first story, looking for feedback

Hi. I just published a story in the First Time section, titled Heather's Virgin. Id love to know what you think. Thanks.

https//www.literotica.com/heathers-virgin

I thought your story was a sad but too often true one. I think you could write a second chapter with Gerald getting mad enough to hit the gym turning into a hunk. As for the mechanics of the story I noticed punctuation problems, capitalization problems and spelling problems. I've edited stories where different POV were used but each POV was longer. It's quite evident you did not run the story by an editor.

DerekM said:

Hi. I just published a story in the First Time section, titled Heather's Virgin. Id love to know what you think. Thanks.

https//www.literotica.com/heathers-virgin

Click to expand...

I am not going to address any punctuation or technical issues as I have my own to sort out and there are others here who will do it better. I liked what you tried to do with the viewpoints. I felt the storytelling was undermined by the certainty of where this was going. I never felt in any doubt what would happen. I believe if you are going to use this method, it would work better without Cassandra's viewpoint. If it focused on just the two I think you could create a better balance and a story where the end could appear with a bit more tension. I didn't quite buy into the Heather character as I felt she turned much too easily.

Overall though I did enjoy reading , so please keep writing.
Thank you for posting here.