What makes it better

I need some advice. Over the last few weeks my BF became a different person. And over the weekend assaulted me twice in one morning. I actually had to break the glass in the back door to get out. Then he broke off the relationship. In 3 years I have never seen anything like this out of him. Then the next morning he kicks in the door and yells and screams at me . I know that I can't let him back in for my own health and safety reasons, but I still care deeply for him. I was wondering can I make this situation better for both of us. I have never had a bad or violent break up before and feel so lost and overwhelmed. And I am also scared that he will try to hurt me again. I am at a loss and have no idea how to help both of us. Anybody have any ideas.

My wife was in a few abusive relationships.

I say change the locks and get a restraining order.

megacockladonsslut said:

I need some advice. Over the last few weeks my BF became a different person. And over the weekend assaulted me twice in one morning. I actually had to break the glass in the back door to get out. Then he broke off the relationship. In 3 years I have never seen anything like this out of him. Then the next morning he kicks in the door and yells and screams at me . I know that I can't let him back in for my own health and safety reasons, but I still care deeply for him. I was wondering can I make this situation better for both of us. I have never had a bad or violent break up before and feel so lost and overwhelmed. And I am also scared that he will try to hurt me again. I am at a loss and have no idea how to help both of us. Anybody have any ideas.

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Do all these concurrently... change the lock, file a police report, seek a restraining order, severe the relationship with him.
Better to be safe than sorry. No one is worth a minute of your time once abuse sets in. When it comes to abuse...one strike, the person is out.

It doesn't really matter what he was and what brought up the sudden change. sometimes people just go insane all of a sudden, you know. Or he got some problems that may even be unrelated to you and he drains his stress that way.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I would advice the same thing that you have already been advised. Go to the police, change the locks on your doors. Make sure he leaves you alone.

It's a very dangerous situation to be in. I don't want to scare you too much, but it can be life threatening, if he suddenly developed a mental illness for some reason.

Please be careful. And best of luck to you.

Denny

Cme2 said:

Do all these concurrently... change the lock, file a police report, seek a restraining order, severe the relationship with him.
Better to be safe than sorry. No one is worth a minute of your time once abuse sets in. When it comes to abuse...one strike, the person is out.

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Sadly, yes, as above! He could forgive and be great for awhile. But it will never last and your safety is more important.

Indeed, there's no trusting him now. If he did it once, he will probably do again. If you forgive him and be together again - pray that he doesn't become abusive 5 years later when you have a small baby on your hands.

Better not do this at all.

There is probably a women's shelter in your area. Contact it. Now. I mean it. And follow every procedure they recommend. They've been there, they know the ropes.

His behavior isn't your problem. It's his. Your problem is protecting yourself. I wish him well in trying to conquer his demons, but there's really nothing you can do, and trying to help him now could easily lead to enabling him to continue what he's doing, and to create an unhealthy dependency on you.

megacockladonsslut said:

I need some advice.... I am at a loss and have no idea how to help both of us...

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Both?? That line of thinking will just cause more problems for you. Concentrate on fixing your problems. ( Restraining order, women's shelter, women's crisis hotline, change locks, etc )

This relationship is done. Don't try to revive it.

His problem is HIS problem, not yours. He is an adult. You can't fix his problems for him.

megacockladonsslut said:

I know that I can't let him back in for my own health and safety reasons, but I still care deeply for him. I was wondering can I make this situation better for both of us. I have never had a bad or violent break up before and feel so lost and overwhelmed. And I am also scared that he will try to hurt me again. I am at a loss and have no idea how to help both of us. Anybody have any ideas.

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Like others have said, his well-being is not your responsibility. Focus on your own safety. Be careful - he may act nice for a while, apologies/flowers/promises/etc. - but that sort of "improvement" rarely lasts.

Your bio says you're in Iowa? These people might be able to give practical advice, or just lend an understanding ear: http://www.survivorshelpline.org/

Cme2 said:

Do all these concurrently... change the lock, file a police report, seek a restraining order, severe the relationship with him.
Better to be safe than sorry. No one is worth a minute of your time once abuse sets in. When it comes to abuse...one strike, the person is out.

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Everyone has given the same advice. TAKE IT. After you file the police report, request that they keep your house on watch for a few days. Don't go home, stay with friends or family...or even a shelter if you have no other option. With the information you have provided, he will not be happy once he knows you turned him in. He will most likely be arrested, get out on bail, and react negatively. He will probably try to guilt you into dropping the charges, which you should not do under any circumstances. Generally speaking, once you report it to the police you can't just drop the charges but his defence lawyer would want your testimony to sway the verdict in his favor due to 'first time offense' or other negotiable details. I know it's hard to take this step because you still care about him, but 'protecting' him will not get him the help he needs. And he does need help, but you cannot be the one to help him. Im sorry. Be strong and don't be afraid to ask for help or support where you can get it. I'm sure this may not be the advice you were hoping to hear, but please do take this seriously. I wish you well.

I have changed the locks plus added some extra ones to reinforce them. I have also spoken to the neighbors and let them know what is going on. Thank all of you for your advice. It is what I was thinking but not really wanting to admit to myself. The hardest part for me is going to be learning to trust again. I had complete trust in him. That is something I need in a relationship both in daily life and for my sexual nature. Time will tell and I am going to focus on myself for now. This just really sucks!

Denny

Good luck. You received some good advice. Nothing else will make it better.
We've been along the Mississippi. It's not always smooth sailing.

We're actually in Illinois along the Illinois.

You still should have called the police because of the extreme violence of his actions as you described them. Whatever his problem is, he needs help and he is a very real danger to you. Your steps so far are not enough.

All he advice you've received should be taken. But you've stated he's violent, and backed that up with supportive evidence. You need to protect yourself. Consider getting a conceal carry permit, buy yourself a nice handgun, and get yourself trained. The alternative could be your own demise. You're in an abusive relationship.

coachdb18 said:

All he advice you've received should be taken. But you've stated he's violent, and backed that up with supportive evidence. You need to protect yourself. Consider getting a conceal carry permit, buy yourself a nice handgun, and get yourself trained. The alternative could be your own demise. You're in an abusive relationship.

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Buying a handgun is a very personal decision; it's not the right answer for everyone. Self defence classes are always a plus though.

It is advisable to still report it to the police so it's on record, but I understand if that makes you uncomfortable right now. At the very least, if he makes contact with you again, you should let him know that it is absolutely over and that you don't want him bothering you anymore. Do not trust him enough to be alone with him. And if he continues to harass you, definitely get a restraining order. Good luck.

The hardest part for me is going to be learning to trust again. I had complete trust in him. That is something I need in a relationship both in daily life and for my sexual nature. Time will tell and I am going to focus on myself for now. This just really sucks!

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The world is full of jerks. And it's also full of people who get ill, or who change suddenly due to uncontrolled circumstances.

One of my friends dated a girl once and then she went completely off the rails - starving herself, not sleeping for days on end, accusing him and trying to cut her veins demonstratively. It was very hard on him, but in the end the best he could do was get her to have some medical treatment and break the relationship. There was nothing he could do to get her to snap out of it, and he couldn't live like that because it was taking a toll on him too.
What I'm saying is, sometimes you need to learn to let go and move on. Your boyfriend, for whatever reason it was, broke the trust for good. Move on and find your happiness elsewhere. Your life and your problems are more important than his, because he's an adult just like you.

But the world is also full of good people who will take care of you and will never hurt you. To overcome your fear and lack of trust, the worst thing you can do is "take a break" and try to do this on your own. THis will only deepen the rift and let your fears develop.

I whish you find yourself a nice new boyfriend soon, who could make you feel happy and safe again.

couple

I'm sorry for your trauma and troubles.
A couple of things that may not have been covered so far. First and foremost, sharpen up your discernment. There were clues that this guy was and is unstable. No such behavior comes out of the blue. Do what you need to do to learn to be distrustful. For starters on that subject, trust is NEVER given, it is earned.
Second, the guy belongs in jail. I KNOW you will disagree and you'll fee very strongly that not prosecuting him for assault, of which is he clearly guilty, is doing him a favor. That idea is wrong as wrong can be. It is akin to enabling a drunk or drug addict. He will never learn that breaking the law by assaulting you has consequences until those consequences hit him. There is nothing whatever you or anyone else can do to persuade him to behave properly.