The Girl I Wasn't--Feedback Wanted

Hi there.

Long time lurker, first time posting in the Poetry Section.

I posted a poem a few days ago and I thought I would transfer the discussion here. I would love to get reactions if anyone cares to.

The Girl I Wasn't

For Karina Vetrano (Murdered 8/2/16 Queens, NY) & Vanessa Marcotte (Murdered 8/7/16 Princeton, MA)

What was it
That split us in two
On the edge of the blade
I fell on one side,
You on the other
I was there, too
With his hands on my throat, squeezing
My vision darkening
My death the prize in his mouth
Who would ever know, what I saw, what I felt?
No one!
My corpse, in a field,
“Raped and strangled?”
No!
I’m telling you,
It was only a question of a millimeter
A fraction of a fraction of a breath
The vise just missed my windpipe
He blinked, maybe he sneezed, at just the wrong moment,
Enough for me to kick him in the nuts
And run
I survived
A woman, cut in two
The other half of me
Is still in the fields
With you


Senna Jawa commented:

A very difficult theme
This is dramatic and extremely depressing.

If an analysis of the poem is needed then the Poetry Feedback and Discussion forum (at Literotica) may be preferable.

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I had a very specific idea in mind when I wrote this. I don't know if it comes across or not.

I watch a lot of crime shows. Specifically I was watching "I Survived", which features people telling how they got out of life-threatening situations. There was one girl, Amy, who really affected me. She was brutally raped and attacked by a coworker, and left for dead in a desolate field. Somehow--miraculously--she managed to live and get away. I couldn't forget her story. It was so harrowing, and she told it with such heart-stopping detail, like you were right there with her.

The poem is written as putting myself in the place of "Amy" seeing a headline in a tabloid (like the ones I referenced, which made a lot of news in NYC where I live two summers ago) and imagining her speaking to these women who went through the same thing she did--only did not live to tell their tale.

I guess it's pretty dark . . . I tend to write poems about things that I pick up on in every day life, on my commute, watching TV, walking around the city, etc.


Anyway that's the story behind that poem. Any comments are welcome!

Perhaps because I worked in the criminal justice system for almost 40 years, I didn’t find the poem so much depressing as dark. I thought the split image very original,

Because you wrote in the first person singular I was a bit confused at the mention of 2 women in your epigraph. Your explanation above clarified that, but I think it would have been better as a memorial at the end of the poem.

I have mixed feelings about “nuts,” only because it connotes something different (for me, at least) than, say, groin. However, it’s a quibble.

I thought the poem was a very effective way of alluding to post traumatic stress syndrome.

Welcome to PF&D.

Hello and welcome. I don't find it overly depressing either , it's original and all poets seek for originality so well done on that. I too found 'kick him on the nuts' jarred (no pun intended!) as if it is too mundane (is that possible in such a piece?) in what was otherwise a very readable story.

Thank you! Very helpful comments.

I find the story here much in line with the novel, The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. A very dark tale about how the ghost of a murdered girl lingers to lead investigators to finding the guilty party and bringing him to justice.

Well done in finding poetry there, albeit very dark poetry

"Kick him in the nuts" is indeed jarring and perhaps involves too much "telling" as far as what the reader is to experience through your words.

The vise just missed my windpipe
He blinked, maybe he sneezed, at just the wrong moment,
Enough for me to kick him in the nuts

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Could you find a more jumbled way of explaining that your arms and legs flailed before a solid kick felt, a thud and grunt heard, as you tasted the air he whooshed into your face when the vise on your neck relaxed? How after squirming free, you ran away...

Of course, your poem and your decision on what to do with it remains with you. Thanks for sharing. I hope this helps the editing process.

Just a thought, if you somehow put that a foot connected I think the reader would know what you mean.