How is this scene?

Hello,

I'm new to writing. So far I've written 4 small stories, And started writing part 2 to A Cup of Cream

I need some feedback on the beginning scene and dialogue.

It was the 4th day of her well-deserved vacation and after yesterday's excitement with Asa, Blair was looking forward to today and as her husband William woke up started getting ready for the day she too woke up stirring drowsily on the bed.


“Any, Plans for today dear?”


“Mmmmmmmmm, nothing much...” She replied stretching, throwing off the blankets.


William fresh from the shower sits on the bed next to Blair in her negligee.


“You should go out.”


“Or you can stay in.” Blair her hand running over William’s chest, as the other pulled off his towel.



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I know it's far from perfect, But what are the beginners mistakes I made? How can the dialogue be Improved?

Any and all suggestions are appriciated.

THERE WAS A HARD, cold wind blowing from the Hudson River, with Thirty-fourth Street acting as a corridor. The steelworkers, braced on the open skeleton of the twentieth floor of what would eventually be a forty-two-story condominium, were used to the weather. The tension among them was prompted by the presence of three men in suits, obviously not construction men.

Uhnak, Dorothy (2013-12-31). Codes of Betrayal: A Novel (Kindle Locations 63-65). Open Road Media Mystery & Thriller. Kindle Edition.

Dorothy Uhnak ooened all her books with the best hooks ever. The scene above sets off a bloody feud between the Mafia and New York cops.

Read lotsa good openings to get the hang of writing them.

Expand out numbers. Especially 1-10.

Eg: "Fourth" not 4th.
In many cases unless you're talking about unit divisions "104th Field Battery" or "5th Street" try and spell most out.

A more apt example is:
"She smoothly lowered herself on top of her into a sixty-nine ..."

is better than:

"She smoothly lowered herself on top of her into a 69"

Regular conversation and text messaging allows for the shortcut but story writing is less forgiving.

EmberEveil said:

Blair kissed him “You are love, But for me, just a bit more.” and William slowly increases the speed of his strokes, his cock nestled his is beautiful wife's pussy, her body warm below his, He knows he won't last much longer

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Use the adjective (describing word) before the object. In this case, it should be her warm body below his.

My little contribution. Keep going! Full disclosure; I'm yet to publish my own on here but by day I vet report comments and write corporate correspondence so I've picked up little things along the way.

Honestly its not that great, you are rushing through and not giving enough detail.

Here are some quick notes:

Overall there are some issues with tense, along with some words being capitialzed randomly...also you use Love with capitial letters sometimes, but not others. overall it was fine

It was the 4th day of her well-deserved vacation and after yesterday's excitement with Asa, Blair was looking forward to today and as her husband William woke up started getting ready for the day she too woke up stirring drowsily on the bed.


“Any, Plans for today dear?” who said this? the first line of dialogue should always be explained


“Mmmmmmmmm, nothing much...” She replied stretching, throwing off the blankets.


William fresh from the shower sits sat on the bed next to Blair in her negligee.


“You should go out.”


“Or you can stay in.” Blair her hand missing word running over William’s chest, as the other pulled off his towel.

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I don't want to discourage you from writing on because that is how you will improve, but there are numerous problems. There really are too many to list them all, but here's a few that stood out to me.

You first line is in past tense. Most (but not all) of the rest of the snippet is in present tense. It is possible to switch tenses, but your narrative and dialogue tags should probably all be in one tense.

Present tense is an unusual choice. Stories are commonly written in past tense and some readers will complain. From my point of view, your use of present tense made the tags and descriptions sound like stage directions, not like story telling.

There are numerous problems with punctuation -- especially with the punctuation of quotations. The site sometimes rejects stories for far less serious punctuation problems.

There seem to be some words that have been omitted -- enough to make me ask if you're a native English speaker.

There are multiple problems with capitalization.

As a result of the last three details, there are quite a few sentences that are incomplete, hard to follow, or ambiguous.

You don't need dialogue tags (the "Blair said," etc.) on every quotation, but you certainly need to tag the first quotation so that we know who starts the conversation. There also need to be tags any other place where it is not entirely clear who is speaking. There were several places where I found things unclear.

More generally, the snippet gives me no sense of place and little sense of the relationship between Blair and William. Combine that with the technical problems and I wouldn't read more than a couple lines into the story.

Ty for the pointers.

Capitalization, tense, punctuation and dialogue tags will work on them.
Thank you.

@NotWise @John Blackhawk

As I said this is the beginning of the second chapter of the story, I needed to introduce the husband while showing that they have a caring, loving relation without actually giving anything away. I not planning on using him again until much much later which is when I plan to flesh him out.

@HeyAll

I'm a huge fan of your works and thanks for the detailed edit.

@renrob

Numbers and adjectives. Will work on it.

EmberEveil said:

Hello,

I'm new to writing. So far I've written 4 small stories, And started writing part 2 to A Cup of Cream

I need some feedback on the beginning scene and dialogue.



I know it's far from perfect, But what are the beginners mistakes I made? How can the dialogue be Improved?

Any and all suggestions are appriciated.

Click to expand...

It was the 4th day of her well-deserved vacation and after yesterday's excitement with Asa, Blair was looking forward to today and as her husband William woke up started getting ready for the day she too woke up stirring drowsily on the bed.

Perhaps it's just me, but this first sentence is too complex. There are also some problems with the tense where you blur yesterday's excitement with today's waking up? For my taste it would be better broken up in two or three separate sentences. I'll try to show you what I mean with a short example below;

It was the fourth day of a well deserved vacation, and after yesterday's excitement with Asa, Blair had gone to bed looking forward to tomorrow. Despite his best intentions, the hushed noises her husband made as he prepared for work eased her into the new day. Laying there pretending to sleep as the drowsy morning fog left her, Blair watched her husband wondering how this day would go.

Finally noticing that she was awake, William asked, "Any, plans for today dear?”

Blair took in every feature of the freshly showered man before her then replied in a seductive voice, “Mmmmmmmmm, nothing much...” And to further her plans she stretched, throwing off the blankets that had cocooned her naked body.


As others have said, there are some problems but don't let that stop you from getting better. Hope this was of some help.

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_Lynn_ said:

NOTE: FORUM GUIDELINES


10. Please do not post story submissions to the forums. You may post short snippets (less than 3 paragraphs or so) for discussion, but please post your full stories to the story side.


Please edit posts accordingly.

Click to expand...

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