the marks of a slave

He is on vacation, while the kids are in school.

It means that I am not available, and I gradually spread the word, postponing meetings, telling friends I'll call them back. I don't tell anyone why I am not available. I just say "my time is not my own" and smile.

He made it clear last night, during our valentine's eve play-date, that I could have what I wanted if I gave him what he wanted. Without him asking.

"You know what I want."

Earlier in the evening, I played a lighting round game of chess while he watched, and quietly prided myself on my ability to process his non-verbal commentary on my moves - and adjust accordingly - in the two seconds I had to work with.

So, why . . . really, why? is it so hard for me to act on his sexual desires.

What if I reduced my life to those two second periods . . . in that time frame, even as I squeal my resistance - like tires on a road in a sharp turn - I can do what he wants.

But then what would happen to those long eroding influences, that shape the rock of my being over years with the presence of that steady force? Would the rock retain enough shape to offer resistance, or will it inevitably break apart and tumble away?

Is it my goal to be able to respond to his desires without him having to ask? Of course it is. That is one way we measure our love. In the intimacy with which we hold each other.

If I'm honest with myself, I always know what he wants.
In any given moment, I know.

So, why . . . really, why? don't I give it to him.

It must be because my resistance gives me something that I want just a little bit more than I want to serve and please him. It gives me the chance to experience his force.

And it binds me in a psychological knot of wanting two conflicting things at the same time. And it stops the momentum of action. And it makes the rock more dense and unmoving.

eastern sun said:

It must be because my resistance gives me something that I want just a little bit more than I want to serve and please him. It gives me the chance to experience his force.

Click to expand...

This has made me think...I'll be back after I ponder a while. Thank you for stirring up my thoughts

ETA: I’m back after thinking about this for a while.

I miss experiencing his force. Or perhaps I should say I thought I wasn’t experiencing his force. We were talking a couple weeks ago about how our relationship has changed over the years. I was saying how I don’t feel as submissive because I am not told to do anything anymore.
He reminded me of all the little tasks I do for him every day that I now do without any resistance at all. They are done really without any thought because they have just become ingrained into my every day routine.

I asked him if that makes me boring. Does he miss watching me struggle with trying to obey. I thought for sure he must. I miss it, though I don’t miss the tears and I don’t miss his anger. He sort of chuckled. He said he went through all that drama and upheaval to reach this point, to get me to the point of immediate obedience. He has me just as he wants me.

I thought about that for a while. It has been almost 7 years. This past year was the most difficult struggle of all. But I have finally surrendered and we are at peace. It’s nice. I was missing the resistance because there seemed to be always something. I miss it because it was always there, not because I wanted it to always be there.

I am enjoying the peace of surrender and immediate obedience. I am enjoying being able to be the owned submissive he wants me to be.

I will save the struggling to the painful physical submission. The result from that is always welcome.

ecstaticsub said:

I miss experiencing his force. Or perhaps I should say I thought I wasn’t experiencing his force. We were talking a couple weeks ago about how our relationship has changed over the years. I was saying how I don’t feel as submissive because I am not told to do anything anymore.
He reminded me of all the little tasks I do for him every day that I now do without any resistance at all. They are done really without any thought because they have just become ingrained into my every day routine.

I asked him if that makes me boring. Does he miss watching me struggle with trying to obey. I thought for sure he must. I miss it, though I don’t miss the tears and I don’t miss his anger. He sort of chuckled. He said he went through all that drama and upheaval to reach this point, to get me to the point of immediate obedience. He has me just as he wants me.

I thought about that for a while. It has been almost 7 years. This past year was the most difficult struggle of all. But I have finally surrendered and we are at peace. It’s nice. I was missing the resistance because there seemed to be always something. I miss it because it was always there, not because I wanted it to always be there.

I am enjoying the peace of surrender and immediate obedience. I am enjoying being able to be the owned submissive he wants me to be.

I will save the struggling to the painful physical submission. The result from that is always welcome.

Click to expand...

You said it. . . "surrender" That word has been popping up in most of my conversations lately. In fact, I logged on this morning, thinking I might muse on the word "surrender." And then look. . . you mentioned it . . . "the peace of surrender."

Someone asked me yesterday whether I thought human beings could live together without conflict. And my thought was . . . only if - in any given moment - one "surrenders" to the will of the other.

"Surrender" - the root of peace.

It's ego-deflating, isn't it? My 16 year old son can barely tolerate the thought.

And yet, what good has my ego done for me lately? Really. What is an ego anyway? What exactly am I defending?

(I sometimes think it's my life that's at risk, if you want to know the truth. But I don't know that I've got that right.)

for eastern sun and ecstatic sub

Both of you writer with clarity and beauty about your inner struggle with resistance.

It made me analyse my own moments of resistance.

In the beginning of my submission I found those moments disappointing. Like I was somehow failing in my submission. Those moments made me question my choice of this lifestyle repeatedly.

Then I tried ignoring them. And until last night I believed with enough patience and effort those moments would cease.

Now I know differently. I am a strong person. I have been for most of my life. Strength is integral to who I am. For a few years I lived in an emotionally abuse relationship. My exp partner derided my strength every day. I didn't become weak. Rather, I forgot how strong I truly am.

When the relationship ended, it took me a long time to become accustomed to using my
strength again. I cherish it.

That moment of resistance is me, acknowledging my strength. Gathering it in. Reassuring myself of it's weight. Allowing myself too fully own it. Letting my Master see it. Then deliberately choosing to give it to Him.

That moment of resistance is the core of my submission. Without it I would be less.

knot_sweet said:

for eastern sun and ecstatic sub

Both of you writer with clarity and beauty about your inner struggle with resistance.

It made me analyse my own moments of resistance.

In the beginning of my submission I found those moments disappointing. Like I was somehow failing in my submission. Those moments made me question my choice of this lifestyle repeatedly.

Then I tried ignoring them. And until last night I believed with enough patience and effort those moments would cease.

Now I know differently. I am a strong person. I have been for most of my life. Strength is integral to who I am. For a few years I lived in an emotionally abuse relationship. My exp partner derided my strength every day. I didn't become weak. Rather, I forgot how strong I truly am.

When the relationship ended, it took me a long time to become accustomed to using my
strength again. I cherish it.

That moment of resistance is me, acknowledging my strength. Gathering it in. Reassuring myself of it's weight. Allowing myself too fully own it. Letting my Master see it. Then deliberately choosing to give it to Him.

That moment of resistance is the core of my submission. Without it I would be less.

Click to expand...

Thank you. I have a question, the part I put in bold, do you have to mentally do that with each new struggle or did you have an epiphany of sorts and choose to give it all to him at once?

If you need to do that each time does it not get tiring? That probably isn't the right word but I guess I just see that process a little mentally stressful. At least it would be for me.

eastern sun said:

You said it. . . "surrender" That word has been popping up in most of my conversations lately. In fact, I logged on this morning, thinking I might muse on the word "surrender." And then look. . . you mentioned it . . . "the peace of surrender."

Someone asked me yesterday whether I thought human beings could live together without conflict. And my thought was . . . only if - in any given moment - one "surrenders" to the will of the other.

"Surrender" - the root of peace.

It's ego-deflating, isn't it? My 16 year old son can barely tolerate the thought.

And yet, what good has my ego done for me lately? Really. What is an ego anyway? What exactly am I defending?

(I sometimes think it's my life that's at risk, if you want to know the truth. But I don't know that I've got that right.)

Click to expand...

I will add something. Sometimes I have to fake the surrender to keep the peace. It's the "fake it till you make it" of surrender. Something comes up and my mind wants to resist but I know I shouldn't, I can't. So I outwardly surrender. I know eventually I will be at peace with it I just need to process it a little longer.

Some may think this is being dishonest. But I know all he cares about is my obedience and calmness. So I give him what he wants and handle my inner turmoil on my own. But it is getting easier and easier since I have accepted that I will in the end surrender.

It certainly is ego deflating. All this time that I have been fighting it has been because I thought I was afraid people would think I was a doormat, or not sticking up for myself or not demanding to be treated a certain way. In truth it was not that I was afraid of what others thought I was afraid of what I thought of myself.

I thought what's wrong with me for being ok with all this?

But just as it really doesn't matter what other people think, it also doesn't matter what I think. I'm happy in my surrender. I am getting my needs met. My surrender has given me much more of what I really wanted then my resistance ever did.

I may have surrendered the battles, but won the war.

ecstaticsub said:

I will add something. Sometimes I have to fake the surrender to keep the peace. It's the "fake it till you make it" of surrender. Something comes up and my mind wants to resist but I know I shouldn't, I can't. So I outwardly surrender. I know eventually I will be at peace with it I just need to process it a little longer.

Some may think this is being dishonest. But I know all he cares about is my obedience and calmness. So I give him what he wants and handle my inner turmoil on my own. But it is getting easier and easier since I have accepted that I will in the end surrender.

It certainly is ego deflating. All this time that I have been fighting it has been because I thought I was afraid people would think I was a doormat, or not sticking up for myself or not demanding to be treated a certain way. In truth it was not that I was afraid of what others thought I was afraid of what I thought of myself.

I thought what's wrong with me for being ok with all this?

But just as it really doesn't matter what other people think, it also doesn't matter what I think. I'm happy in my surrender. I am getting my needs met. My surrender has given me much more of what I really wanted then my resistance ever did.

I may have surrendered the battles, but won the war.

Click to expand...

Yes! and Yes!

True for me too.

knot_sweet said:

That moment of resistance is me, acknowledging my strength. Gathering it in. Reassuring myself of it's weight. Allowing myself too fully own it. Letting my Master see it. Then deliberately choosing to give it to Him.

That moment of resistance is the core of my submission. Without it I would be less.

Click to expand...

I agree with what you're saying. Because I think you're absolutely right that the resistance is "me." All that is that is "me" - my physical self with all its instincts and impulses and inertia, my ego and all its mental structures.

If "I" wasn't there, there would be nothing for his force to act on.

Once in a while he would actually prefer that I think simply because it would be quieter and more peaceful.

But then he would be alone.

To ecstatic sub

Yes, at the beginning of each session I do this.
And very occasionally when M/M challenges my boundaries in a new way.
Once I make that initial choice to submit, the rest of the session I am completely His.
It's a very deliberate act on my part, but one that only takes two or three heartbeats.

knot_sweet said:

To ecstatic sub

Yes, at the beginning of each session I do this.
And very occasionally when M/M challenges my boundaries in a new way.
Once I make that initial choice to submit, the rest of the session I am completely His.
It's a very deliberate act on my part, but one that only takes two or three heartbeats.

Click to expand...

Ok, thanks.

Surrender

I often struggle against him when there really is no reason to do so. Sometimes I think it's as simple as getting caught up in the stress of the day and not wanting or being able to just let go and comply. I don't know, really, but I often catch myself and think, what the heck, why am I making this so difficult?

knot_sweet said:

That moment of resistance is me, acknowledging my strength. Gathering it in. Reassuring myself of it's weight. Allowing myself too fully own it. Letting my Master see it. Then deliberately choosing to give it to Him.

That moment of resistance is the core of my submission. Without it I would be less.

Click to expand...

You write here about your strength. I have found it useful to think of it as my power. It cuts through the notion that a submissive partner is without power, a hope I have harbored in order to escape responsibility for my actions and desires (i.e. I'm only doing this because you want me to).

What I find interesting is the intersections when I cannot escape the reality of his desires and actions and the reality of my own. It is in those moments when our relationship is expressed.

intothewoods said:

I often struggle against him when there really is no reason to do so. Sometimes I think it's as simple as getting caught up in the stress of the day and not wanting or being able to just let go and comply. I don't know, really, but I often catch myself and think, what the heck, why am I making this so difficult?

Click to expand...

I have the same experience. My days are full, and I am not always "ready" to let go of my agenda when he returns to me.

I've always thought protocol, like routine gestures or phrases used in those moments, serve as conditioning gateways to re-establish the power exchange or remind us of our contractual agreement.

(But that lets me use his lack of interest in protocol to give me an "out." Isn't it up to me to make myself 'ready' at the drop of a hat? That's his expectation. And hard for me to live up to consistently.)

I am too powerful. I want to be weak.

eastern sun said:

You write here about your strength. I have found it useful to think of it as my power. It cuts through the notion that a submissive partner is without power, a hope I have harbored in order to escape responsibility for my actions and desires (i.e. I'm only doing this because you want me to).

What I find interesting is the intersections when I cannot escape the reality of his desires and actions and the reality of my own. It is in those moments when our relationship is expressed.

Click to expand...

I enjoy that your thoughts are written with clarity and feeling. Far be it for me to
argue with your on your own thread, I chose the word 'strength' rather than 'power' deliberately.

For me, strength is an internal force that controls and supports self. On it's own it has no ability to exert influence on others. It can be given to or used by another in support of their power.
Power is the ability to control or effect change externally. This is something I lack.

Of course, this is just my thought and no doubt there will be many who have other ideas. This is something I like alot about this forum.

eastern sun said:

I have the same experience. My days are full, and I am not always "ready" to let go of my agenda when he returns to me.

I've always thought protocol, like routine gestures or phrases used in those moments, serve as conditioning gateways to re-establish the power exchange or remind us of our contractual agreement.

(But that lets me use his lack of interest in protocol to give me an "out." Isn't it up to me to make myself 'ready' at the drop of a hat? That's his expectation. And hard for me to live up to consistently.)

Click to expand...

Yeah my husband has zero interest in protocol. He wants me ready when the mood strikes him, but practically speaking, when you have kids in the house, it's best to do a little advance planning. And yet nothing turns my husband off more than when I try to engineer our sex life. So I don't.

I just remembered something -- there are times when I've just put the baby down and he wants to fuck right there and then. I have a real hard time with the transition from mommy-me to sexual-me, and a couple of times I have snapped, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? But the stupid thing is that I could quite easily say, honey, I need a few minutes, and he would most likely not mind a bit. I think I'm really just pissed by the situation -- I want to please everyone, you know? And I'm mad I can't do it, so I snap at him. But that's unfair and ridiculous. It's my communication issue.

There are other times though that there is no reason but I feel myself shutting down. Like I just don't want to allow myself a sexual response. I don't even know what it's about.

intothewoods said:

Yeah my husband has zero interest in protocol. He wants me ready when the mood strikes him, but practically speaking, when you have kids in the house, it's best to do a little advance planning. And yet nothing turns my husband off more than when I try to engineer our sex life. So I don't.

I just remembered something -- there are times when I've just put the baby down and he wants to fuck right there and then. I have a real hard time with the transition from mommy-me to sexual-me, and a couple of times I have snapped, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? But the stupid thing is that I could quite easily say, honey, I need a few minutes, and he would most likely not mind a bit. I think I'm really just pissed by the situation -- I want to please everyone, you know? And I'm mad I can't do it, so I snap at him. But that's unfair and ridiculous. It's my communication issue.

There are other times though that there is no reason but I feel myself shutting down. Like I just don't want to allow myself a sexual response. I don't even know what it's about.

Click to expand...

Being there, done that on the snapping.
It is sort of a reaction to "don't you understand I need a little break?".
I've tried the calm response, but the truth was that I needed 5 hours not 5 minutes, so I would just end up even more resentful.

Now the kids are older so that is not a reason anymore.
And yet I found myself doing the shutting down and dreading and resenting thing all over again.

I know that most is simply situationally related (work and financed are a bit stressful at the moment). Still, I can allow myself to forget about them while out and about, but have a harder time doing it with Hubby.

*sigh*

Re: surrender

intothewoods said:

I often struggle against him when there really is no reason to do so. Sometimes I think it's as simple as getting caught up in the stress of the day and not wanting or being able to just let go and comply. I don't know, really, but I often catch myself and think, what the heck, why am I making this so difficult?

Click to expand...

I realized at the root of the misunderstanding with the Sadist is my struggle with surrender.

I fear there is not coming back from surrender.
I fear that once I've surrendered completely, my identity, my person will cease to exist and matter, and I'll just become an object for his pleasure.

That is what he wants, and that is what I played at.

Last time I was put to task to prove if it was real or play.

I clung to myself as hard as I could with the consequences that it had.



And from there I got to thinking further and deeper.

I always had an inkling that my lack of sexual arousal and response to most sexual acts and activity since acknowledging my submissive nature, is a form of control I exercise unconsciously on my body.

But I did not realize how much it is related to my struggle with surrendering.

Unreleased control just stay dormant until it sees its chance and it slowly start to expand and wanting to take over other aspects as well.

Someone wrote that whomever control her pussy, controls her mind and soul.
I can see the truth of that.

rida said:

I realized at the root of the misunderstanding with the Sadist is my struggle with surrender.

I fear there is not coming back from surrender.
I fear that once I've surrendered completely, my identity, my person will cease to exist and matter, and I'll just become an object for his pleasure.

That is what he wants, and that is what I played at.

Last time I was put to task to prove if it was real or play.

I clung to myself as hard as I could with the consequences that it had.



And from there I got to thinking further and deeper.

I always had an inkling that my lack of sexual arousal and response to most sexual acts and activity since acknowledging my submissive nature, is a form of control I exercise unconsciously on my body.

But I did not realize how much it is related to my struggle with surrendering.

Unreleased control just stay dormant until it sees its chance and it slowly start to expand and wanting to take over other aspects as well.

Someone wrote that whomever control her pussy, controls her mind and soul.
I can see the truth of that.

Click to expand...

The part in bold is soooo true -- First of all, I totally shut down if I feel like something is off. With my husband though, something else happens. Sometimes I am afraid to express my desire. And it's weird because he really knows me better than anyone else, so you would think that I would feel the most comfortable with him, right? I know I'm safe with him. I don't know why I do it other than perhaps it's difficult to express something that true. Something like that.

re: selfdefining

sweepthefloor said:

I am too powerful. I want to be weak.

Click to expand...

And by speaking so, you reveal your most basic weakness.

Bless

I love this thread and wanted to acknowledge all the wonderful contributors.

sweepthefloor said:

I am too powerful. I want to be weak.

Click to expand...

Why? Power is an exciting force to play with.

May I suggest that perhaps you are just having a hard time finding someone who is more powerful than you?

knot_sweet said:

I enjoy that your thoughts are written with clarity and feeling. Far be it for me to argue with you on your own thread, I chose the word 'strength' rather than 'power' deliberately.

For me, strength is an internal force that controls and supports self. On it's own it has no ability to exert influence on others. It can be given to or used by another in support of their power. Power is the ability to control or effect change externally. This is something I lack.

Of course, this is just my thought and no doubt there will be many who have other ideas. This is something I like alot about this forum.

Click to expand...

Please, argue with me! How else will we learn anything?

I don't perceive myself as independently as you, perhaps.

Strength and power are related to each other quite closely in my view, as in the relative strength or weakness of a given force indicates the nature of its "power."

I think of the kind of internal strength that you are referring to as "will," but it could also be a strength of "habit" as well.

Why is it that you feel you do not have power to control or effect change externally?

Maybe you aren't recognizing the power that you actually have, because you're seeking to change things that are - in fact - beyond your individual control.

intothewoods said:

Yeah my husband has zero interest in protocol. He wants me ready when the mood strikes him, but practically speaking, when you have kids in the house, it's best to do a little advance planning. And yet nothing turns my husband off more than when I try to engineer our sex life. So I don't.

I just remembered something -- there are times when I've just put the baby down and he wants to fuck right there and then. I have a real hard time with the transition from mommy-me to sexual-me, and a couple of times I have snapped, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? But the stupid thing is that I could quite easily say, honey, I need a few minutes, and he would most likely not mind a bit. I think I'm really just pissed by the situation -- I want to please everyone, you know? And I'm mad I can't do it, so I snap at him. But that's unfair and ridiculous. It's my communication issue.

There are other times though that there is no reason but I feel myself shutting down. Like I just don't want to allow myself a sexual response. I don't even know what it's about.

Click to expand...

Babies change things. Dramatically.

After our first child was born, I became the baby's slave. He's 16 now, and the two of them are still planting flags all over the territory that is me, trying to determine which one will rule the world.

rida said:

I realized at the root of the misunderstanding with the Sadist is my struggle with surrender.

I fear there is no coming back from surrender.
I fear that once I've surrendered completely, my identity, my person will cease to exist and matter, and I'll just become an object for his pleasure.

That is what he wants, and that is what I played at.

Last time I was put to task to prove if it was real or play.

I clung to myself as hard as I could with the consequences that it had.



And from there I got to thinking further and deeper.

I always had an inkling that my lack of sexual arousal and response to most sexual acts and activity since acknowledging my submissive nature, is a form of control I exercise unconsciously on my body.

But I did not realize how much it is related to my struggle with surrendering.

Unreleased control just stay dormant until it sees its chance and it slowly start to expand and wanting to take over other aspects as well.

Someone wrote that whomever control her pussy, controls her mind and soul.
I can see the truth of that.

Click to expand...

Yes.

intothewoods said:

I know I'm safe with him. I don't know why I do it other than perhaps it's difficult to express something that true. Something like that.

Click to expand...

It's true. I think it's a very vulnerable position to take.

For me, there's a feeling like I'm going to die. Or cease to exist, in some way, like rida suggested.

And I've discovered, though I don't live in this state perpetually, that it is possible to "cease to exist" and still keep moving, making sound, taking up space, in all ways "existing" except as an internal psychic structure.

And, if for some reason, I am startled or frightened in that state, it doesn't take long at all for me to grab onto some kind of idea, like a life preserver, and form myself around it.

Sometimes I have thought that what I want more than anything in the world is to live in that "ceasing to exist" place all the time. But it hasn't happened yet. Inevitably, something frightens me back into shape again.