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Open Relationships

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Thefutilityofbeing

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Hello, I am a long time reader (10+ years) of literotica stories but a brand new member of the forum. I have always found sex presented in text format to be more exciting and stimulating than watching porn, it allows your imagination to really soar.

My wife and I are currently at a crossroads and starting to explore a more open relationship. We have dabbled in swinging but aren’t at a point where we want to do it independently of one another. We have, however, decided to explore our sexuality with other people online and I feel that this is the best place to start my search.

I am in my late thirties, 5’10”, dark hair and eyes, average to muscular build, heavily tattooed, and handsome. I am looking for women, attached or not, who would like to chat about life and, if there’s chemistry, I would like those chats to have a heavy leaning towards sex. Age, race, and body type don’t matter to me, the more diverse the better. Growth comes from new experiences, not from habits. I will say that I am particularly into women around their 50’s, and I love curves!

I’m sorry for the long winded and detailed post, but I am excited to start exploring and want to be completely open about what I’m looking for. If you’re interested just message me, I have kik, and can get whatever messaging app works for you.

I would also be interested in hearing about other people’s experiences with open relationships. Pros/cons, mistakes, what works, and what to avoid.


Thank you!
 
Advice? Go slow, and make sure communication between you and your wife stays clear. I'm thinking you're looking more at casual stuff outside your marriage, rather than getting involved with other people? Still, be aware that unexpected uncertainties may come up for one of you when the other meets someone. Set clearly any rules between you - one-time people only? Are FBW okay (and what happens if, despite best intentions, feelings develop)? Agreed rules over protection? etc, etc These are important conversations to have before you meet anyone.

Keep talking, be kind. Good luck!
 
Definitely just casual, purely about sex. It’s honestly more about her exploring with women than it is about me at all, haha. Feelings is my biggest fear. I know that she has the ability to detach herself in that way, but I’m not like that. I’m worried that I will develop feelings for someone else, haha. And obviously we have no control over the people that we see. The ultimate goal is FWB. Neither of us want to be jumping around and seeing random people, it’s about trust, and that needs to extend to extramarital partners.

Are you, or have you been in an open relationship?
 
There are open relationships and OPEN relationships. I personally don’t believe that a spouse wants to hear about or discuss what you’ve been doing with someone else. I don’t think a marriage can be sustained when one person is in an emotional relationship with someone else. Marriage requires you to be be present. You need to have priorities.

That said, I believe ‘coming to an understanding’ is very realistic and to some extent healthy. Emotional needs should be met my your spouse. If they aren’t, and there are no kids involved, why stay married? I do not believe that one person can be sexually fulfilled for the rest of their lives by just one person. Those two are not related. So there is where the understanding lives.

We have an understanding to limit encounters to avoid getting attached to anyone else. We do not discuss details. (I don’t want to know about anyone else with my spouse!). Most importantly is that we come first. If we have plans or something needs to get done, that comes first. Never put an encounter ahead of Family. It’s more like...the encounter of opportunity. We never do anything that will embarrass or put each other’s health in danger. So it’s essentially don’t ask, don’t tell.

I think people assume there won’t be jealousy or territoriality, but THOSE feelings are natural. I think if you don’t feel that way, there’s a deeper issue.

Communicate well. Set expectations and be realistic about what you want. And as soon as you feel jealous, talk about it. Love and lust aren’t the same. If you can decouple them, and still put your Family first, yes it can work. But I know being ‘open’ and being polyamorous are different. If you can’t separate them, it may bite you in the ass.

Good luck.
 
open relationship

AveryElle said:
There are open relationships and OPEN relationships. I personally don’t believe that a spouse wants to hear about or discuss what you’ve been doing with someone else. I don’t think a marriage can be sustained when one person is in an emotional relationship with someone else. Marriage requires you to be be present. You need to have priorities.

That said, I believe ‘coming to an understanding’ is very realistic and to some extent healthy. Emotional needs should be met my your spouse. If they aren’t, and there are no kids involved, why stay married? I do not believe that one person can be sexually fulfilled for the rest of their lives by just one person. Those two are not related. So there is where the understanding lives.

We have an understanding to limit encounters to avoid getting attached to anyone else. We do not discuss details. (I don’t want to know about anyone else with my spouse!). Most importantly is that we come first. If we have plans or something needs to get done, that comes first. Never put an encounter ahead of Family. It’s more like...the encounter of opportunity. We never do anything that will embarrass or put each other’s health in danger. So it’s essentially don’t ask, don’t tell.

I think people assume there won’t be jealousy or territoriality, but THOSE feelings are natural. I think if you don’t feel that way, there’s a deeper issue.

Communicate well. Set expectations and be realistic about what you want. And as soon as you feel jealous, talk about it. Love and lust aren’t the same. If you can decouple them, and still put your Family first, yes it can work. But I know being ‘open’ and being polyamorous are different. If you can’t separate them, it may bite you in the ass.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

I agree with about 98% of what AveryElle has posted. In the late 1970s through the early 1980s, my wife and I explored an open relationship. We found we enjoyed sharing our experiences with each other, it was a turn on for us. We had set boundaries and stayed within them.

Over a few years it just sorta faded out as the "excitement" of being "outside the social norm" was gone and we found we were much happier with one another.

The one thing I can definitely recommend for sure, COMMUNICATE with each other and be HONEST with each other. One of you might be doing it only because the other wants to do it and they might be uncomfortable with it. An open relationship can be fun or might be a mine field. Good luck!
 
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AveryElle said:
There are open relationships and OPEN relationships. I personally don’t believe that a spouse wants to hear about or discuss what you’ve been doing with someone else. I don’t think a marriage can be sustained when one person is in an emotional relationship with someone else. Marriage requires you to be be present. You need to have priorities.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

This is my concern. One of us is emotionally present, the other is not. She seems to think that it’s because she needs more and if she gets it that she’ll somehow become emotionally available. It’s all very confusing to me. I’m good with having different sexual partners, but I feel like we need a stronger emotional bond first. Trust.
 
These types of relationships are not for everyone

First let me echo everyone. Communication is going to be the most important part of this evolution in your marriage.

Ask yourself and your wife this. Do I and can I tell my wife/husband everything. I’m not talking about details of sex with other partners. Can you both communicate what you are feeling? If you can’t do that now an open relationship is not going to change that.

If you and your wife are having problems in your marriage this is a terrible idea. It may create another wedge between you two.

Even the best of relationships can be damaged when they become open. Conversely great relationships can become even better. The key there is that the relationship is already solid.

It’s easy to say it’s just sex and leave it at that. It’s another thing to actually not have feelings. You can help but feel something for the other person, and those feelings are not your fault, it’s part of being human.

Read “The Wild Oats Project” by Robin Rinaldi that’s a cautionary tail for sure.

How are you going to feel the first time your wife comes home from her first overnight date with a lover. When she has his pheromones all over her, and that I just had amazing sex with another man look in her eye? How is it going to make you feel knowing you didn’t cause that in her or cum inside her. Knowing it was another man or woman that she rolled around it bed with all night. She hasent done that with you since you were dating.

At the moment you are thinking how it’s going to feel for you to have some strange, you really need to think how you are going to feel once your wife has another partner. The scary thing is you won’t know until it happens.

There is a lot for you both to talk and think about.
 
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Still killing it!

It’s good to see I can still kill a thread..
 
Just to make sure...

:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
 
Sure I can do that..

happywriteforher007 said:
:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
Click to expand...

I guess I’ll just take my points in order.

1: Communication is going to be the most important part of this evolution in your marriage. this one is true in pretty much all things. Especially true for any type of “open” relationship. If you can’t tell your husband that the dinner he made was not very good, how are you going to him, that the sex last night felt rushed and unsatisfying? Or if you can’t express you thoughts on an open marriage to your wife how are you going to be able to tell him you’re going on a date?

When I started “dating” within my marriage my husband knew it was coming. Our Wife Led Marriage (WLM I hate that term, but I also don’t like FLR but for posts on this thread I’ll use WLM) was moving in that direction. It’s not his fault, it’s also not my fault. My husband is amazing he can do wonderful things with me in bed. However what he can’t do is last more than 4 or 5 minuets during intercoure. Now part of me loves that I excite him that much. On the other hand, the sex had become unsatisfying. He was great with his mouth and we have great toys. Ladies and some men will agree sometimes you just want a long hard session.

I had to be able to communicate that I still wanted intercoure with my husband. I also had to explain because of his premature ejaculations I was not enjoying it as much. Not easy for me to do, or for him to hear. He knew it was true, he admitted it after awhile. (Please do me a favor, don’t ask me we tried to help with his premature ejaculations. The list is long, and I have talked about some of them in the past.

Once he was able to admit there was a problem and understand I was going to find a solution we were able to talk about what I wanted.

I am going to have to do this in pieces.. sorry I do tend to ramble.
 
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happywriteforher007 said:
:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
Click to expand...

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I hope it’s because nobody replies. I hope it’s not because nobody dears to replay.

Easy one.. haha
 
Adding to the whole thing..

happywriteforher007 said:
:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
Click to expand...

If you and your wife are having problems in your marriage this is a terrible idea. It may create another wedge between you two.

How is “dating” someone else going to fix that? It’s not.
 
happywriteforher007 said:
:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
Click to expand...

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?

I am still very much midstream and learning as I go. My husband is still learning about his feelings. He is coming to understand that I am not going to leave him for some dude. We have rules, but the rules evolve and change.

Something I learned pretty quickly was not to hold anything back. When we started I did that and he could tell. He asked me to stop doing it. I was like fine if you want to hear it then I’ll say IT! I was so uncomfortable doing it, but I did it because he pushed me. I felt he pushed too hard and did it in an angry tone. As I was telling him, I could tell he was getting more and more excited.

After we had intercoure, i asked him what turned him on so much. He said something like. When I was in high school and college guys would talk about hookups, and sex. It didn’t do a lot for me but we all did it. Listening to you talk about your “dates” is like listening to hot porn, and knowing the author is your wife. “The whole thing is just very hot.”

Not many guys could admit that, accept it, and then articulate that.
 
70 or even 80% psychological

happywriteforher007 said:
:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
Click to expand...

How are you going to feel the first time your wife comes home from her first overnight date with a lover. When she has his pheromones all over her, and that I just had amazing sex with another man look in her eye? How is it going to make you feel knowing you didn’t cause that in her or cum inside her. Knowing it was another man or woman that she rolled around it bed with all night. She hasent done that with you since you were dating.

All of this can sting, and I guess it can go both ways. I’m not in a totally open relationship. It’s no secret I feel all women are sexually superior to men. We are multi-orgasmic men typically are not. Women are far more capable of satisfying more than on partner. On just in a day but in less than an hour. So like I said an “open relationship” may be a two way street for some. There is no reason for my husband and I to even entertain the thought.

Now you might think my husband is a whimp or a pushover. He is not, it takes real strength to be in this type of relationship. What a lot of people don’t realize. At least in my case is. If my husband said, “that’s enough, I want you to end your other relationships and go back to a traditional marriage.” I would do it, right then and there. It would take some getting used to, but I’m not leaving my husband for some dude. In some cases I am learning to appreciate my husband more. It sounds crazy but it’s true.
 
As real as it gets!

happywriteforher007 said:
:)

Now, do you wonder, like I do, if the lack of replies is because nobody replies, or because nobody dares to reply?

I have never been in the situation you presented, and am not sure how I would react, but you sure bring up some very good points, some I wouldn't have thought off, right off the cuff.

Would you mind to share a personal thought? Or something you realized somewhere mid-stream?
Click to expand...

How are you going to feel the first time your wife comes home from her first overnight date with a lover. When she has his pheromones all over her, and that I just had amazing sex with another man look in her eye? How is it going to make you feel knowing you didn’t cause that in her or cum inside her. Knowing it was another man or woman that she rolled around it bed with all night. She hasent done that with you since you were dating.

This might be the point where it becomes real for both partners.

Coming home to your partner. It’s not easy for either person. Like I said it’s easy to just go and get some strange. Now that it’s over how do you handle it?
 
Scareltt said:
How are you going to feel the first time your wife comes home from her first overnight date with a lover. When she has his pheromones all over her, and that I just had amazing sex with another man look in her eye? How is it going to make you feel knowing you didn’t cause that in her or cum inside her. Knowing it was another man or woman that she rolled around it bed with all night. She hasent done that with you since you were dating.

This might be the point where it becomes real for both partners.

Coming home to your partner. It’s not easy for either person. Like I said it’s easy to just go and get some strange. Now that it’s over how do you handle it?
Click to expand...

Great insights Scarlett
 
Scareltt said:
How are you going to feel the first time your wife comes home from her first overnight date with a lover. When she has his pheromones all over her, and that I just had amazing sex with another man look in her eye? How is it going to make you feel knowing you didn’t cause that in her or cum inside her. Knowing it was another man or woman that she rolled around it bed with all night. She hasent done that with you since you were dating.

This might be the point where it becomes real for both partners.

Coming home to your partner. It’s not easy for either person. Like I said it’s easy to just go and get some strange. Now that it’s over how do you handle it?
Click to expand...


How about the first time she has a date and you don’t? Or even more challenging when your date doesn’t work out and you end up home at 10:00 waiting for her until 2:00 while she is being fucked by some stud?

It has always been the case that there are typically more men than women seeking casual sexual encounters. But layer in the fact that you are married and the ratio becomes even more skewed. Women will be substantially more reticent to have sex with the husband while guys will be lining up for the wife.

Whatever you do make sure your comfort level is not qualified by unrealistic expectations of how things will be. You will not always be her best even if her love stays true - there will be a time when another guy does something you don’t. Metaphorically even if you are fillet mignon some other guy is gonna be some off the hook fried chicken and sometimes that will be what she prefers.

And never assume reciprocity will overcome your jealousy. If you can’t deal with her fucking another guy while you wait at home then having the option to go out on a date of your own will just be a distraction from your feelings - it won’t change that underlying feeling. Plus it is just a matter of time before she has a better date than you or vice versa.

If it becomes a “competition” the woman will win if she wants to 99 times out of 100. That isn’t a reflection of the husband so much as it is the availability of opportunity.

I would advise anyone thinking about this to start from how you would feel if their partner is fucking other people and you are not. That will tell you your true attitude.
 
Those types of relationships are just not easy.

I feel like everyone is starting to understand just how difficult “open” relationships are.

When you think about all of it, there are a lot of pitfalls.
 
Like what most have already said it's not the sex that ruins a relationship, it is the cheating, the lying, and unrealistic or mismanaged expectations. Clearly identify the rules and establish what each of you are comfortable with.
For us communication has always been key and we're upfront about what happens and what we are planning. Our situation helps make our relationship stronger, not a last ditch effort to try and fix something broken. I think that causes a lot of the issues as well. Over the years we've gone through ebbs and flows in regards to extra-marital activities but IMO we are stronger because of our open communication not because our open marriage. She knows she always comes first.
 
navytime09 said:
Like what most have already said it's not the sex that ruins a relationship, it is the cheating, the lying, and unrealistic or mismanaged expectations. Clearly identify the rules and establish what each of you are comfortable with.
For us communication has always been key and we're upfront about what happens and what we are planning. Our situation helps make our relationship stronger, not a last ditch effort to try and fix something broken. I think that causes a lot of the issues as well. Over the years we've gone through ebbs and flows in regards to extra-marital activities but IMO we are stronger because of our open communication not because our open marriage. She knows she always comes first.
Click to expand...

The one qualifier I would suggest is to be careful with the rules. It makes sense to address practical issues but you can’t know how you will feel in the circumstances. So if you put in place rules to try to constrain one another’s feelings when they are with a partner then resentment will ensue. I don’t accept rules that try to limit what I do with my lovers - in general it is incumbent upon me to be safe and prudent and respectful of my husband. I must exercise judgment based upon a clear and honest understanding of my husband’s feelings. But I will not have my sexual interactions defined by a list of do’s and don’ts.
 
I probably shouldn't even venture into this discussion because it's a potential minefield for me, but I'm going to because I've been doing a ton of reading and need to make a point that I"m not seeing being made.

I see a lot of people saying "Make sure you set all the rules with your spouse, make sure that you prioritize your spouse"

If it's super casual maybe it won't matter and in that respect maybe that part is important.

I'm just going to say 2 things and wander out of the thread, but I think they are important things and perspectives that aren't being discussed by anyone else.

1. The person/people you are getting involved with are people with valid feelings and wants and needs of their own. This isn't like buying a sex toy. They get a say.

2. Feelings happen, whether you think they are going to or not, they can happen. How are you going to handle that if one of you catches feelings?
It becomes a whole new thing then.

An article that I thought spoke really well about this if anyone is interested.

https://www.morethantwo.com/coupleprivilege.html
 
Scareltt said:
It’s good to see I can still kill a thread..
Click to expand...

Oh baby...you always were good.

Advice? A third will always be third regardless of what is said in passion. And a third is always less than half.
 
policywank said:
The one qualifier I would suggest is to be careful with the rules. It makes sense to address practical issues but you can’t know how you will feel in the circumstances. So if you put in place rules to try to constrain one another’s feelings when they are with a partner then resentment will ensue. I don’t accept rules that try to limit what I do with my lovers - in general it is incumbent upon me to be safe and prudent and respectful of my husband. I must exercise judgment based upon a clear and honest understanding of my husband’s feelings. But I will not have my sexual interactions defined by a list of do’s and don’ts.
Click to expand...

It’s very true, my husband and I have “rules” I try not to break them. One of them was, no spending the night with a “date” I fell asleep twice at a “friends”. The first time my husband was a touch upset, not that I fell asleep but that he was worried. We changed the “rule” and now it might be annoying for me to call him (yep not text, he wants to hear my voice.) and tell him I am tired and will see him in the morning, I do it.

I do it because he worries, and I want him to be able to sleep. Plus I love him..
 
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