How to date a single mom?

bailadora said:

It's medical fact that there ARE medications that will interfere with birth control, so no, that hardly constitutes a lame ass excuse.

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I know there are medications that interfere with birth control, but does that require an explanation to someone she has just met as to why she has a child? She has a child, and I am sure she loves the child, and that should be explanation enough.

My question, (and concern), is why does she feel it necessary to explain how the child came to be?

Harold_Hill said:

I know there are medications that interfere with birth control, but does that require an explanation to someone she has just met as to why she has a child? She has a child, and I am sure she loves the child, and that should be explanation enough.

My question, (and concern), is why does she feel it necessary to explain how the child came to be?

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Hard to say. Maybe the question was asked. Don't know. As to why she feels the need to explain? The below, which was mentioned in my previous post might be one possible reason:

She could be concerned about being viewed as promiscuous. Lord knows there's still a shit ton of societal negativity regarding women's sexuality and their right to exercise it as they see fit.

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But there might be other equally valid reasons she feels she needs to explain. Given that I haven't been privy to what information has been shared between the pair, I'm not going to judge her, nor jump to conjecture. That's your specialty.

bailadora said:

Hard to say. Maybe the question was asked. Don't know. As to why she feels the need to explain? The below, which was mentioned in my previous post might be one possible reason:

But there might be other equally valid reasons she feels she needs to explain. Given that I haven't been privy to what information has been shared between the pair, I'm not going to judge her, nor jump to conjecture. That's your specialty.

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I am basing my opinion on my own male perspective and life experience. If I were just starting a relationship, (more than just casual dating), I would expect the woman to tell me if she has kids; however, if she starts explaining how she got pregnant, I would wonder why she is telling me this. To me, if the woman I am dating has kids, and she loves her kids, that's explanation enough.

bailadora said:

I'm not going to judge her, nor jump to conjecture. That's your specialty.

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Don't poke the dog too much, it might start growling and snapping again.

She explained to me about how she became a mom because I asked. I wanted to know if the baby was an accident or if she had planned on becoming a mom. She didn't plan on becoming a mom and found out by going to the doctor a month into being pregnant. I felt it was a valid question and I got a valid answer in my book.

I truly feel she is being totally upfront with me, I'm not a single parent and I imagine it's very tough to date while being a single parent. She seemed very sick of guys being pigs, and seemed to be relieved to go on a mini trip with me last weekend and escape the mom role for a couple of days. I don't feel like she is hiding anything and I would feel very confident in believing she has told me must about her life. I don't believe she fits the role of the typical single mom these days. She's a beautiful young woman who is successful, caring, loving, brutally honest, and independent. She actually helped pay for the trip last weekend and after I offered her money to help cover some of her costs, she turned down the money. How many people in the world right now would turn down money offered to them?

My question here was more meant to answer the question on what does it take to date a single mom. When is it acceptable to push and not acceptable to. What should I expect as far as dating her? I fully understand if I start dating her, there's going to be some drama, there's going to be some tough decisions to make and a huge positive role to play with her son, not as the dad but as a positive male role model. My parents are iffy at me dating her, but also very supportive.

Just to throw this out there, I was the fourth guy she has slept with and she was my sixth woman. Neither of us are whores, were just young adults in this big world and I'm just looking for advice and thoughts on the subject. Thanks again for the replies!

Harold_Hill said:

To me, if the woman I am dating has kids, and she loves her kids, that's explanation enough.

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Fair enough. And if you had left it at this, without the judgy context, I wouldn't have said anything. There's insufficient information to suggest she has some hidden agenda, and my whole issue with you is how you have a tendency to make assumptions based on very little data.

Please don't give me the whole spiel about how you are free to offer your opinion, as we've been through this time and time again. Yes, you are free to express your opinion as you see fit. Just as others are equally free to disagree with you, and point out flaws in your logic. Freedom to express one's opinion does not equate freedom from *criticism* of one's opinion.

ETA: And the OP's post above just proves my point. She explained because he asked. Simple as that. No need for judgey context.

OP, I don't know how this will turn out for you, but I do, once again, commend you for having the maturity to look at this from all angles. I wish you the best of luck.

dirtyhat said:

She explained to me about how she became a mom because I asked. I wanted to know if the baby was an accident or if she had planned on becoming a mom.

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Why on God's Green Earth would you ask that? That is a completely inappropriate question to ask a woman you have been dating for such a short time! Whether the child was planned or an accident is really none of your business.

I felt it was and she didn't see any problem with answering. If she felt it was wrong, I would hope she would tell me so and we could move on.

bailadora said:

Fair enough. And if you had left it at this, without the judgy context, I wouldn't have said anything.

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But you love judgy! Why else would you go to so much trouble to write such elegant responses? My sole purpose on earth is to get your heart pumping and your adrenaline flowing.

dirtyhat said:

I felt it was and she didn't see any problem with answering. If she felt it was wrong, I would hope she would tell me so and we could move on.

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MOVE ON? Even asking that question, it's beginning to sound like you have a problem with kids. Whether a child is an accident or planned, it doesn't change who the child is. Whether planned or accident, every child needs to be loved and accepted for who they are, not how the got here. Maybe you should take a step back and think about whether you should even be dating a woman with kids.

If the human race had to depend on planned children, we would have been extinct as a species millions of years ago.

Harold_Hill said:

But you love judgy! Why else would you go to so much trouble to write such elegant responses? My sole purpose on earth is to get your heart pumping and your adrenaline flowing.

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Uh huh. So, basically, you're trolling? Gotcha. Information filed away for future use.

Harold, although I appreciate your answers, please refrain from posting anymore. Thank you

dirtyhat said:

Harold, although I appreciate your answers, please refrain from posting anymore. Thank you

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You may find the "ignore" function useful. If you click on somebody's user name on one of their posts, you should get an option to add them to an ignore list.

dirtyhat said:

So the unimaginable has happened to me, I have fallen in love with a single mom...... After being in the dating game for over a year since my last relationship I have found myself in a situation which I never imagined myself being in, the challenge of dating the elusive milf.....a little about myself, I'm twenty five, college graduate, typical post college guy trying to survive in this crazy world. I never really imagined myself dating a single mom but always kept it open as sometimes they are more mature, looking for a more serious relationship and often have there lives somewhat more together, obvisouly really just comes down to the person though.

So the challenge is this, we live about two hours apart, she is going through a custody battle right now, I'd imagine she will win based on who she has shown me she is so far and who she claims the dad to be, but I only really know her said but have no reason not to believe her. She's really successful in my eyes, good paying job, owns her own house, nice car already paid off, totally the type of girl I would go for or any gut should go for! The problem is she doesn't know when she wants to introduce me to the child, is afraid of what will happen after her ex finds out about her being in a relationship, (she said he beat up a guy she was kind of seeing, and I've never thrown a punch), she is going through a fight in court over custody, and I really have this feeling she doesn't want anybody to know.

Overall a really awesome girl, I just never imagined I'd find myself in love with a single mom even though I kept the chance for it open. Being a guy with no kids and honestly am very much on the fence about having any I've found myself in this situation with really no idea how to handle things. She herself has said she wouldn't date a guy with kids which to Mr is equal to saying she wouldn't date herself.

My questions are what's a respectable amount of time till she should introduce me to her child? How patient should I be? What role is acceptable to play in the child's life? How much should she tell me about what's going on with the custody battle? Is it acceptable that she really doesn't want anybody besides her super close friends to know about us? What's everybody else's experiences with dating a single mom while your childless? Any tips would rock and thank you to everybody very much for ideas and suggestions! Have a great weekend!

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You need to understand that you are not in control of this situation and so you shouldn't try to be. She will likely not introduce you to her child until the custody issue is resolved. You added to that mix, complicates things for her, related to custody. Your role in her child's life will be dictated by what access she chooses to grant you, if and when she does that. As it relates to what she will tell you, depends on how involved with her you are, how much she trusts you, and what she is comfortable in telling you. Her custody battle is dictating everything in her life right now, and you need to understand that. Be as supportive as you can be but remember she is in control and you pushing your agenda will do nothing but drive a wedge between the two of you and she will come to present you for it. Be compassionate and nurturing and give her all the latitude she needs! Understand that anything about you can and will be used against HER, in a court of law, during her custody battle. Does this make sense???? Give her space and be supportive and she will love you even more deeply if she is there already!

This is tough. I will speak from experience for part of your situation.

My step-dad inherited three kids (myself included) at I believe thirty-two years of age, if memory serves. He had never been married nor had kids prior. He and my mom were married within six months of meeting. It didn't take long before we were introduced to him. They are still together, over twenty years later.

That said, you have only been in this woman's life for a month or so. You say that she has been up front but she is still in the tangles of a custody battle. That definitely complicates things. Proceed with caution. You have yourself, her and her kids to take into consideration. Best of luck to you.

I have dated more than my share of single moms. In addition, I raised my daughter on my own from the time she was 3 years old. Here's my advice, which you can take to the heart or totally disregard as you see fit:

What's a respectable amount of time till she should introduce me to her child? How patient should I be?

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Don't be in a hurry to meet her child. You need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the woman with whom you want to spend the rest of your life before you begin making a connection with her child. The kid comes first! That's what I learned from both dating single mothers and being a single dad dating. Your decisions should be based upon the effect on the kid first, then on you and your woman.

What role is acceptable to play in the child's life?

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This is another tough question. Are you just going to be "mommy's friend"? Are you going to spend nights, weekends, most days? Are you going to be a disciplinarian if the kid gets in trouble? These questions must have firm answers.

I'll tell you a little story that destroyed a relationship of mine. My girlfriend -- let's call her Lisa -- asked me to help with disciplining her two unruly children. I sent the girl to her bedroom for "doing wrong", then extended the "sentence" when she came out of her room. When her mother came home, the girl thought my punishment was null and void, so I sent her back with another extension of her time. Lisa decided to veto my punishment of her, and I never took on the role of disciplinarian again. You have to have an agreement on all issues relating to the kid, from whether you will provide discipline to whether you will provide transportation to ... everything.

How much should she tell me about what's going on with the custody battle?

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If you are planning on being a part of this woman's life, you need to know everything that affects you, your relationship, and your future together, including what's happening in court.

Is it acceptable that she really doesn't want anybody besides her super close friends to know about us?

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Until she decides that your presence in her life will not adversely affect her custody fight, yes.

What's everybody else's experiences with dating a single mom while your childless?

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If we are defining "dating" as more just fucking her once or twice with no designs on a future together, I "dated" a half dozen single mothers before I myself became a father. I love kids, so I was always eager to become involved with my lover's children. This becomes a problem -- and if both hard on and unfair to the children -- if you aren't ready to make a long term commitment. If your interest in the woman/man is purely sexual and the first snag in your relationship is going to cause you to hit the road, you should never meet the children at all. It's devastating on the kids to have "mommy's boy friend" simply vanish one day, never to return. It become even harder if there is a good chance that you will see those kids again I the future (such as them being neighbors or school mates of your own children, which doesn't apply to you, of course, but did with me a couple of times).

Thank you very much for the added replies. I'll answer them more tomorrow morning!

So to throw a new twist into this, she had a conference call with her lawyer on Friday but somehow the prosicuiting attorney was also in on it, I know I'm being left out in the dark on some things here as they aren't adding up. But anyways the prosicuiting attorney wants to bring another restraining order against the child's dad. So I asked what's going on and she just says he won't leave her alone. I hadn't really heard any complaints about it since I knew her and she would have to do to trail to testify against him. She doesn't really want to...... To me this is just screaming a money grab from the lawyers but I'm not in the loop so I don't really know.

As far as everything else, I understand I have to back off and I understand the situation I'm getting myself into..... I think, it's all new to me!

Not to sound harsh (been there) but right now you're not much more than one more player in her drama. Taking a giant step back is a wise choice. Don't ask anything. If she wants to tell you, fine; otherwise none of your business. Trust me, you do NOT want to get caught up in any custody issues, or put yourself in any position that might threaten the outcome of her divorce proceedings. Good luck to you.

For the last time, she was not married............. She's twenty five not 68 or 43 or 39 or 57.

dirtyhat said:

So to throw a new twist into this, she had a conference call with her lawyer on Friday but somehow the prosicuiting attorney was also in on it, I know I'm being left out in the dark on some things here as they aren't adding up. But anyways the prosicuiting attorney wants to bring another restraining order against the child's dad. So I asked what's going on and she just says he won't leave her alone. I hadn't really heard any complaints about it since I knew her and she would have to do to trail to testify against him. She doesn't really want to...... To me this is just screaming a money grab from the lawyers but I'm not in the loop so I don't really know.

As far as everything else, I understand I have to back off and I understand the situation I'm getting myself into..... I think, it's all new to me!

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To my knowledge, there are no prosecuting attorneys in civil cases, and custody suits are civil cases. There are only plaintiff and Defendant attorneys. If this has turned into a criminal case, criminal courts don't issue restraining orders, they have people locked up. Very different legal processes. You need to find out which one this is.

bailadora said:

Uh huh. So, basically, you're trolling? Gotcha. Information filed away for future use.

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Dear Bailadora my sweet, I troll only for you. I live only for the day I can prove myself worthy of your praise; though until that wonderous day, I will be content to bathe myself in your contempt.

dirtyhat said:

So to throw a new twist into this, she had a conference call with her lawyer on Friday but somehow the prosicuiting attorney was also in on it, I know I'm being left out in the dark on some things here as they aren't adding up. But anyways the prosicuiting attorney wants to bring another restraining order against the child's dad. So I asked what's going on and she just says he won't leave her alone. I hadn't really heard any complaints about it since I knew her and she would have to do to trail to testify against him. She doesn't really want to...... To me this is just screaming a money grab from the lawyers but I'm not in the loop so I don't really know.

As far as everything else, I understand I have to back off and I understand the situation I'm getting myself into..... I think, it's all new to me!

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You seem to be confused, in a child custody law suit there are only two attorneys. One representing the plaintiff, plaintiff's attorney(your friends ex boyfriend in this case) and one who represents the defendant(person being sued, your friend), the defense attorney. In some cases the presiding judge may appoint a child advocate who may or may not be an attorney.

The term prosecuting attorney refers to an attorney representing a governmental body in regards to criminal law. If she/he was involved in this call it has nothing to do with your friend's ex's child custody suit but very much to do with her safety. By the way the attorney representing the governmental body is not paid by your friend and thank god she has a money grubbing attorney concerned about her safety.

Of course your stereotypical money grubbing belief about those of us who are attorneys is no better than you stereotypical belief about most single mothers.

To clear about how I found out about the new restraining order with the prosicuiting attorney, I'll first start by saying I know how court works, not completely oblivious to it. What made me confused was when she brought up the new restraining order and I asked her who suggested it. I asked if she suggested it, she answered no, I asked if her attorney brought it up, she said no. I asked who brought it up then and she said the prosicuiting attorney. I then said if she bright it up, then it most likely has already been decided she would get a restraining order and she then said she would have to go to trail and testify against her child's father. I asked if she really wanted to and she said not really which to me means it really isn't that serious or she is super scared of him which may very well be the case but I haven't seen it or have the gut feeling it is, which is why I brought up the money grabbing attorneys. Two attorneys, same small town, most likely both know each other and know the prosicuiting attorneys and judges fairly well, and let's face it, lawyers make allot of money and I, myself, have not meet very many ethical lawyers. Not saying this is 100% the case, but what I seem to know and feel isn't she's afraid of him, it's two people made at each other and two lawyers in a small town taking advantage of money aided by the court. Heaven forbid me from imagining such a thing as lawyers or a court dragging out a child custody case, I know that's never ever happened in the world......... For the life of me, I have no idea why the prosicuiting attorney was brought into a conference call between a client and her lawyer..... I just feel like she is getting bullied by a lawyer and her child's father is loving it because who doesn't like to see the person who broke up with you have a little pain as well. . .....

dirtyhat said:

To clear about how I found out about the new restraining order with the prosicuiting attorney, I'll first start by saying I know how court works, not completely oblivious to it. What made me confused was when she brought up the new restraining order and I asked her who suggested it. I asked if she suggested it, she answered no, I asked if her attorney brought it up, she said no. I asked who brought it up then and she said the prosicuiting attorney. I then said if she bright it up, then it most likely has already been decided she would get a restraining order and she then said she would have to go to trail and testify against her child's father. I asked if she really wanted to and she said not really which to me means it really isn't that serious or she is super scared of him which may very well be the case but I haven't seen it or have the gut feeling it is, which is why I brought up the money grabbing attorneys. Two attorneys, same small town, most likely both know each other and know the prosicuiting attorneys and judges fairly well, and let's face it, lawyers make allot of money and I, myself, have not meet very many ethical lawyers. Not saying this is 100% the case, but what I seem to know and feel isn't she's afraid of him, it's two people made at each other and two lawyers in a small town taking advantage of money aided by the court. Heaven forbid me from imagining such a thing as lawyers or a court dragging out a child custody case, I know that's never ever happened in the world......... For the life of me, I have no idea why the prosicuiting attorney was brought into a conference call between a client and her lawyer..... I just feel like she is getting bullied by a lawyer and her child's father is loving it because who doesn't like to see the person who broke up with you have a little pain as well. . .....

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Do you think the word "naive" might fit here? When I read Dirtyhat's comments, I have this vision of a puppet on a string in my mind.