I would love some feedback/impressions

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-birthday-present-11

First story I've written in about 12 years. I have a lot of time on my hands lately and thought I'd give it another go. I'd love some feedback.

Thanks in advance!
Taegul

Taegul said:

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-birthday-present-11

First story I've written in about 12 years. I have a lot of time on my hands lately and thought I'd give it another go. I'd love some feedback.

Thanks in advance!
Taegul

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I recommend including the story category and length when asking for feedback (Group Sex, 3 pages) - helps would-be readers decide whether this is something they want to look at.

I can't comment much on this one because it isn't my kind of story. That's not a criticism, just personal tastes - this one focuses on the physical details, I like stuff with a bit more emotional complication. There are plenty of readers who do enjoy physically-focused stories and I'd expect this to get a good response from them.

Overall I thought the technical aspects were good, but I did notice a couple of glitches:

Steph was still fully dressed as she stepped behind Nikki. Steph nestled up to her and put her head on Nikki's shoulder so they were both looking at me. Steph rested her hands on Nikki's waist and smiled at me. Nikki turned her head back to Steph and they gently kissed each other lightly at first as if to test the water. Their lips separated and both of them smiled at each other. They both liked the softness of their kiss, the tender caress they felt between them. Steph leaned her head back in, bringing her lips back to Nikki's. Their lips pressed together with just a little more pressure this time.

Steph let her hands glide further around Nikki, across her belly. Their tongues gently explored each other, the tips lightly danced together in their embrace. Steph's hands slid up on to Nikki's breasts. They kissed a bit more as Steph massaged Nikki's breasts and brushed the palm of her hands over the tip of Nikki's nipples. Nikki liked the sensation and her kissing intensified. Steph turned her head back to me, breaking the seal their lips had formed...

Nikki enjoyed the sensation but she clearly wasn't as adapted to teasing as Steph and I were. She was still facing away from the woman that was playing with her. The hands at play on her body felt good but she needed to touch and feel with her own hands too. Nikki spun around in Steph's arms, put both her hands on Steph's cheeks and kissed Steph with a hungry passion. Steph entertained her passionate kiss for a moment before pulling back.

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You're telling this story from a first-person perspective, but here and there you start telling us what Steph and Nikki are thinking. This is jarring for the reader (well, for me, at least). Decide whether you want to write the story from a single viewpoint or from multiple/omniscient viewpoints and then be consistent in that.

Something like "I could see Nikki liked the sensation" is OK, since that puts it back in the first-person perspective, but it might work better just to let Nikki's behaviour convey how she feels.

Nikki's eyes were closed as the moans of pleasure escaped her lips. I love seeing a woman in such sweet ecstasy. Her back archs slightly, then her pelvis pushes lightly up against Steph. I can tell Nikki is very hot right now, her nipples are hard and pointing straight up. She turns her head to me and opens her eyes to see me enjoying the show. She brings a finger to her mouth and starts sucking on it as her moans get louder. Nikki starts to whisper softly to me...

My wrists and ankles are now pushing full force against their bonds. She knows exactly what her dirty whispering is doing to me and my cock is throbbing now, begging for its own release. I couldn't see very well what Steph was doing but evidently she was hitting the right spot on Nikki. Nikki's eyes left mine very suddenly and looked down at Steph.

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This flips from past tense "were closed" to present "her back arches... her pelvis pushes" and then back to past "I couldn't see". There are a few other spots in the story where you drift in and out of present tense.

Shifting tense in the middle of a scene can be useful for creating a specific effect, but here it just looks like an accident. Again, jarring to the reader.

Thank you for taking the time, Bramblethorn, I really do appreciate it.
I used to catch those kinds of mistakes in proofreading...I'm a bit out of practice now I guess.
But, hey, that's why I asked for help, and you gave it.
Thank you.