do odd things and behave like assholes when accused of anything? Maybe we are, but I'll leave that to you to decide on, and frankly I don't care what you might think. "

Well then...where did this anger and nastiness come from? Unexpected, completely without any justification and you realize you are accusing me, the reader, of implying this when I have said nothing. If you don't care what I think, then frankly why should I read your story? Offending the reader out of the blue when you seem to be a very mild mannered narrator just telling a story is very odd and stands out in a bad way.

"Like I said we were economically well off with Celia's income."

You didn't say this, you said she earned more than you and you couldn't live off of your salary. Not the same thing. The bigger issue is that you mention a boat, almost like an afterthought, then talk about Alice and living arrangements, then...tell us the boat deserves a special chapter. That was jarring and confusing as well. Put the special chapter of the boat after you mention the boat. I didn't see the story of Alice being connected to the boat at all and the nice easy flow was again interrupted with something unexpected.

The rest of the story flows on...

This was a story without any catch or conflict. Sure you told us a story of a fight, but the narrator had no conflict. You were telling us this because...? Did you learn something? Overcome some obstacle? Have a life lesson for us? You just wanted to tell us about your life. Nothing wrong with it but it was very pleasant and not memorable. I kinda liked it because the narrator was likeable and except for the weird burst of anger, it was alright. This is one of those stories you read on a ho hum day to make you realize there is nothing wrong with things being ok. I would prefer to not read stories that are just "ok" but this is a good example of one that mostly works.
 
NotWise said:
I may have had a similar experience. When I initially joined Literotica it was primarily to get feedback on a story. I used the volunteer editors list (not the BB forum), tried to contact two editors and never received a reply of any kind.

I wondered if the list might be somehow broken.
Click to expand...

Mostly opinion, but I don't think anything is broken, it's just that there aren't that many people who want to be editors. They are volunteers doing something specialized, for free, and they are in very limited supply. Same via the list or the editors forum.

It's more a case that the ways you might find an editor are presented in too optimistic sounding terms. Keep trying, but keep your expectations in check. Good luck!
 
I've heard, in terms of the Volunteer Editor's link, there are people who are no longer members ("just disappeared" or even asked to have an account closed) and that the list hasn't been "cleaned up" or updated in years, though. In those terms, it is "broken".
 
EquinoxRising said:
I've heard, in terms of the Volunteer Editor's link, there are people who are no longer members ("just disappeared" or even asked to have an account closed) and that the list hasn't been "cleaned up" or updated in years, though. In those terms, it is "broken".
Click to expand...

You're quite likely 100 percent correct, since there's certainly no shortage of broken things to be fixed.

I think my answer is pretty close to 100 percent correct too, though, that there is a short supply of editors, so it does require some really good karma to seek out and find one successfully. Now and then, you see posts where people tried the volunteer editor's list, and the response is, "Thar's yer problem!", but I think the reality is just that there aren't that many people out there. Still worth trying though, some people do indeed find them!
 
jsmiam said:
You're quite likely 100 percent correct, since there's certainly no shortage of broken things to be fixed.

I think my answer is pretty close to 100 percent correct too, though, that there is a short supply of editors, so it does require some really good karma to seek out and find one successfully. Now and then, you see posts where people tried the volunteer editor's list, and the response is, "Thar's yer problem!", but I think the reality is just that there aren't that many people out there. Still worth trying though, some people do indeed find them!
Click to expand...

Yes, you are as well. :)

The BB's Editor's Forum is a better choice, though. At least there are Lit members actively posting (many on a daily basis, too!). :) Still need luck or karma on your side to find the best match!
 
Thanks for response

Thank you, everyone who have responded in one way or another!

In answer to EquinoxRising: I used the "Volunteer editors" link in my 'personal page', but as I believe I said, there are a lot of names, most of them dating several years back, and it is impossible to know which one's are still 'active'.

Iceprincess12: A special thanks to you! I appreciate the time and effort you invested to give me your opinion. You gave me several things to consider and analyze! Some things I am aware of but missed, others I hadn`t reflected on at all. Ì am not sure that I agree on everything, but on the other hand I can`t say that you are wrong either, so I will have to see what it really is that I have written. After all it is easy to have a clear picture of what is happening in the story when you write but neglect to actually put it in words, especially when using a dictionary to find the proper word or figuring out spelling. I at least tend to lose the 'thread' and have to read back, and after 15 read-throughs I don`t 'see' the words.

About 'busy': As soon as i saw it I knew you were right. I have found out that the spell-check isn`t working at all, so every word I am unsure of now, I have to look up in a dictionary. This one I was sure of, though I was wrong!

Thank you all again!

Halin24
 
Halin24 said:
Thank you, everyone who have responded in one way or another!

In answer to EquinoxRising: I used the "Volunteer editors" link in my 'personal page', but as I believe I said, there are a lot of names, most of them dating several years back, and it is impossible to know which one's are still 'active'.

Iceprincess12: A special thanks to you! I appreciate the time and effort you invested to give me your opinion. You gave me several things to consider and analyze! Some things I am aware of but missed, others I hadn`t reflected on at all. Ì am not sure that I agree on everything, but on the other hand I can`t say that you are wrong either, so I will have to see what it really is that I have written. After all it is easy to have a clear picture of what is happening in the story when you write but neglect to actually put it in words, especially when using a dictionary to find the proper word or figuring out spelling. I at least tend to lose the 'thread' and have to read back, and after 15 read-throughs I don`t 'see' the words.

About 'busy': As soon as i saw it I knew you were right. I have found out that the spell-check isn`t working at all, so every word I am unsure of now, I have to look up in a dictionary. This one I was sure of, though I was wrong!

Thank you all again!

Halin24
Click to expand...


Very welcome! Thank you for considering my feedback.
 
Iceprincess12 said:
Here is my indepth review. I won't mention spelling except for the one word-busy-but only because you misspelled it every time you used it.

Stories that start out giving a boring listing of how a person looks and their vital statistics usually lose me right away. There are so many more creative ways to describe someone rather than the "let's get this out of the way so I can get on with the story" approach. You don't mention physical characteristics again, so why is this even important?

The narrator is very likeable. I felt as if he was talking to me and telling me a story. I enjoyed the easy flow and the occasional references to the reader. It kept me involved. Leading into the fight by telling us you are happy but still argue, then giving us the example works really well. When you brought up your fight I didn't think your transition was as clear. I wasn't expecting another fight example and actually went back to reread it to see what I had missed that led into it.

The humorous example wasn't really funny, it was very ordinary and I didn't see anything worth laughing over. Still it fits well into the tone of the story. When you take a paragraph to sum up what you have written before, it reinforces the feel of a narrator telling me a story. I liked it.

The example of Celia behind a bush all of a sudden was a little confusing. I thought the kids were squiriting him with water and then there was a cookie shoved in his mouth, I was confused...a little more lead up than

"One saturday when I had suggested that we should pour concrete over it all before I went out to start, Celia stood up behind a bush all of a sudden."

So she stood up behind a bush suddenly before you went out to start mowing. Who were you speaking to about the concrete then? How did she change so fast from the time you started mowing to her standing up behind the bush? This sentence needs to be changed.

A nice lead in to talk about the kids and how they are an important part of your family. Then chatting about school issues. The examples are short enough to keep my attention and all the examples wrap themselves up with no loose ends.

"Are we then the strange family that do odd things and behave like assholes when accused of anything? Maybe we are, but I'll leave that to you to decide on, and frankly I don't care what you might think. "

Well then...where did this anger and nastiness come from? Unexpected, completely without any justification and you realize you are accusing me, the reader, of implying this when I have said nothing. If you don't care what I think, then frankly why should I read your story? Offending the reader out of the blue when you seem to be a very mild mannered narrator just telling a story is very odd and stands out in a bad way.

"Like I said we were economically well off with Celia's income."

You didn't say this, you said she earned more than you and you couldn't live off of your salary. Not the same thing. The bigger issue is that you mention a boat, almost like an afterthought, then talk about Alice and living arrangements, then...tell us the boat deserves a special chapter. That was jarring and confusing as well. Put the special chapter of the boat after you mention the boat. I didn't see the story of Alice being connected to the boat at all and the nice easy flow was again interrupted with something unexpected.

The rest of the story flows on...

This was a story without any catch or conflict. Sure you told us a story of a fight, but the narrator had no conflict. You were telling us this because...? Did you learn something? Overcome some obstacle? Have a life lesson for us? You just wanted to tell us about your life. Nothing wrong with it but it was very pleasant and not memorable. I kinda liked it because the narrator was likeable and except for the weird burst of anger, it was alright. This is one of those stories you read on a ho hum day to make you realize there is nothing wrong with things being ok. I would prefer to not read stories that are just "ok" but this is a good example of one that mostly works.
Click to expand...

I call lists THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS. Twelve lords a leaping, five gold rings! four calling birds, three French hens etc.
 
Christmas lists!! Great idea, never too early to start!
 
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