Want to try being dom, but not sure I'd be any good at it

For a long time I've been drawn to the idea of being dom, but I have conflicting feelings about it, and conflicting desires, and not sure I'd do it properly.

On the one hand, I am massively turned on by control and objectification. One of the best experiences I've ever had was with a woman (I'm male btw) I had a brief fling with, and one morning when I'd been staying at hers for a few days, we had a shower together and afterwards she was drying her hair on the sofa wrapped in her towel, and I sat next to her and we cuddled and then kissed, and then I spontaneously opened up her towel, lay her down on the sofa, and put my cock into her and fucked her. She'd already told me one of the first times we'd fucked that she'd never had an orgasm, didn't masturbate, didn't like it when guys saw that as a challenge, and I think because of that it was really freeing to not have the thoughts I usually have in my head during sex, of is it good for my partner, how close is she, is there anything else I should be doing, how close am I, and all that sort of thing. I fucked her and came in about a minute, just using her for my own pleasure, like she was just a warm body with a wet hole. I've since had a few hot experiences since in that sort of vein, where a partner tells me she's my cumslut, there to service my cock, and that sort of thing. Those have been hot, but never as good as that one time where for a few moments, she really was.

I'm sort of expecting people to tell me that something like that isn't at ALL what being a dom is about, that it's about maintaining control of yourself and the situation rather than that kind of sexual abandon, which if anything, I gather is that the sub goes through.

Most of the time I feel pretty awkward about taking control, or acting out a role. I've had partners ask me to be a bit dominant with them, or do things like tie them up or spank them, and I often feel a bit silly, like I'm acting out a part that I don't really believe in or know how to play. I feel like dropping the pretence at any moment, and saying 'hey I feel a bit daft doing this'. Equally, I want to please and satisfy a partner, and I can imagine myself asking a sub to tell me exactly what she wants me to do and the following that like a script, which would probably not really maintain the mood.

I do get massively turned on by some of the posts people write here about what they've done, or like to do. And I've seen some personal ads that turn me on too, and I've tried replying to a few of them.

For starters though, I'm never sure how to reply. They always post only in character, as it were: they want to be told what to do / punished / humiliated / made to do whatever. I kind of want to answer in kind, and say I'll do this and that to you, but I also want to say things like hey, I'm actually a sane person, I know about safe words, I'm not just some crazy pervert dude on the internet. Then I worry that'll ruin the effect.

I feel I want to ask 'what do you want me to tell you to do' but then that won't come across as very dom at all, more service top. On the other hand, I want to go with my fantasies, and say something like 'I'd like to make you wear a butt plug' (for example), but then what if that's something the ad poster is totally not into?

And if I actually met someone through an ad, do you discuss what you're going to do 'in character', or do you have a sort of plain conversation about the things you're both going to do?

For instance, I replied to an ad yesterday by someone wanting humiliation and control, and I had an idea about how I could tell her to piss herself. Not a turn-on for me, but I figured it might be for her. But then I worry about suggesting it in case she's horrified by the idea! And saying 'I could tell you to piss yourself, if you'd like that sort of thing, but if you don't, that's fine' make me sound not very dominant at all, more like Hugh Grant at his most hesitant!

So yeah, I'm sort of expecting people to reply to this post saying 'you are in no way a dom or suited to even trying it, stop kidding yourself', or 'you haven't understood how this works at all'... be gentle with me

I understand lol

Without realising it this became a very long post. Sorry for that but I hope it helps.

Hey gonzo I think I understand what you mean. For awhile I always thought that I was a dom but was hesitant to try anything because I had the same issue. I love objectifying a sub, making her my own personal fuck toy and do whatever I want. Yet I was also concerned for the persons safety and not offending them. So I avoided it thinking I was just to nice to be a dom.

Well recently I kinda fell into a dom sub online relationship. For the most part we've just talked for awhile. What shw liked and wanted, what i liked and wanted. Yesterday was the first time we really did anything dom or sub like.

I asked her about public play, ever masturbated in public or some thing like that, and she sad no. So I told her to get in her car and do it.

The whole time I was concerned for her because she was at college in the middle of the day, she said people were walking almost right next to her. She also said that she was soaked before she even reached into her panties.

I myself was so aroused and excited by how she submitted to me and did as I said that my hands shook and I couldn't sit still, I had to stand up and walk around to burn off some energy.

The whole thing was very brief but it had a huge impact. After that I started getting more aggressive and by the end of the day I had her go to the bathroom and take a video of her spanking herself 3 times very hard for braking a rule.

I believe that you, like I did, just need to take the first step. I'm still hesitant to do or say things, but I have much more confidence now. I think the most important thing to do, is to talk to the possible sub before you get into anything.

Make sure she understands your position and you understand hers. Let her know that you want to use her and control her like she wants, but it's knew for you. If you do give her a command or punishment, talk to her after its over so you know how she felt about it.

My new sub said she hate spanking herself, it was degrading, humiliating and embarrassing. But even through all that she was about to sit on the toilet and finger herself to a huge orgaam if I had let her.

To some it all up, I do think you are or could be a dom. You just need to work your way into it. It's a new experience and there's many unknown things. It's easy to read about someone doing it, but actually doing it and having a subs well being in your hands is very different. So just talk to someone and work your way in slowly. Don't try to dom someone within the first day of knowing them. Unless you have a amazing connection, that could be way to fast. If she/he says your going to slow then find someone else. Jumping in head first could make you or the sub regret it.

Ok. So first of all any DS relationship is different, and only you, together with your partner, define how it goes. It may be as heavy and as light as you want, it may be limited to bedroom or have a huge impact on your day-to-day life.

That said, being awkward is fine. In every new situation you will feel awkward and out of place. The important thing is to accept the good sides of it and learn from your mistakes. The important thing is to strive for perfection in whatever you do. Messed up the rope play? Watch some videos and practice for the next time. And so on.

One important advice I'll give you is this: A good and healthy DS relationship is all about the sub. A lot of people mistake being dominant for having power over somebody - and that's actually a really bad approach. Yes, you do have power, but you exercise it only inside the limits defined by your submissive. You literally can not and should not force something on the sub that falls outside those limits.

Being dominant is not freedom to do something with your sub. It's in fact quite the opposite - a great responsibility for another person who makes herself vulnerable so that you both can derive pleasure from it. A sub (during the scene) needs double the attention, triple the caution you would spend on a vanilla partner. Especially if she's restrained in any way or form.

Plan your scenes at first. Think of a script in your head. You spank her, then bing her legs, then fuck her with your fingers, then use dildo on her ass etc... A good plan will make for a smooth experience, and you can improvise later.

Before doing something - talk it over. To the last detail. After doing something - talk it over again, what was good or bad, what can be improved.
Interaction is very important for any relationship, but doubly so for BDSM. You need to be honest about your desires and concerns, and you need a partner whom you can trust. To whom you can trust to signal you to stop, of all things.

whew, now for a lighter topics.

Do not feel too weird about dominating someone. Especially if they asked you. You are giving them a treat, and that's good.
Establish a relationship where communication about those things is open, and any of you can talk about any concern and desire and expect a calm and honest discussion.

There will come a time when your desires do not match. There may even come a time when she may ask or say something outrageous - like imagine her suggesting you cross dressing as a girl and going public. She may want that, and that may be pretty upsetting for you, but if you can take any sexual topic with a straight face and calmly explain her why you can't or won't do that - then you are golden as a partner.

I've snipped out the descriptive bits and pieces, to get to the nitty gritty.

theGreatGonzo said:

For a long time I've been drawn to the idea of being dom, but I have conflicting feelings about it, and conflicting desires, and not sure I'd do it properly.

Click to expand...

For a long time I've believed that it's much harder for people to embrace their dominance (especially men), than for submissives to do so. Men are told from a very young age to respect women (which they should) and what respecting women looks like (don't do __, __, __, etc).

Then for whatever reason, they realize they want to do __, __, __ and OMG ___! And not only that, but they discover there are women out there who want those things, too... but respectfully. It can feel like a bit of a clusterfuck.

On the one hand, I am massively turned on by control and objectification.

Click to expand...

Awesome. (Lots of people are, BTW.)

I'm sort of expecting people to tell me that something like that isn't at ALL what being a dom is about, that it's about maintaining control of yourself and the situation rather than that kind of sexual abandon, which if anything, I gather is that the sub goes through.

Click to expand...

TL;DR version of "what being a dom is about"? Decide what's important to you, how you want to accomplish that, find a compatible partner in crime, and enjoy yourself.

For some people, that will mean kick ass kinky fuckery, and never leaves the bedroom. For some people it means formalized, high protocol D/s. For some people the D/s and sex never mix. For some people the D/s just kinda weaves it's way in and out of the relationship, in and out of the bedroom. You get to decide how, when and where you express control, within the parameters you and your play partner and/or submissive agree on.

(Around here, we both get as much "sexual abandon" as we want. lol)

Most of the time I feel pretty awkward about taking control, or acting out a role. I've had partners ask me to be a bit dominant with them, or do things like tie them up or spank them, and I often feel a bit silly, like I'm acting out a part that I don't really believe in or know how to play. I feel like dropping the pretense at any moment, and saying 'hey I feel a bit daft doing this'. Equally, I want to please and satisfy a partner, and I can imagine myself asking a sub to tell me exactly what she wants me to do and the following that like a script, which would probably not really maintain the mood.

Click to expand...

What's wrong with any of that? Serious question. It sounds like you see "dominance" as being XYZ behavior. What would happen if you found out "dominance" [for you] is whatever you decide it is?

My very dominant [owns my ass] lover brings me coffee in bed. He seasons my antique cast iron, and cleans the kitchen so it's easier for me to make us dinner. He values my opinion and input. He also gets a hell of a lot of pleasure from giving me exactly what I need [sexually and otherwise]. We enjoy similar hobbies. We talk politics. I always drive. The cat likes him more than me [because he bribes her].

Does any of that negate his dominance? Or do those things make him a real, living, breathing, complex human being [instead of a 2D definition of the word "dominant"]?

I do get massively turned on by some of the posts people write here about what they've done, or like to do. And I've seen some personal ads that turn me on too, and I've tried replying to a few of them.

For starters though, I'm never sure how to reply. They always post only in character, as it were: they want to be told what to do / punished / humiliated / made to do whatever. I kind of want to answer in kind, and say I'll do this and that to you, but I also want to say things like hey, I'm actually a sane person, I know about safe words, I'm not just some crazy pervert dude on the internet. Then I worry that'll ruin the effect.

Click to expand...

For some people (especially online) it's alllllll one giant RPG. And in that sense, yeah... SSC, RACK, etc don't matter - because words on a screen can't force someone to do XYZ idiotic sexual role playing adventure (that may defy all laws of physics, ethics, and biology) in real life. It's words. On a computer. Everything always results in an orgasm, pain is always the good kind, humiliation never [or rarely] hits a trigger, everything can be [mostly] controlled. Sketch out the basic rules of the game, and game on.

I feel I want to ask 'what do you want me to tell you to do' but then that won't come across as very dom at all, more service top.

Click to expand...

My lover has a saying "Most Service Tops are Dominant, but not all Dominants are Service Tops".

What's wrong with being a Service Top? Say you find out someone wants XYZ from a submissive/bottom perspective. You happen to be really into XYZ from a Top/Dominant perspective. Everybody is getting what they want. Shouldn't that be a good thing?

On the other hand, I want to go with my fantasies, and say something like 'I'd like to make you wear a butt plug' (for example), but then what if that's something the ad poster is totally not into?

Click to expand...

That's why you use your words and ask. Use a kinky checklist, if you want. (Those can be great resources for ideas, soft and hard limits, BTW.) Discussing desires, interests, views of BDSM, etc usually increases the odds of finding a compatible person to explore with.

And if I actually met someone through an ad, do you discuss what you're going to do 'in character', or do you have a sort of plain conversation about the things you're both going to do?

Click to expand...

Some people talk it over (at least casually); some people don't. You get to decide if you want to have a RP conversation "in character" or as a "plain conversation".

For instance, I replied to an ad yesterday by someone wanting humiliation and control, and I had an idea about how I could tell her to piss herself. Not a turn-on for me, but I figured it might be for her. But then I worry about suggesting it in case she's horrified by the idea! And saying 'I could tell you to piss yourself, if you'd like that sort of thing, but if you don't, that's fine' make me sound not very dominant at all, more like Hugh Grant at his most hesitant!

Click to expand...

Or you could email saying like

"Hi, I saw your ad asking for humiliation... I enjoy humiliation as a dominant. I'd love to chat a bit about what kinds of humiliation you're into, so if our interests match we can both enjoy ourselves as much as possible."

Communication is your friend.

So yeah, I'm sort of expecting people to reply to this post saying 'you are in no way a dom or suited to even trying it, stop kidding yourself', or 'you haven't understood how this works at all'... be gentle with me

Click to expand...

I'd say you're you. And you get to decide how to express your dominance in a way that makes your comfortable.

Nezhul said:

Plan your scenes at first. Think of a script in your head. You spank her, then bing her legs, then fuck her with your fingers, then use dildo on her ass etc... A good plan will make for a smooth experience, and you can improvise later.

Before doing something - talk it over. To the last detail. After doing something - talk it over again, what was good or bad, what can be improved.

Click to expand...

I like the idea of planning stuff out together.

I think I'd got the idea that part of being dom is you're deciding what to do, and the women I've been with who've wanted me to be more dominant have reinforced me that impression.

I'm reminded of one partner who in the shower one time said to me 'You can do anything you want, you know' and I still sometimes wonder what she meant! At the time I was a bit thrown and went into overthinking, which kills the mood a bit.

CutieMouse said:

For a long time I've believed that it's much harder for people to embrace their dominance (especially men), than for submissives to do so. Men are told from a very young age to respect women (which they should) and what respecting women looks like (don't do __, __, __, etc).

Then for whatever reason, they realize they want to do __, __, __ and OMG ___! And not only that, but they discover there are women out there who want those things, too... but respectfully. It can feel like a bit of a clusterfuck.

Click to expand...

Hell yes, this. Definitely! Thank you for hitting the nail on the head!

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate the thought that's gone into them.

I think I'd got the idea that part of being dom is you're deciding what to do, and the women I've been with who've wanted me to be more dominant have reinforced me that impression.

Click to expand...

Don't get the wrong idea - it is.
And you should talk over only the new stuff. Later you can decide what to do on your own among the things you know she's OK with.
And it's even better a lot of the times to keep things secret.

It's just that wnenever you have a new idea or want to try something new - talk it through in case she is not OK with it or finds some weak points that you overlooked. The stuff that was OKAY'ed you can just do on a whim.

I suggested to plan your scenes as in plan them yourself, in your head. Don't turn your sessions into a screenplay, and improvise when you feel like it. It's just good to have a plan just in case you find yourself in an awkward pause.

When I have a lover, and we're at the "BTW, you do realize you can do whatever you want, right?" point, I mean pretty much "you can do what you want". For me, personally, that is CNC (Consensual Non-Consent). I've given blanket consent, and don't need to hash it out over-and-over-and-over again.

However -

I don't say "you can do whatever you want" blithely. It usually happens well into a relationship, after we've established (word and deed) that our kinks, interests, life goals/views, etc are well matched. In other words, *I* don't say "you can do whatever you want" unless I *know* whatever you want will either not cause undue harm, or if it accidentally does, he'll help put things back together. We had lots of time, conversation and sex before we got to that point... I wasn't always as careful about that, as I am now.

I should also mention that "you can do whatever you want" doesn't mean he DOES. One of the reasons my lover gets to do "whatever he wants", is because he recognizes that CAN and DOES are two different things.

He could tell me to quit my job, but I know he won't.
He could tell me to hand over my bank account, but I know he won't.
He could order me to get plastic surgery, but I know he won't.

Knowing the man well enough to know we both take responsibility seriously, and trusting him not to abuse that "whatever you want" clause, is what makes "whatever you want" possible.

CutieMouse said:

Knowing the man well enough to know we both take responsibility seriously, and trusting him not to abuse that "whatever you want" clause, is what makes "whatever you want" possible.

Click to expand...

Trust and respect are very precious gifts which are earned.

Cnc

CutieMouse said:

When I have a lover, and we're at the "BTW, you do realize you can do whatever you want, right?" point, I mean pretty much "you can do what you want". For me, personally, that is CNC (Consensual Non-Consent). I've given blanket consent, and don't need to hash it out over-and-over-and-over again.

However -

I don't say "you can do whatever you want" blithely. It usually happens well into a relationship, after we've established (word and deed) that our kinks, interests, life goals/views, etc are well matched. In other words, *I* don't say "you can do whatever you want" unless I *know* whatever you want will either not cause undue harm, or if it accidentally does, he'll help put things back together. We had lots of time, conversation and sex before we got to that point... I wasn't always as careful about that, as I am now.

I should also mention that "you can do whatever you want" doesn't mean he DOES. One of the reasons my lover gets to do "whatever he wants", is because he recognizes that CAN and DOES are two different things.

He could tell me to quit my job, but I know he won't.
He could tell me to hand over my bank account, but I know he won't.
He could order me to get plastic surgery, but I know he won't.

Knowing the man well enough to know we both take responsibility seriously, and trusting him not to abuse that "whatever you want" clause, is what makes "whatever you want" possible.

Click to expand...

Nicely put and expressed. well said cutie. That's what it takes to get there.

Rick_Rude said:

The first thing I do when I get a broad naked is I spit on the pussy...

Click to expand...

^ I would ignore that advice. Even if a 'broad' liked that kind of treatment...if that was the first thing you did when you got her naked, I would say "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Other than that, you've gotten some good advice. I especially like CutieMouse's contribution. Most real women want an equally real, and honest, man. Spouting out robotic orders you 'think' are what a Dom should say is not a turn on. In online roleplay, MAYBE that's what someone wants, but where is the real enjoyment in that? You need a connection...communication and the ability for both parties to express their true desires in order to actually receive any fulfillment from it. Just be yourself, even 'in character'.

Iamsubmissive said:

^ I would ignore that advice. Even if a 'broad' liked that kind of treatment...if that was the first thing you did when you got her naked, I would say "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Click to expand...

Come on, that's awesome advice. It communicates so many things without using a single word, it deserves the literature nobel prize.

Primalex said:

Come on, that's awesome advice. It communicates so many things without using a single word, it deserves the literature nobel prize.

Click to expand...

LOL...sure it does!

(If someone did that to me, I think I might punch him in the face...submissive or not.)

Being dominant may be easy or it may be complicated.

But, regardless, it is far easier than being a Dom.

DeepGreenEyes said:

Being dominant may be easy or it may be complicated.

But, regardless, it is far easier than being a Dom.

Click to expand...

Spoken like a man who has taken the complexities of interacting with, taking care of and considering the needs of his partner seriously.

*5 stars*

cascadiabound said:

Spoken like a man who has taken the complexities of interacting with, taking care of and considering the needs of his partner seriously.

*5 stars*

Click to expand...

Well, thanks. I've also done plenty of Not That, too, but I do less of it.

There is a ton of wisdom in this thread. Easter baskets full of wisdom. In little plastic-egg posts.