Awkward Conversation Assistance Please...

HoneyBrunette

Really Experienced
Joined
Feb 8, 2014
Posts
109
Right... straight into it... sex is getting boring! I can really and truly, actually predict his next move every single time and it's turning me off.

Ive tried hinting (at the time, and when we are not in the bedroom), Ive tried demonstrating by changing things up myself (leading by example). Yesterday I actually moved his hand and specifically named something else that i wanted. He just went back to what he had been doing...

So Im going to have to tackle this more directly. Obviously.
Because it has been going on like this for a while and it is annoying me, I am not sure that I am able to remain calm and have the conversation in a way that is productive rather than causing him upset and having him shut down.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it? Any suggestions on how to discuss this without coming across as being critical?

Thanks in advance!!
 
Wow. Ask a tough one why don't you?

**pause to gather thoughts**

Alright, so take it with a grain of salt. And seriously think it through before you follow any advice I might give, whether overt or implied. But, here's my take on the situation.

First and foremost, you have a need that is not getting met. Not your fault and not his fault so far. It happens. Now, if you don't explain this need in a way that he should understand and it continues to not be met, then that's on you. If on the other hand, he does completely understand and does not take steps, then that's on him.


And neither is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes people are just incompatible and don't discover it until the first blush is over and the endorphins fade and they realize that their rut is actually too far apart for the relationship wheels to ride smoothly.


Now, here's the thing. And again, this is just my opinion. But, actively during sex, or even in a situation where sex is possible, is probably not the best place to have this conversation. And, yes. I read and understood that you are not in the bedroom when you have tried hinting. But, then you mentioned that you moved his hand and named something specific and he just went back to what he had always done.


The thing is, hints don't work. I would have said that even if you hadn't indicated that you feel like they aren't. In his mind, there is a playbook. And he's gotten this far running the plays from the playbook. And things are swell. Or at least they have seemed to be up to this point.


And... Well, I'm not sure how to say this, but it has been my experiences that probably 78% of the time, if the female indicates that things are not going so well in the bedroom, the male is going to make the leap to penis size. 'Cause, of course, penis size is all that's important, don't ya know?


*shrug* And I don't know. I don't know a damn thing other than exactly what you posted. It may be that his penis isn't as big as your preferred dildo and you need something more from him to get your motor running so it's acceptable. But, whether it's true or not, like I say, about 78% of the time the scared little boy in the back of his mind is going to make that assumption.


So, yeah. It's pretty important, I think, that you have clear in your own mind just what it is that is your dissatisfaction before you sit him down to have this discussion.


Oh, and for fuck's sake, don't take on a serious expression and say "We need to talk." Probably 87% of men cue on that as a code phrase for "she's dumping me." And his mind is automatically going to go to "she wants someone else. I wonder if it's that guy from Tech Support."


Mmmm. So, yeah. Be as clear in your own mind exactly what it is you are after. Be ready to peel him off the ceiling on those two topics if they come up and understand that you didn't necessarily put his demons there any more than he gave all of yours birth.

Uh.

Other than that, I would just mention that there are a plethora of books on the subject available if you want to go the self-help route. Without more clues, I can't be more specific beyond saying to take anything by Cosmo or Dr. Phil with a huge leavening of salt. Oh, and... well... Marriage Counselors should really be called Relationship Translators. And it can be beneficial to have a disinterested third party interpreter there for The Conversation if you are so inclined.


Sorry I couldn't be more help. But, best of luck for the sun out of your eyes and the wind at your back for brighter orgasms on the morrow.
 
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Thanks PuckIt.

Interesting to read your thoughts. They mostly mirror my own on the topic šŸ˜Š its such a hard situation (no pun intended).

I just want to say to him quite forcefully... there is more to a boob than a nipple! There is more to me than a nipple!! But that actually wont help the situation (unless you think being that blunt would help clarify the situation??).

I do love him and dont want to cause hurt... im just not sure how to ask for what I need and want... I feel that that is something I ought to be able to do by this stage in my life!

And I agree with your play book analogy. Inital experimentation... found what works... keep doing that...

Penis size could actually be where this stems from. Although more in a "there's this!! What more could a girl want??" Kind of way than a "its not big enough for her" kind of way. Big dick: lazy lover?
 
OH!

Um, yes... Well. Ah.

*cough*

Let's just say that once upon a time, I had to have it explained to me that there was more to a boob than a nipple, too. In EXACTLY those words.

Perhaps fortunately, I responded well to being informed that a small circle on the side of the breast might be a more positive experience, for both of us, than trying to plunk my arrow straight in the bullseye on the first draw.

Um, yeah. So, I can't remember specific titles or even authors, but what you are looking for centers around more of foreplay.

I strongly recommend investigating erotic massage techniques and pushing to bring that into play in your relationship. That makes it a little more about "let's try this, Honey" instead of "you're doing it wrong."
 
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Lady C learned a long time ago, that I wonā€™t see a hint unless it hits me squarely in the face.
On the other hand I have never denied her anything she asked me to do.

:heart:
 
oh for fuck sake just talk. I find it bizarre how some turn the most simple things to solve into a monumental issue by failing to communicate.

"I'd like to spice things up..."

"Let's turn the heat up on our sex life..."

"Can we try something new..."

just talk and be honest

if he is so bloody insecure about it all then he is not worth keeping - flick him off and find another. Life is too short for that nonsense.
 
Check it Out!

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You know what... you guys are right! I really need to stop using energy in the wrong place. Rather than being rightly upset about the situation I am in, Im using energy to worry about how he will react to being told his actions are upsetting me.

How crazy is that!?!?

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. I appreciate the input.

Xx
 
I have not had this problem but if I did, I would do one or more of the following:

Tie him up. Use scarves and tie them loosely so he can easily get out if that freaks him out. Then have your way with him. Show him what you want.

Masturbate. I would probably start out with some erotic dancing but then I'm a dancer. You don't have to do that. Use your hands or toys or whatever to show him what you like.

Watch porn together. Comment on what things you think are hot.

Write him a story. Put truthful things in there that you guys have already done but add in details of what you want him to do.

He may or may not get the hint. Apparently some people are clueless.
 
Right... straight into it... sex is getting boring! I can really and truly, actually predict his next move every single time and it's turning me off.

Ive tried hinting (at the time, and when we are not in the bedroom), Ive tried demonstrating by changing things up myself (leading by example). Yesterday I actually moved his hand and specifically named something else that i wanted. He just went back to what he had been doing...

So Im going to have to tackle this more directly. Obviously.
Because it has been going on like this for a while and it is annoying me, I am not sure that I am able to remain calm and have the conversation in a way that is productive rather than causing him upset and having him shut down.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it? Any suggestions on how to discuss this without coming across as being critical?

Thanks in advance!!
Ordinarily I would say to approach it the same way you would approach any other conversation on any given subject. It's pretty clear though that there is an absolute failure to communicate here. Ordinarily I say that takes two but in this case when he's already demonstrated that he will directly ignore what you're telling him to do during sex it seems kind of unlikely that he's a very open to feedback sort of guy.
 
Here's the thing, the poor guy probably believes he has mastered "The Moves" you need for a good time. He has developed his system and it almost always works. Maybe the developed that system before he met you. Most guys have one. If his system seems to work, most of the time, then you might wind up missing it if he abandons it completely.

He needs to have more than one "go-to" system in his playbook. It's like being able to make a great souffle. Yeah, that's impressive, but if that's the ONLY thing you know how to make, life is going to get pretty boring!
 
Writing a letter is a great way to figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it.
 
I've found that when attempting to change a man's standard sexual repertoire, the worst time to try to do that is in the midst of a sexual encounter, when his control and attention is in the process being passed form the big head to the little head. Try talking about it in a non-sexual environment, like when you're having dinner or watching TV together. (Preferably NOT during a game, but if it must be, hold off until halftime.) You might preface diving right by saying something like, "There's been something on my mind that I'd like to talk with you about, if that's OK." Try to make the opening and the subsequent discussion neutral and avoid negative words that might put him on the defensive. People tend to shut down on accepting input when they're on the defensive.
 
I could be off base here, but a few of your words did catch my attention. I was struck by your comments about thinking about what he might do next while having sex. Sounds like there really isnā€™t much passion involved for either of you if thatā€™s the case? That hints at bigger issues to me personally.

Perhaps thereā€™s other issues within the relationship itself? Or perhaps youā€™ve let these issues (and/or other issues as well) fester far too long to the point where theyā€™ve become much more frustrating to the point of taking away from your own lust and passion for him? I only mention this because it sounds likely that even if he did learn some new moves your emotional mindset may not be impacted to the level you want. Just to be clear: that is not in any way meant to be heaping any blame on you here! The lack of passion (as I read it?) just might continue to be a barrier to greater intimacy if some of the foundational issues remain.

So, perhaps itā€™s just technical issues; and getting him to pay more attention, and to be able to broaden the variety in his bag of tricks might fix everything? I kind of suspect thereā€™s more to it than that however; and just focusing on how to tell him how to be a better lover could backfire in some respects, if not done well. Remember that if he interprets the conversation as ā€œsheā€™s not satisfied by me, thinks Iā€™m a poor lover, etcā€, his self confidence, his lust, and his passion may all take a big hit. Definitely not helpful towards your goals.

If it were me, Iā€™d switch focus towards reigniting his lust levels a bit, and then continuing to give hints, suggestions, and even direct requests about other things you like. Iā€™d hope that would make a positive impact, and With each small improvement it should only get easier to get him to try new things and build on that. Either way, you canā€™t go wrong in stoking the lust fires a bit! Just a few thoughts right off the top of my head:

Communication- always good, always, always, always! Youā€™ve been trying some, keep trying, but also broaden your tactics to find the words and actions that he can understand. Finding opportunities to have open discussions about sex and fantasies might pay off well. If youā€™ve not done so already, start asking him a lot more about what really excites him and why. Perhaps he might himself have things that heā€™s not found a way to share with you, and that could easily put a major dent in his overall libido and motivation levels.

Expand on your own-donā€™t expect or wait for him to spice things up, add more yourself! Lead by example, and show him how much better sex can get. There is a very high probability that he too is less than thrilled with your current sex life; if youā€™re as bored as you seem to be with your sex life I cannot imagine it being very thrilling or inspiring for him. Even a little bit more excitement coming from your end might help light his fire a bit more too? Surprise him! Who doesnā€™t like sexy surprises šŸ˜ If nothing else you might have more fun by adding in something new or different.

Feed the fire- Be sure to add a little more romance and passion into your everyday lives too! Even the slightest little things really do add up, and as we get more complacent or lazy (and less interested) in doing them, the love and lust fires start to die. I personally love the very process of looking for ways to make my wife feel special, admired, loved, and desired, OH so desired!!! Time spent thinking of ways to show her how I feel, and thinking of ways to make her feel loved and desired, ends up also serving to remind me just how important and special she is to me and why.

Hopefully you are able to improve and build on your relationship and your sex life together. I wish you both the best of luck!
 
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