D/s Advice please???

I've been in this great relationship for about 3 years. I've also been into D/s for several more years and helped my partner who had never experienced it before learn to enjoy it with me. I started her as a sub because what's a better way to learn other then sitting back and enjoying the ride, right? The problem is I enjoy both sides but she doesn't seem to want to learn to dominate and only wants to submit. Now my inner Dom is tired my inner Sub is neglected.

I've tried to lay down little hints such as "accidentally" cuffing myself to the bed in a compromising outfit, or saying things like "why don't you show me how you want it " but it always turned into something more of her just laughing and unlocking the cuffs or just telling me a list of things "I want you to get creative, be meaner, don't do this, don't do that, use more this...". So rather then us getting to mess around and my inner Sub getting taken care of I get a giggle and long lecture (and not the sexy student/teacher kind either).

I've also tried to bring it up more straight forward. "Its fun getting to knock you around a little but how about tonight we flip roles?" or "Tonight I think it would be fun if you were the dom". But those ended up worse. She just kind of brushed them off as jokes, told me she wasn't in the mood, or said she wasn't comfortable dominating.

When I do manage to convince her to take a little power it turns into this really weird, quiet, boring, vanilla session where she kind of acts like its a chore, gets the deed done, and then moves on.

She has this inner demon in her I've seen before. It's sexy, powerful, strong, demanding and perfect!! She just refuses to let it come out to play for more then a quick flash that she uses to seduce me into being the dom... again.....

I love her with all my heart. Our relationship is perfect except for this one thing.... any advice?

Obviously she isn't turned on by dominating you. Do you need her to dominate you or will topping you be enough? If so then you could order her to top you. Start out the play being the more dominant and then order her to tie you up, be specific each step of the way. DO you want to be flogged while tied? Order her to do so, but be specific--"Hit me hard 5 times". Give her a "good girl" when she obeys. Mixing up the two roles in this way may bring out her inner Top or not but it may be worth a try. Perhaps even if she does get a taste of it she may continue on her own.

if she is "Your" sub ..........

if she is Your sub then i am not sure what the problem is ,

as your sub her desire should be to please you ..........should it not ?

so then if you tell her that you require her to do something to you which turns you on then she should be following that request ...... should she not ?

trying new things that you are asked to do is often scary and uncomfortable ,usually because they are new,
but as a sub ,if she is sub then she will have no problem or should have no problem doing things which you ask of her even if she is unsure of them ,

if she is your sub ,there should already be a close bond ,trust ,honesty etc etc etc so there should be no reason for her to assume you would ask her to do anything that would endanger her in anyway or ask her to do anything she is not capable of doing ,
you are not asking her to become a Dom you are asking her to do something which you enjoy and you want your sub to do for you

again as a sub i have no idea what the problem is ,there is no question she should be giving you what you need ,

if you forgive me sounding offensive ,but i think she enjoys
the "i want to receive " part of being a sub ,
the "i can play this role because it feels good " part of being a sub,

but doesnt want
the "i enjoy pleasing my dom " part
the "it pleases me to please my dom" part
etc etc etc i could go on all night here ,
the point is if she is sub then she enjoys pleasing her dom ,it isnt about what she can get out of it ,although ofcourse thats part of it but its not all of it and it seesm she only wants that part ,in which case then she isnt sub as far as i can see ,
she is seeking pleasure ,which is fine but it is very different from being sub.

you guys need to talk ,good luck

Maybe talk to her while not in the bedroom or bringing it up then expecting her to be in sub headspace then suddently switch to top headspace. Talk to her to find out what she thinks will do it for her if she is Domming or topping you.

Personally I find impact while I am on top incredibly boring and it makes me feel totally turned off, it's just not my kink no matter how much I have tried, on the other hand CBT is sooooo much fun.

I agree with those who say, order her to do it. I absolutely love being required to give service to "him", no matter what it is. Get him a Starbucks, fix his broken toy, put away all the toys and organize the toy box, serve him food, etc. If he asked me to Top him, I would do it gladly. If he asked me to dominate him, I would do my best. I'm not sure I could do it well or for very long, but the effort would be there. My submissive soul would require me to do so.

Now, if he wanted me to become the Dominant in the relationship, or even a switch as far as the power exchange dynamic, that would probably not work for me, because it's not what I desire long term. Requiring me to change my mindset from submissive to switch or dominant would be a paradigm changer that could possibly end the relationship. Topping, no problem. "Dominating" within an activity or scene, no problem. Making it permanent? Problem.

I think you have to sit down and have a painfully honest chat with her to figure out what she wants and is willing to do for you. Hopefully you'll find out she wants to accommodate you, but if not, at least you have the information and can make an informed decision from there.

definatelydifferent42 said:

if she is Your sub then i am not sure what the problem is ,

as your sub her desire should be to please you ..........should it not ?

so then if you tell her that you require her to do something to you which turns you on then she should be following that request ...... should she not ?

trying new things that you are asked to do is often scary and uncomfortable ,usually because they are new,
but as a sub ,if she is sub then she will have no problem or should have no problem doing things which you ask of her even if she is unsure of them

Click to expand...

So by that logic, you (as a submissive) should be totally okay with subjugating your own sexuality and/or sexual identity, simply because martyring yourself to the religion of "whatever the dominant desires" is more important than your own truth?

And (by your logic) submissives who don't ascribe to that particular dogma, aren't actually submissive?

<pardon me while I quietly retch>

again as a sub i have no idea what the problem is ,there is no question she should be giving you what you need ,

Click to expand...

What about what the submissive needs? It is a consensual partnership, after all... Why are the dominant's needs the only ones of importance? Good luck to any dominant out there who thinks their needs trump those of the submissive, period.

if you forgive me sounding offensive ,but i think she enjoys
the "i want to receive " part of being a sub ,
the "i can play this role because it feels good " part of being a sub,

but doesnt want
the "i enjoy pleasing my dom " part
the "it pleases me to please my dom" part
etc etc etc i could go on all night here ,
the point is if she is sub then she enjoys pleasing her dom ,it isnt about what she can get out of it ,although of course thats part of it but its not all of it

you guys need to talk ,good luck

Click to expand...

Or... they're sexually incompatible.

[Christonacupcake... can we discuss alternative sexualities without all the fucking GUILT TRIPPING?]

Maybe when two people are sexually incompatible, it doesn't have anything to do with being a "good sub" or a "bad sub. Maybe they're just not sexually compatible.

Once upon a time (many years ago) I ended up in an arrangement in which I eventually discovered we were sexually incompatible. It was similar to the OP's situation, in which the other person needed a switch (who leaned towards Domme), when I was not anything of the sort. I was very new to D/s, and bought into the idea that if I was really submissive, I'd Domme him because it was something he neeeeeeded. To create a limit [boundary] re: Domming, was selfish of me. I was putting my [valid] needs ahead of his. That wasn't submissive! How wrong of me!

Was I capable of Topping? Yes.

Did it do anything for me? No.

Did it cause problems in the friendship/ relationship that couldn't be fixed? Hell yes.

I tried to make it work, to be "Domme enough" and to ignore my own wants and needs, for far longer than was good for me. It left me with a lot of scars. One of the legacies of that experience, of trying to be a "service Domme" (because after all, as a submissive, his desires were more important than my own), is that if I meet a man who IDs as a switch or submissive [hiding behind the ID of switch] I presume he is a manipulative, narcissistic, ego driven, drama queen who only cares about his own wants and needs [above all others]. Do I logically know that not all switch (or submissive) men are like that? Of course I do. But years after the fact, it's still my first impression. (Valid or not.)

and it seems she only wants that part ,in which case then she isn't sub as far as i can see ,
she is seeking pleasure ,which is fine but it is very different from being sub.

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So offensive.

Knowing one's sexuality, and recognizing one's limits, has nothing to do with "not being sub". It's called KNOWING ONE'S SEXUALITY and RECOGNIZING ONE'S LIMITS.

The OP is capable of (and derives pleasure from) switching.

Kick ass.
Good for him.
Live long and prosper.
(Or some such shit.)

The fact that his partner doesn't (derive pleasure from switching), does not in any way, shape, or form, have any implication on his partner's self-identity as a submissive.

It's kind of like the guy who told me I wasn't submissive because I wasn't impressed with his [poorly maintained] toy bag, when he hadn't even asked me if I knew how to make a decent cup of coffee, maintain a household, give a massage, or spend 90 minutes devoting myself to cock worship (without expecting any sort of sexual attention in return).

He decided I wasn't submissive, period. Which was incorrect.

A more accurate statement would have been that I wasn't a good submissive - for him.

Just adding to what has already been said here, to reinforce that advice...it really doesn't look like she's into being your dom. It seems like you have tried to get her to understand, but some people just aren't into it. And when they go through the motions, that's going to show, as you have found out. It seems like you might have more switching tendencies in you than she does.

Sitting down with her for a serious conversation about this will allow both of you to express any desires you have. But, she has a voice, too. If she's not into this, you then must accept the fact that she's not into being dom. Maybe she'll be willing to play the dom with some instructions from you, but don't expect her to get into it. The best you'll probably get from her is a good act.

But that also requires you to be good at explaining to her what you want her to do. Don't expect her to just step into the job without your input. If necessary, give her a step by step template to follow. You will be topping from the bottom, but that's probably what she would require to understand the necessary attitude of being dom.

Maybe, with your input, she could eventually do a satisfactory job of "playing" dom. But, keep in mind that she is just doing it to please you. She's still going to need to be submissive, so make sure you remember to give her what she desires, too.

CutieMouse said:

So by that logic, you (as a submissive) should be totally okay with subjugating your own sexuality and/or sexual identity, simply because martyring yourself to the religion of "whatever the dominant desires" is more important than your own truth?

And (by your logic) submissives who don't ascribe to that particular dogma, aren't actually submissive?

<pardon me while I quietly retch>



What about what the submissive needs? It is a consensual partnership, after all... Why are the dominant's needs the only ones of importance? Good luck to any dominant out there who thinks their needs trump those of the submissive, period.



Or... they're sexually incompatible.

[Christonacupcake... can we discuss alternative sexualities without all the fucking GUILT TRIPPING?]

Maybe when two people are sexually incompatible, it doesn't have anything to do with being a "good sub" or a "bad sub. Maybe they're just not sexually compatible.

Once upon a time (many years ago) I ended up in an arrangement in which I eventually discovered we were sexually incompatible. It was similar to the OP's situation, in which the other person needed a switch (who leaned towards Domme), when I was not anything of the sort. I was very new to D/s, and bought into the idea that if I was really submissive, I'd Domme him because it was something he neeeeeeded. To create a limit [boundary] re: Domming, was selfish of me. I was putting my [valid] needs ahead of his. That wasn't submissive! How wrong of me!

Was I capable of Topping? Yes.

Did it do anything for me? No.

Did it cause problems in the friendship/ relationship that couldn't be fixed? Hell yes.

I tried to make it work, to be "Domme enough" and to ignore my own wants and needs, for far longer than was good for me. It left me with a lot of scars. One of the legacies of that experience, of trying to be a "service Domme" (because after all, as a submissive, his desires were more important than my own), is that if I meet a man who IDs as a switch or submissive [hiding behind the ID of switch] I presume he is a manipulative, narcissistic, ego driven, drama queen who only cares about his own wants and needs [above all others]. Do I logically know that not all switch (or submissive) men are like that? Of course I do. But years after the fact, it's still my first impression. (Valid or not.)



So offensive.

Knowing one's sexuality, and recognizing one's limits, has nothing to do with "not being sub". It's called KNOWING ONE'S SEXUALITY and RECOGNIZING ONE'S LIMITS.

The OP is capable of (and derives pleasure from) switching.

Kick ass.
Good for him.
Live long and prosper.
(Or some such shit.)

The fact that his partner doesn't (derive pleasure from switching), does not in any way, shape, or form, have any implication on his partner's self-identity as a submissive.

It's kind of like the guy who told me I wasn't submissive because I wasn't impressed with his [poorly maintained] toy bag, when he hadn't even asked me if I knew how to make a decent cup of coffee, maintain a household, give a massage, or spend 90 minutes devoting myself to cock worship (without expecting any sort of sexual attention in return).

He decided I wasn't submissive, period. Which was incorrect.

A more accurate statement would have been that I wasn't a good submissive - for him.

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I genuinely don't think I could agree with CutieMouse here more!

Bravo... Well said!

1. Open the relationship. Get someone else to do it.
2. See a pro. Get someone else to do it.
3. Seek new relationship with someone who wants to do it if she can't get with those programs.

She can't be a Domme any more than you can not-be-a-switch. That also doesn't mean that you have to run around as martyr to her limits any more than it makes her "not submissive enough" to service Domme you to your specifications. She can either do it or compromise on this because she wouldn't tolerate sublimating all of her needs either.

Netzach said:

1. Open the relationship. Get someone else to do it.
2. See a pro. Get someone else to do it.
3. Seek new relationship with someone who wants to do it if she can't get with those programs.

She can't be a Domme any more than you can not-be-a-switch. That also doesn't mean that you have to run around as martyr to her limits any more than it makes her "not submissive enough" to service Domme you to your specifications. She can either do it or compromise on this because she wouldn't tolerate sublimating all of her needs either.

Click to expand...

You have mastered the art of the short, informative response. Too bad you're so wishy-washy ..... Oh, wait. Ya got that covered too.... Lol

Thanks for all the advice everyone, it's been really helpful!

I know I'm coming into the conversation late.

Just because *you* like to (or are a) switch doesn't mean she is/can be. That "inner demon" you see? It might just be wishful thinking on your part converting anger on her part. And playing in anger is not a good thing.

Some bottoms can learn to become service Tops, some can not. It sounds like your girl can't. Or really, really doesn't want to.

I'm a Top. A sadist. There isn't a masochistic bone anywhere in my body. When it comes to taking pain, I'm a wus and I happily admit it. My Tori is a Top, and a sadist. She is also a masochist and a bottom.

MY masochist and bottom. I can't bottom to her, I'm not a masochist and it would totally fuck over our relationship dynamic. SHE can switch which side of the slash she plays on. I can't. So to support her in getting her sadistic needs met, she Tops others outside our relationship. She hates needles, I do needle play with others...

Find a way to make it work. I'm going to echo Netzach here - open the relationship to you having a Top outside the relationship, suck it up and deal, or let her go to find another switch who is more compatible with what you want/need.

Good luck!

MeltformySir said:

I agree with those who say, order her to do it. I absolutely love being required to give service to "him", no matter what it is. Get him a Starbucks, fix his broken toy, put away all the toys and organize the toy box, serve him food, etc. If he asked me to Top him, I would do it gladly. If he asked me to dominate him, I would do my best. I'm not sure I could do it well or for very long, but the effort would be there. My submissive soul would require me to do so.

Now, if he wanted me to become the Dominant in the relationship, or even a switch as far as the power exchange dynamic, that would probably not work for me, because it's not what I desire long term. Requiring me to change my mindset from submissive to switch or dominant would be a paradigm changer that could possibly end the relationship. Topping, no problem. "Dominating" within an activity or scene, no problem. Making it permanent? Problem.

I think you have to sit down and have a painfully honest chat with her to figure out what she wants and is willing to do for you. Hopefully you'll find out she wants to accommodate you, but if not, at least you have the information and can make an informed decision from there.

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As a sub who thought she was a switch, I have to agree with this x100!

Sure, I can enjoy playing Dom, but it's just that: playing. I can guess what a sub wants & play mindgames with that pretty well, I've got to say. It's not that hard for me, since I understand things like subspace firsthand. As a sub, though, I -need- a Dom to do things to/make me do things just because they enjoy them. If it happens for my pleasure, even if it's in a roundabout way, that's not good enough. No matter how much I enjoyed it, my sub needs would still be unmet since I haven't truely served. If that's what my partner needs, I can't fill that need, and no matter how good I am with mindgames or other topping techniques, it doesn't change that.

If I were more poly-inclined I'd probably make a very good alpha-sub, but switching, & even enjoying it, doesn't always make someone a switch, and for some of us that's really easy to get confused. I ended up in a situation pretty similar to B.H.43's because we both thought we were switches & were both wrong (& sadly, no, weren't a Dom/sub pair either)...I ended up being pushed into the Dom role constantly, leaving my sub needs unmet, & considering that/how I was dumped, wasn't apperently meeting my partner's needs either, no matter how well I played the role (& I did).

We never talked about it. I just kept setting aside my needs until the relationship exploded & suspect that something similar was true in the reverse (not that I ever got a clear, honest answer to specifically what went wrong...had to figgure that all out myself in the following years).

So yes, please talk about it. Hopefully, things will work out for you if you do.

Brokenheart43 said:

I've been in this great relationship for about 3 years. I've also been into D/s for several more years and helped my partner who had never experienced it before learn to enjoy it with me. I started her as a sub because what's a better way to learn other then sitting back and enjoying the ride, right? The problem is I enjoy both sides but she doesn't seem to want to learn to dominate and only wants to submit. Now my inner Dom is tired my inner Sub is neglected.

I've tried to lay down little hints such as "accidentally" cuffing myself to the bed in a compromising outfit, or saying things like "why don't you show me how you want it " but it always turned into something more of her just laughing and unlocking the cuffs or just telling me a list of things "I want you to get creative, be meaner, don't do this, don't do that, use more this...". So rather then us getting to mess around and my inner Sub getting taken care of I get a giggle and long lecture (and not the sexy student/teacher kind either).

I've also tried to bring it up more straight forward. "Its fun getting to knock you around a little but how about tonight we flip roles?" or "Tonight I think it would be fun if you were the dom". But those ended up worse. She just kind of brushed them off as jokes, told me she wasn't in the mood, or said she wasn't comfortable dominating.

When I do manage to convince her to take a little power it turns into this really weird, quiet, boring, vanilla session where she kind of acts like its a chore, gets the deed done, and then moves on.

She has this inner demon in her I've seen before. It's sexy, powerful, strong, demanding and perfect!! She just refuses to let it come out to play for more then a quick flash that she uses to seduce me into being the dom... again.....

I love her with all my heart. Our relationship is perfect except for this one thing.... any advice?

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Break up with her. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.

Felix_Jones said:

Break up with her. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.

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Felix, are you going to change the record soon? You're stuck in a groove.

Learning to "bottom from the top" is not an easy thing. The first time a previous Dom asked me to do so, I halfheartedly swing a flogger at him a few times and started to cry. I didn't have anything resembling a "feel" for doing what he wanted. It took a while for me to think it through in a way that could make sense...I was giving him sensation instead of reaction, initiating feedback from him instead of the other way around.

We tried again and this time I started with what I knew best. I cuffed him to the bed and gave him a long, slow tease of touches, licks and kisses...the things I'd rather wanted to do but wasn't often allowed. From there to one of the slowest blowjobs I've ever given, with slaps and pinches mixed in. I tried to put myself in his place and do the things to him that I enjoyed receiving. We switched several times after that, but we both knew that my heart wasn't fully in it. He's married to an excellent female dominant now, and all is well.

So, back to the OP...if she truly wishes to serve you, perhaps giving her this sort of perspective might help.