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Sir/Master/Daddy...titles to be used sparingly?

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LouLouStBijou

Virgin
Joined
Jul 7, 2016
Posts
9
So, since I started posting here I have had some responses from men who (after only one or two exchanges ) indictated that they wished to be called by one of the tiles above. My understanding of the use of an honorarium like that was that, generally speaking , there was history and a connection and a relationship built before that point. Am I wrong? Is the relationship between a D and s not a little more than slapping the title Sir on some random almost stranger? Doesn't that seem like putting the cart before the horse?
 
LouLouStBijou said:
So, since I started posting here I have had some responses from men who (after only one or two exchanges ) indictated that they wished to be called by one of the tiles above. My understanding of the use of an honorarium like that was that, generally speaking , there was history and a connection and a relationship built before that point. Am I wrong? Is the relationship between a D and s not a little more than slapping the title Sir on some random almost stranger? Doesn't that seem like putting the cart before the horse?
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You're absolutely right. Run far away from the dom who insists a( on his domliness and b( demands to be called anything. Huge red flags.

A title comes with understanding one another, with trust, time, patience, won respect, and so many other things. Most of all? It comes from within you. YOU. Not him. A leader will take and cherish what you offer of your own accord, because he inspires it in you. And he'll work tirelessly for the privilege.
 
Feel free to tell those dudes to fuck right off. :rolleyes:

If you decide you want to call someone by one of those titles and they are also ok with that, do so. Or don't. If you need history and an established relationship in order to use those titles, then don't use the titles until you have that. Some people don't really care and will call anyone sir or whatever. :shrugs: Decide what you're ok with.

Personally, I'd laugh at them. I don't do titles for strangers. They aren't my SO and I owe them nothing.
 
I have run into the same issue loulou. I was starting to think it was just me. I just thought I didn't know how these things were "supposed" to work. Thankfully there are some very lovely supportive, knowledgeable and helpful ladies of Lit! My eyes have been opened to new ways of thinking, many a time, because of these members. Stay safe and have fun :)
 
They are welcome to want titles used, just as you are welcome to not feel inclined to use a title. No right, no wrong; just a difference of opinion.

On the flip side, I have never used an honorific or title with a lover. Endearments? Yes. Title? No. To me, we both know who we are [in the relationship], so calling a lover "sir" or "master" or "king god, prince of kink" instead of "darling" or "sweetheart" doesn't change anything.
 
LouLouStBijou said:
My understanding of the use of an honorarium like that was that, generally speaking , there was history and a connection and a relationship built before that point.
Click to expand...
I agree with you wholeheartedly! Whilst there are no "rights" or "wrongs" in many aspects of BDSM, it seems to me that the use of these titles ought to be an indicator of earned respect. Without that foundation, I don't see any value to them, except as an ego trip for the recipient.

Conversely, it's a lovely feeling when someone whom one has known for a some time on a "level" basis suddenly pulls out the "S" work (Sir!) and one feels that it has been well earned. :)

If someone insists on the use of titles before the relationship has been built up to that point, then I'd suggest that their apparent lack of respect is likely to be a recurring theme, and that you'd be better off running for the hills.

On the other hand, I guess that the immediate adoption of titles might be part of a game for some. *shrugs*
.
 
LouLouStBijou said:
So, since I started posting here I have had some responses from men who (after only one or two exchanges ) indictated that they wished to be called by one of the tiles above. My understanding of the use of an honorarium like that was that, generally speaking , there was history and a connection and a relationship built before that point. Am I wrong? Is the relationship between a D and s not a little more than slapping the title Sir on some random almost stranger? Doesn't that seem like putting the cart before the horse?
Click to expand...

You are absolutely right. The title you choose for your PYL should mean something to you. It should be established by you, through a lot of communication and getting to know him. I have had the same experience with guys on here wanting to be called Daddy. It just doesn't sit right. In fact, my Daddy, during the evolution of our D/s relationship, initially wanted to be called Master, but it just didn't fit. So He is Daddy between the two of us or in the presence of select few, and Sir or His first name in mixed company.
 
...

My advice is to immediately stop talking to anyone that does this, especially if you are seriously trying to meet someone. No Dom worth anything would attempt to impose that on you so early in a relationship. You should be more careful in who you choose to respond to, beyond just the usual jagoff creeps, there are some pretty terrible manipulators out there that can and will take advantage of you. Perhaps focus on making some friends that you can discuss/learn about things with, before venturing out.
 
I have no problem saying "Sir" or "Daddy" online. It fits my role as submissive tranny/sissy. But I never say "Master". I have only ONE Master.:)
 
I think part of the trouble with the Daddy/ Sir / Master / PYL title dujour is the way that BDSM erotica tends to be written which so many of us have in our heads as the "playbook" of how we "think" we are "supposed" to behave.

There are no shoulds or oughts. There is only what YOU feel comfortable with.
Interacting with real people, even if it is on-line, means that the two of you need to negotiate how you will interact with each other.

There are a lot of pretend PYL guys around here that are excellent manipulators and prey on newbie Lit subs for easy sexting and on-line fun times or whatever else they are interested in.

There are also genuine wonderful people around here who are as kind and lovely as any you might hope to meet. It takes effort, and practice to sort through and figure out the difference. Part of what sorts the wheat from the chaff are those who insist on you calling them immediately some kind of title or honorific if you are not comfortable doing so, asking you to prove anything to them, asking you to push past your hard limits, being unwilling to discuss what your limits are, or a general lack of interest in you as a person.

Good luck.
 
Here is a list of things to look out for that are signs of an Abuser posing as a Dominant.

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.
2) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
3) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
4) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the Dominant
5) Out of control jealousy
6) Explosive temper
7) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way
8) Abuses drugs/alcohol
9) Does not take responsibility for mistakes
10) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive
11) Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.
11) Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.
12) Withdrawal of affection
13) Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.

If your Dominant shows any of these signs on a consistent basis, please seek advice or help from experienced Dominants or subs to get an unbiased opinion of the situation.
 
Gianbattista said:
I think there is a further cmplication with 'sir'. I will happily use 'Sir' in daily life as a form of address with no bdsm implication whatsoever. To make this point of languAge/ society clearer if I can....I hope it doesn't confuse rather than clarify- here we are all speaking in English, where there is just 'you'. In some languages there is a 'formal' or 'polite' you or an 'informal' one.
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Yes - I too use "Sir" as a term of politeness with men that I do not know, and sometimes playfully with men that I am good friends with. I lived in the south just long enough and am around enough military folks still, to have adopted that as a polite term of deference, without ANY BDSM connotation or submission implied whatsoever.

But when someone here, in PM tells me in the second sentence that because I am a "sub", I should address him as "Sir" ~ well... that is a different matter altogether.
 
As a PYL, I am offended, OP, that you did not begin this thread with an honorific title! Remember the old saying, "If Doms might be reading, with 'Sir' you should be leading."
 
cascadiabound said:
Yes - I too use "Sir" as a term of politeness with men that I do not know, and sometimes playfully with men that I am good friends with. I lived in the south just long enough and am around enough military folks still, to have adopted that as a polite term of deference, without ANY BDSM connotation or submission implied whatsoever.

But when someone here, in PM tells me in the second sentence that because I am a "sub", I should address him as "Sir" ~ well... that is a different matter altogether.
Click to expand...

I am the same, CB. On both the respectful social use of 'sir' and 'ma'am' and on your second point ;)
 
For me it's difficult to use formal titles unless they've earned it and my Master okays it, either in writing and online friends or in person. It's a difficult point for me to make sometimes as some "old schoolers" expect respectful titles from anyone to identifies with the right side of the slash.

When this issue comes up I respectfully explain that I don't offer formal titles unless they've earned my submission. I can respect their position of dominance without being their submissive. And therefore ask that they respect my boundary as titles are something sacred between my Master, play partners, and myself.
 
FelicityJohns said:
You're absolutely right. Run far away from the dom who insists a( on his domliness and b( demands to be called anything. Huge red flags.

A title comes with understanding one another, with trust, time, patience, won respect, and so many other things. Most of all? It comes from within you. YOU. Not him. A leader will take and cherish what you offer of your own accord, because he inspires it in you. And he'll work tirelessly for the privilege.
Click to expand...


'domliness' ... heh heh heh. I think this is my word of the day.
 
LouLouStBijou said:
So, since I started posting here I have had some responses from men who (after only one or two exchanges ) indictated that they wished to be called by one of the tiles above. My understanding of the use of an honorarium like that was that, generally speaking , there was history and a connection and a relationship built before that point. Am I wrong? Is the relationship between a D and s not a little more than slapping the title Sir on some random almost stranger? Doesn't that seem like putting the cart before the horse?
Click to expand...

Agreed. On the other foot, I am not big on protocol, and being addressed that way by a submissive that I don't particularly know just seems odd to me. I'm not your sir and I'm definitely not yo' daddy.
 
I told my last ex she didn't have to call me Master, but when she did it actually felt pretty good.
 
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