Different types of doms

*puts head in a nice safe blanket cave* Threads like this make everything seem excessively complicated. Why do people have to make things complicated? I will stay here in my blanket cave until the love comes home and does whatever the balls he wants regardless of whatever the blazes it's bloody called. *grumble*

Nothing disturbs the blanket cave of fleecy retreat. Except maybe groping. Or having to go to work. Curse you, unpaid externship!!

But yah, it just seems that the more people try to put objective labels and definitions onto very subjective sensations, psychologies and preferences, the more they seem to fit improperly or just complicate the issue. What's it bloody matter anyway? In situations like this, I'd rather just use a few more words to be more precise, than try to fit someone into a one or two word box. It's not like it costs you any more to use more words Well, I suppose it may if you're posting on a phone or some rot like that...

With all due respect, my friend:

bhndblueyes88 said:

Why do people have to make things complicated?

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Why do people try to deny that things are complicated?

But yah, it just seems that the more people try to put objective labels and definitions onto very subjective sensations, psychologies and preferences, the more they seem to fit improperly or just complicate the issue.

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That's not what "people" were trying to do here.

What's it bloody matter anyway?

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Because not all of us have fluffy blankets to hide under.

Stella_Omega said:

Because not all of us have fluffy blankets to hide under.

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That sounds like a personal problem

I know it's a complicated issue, the definition business. It just seems to become excessively complicated when we go about trying to apply them. People always want to fit everything into little boxes instead of just using more words to qualify a statement. Not to mention that people get all pissy if you use the wrong box. I know that's not what people are doing here, it's just an observation I've made when the discussions come up in general. People get so worked up about it and, really, what does it matter? Besides the need for communication--which, imo, can also be accomplished just by more of it instead of better labeling--I guess I just don't see where it matters. That could just be because I'm not really involved in the bdsm community or anything, though. I suppose if you are I could see why it would matter. Yah, I guess that makes sense. After all, I jump all over people's butts when they use horse color names inappropriately

We are all very effective at talking about everything but the OP X-D

It isn't as much my problem as it was in my younger days. But it certainly is a problem, we can tell that by the number of people who come here looking for help in defining themselves.

Well, it matters because it matters. You can tell that by the way people get all worked up about it. IMO the question isn't "What does it matter?" but: "How can this we make this important thing a little easier on people?"

I've reminded people that there are two more words to add to our base vocabulary. You can argue about horse colors all you want-- but if one of you is talking about a mule and not a horse at all, for instance-- there aren't going to be any colts, of any color.

Or something like that.

Stella_Omega said:

It isn't as much my problem as it was in my younger days. But it certainly is a problem, we can tell that by the number of people who come here looking for help in defining themselves.

Well, it matters because it matters. You can tell that by the way people get all worked up about it. IMO the question isn't "What does it matter?" but: "How can this we make this important thing a little easier on people?"

I've reminded people that there are two more words to add to our base vocabulary. You can argue about horse colors all you want-- but if one of you is talking about a mule and not a horse at all, for instance-- there aren't going to be any colts, of any color.

Or something like that.

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I know you're trying hard to teach a valuable lesson. It's a course of a different collar, of course.

midwestyankee said:

I know you're trying hard to teach a valuable lesson. It's a course of a different collar, of course.

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*disturbingly girlish giggle*

Stella_Omega said:

*disturbingly girlish giggle*

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Mission accomplished. My work here is done.

kimuk said:

Being no expert and having very limited experiance it seems to me that every daynamic is individual. Every Dom is different just as everyones personalility is different. We are all indiviuals and how we interact with one person is unique. Our reactions and interactions would be different with another perosn. Either way it seems to me to be a mutually dependant relationship where you give and take what you want and need and reep the rewards sexually and emotionally .

So different types of Dom = different types of preople
Different expections = different desires.
what floats one persons boat dosent do it for another ?

I just know that my "relationships" with the men I have entered into a D/s dynamic have produced very different reactions from me .
But hell what do I know lol

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I see a Dom / sub relationship as being based on mutual respect. Each person takes away from it what they want, that's a given in my book, but there isn't humiliation for the sake of humiliation or sheer inflicting of pain for no other reason than you want to hurt somebody. That's a dynamic that I don't subscribe too. For me, a Dom sub relationship brings joy not self-loathing. I want my sub to like herself and enjoy what we do together. My thoughts, I'm sure others will differ: but enduring increasingly humiliating and demeaning tasks just to please somebody isn't submission its subjugation. I'll await your replies of which, I'm sure, there will be many!

biffothebear said:

I see a Dom / sub relationship as being based on mutual respect. Each person takes away from it what they want, that's a given in my book, but there isn't humiliation for the sake of humiliation or sheer inflicting of pain for no other reason than you want to hurt somebody. That's a dynamic that I don't subscribe too. For me, a Dom sub relationship brings joy not self-loathing. I want my sub to like herself and enjoy what we do together. My thoughts, I'm sure others will differ: but enduring increasingly humiliating and demeaning tasks just to please somebody isn't submission its subjugation. I'll await your replies of which, I'm sure, there will be many!

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And thats why our dynamic works so well. You make me feel good about myself, give me the space to explore, I feel like a partner with you allbeit a submissive one Sir. We share and we enjoy each other . A powerful gift which I'm thankful for .

with love x

biffothebear said:

I see a Dom / sub relationship as being based on mutual respect. Each person takes away from it what they want, that's a given in my book, but there isn't humiliation for the sake of humiliation or sheer inflicting of pain for no other reason than you want to hurt somebody. That's a dynamic that I don't subscribe too. For me, a Dom sub relationship brings joy not self-loathing. I want my sub to like herself and enjoy what we do together. My thoughts, I'm sure others will differ: but enduring increasingly humiliating and demeaning tasks just to please somebody isn't submission its subjugation. I'll await your replies of which, I'm sure, there will be many!

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For any D/s M/s anything relationship/lifestyle to work there must be mutual everything. Trust, respect, honesty, feeling safe with your partner, respect each other's limits. =) And everything else combined. As well as the chemistry. Gotta have that!!

biffothebear said:

I see a Dom / sub relationship as being based on mutual respect.

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CurvAppeal said:

For any D/s M/s anything relationship/lifestyle to work there must be mutual everything.

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Indeed.

I guess what always surprises me is that people seem to class D/s relationships (of whatever ilk) in a different light to non-D/s relationships. Why?

From my own point of view, a relationship is a relationship is a relationship. We do bring out different parts of ourselves in different relationships, some relationships feature things that others don't. But the base requirements of any successful relationship are the same: honesty, trust, respect, communication, etc.

I believe that for a D/s relationship to work well, no matter what the dynamic,
it still has to work well as a "relationship".

I guess where the complexity arises is in how we express ourselves within the relationships, and also to be honest in the types of relationships we do form, which are fairly varied. For example, "professional" relationships (which are not at all uncommon here in New Zealand) can be quite dramatically different from a "loving" relationship. Also, not every D/s interaction requires a relationship, just as not every sexual interaction requires a relationship.

So while there's a lot of leeway in the types of relationships we form (or don't form), D/s relationships still require the same things all other relationships need to survive.

(Stella, I am specifically using D/s, but it could be generalised to all other BDSM or kink-style relationships.)

I'm not sure how relationships relate to different styles of dominance though; perhaps because we mostly see dominance within the context of relationships?

bhndblueyes88 said:

I know it's a complicated issue, the definition business. It just seems to become excessively complicated when we go about trying to apply them. People always want to fit everything into little boxes instead of just using more words to qualify a statement.

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Mmm. It's a natural human tendency, I think. The way our brains work is to try and categorise and group "related things" together.

It gets complicated though because we don't actually all fit nice and neatly into those little boxes. If we did, then it would be simple.

bhndblueyes88 said:

Not to mention that people get all pissy if you use the wrong box.

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Heh. We sure do. We're sensitive wee beasties, we are.

bhndblueyes88 said:

People get so worked up about it and, really, what does it matter?

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It matters because we care. For some of us, this is the cornerstone of our lives. For others of us, it may not be the cornerstone but it's something we care about passionately. What you are seeing here is an expression of passion.

Just get two car-lovers together, or two wine-lovers, or two of anything we care about passionately, and you will hear similar conversations.

bhndblueyes88 said:

Besides the need for communication--which, imo, can also be accomplished just by more of it instead of better labeling--I guess I just don't see where it matters.

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I think the whole point of the conversation here has been to address the issue of conversation versus "better labelling". The labels are handy, sure, but they are not definitions. For definitions, we need the better communication.

I think you are asking "why do we need the better definitions?" Perhaps we don't. But I do know that if I know how other people relate to me, or are similar (or dissimilar) to me, then I can read what they write or look at what they do, and learn from them. There's a lot of applicability in what people out there do, and why should I relearn everything for myself when I can find people who are similar to myself and have already discovered how to do certain things?

By knowing how we relate, I can better judge what is applicable for myself, and how best to apply what other people can offer me.

bhndblueyes88 said:

That could just be because I'm not really involved in the bdsm community or anything, though. I suppose if you are I could see why it would matter.

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Okay, I don't wish to denigrate you here at all. But as a similar example, imagine you as someone who occasionally drinks coffee (and enjoys it) turns up to a coffee lovers convention. The types of conversations would be around which beans are best, how best to harvest, prepare, roast them. The ethics of coffee bean growing and how people in the industry should be rewarded. Etc, etc. It's a big topic! Well, it is for those who are really into it. For those of us (myself included) who just like to drink coffee, all of those conversations are kind of just shrug material.

bhndblueyes88 said:

Yah, I guess that makes sense. After all, I jump all over people's butts when they use horse color names inappropriately

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I won't even begin to show my ignorance here. But if you are passionate about horses, then you have already been a part of conversations that only matter because of your passion.

bhndblueyes88 said:

We are all very effective at talking about everything but the OP X-D

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Perhaps. The OP is about "different types of doms", and dominant is a label. We've been having quite a good discussion about exactly what "dominant" means, how we relate to labels, what the applicability of a label is and so forth.

Okay, we could have gone with:

Q: "Are there different types of doms?"
A: "Yes."

But then you would be none the wiser as to why and how the different "types" occur.

since I am new to the M/S world...just 1 year now, I still have a lot to learn. I ask a lot of questions, do research, watch videos. From what little I have seen, it looks like there are many different types of Doms, and by that I think it narrows down to what gets them off.

My Master is a kind and gentle man. He is not into inflicting pain (except for my beloved nipple clamps) or humiliation and he tells me all the time that his job is to keep his needy cunt satisfied. Of course I know the rules and the consequences. I chose to follow them as well as I can and Master has never had a need to discipline me, however I know it is always a possibility. I pray that never happens.

I serve him well and he rewards me for it!

BringIt69 said:

I agree with gfun here. Domination and controlling seem to come off, at least to me, as two completely different activities, and they seem to require two very distinct sets of mind.

I've always had the impression that controllers are really only interested in...well...controlling (duh), in having an obedient puppet for the sake of feeling dominant rather than being dominant. They only seem interested in obedience, and their vision of themselves as badass.

A dominant, on the other hand, is not only more invested in his partner, he also seems to know her better. Rather than being about having demands met, dominant ion is about being able to manipulate your partner's body and mind to respond they way you both want, without going too far. It requires, in my opinion, a great deal more skill and subtly. I've never found controllers very sexy.

It's just two easy to demand orders be followed and a lot more difficult to "encourage" a sub to want to follow orders.

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For me, this hits the nail on the head. There are upstart dominants that scream and stomp their feet when they don't get their way, rather than inspiring submission in their slaves. This is particularly challenging in a virtual environment, and demands a sophistication of mental ability versus physical presence, for at the peak of control the slave's body seems to "disengage" from her conscious mind for the purposes of fulfilling the command or punishment.

Though it is her hand that moves, it is not she that moves the hand, it is her Master's will.

Just wanted to say thank you to those who have contributed to this thread, I know it's from a while ago but there is some really good information here.

I'm currently writing the second part of a Domme story, and needed to do some research to establish how she would be training the two subs (male). So I hit Google.

Wow.

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but this was one of the first results that came up:
http://wpuploads-2.kink-network.com...23465488/Owning-and-Training-a-Male-Slave.pdf
And is more-or-less a handbook of how my Domme won't be treating her boys. (To save you reading it, she advocates non-consensual slavery by blackmailing the poor men and ruining their lives if they refuse.)

This troubled me, so I've been looking elsewhere, at (sorry about the labels) the types of Domme there are, and I found this helpful:
http://submissivesanddommes.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/2-kinds-of-dommes.html
This one too:
http://www.evilmonk.org/a/what_now.cfm

Does anyone have any other resources they would recommend, which don't involve the bitch/non-social Domme please?