Originally Posted by hadruprider
Well, if you really want it:
* There is a comma missing in the first sentence and a wording error in the third.
* I did not find anything erotic at all in the whole story.
* There is virtually no description of Cherry or what (s)he is wearing.
* The ending seems weak. Why end on her looking at her phone?
Edit - And finally, repeating what many others have said, because it is important, let people know that it is a noncon story, especially if you are pleading for feedback!
Missing comma in the first sentence? I assume you mean practiced/practised in the 3rd paragraph?
Quote from paragraph 3: He looked at her and saw a very attractive lady - about 3” taller than him in her 4” heels - short blonde hair - slim - white tank top - short leather skirt. That doesn’t enable you to see her in your mind? What more do you want? Colour of shoes? Bare legs or nylons? Bust size? Lipstick colour?
As for the ending being weak and why end at her looking at her phone? Read again the 13th paragraph. “Leaving him lying on the bed unable to see or hear she started going through his pockets and wallet. She took her phone and photographed his driving licence - a letter with his full name and address - details of where he worked - an in-case-of-emergency card showing his wife’s name and then replaced everything.” Then move on to the penultimate paragraph and the reference to the video cameras. “She had also on occasion used the tape for blackmail.” Moving on again to the last sentence “she picked up her phone and glanced at the photos.”
Perhaps it was all a little too subtle for you? Collecting all his personal information; the reference to her being a blackmailer; her checking what information she had photographed? How about leaving something to the reader’s imagination?
Was she going to blackmail him and demand money by threatening to tell his wife or employer or work colleagues; or as a lever if he made an allegation of rape; or merely to force him to keep coming back paying for her services? She’s shown that she is a psychopath/sociopath by her indifference to the effect on him of her fucking him. As for eroticism what one person finds sexually stimulating doesn’t necessarily do something for another reader.
I hope that helps you to have a better understanding of the story.