The Men Who's Wives Have No Sex Drive Support Club

I completely agree with this statement. Desire is a basic feeling. What we desire can't me dictated by religion...how that desire manifests itself can be though.

I've been following this thread, not commenting because, really most people know my story here...but I'll tell it again for those who haven't seem me around (I usually hang out in the playground).

I've been married for almost 27 years. The last 8 or so I've been unfulfilled sexually and the last (almost) year has been completely sexless.

We never had spectacular sex, I'll be honest. Husband was the first guy to care if I had an orgasm and to me, that was good sex. I got married young (21) and didn't know any different. We had sex regularly for several years, then went through infertility issues that made sex less desirable and more of a chore. I think that was the beginning of the end for us (and that was over 15 years ago...)

Flash forward to about 8 years ago after 2 kids and I find my sexuality..find what I want and how I want it. Try to introduce new things into the bedroom - nothing crazy! Just some toys, maybe a little light bondage, dirty talk... NOPE. All of that is a no go in my house.

I have a theory about this, but it has nothing to do with religion, but more with his past and the women he'd dealt with. Suffice it to say that the mother of his children shouldn't want to be treated the way that I want to be (his thoughts). So I spent a few years trying to figure out what to do...and then I found Lit.

And while our sex was several weeks in between, and the same thing over and over again, at least there was sex. Over the past three years or so that has even diminished. For our 25th anniversary we were on a tropical island with no kids and we had sex ONCE! (It was also my birthday and still no sex).

As of right now...I'm looking at 8 months. Not even the hint of it on Valentine's Day...

So that's my story. Can I be in the club?

Yes.

Fascinating story.

Reminds me of a quote from some classic, I don't know which, and am not sure I even have it right.

"It's the mistress in your lap horseback that will fuck, never the wife." (obviously from a male author)

I don't agree that the wife should be "proper."
 
Omg you've opened Pandora's box here. My wife is sexy as hell when she wants to be. But her work is incredibly stressful. I am 100% supportive of her but I need a little bit of her once in a while too. About 10-12 years ago, when I would crawl in bed and she was already sleeping, i would just snuggle up to her. Not for sex, although I wouldn't have turned it down. Mostly i just need to feel her skin next to mind... even just holding hands or caressing her shoulder. But I'd crawl into bed, snuggle up and in her sleep she would push me away... almost every time. So, I admit, at that point I kinda gave up. Conscious or subconcious, she didn't want my affection. So we rarely kiss, we rarely hold each other... and when we do it's nearly always me who initiates it. About once every 6-8 weeks, I guess she feels the need. Then we have fabulous but predictable sex.
Our relationship has become more of a business relationship. She needs a spouse to fulfill some of her job expectations, so I'm there appropriately supportive but at home, we might as well be roommates. I'm grateful for the ladies (and men) here at Lit who have helped me feel like a desireable man again and who have at times helped me escape to land of lust and pleasure.
How do the rest of you cope? Am I alone in all this? She and I have talked. She usually feels guilty when we talk but frankly I don't want an sympathetic handjob. I want to feel that lust and passion every day whether it results in sex or a kiss or just holding hands. Help?

This is all so familiar. My ex-wife is the woman who just exhumes sexuality. She could be wearing a baggy, paint stained sweat suit and a ball cap hiding her mess up hair and men approach her, even with me standing near by. Our sexual relationship was a primary part of our marriage. We often joked as to which one of us was more addicted to sex or the biggest pervert. Being in our late forties when meeting we were already sexually secure with ourselves and established as to our desires and attitudes. Sex was often and varied.
The we hit a brick wall. She experienced menopause and lost all interest in any type of affection. I wasn't even allowed to hold her hand. I must admit that she was exceptionally understanding as to my situation and told me she knew a couple coworkers who were interested in having sex with me. She offered to introduce us and her only request was that she didn't want to know about when, where or any specifics.
For a variety of reasons I never pursued this arrangement and my wife and I divorced.
The lack of sex is something I could have coped with but to have to live as if we both were robots was too much for me to accept.
 
I'm in the same boat...

Sex was great while dating, not bad while we were trying to have kids, but after the third....kiss it goodbye. She lays there asking me when I'm going to be done and only really goes for a quickie if anything. She said she has no desire for intimacy and sex and has really never had a desire, she just did it because that's what guys want.
 
Sex was great before marriage, after it was ok... after the baby, it went down fast. Then it was only once and awhile. But as of 2010, there has been no sex. Nothing. So 7 years of no sex in the marriage. So I guess I am apart of this club.
 
Sex was great before marriage, after it was ok... after the baby, it went down fast. Then it was only once and awhile. But as of 2010, there has been no sex. Nothing. So 7 years of no sex in the marriage. So I guess I am apart of this club.

7 years????

Wow man. You deserve to look around . . .
 
The no sex thing is pretty bad for sure. But if you have a oversexed wife. It can be just as bad and maybe worse. If she has no desire for sex and isn't giving you any. Then at least you know she's faithful to you. But with a oversexed wife your always wondering if she's cheating. Even if you are having sex with her multiple times a day every day. So it's bad if she's to far one way or to far the other way. It's a double edged sword. You gotta just hope for a mate in the middle. But I really wish all you guys in this situation the best of luck.
 
are you sure

Sex was great while dating, not bad while we were trying to have kids, but after the third....kiss it goodbye. She lays there asking me when I'm going to be done and only really goes for a quickie if anything. She said she has no desire for intimacy and sex and has really never had a desire, she just did it because that's what guys want.



we are not married to the same woman :)
 
Some of the stories on here sound very familiar. I have been married just over 20 years and we were together for four years before that. That four years were great, she had not been sexual active much before we met. We would go on holiday and have sex everyday. When we were married it was still great a little less often but we were both shift workers so sometime tired.

After our first child she was less interested but I could kind of understand it. However we did find times for sex. After the second child was when it started going downhill and became less frequent. We went on holiday about a year after our second child was born, it was a family holiday and her sister was in the other bedroom in our apartment. I knew that there was no chance of sex with her sister next door.

I couldn't of been more wrong though, the second night we were there we got into bed and was all over me. She was even giving me oral (which wasn't her favourite). We had passionate sex that night something we hadn't done for a long time. Most nights she would repeat this.

When we got back though she reverted to not being bothered. Even when we did, she tell me not to take too long. Since then we have drifted and we have not had sex for about 3 years. Occasionally on holiday we will have a kiss and cuddle and a fumble but that's about it.
 
The no sex thing is pretty bad for sure. But if you have a oversexed wife. It can be just as bad and maybe worse. If she has no desire for sex and isn't giving you any. Then at least you know she's faithful to you. But with a oversexed wife your always wondering if she's cheating. Even if you are having sex with her multiple times a day every day. So it's bad if she's to far one way or to far the other way. It's a double edged sword. You gotta just hope for a mate in the middle. But I really wish all you guys in this situation the best of luck.

I have to say this does not follow. Not at all. A person, woman or man, can live with sexual desire in overdrive and be totally faithful in marriage, and likewise a person, man or woman, can appear to have lost interest within a marriage and end up cheating. The way appetite and faithfulness relate to each other has a thousand variables, and suggesting the two somehow operate in binary is no help to anyone least of all the members of this club.
 
Reading all the posts has me reflecting on how we can best have conversation about lack of sex. I'm looking back at our own experience, some good and some very poor, of attempting to talk about this during the two periods in our marriage when it was an issue.

Looking way back to when we were parents of little children and I frankly struggled with keeping an appropriate work-life balance and ended up doing less than my share at home and with quality parenting, I seemed to choose the times when I was up tight about lack of sex, to talk about sex with her. So she got defensive. Likewise, looking back, I was a poor listener to her when she talked about all the pressures on her of running a home alongside keeping up with her own job. Looking back, I got more sex than I deserved through those years probably. No way am I suggesting that these are the background reasons for guys in this club; but something like them just might be for some of them and that's why I'm putting myself to shame here.

Our dry spell of more recent years was a totally different story when it comes to talking about it. We both knew we had a serious issue to address: my need for intimacy and sexual satisfaction and her 'lock-in' to a solo world of depression in which affection was threatening. Two mature individuals, both with a good track record by this time of listening skills, being the calming influence in fraught situations, reconcilers. Could we find a way to talk about our situation? Could we hell as like. For months we just didn't. We both knew we needed to and wanted to and we just couldn't. Isn't that a crazy thing: in love, loving, faithful, and absence of sex for more than a year was the elephant in the room.

She was still not well when I began to talk. I couched it with it being a time when I'd had opportunity to show her affection and practical support. And when she would be really clear that I was not pushing for some intimacy 'like, now'. And I talked about me, not her. I told her I needed to share with her where I was at with being married and having no intercourse. I let myself get upset and I showed some of my anger about the situation I was in and what it was doing to my focus and my capacity to be loving and my sleep patterns and all that stuff. It was in a sense an agony of a conversation but we were both glad we were having it in place of the absence of talk about it.

I remember it was a few days later when we talked some more, this time at her initiation, that I told her about Literotica and the solace I was finding here.

Somehow, after a while, those conversations opened the way for a step by step journey back towards sexual intercourse. I remember I suggested we always cuddle before sleep - a real slow significant cuddle and caress time - and that I promised not to 'read' that as an open door for more. Not until such time as she signalled to me that more might be a possibility. Then we brought making out [as a Brit I mean 'snogging'] into it too, with the same promise of not pressing for more until such time as she signalled to me.

Then one night she was differently aroused, and she needed cock in her. It had been 18 months. And this at first tentative recovery of sexual desire, and it's fulfilment by me, actually became a tool for her in her recovery from depression.

Since that tough time, we would both say that the sex we have now is a bigger deal for both of us than it has ever been.

Well, there are my musings folks, for what it's worth.
 
Reading all the posts has me reflecting on how we can best have conversation about lack of sex. I'm looking back at our own experience, some good and some very poor, of attempting to talk about this during the two periods in our marriage when it was an issue.

Looking way back to when we were parents of little children and I frankly struggled with keeping an appropriate work-life balance and ended up doing less than my share at home and with quality parenting, I seemed to choose the times when I was up tight about lack of sex, to talk about sex with her. So she got defensive. Likewise, looking back, I was a poor listener to her when she talked about all the pressures on her of running a home alongside keeping up with her own job. Looking back, I got more sex than I deserved through those years probably. No way am I suggesting that these are the background reasons for guys in this club; but something like them just might be for some of them and that's why I'm putting myself to shame here.

Our dry spell of more recent years was a totally different story when it comes to talking about it. We both knew we had a serious issue to address: my need for intimacy and sexual satisfaction and her 'lock-in' to a solo world of depression in which affection was threatening. Two mature individuals, both with a good track record by this time of listening skills, being the calming influence in fraught situations, reconcilers. Could we find a way to talk about our situation? Could we hell as like. For months we just didn't. We both knew we needed to and wanted to and we just couldn't. Isn't that a crazy thing: in love, loving, faithful, and absence of sex for more than a year was the elephant in the room.

She was still not well when I began to talk. I couched it with it being a time when I'd had opportunity to show her affection and practical support. And when she would be really clear that I was not pushing for some intimacy 'like, now'. And I talked about me, not her. I told her I needed to share with her where I was at with being married and having no intercourse. I let myself get upset and I showed some of my anger about the situation I was in and what it was doing to my focus and my capacity to be loving and my sleep patterns and all that stuff. It was in a sense an agony of a conversation but we were both glad we were having it in place of the absence of talk about it.

I remember it was a few days later when we talked some more, this time at her initiation, that I told her about Literotica and the solace I was finding here.

Somehow, after a while, those conversations opened the way for a step by step journey back towards sexual intercourse. I remember I suggested we always cuddle before sleep - a real slow significant cuddle and caress time - and that I promised not to 'read' that as an open door for more. Not until such time as she signalled to me that more might be a possibility. Then we brought making out [as a Brit I mean 'snogging'] into it too, with the same promise of not pressing for more until such time as she signalled to me.

Then one night she was differently aroused, and she needed cock in her. It had been 18 months. And this at first tentative recovery of sexual desire, and it's fulfilment by me, actually became a tool for her in her recovery from depression.

Since that tough time, we would both say that the sex we have now is a bigger deal for both of us than it has ever been.

Well, there are my musings folks, for what it's worth.

nicely written piece and with feeling, my issues are not as serious as sex is still there but lack of for different reasons, but similar.
thanks
 
I fear that addressing my wife's low sex drive would be a very dangerous thing to do. I had a friend (who is a male psychiatrist) tell me that I had to take my wife to a counsellor and address the issue. I think it would be so hurtful to her that she would want to leave me. I love her, even if it means I have to take care of my own sexual needs through masturbation.
 
These are such honest and poignant postings -- I was touched by all of them. There seem to be a lot of complications of modern life here -- stressful jobs, busy with kids, lack of time, sapped energy. It really gave me pause to try to imagine how we can do better for ourselves as women. I have not (yet) had any of these issues, but it is something I would want to pay very close attention to as it often appears just silent and insidious.

Thank you all for sharing and particularly to SexyBlonde2015 for very thorough and practical advice. And there were ultimately happy endings for several people. :)
 
Looking at your photo on here,

how in God's name could anyone resist those beautiful breasts?














These are such honest and poignant postings -- I was touched by all of them. There seem to be a lot of complications of modern life here -- stressful jobs, busy with kids, lack of time, sapped energy. It really gave me pause to try to imagine how we can do better for ourselves as women. I have not (yet) had any of these issues, but it is something I would want to pay very close attention to as it often appears just silent and insidious.

Thank you all for sharing and particularly to SexyBlonde2015 for very thorough and practical advice. And there were ultimately happy endings for several people. :)
 
Yeah, me too.

I'm probably older than most of you guys and I've been with my wife for 43 years.

At 20 she was not very responsive to sex and it wasn' t until she was into her mid to late 30s that she became moderately interested and after menopause disinterested again.

She'll blow me once a week and consent to sex about once a month but no matter how much tenderness, kissing, gentle petting or attempts to stimulate her, she just does not get aroused.

"It's the hormones," she says. "I'm just not interested. I was never very orgasmic anyway."

At 63 I'm still horny, wake up with hard ons and jerk off about three times a week.
 
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Wow ... so much going on in here.

OK, so as 'the wife' in this scenario for a few years, I'm not sure that I can necessarily offer any advice, but I can talk about how things changed for me.

We were pretty much sexless for quite a few years - maybe five? Not totally - I managed to get it together a few times a year, but 'a few' = 3 or 4. I've always been extremely into sex, so it was an odd state for me to be in. However, this was also by far the longest time I'd spent with one person. I was ... well, let's say 'very friendly' when I was young, and until I met my husband, the longest monogamous relationship I had was three years. So the drop in the sex drive happened after something like 8 years of monogamy.

What changed? I started fooling around online. There's a number of reasons this could have made a difference:
  • I don't think I'm a monogamous person. Possibly moving into some form of non-monogamy kicked my sex drive back into gear again.
  • I was getting older, and I've never loved my body a lot. (I'm not 'fat', but I'm not a small girl, and I had ridiculous breasts that I loathed.) Possibly having someone else think of me as attractive made me feel better about myself.
  • I was just getting horny chatting with this guy and the best means of dealing with that was sex with my husband.
BUT the sex I started having again was very much with my husband - I loved having sex with HIM again, and we came up with a few new things.

Obviously the non-monogamous thing is probably not generalisable (maybe?), but the not feeling attractive thing - definitely. We're all getting older in society that mythologises hot young women. Even the 'older' women who are celebrated are Angelina Jolie and Courtney Cox ... because yeah, that's totally what I look like in MY 40s. :rolleyes: No matter how much we say we don't pay attention to the media, no matter how much you tell us we're beautiful, we're combatting that every day. If you're already feeling a bit 'meh' about sex because of hormonal shifts, that really adds to the cocktail.

Two other tangential points.
During that virtually sexless time, I told my husband a few times (a) we could have sex without me being particularly into it, because I knew that was only fair - he hadn't signed up for the total lack of sex, and he didn't deserve it. I can't remember if that happened or not (this is a while back now), but if you're wanting sex and you want it from your wife, you might need to compromise a bit on her also manifesting the porn star enthusiasm, or even any enthusiasm; and (b) he should look elsewhere. That's a risky move, but maybe it's worth saying to your wife that if she doesn't want sex, but neither of you want the marriage to finish, you might want to look elsewhere. I'd recommend a good escort or similar - that way you're not in danger of ending up in a relationship with another person (if that's not what you want). That's probably going to be difficult for your wife to get her head around ... but she didn't really enter the marriage saying 'sex for 10 years and then I'm turning the tap off'.
I'm really bemused by how many guys in here are saying 'after the hysterectomy'. I'm not from the US, but is it really that common there for women to get hysterectomies, and if so, why? I don't know ANYONE my age whose had one, and I'm turning 50 next week.


Good for you. Not sure I know many women or any men with such a rounded view to their partner's sexual needs. Sometimes it feels like most people view their own level of desire as inherently "right". Whether our partner wants more or less sex, they are the problem. Not true of course but that's the way it feels from some of these comments.
 
These are such honest and poignant postings -- I was touched by all of them. There seem to be a lot of complications of modern life here -- stressful jobs, busy with kids, lack of time, sapped energy. It really gave me pause to try to imagine how we can do better for ourselves as women. I have not (yet) had any of these issues, but it is something I would want to pay very close attention to as it often appears just silent and insidious.

Thank you all for sharing and particularly to SexyBlonde2015 for very thorough and practical advice. And there were ultimately happy endings for several people. :)

Agreed! So true and so great to read
 
I fear that addressing my wife's low sex drive would be a very dangerous thing to do. I had a friend (who is a male psychiatrist) tell me that I had to take my wife to a counsellor and address the issue. I think it would be so hurtful to her that she would want to leave me. I love her, even if it means I have to take care of my own sexual needs through masturbation.

My wife and I recently went to a marriage counselor and sex, or lack thereof, was discussed in depth. We both talked about our feelings towards each other, which was a bit odd as I've never been to a counselor before. Later that day we were both happy and proud of each other for going through with counseling. We had unbelievable sex that night which was a surprise to me. Granted we haven't had sex since then and I've been rejected a few times, but at least it's a start. Baby steps, right?
 
I fear that addressing my wife's low sex drive would be a very dangerous thing to do. I had a friend (who is a male psychiatrist) tell me that I had to take my wife to a counsellor and address the issue. I think it would be so hurtful to her that she would want to leave me. I love her, even if it means I have to take care of my own sexual needs through masturbation.

My wife and I recently went to a marriage counselor and sex, or lack thereof, was discussed in depth. We both talked about our feelings towards each other, which was a bit odd as I've never been to a counselor before. Later that day we were both happy and proud of each other for going through with counseling. We had unbelievable sex that night which was a surprise to me. Granted we haven't had sex since then and I've been rejected a few times, but at least it's a start. Baby steps, right?
These two posts have set away some thinking for me:

We men keep things simple, right? and so we readily put the label 'low sex drive', or as in the thread title 'No Sex Drive' onto the woman with whom we are not getting enough nooky. But we know it's much more complicated than that. We know that somewhere deep in this woman is a sex drive which, when fired up, takes her insatiably into joys of orgasmic bliss which we fellas know nothing about.

So we need a language about this situation which is more subtle than 'low' and 'high'. And if we find the right terms, they won't be hurtful to our women; they'll be fair and respectful. I'll have a go, using Classyaf's post if I may, mate:

"Tell me, gorgeous, that night after we'd been to the counsellor: unbelievable wasn't it? You were hot, babe! - tell me, is there something that keeps you from wanting that more often than we do?"
 
Such a tough subject. I love my wife with all my heart. and knew there was emotional/psychological baggage, but out marriage has been two steps forward, one step backward. She is now taking anti-anxiety meds., they make a difference, but is still resistant to a counceler. Our sex life does not exist. While I won't cheat, my solo exploits have reached new highs not seen since I first hit puberty.

I have recently channeled my..energy into erotic writing and a looking to post my first story within the month.

We can love somebody with all of our heart and now be physically satisfied. It is a messy, complex thing.
 
Your stories are so honest and a little heartbreaking. Sex does not equal love but it Damn sure makes most people feel happy.

For the women with medical problems I have to assume that they need to seek professional help.

I hope I never have the same problems that your wives have. Forgive me but I'm happy with my over the top sex drive.

As one person pointed out, make sure you're affectionate at times when your not just trying to put your Dick in something. Compliment your wife. Do one chore just so she won't have to do it. Just try to be nice even though I know some of you have got to be horribly frustrated.

This is all just my opinion. Good luck!
 
... Forgive me but I'm happy with my over the top sex drive. ... Good luck!

A lady never, ever needs to ask men to forgive her for that. We all love it and want you to have a man who can meet those desires for you, any time every time! :rose::rose:
 
She said she has no desire for intimacy and sex and has really never had a desire, she just did it because that's what guys want.

I've heard this more than once when I was single and dating.
Why can't a woman be honest and tell a guy about her lack of interest, in sex.
 
I've heard this more than once when I was single and dating.
Why can't a woman be honest and tell a guy about her lack of interest, in sex.

That's how I feel. If he would have told me day1 his sex drive was low, I would have known then we were incompatible. Sex is VERY important to me. The rejection hurts worst then the lack of intimacy. The lack of attention doesn't sit well with me. Maybe I am the selfish lover in this scenario...
 
That's how I feel. If he would have told me day1 his sex drive was low, I would have known then we were incompatible. Sex is VERY important to me. The rejection hurts worst then the lack of intimacy. The lack of attention doesn't sit well with me. Maybe I am the selfish lover in this scenario...
I couldn't agree more. I feel so incompatible lately with the person I sleep next to and it drives me crazy. sex is part of who I am and any time I suggest it you would swear the world was coming to an end. Going from 4-5 times a week before we were married to 1-2 a month at best is not my idea of having fun ... all within a few years.
 
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