LOST & NEED ADVICE for BDSM

Joined
Dec 3, 2014
Posts
2
I am a female who has recently only found out that the reason why I have never had an orgasm that often.... perhaps hardly ever.... is because I finally figured out I am into S&M. I was in a previously in a very conservative relationship that prohibited me trying out these things and currently with a new partner who is more liberal so to speak (i guess you would call vanilla from my google research) allowed me to express these desires that came intuitively.

I am at a conflict within my self, having on one hand desires and needs thatI feel are wrong, perverse and should be stamped out, may be a psychological disorder? to like or want to feeling pain to feel pleasure surely is not normal, plus I have no real out let to experience this so called S&M desire.

It has become an maladaptive desire mentally as I stressed,I want to get rid of it and no amount of exercise is working. I am not into hard core S&M but the more softer version, saying that I am not very sexually experienced so perhaps I am who knows. I feel like I am losing the plot a little, it a craving I just want out of my head, but cannot budge this compulsion.

My current bf cannot really fill my needs as he just too nice and I am to careful to just meet randoms and not that type of person, so I feel trapped. I am getting older and feel ashamed it took me thing long to figure it out and even more ashamed that I feel this way.

If I seek therapy surely I can fix this and don't need restraints, rough sex and pain to feel pleasure, I only have had a slight taste of it once and it felt amazing compared to all the other sex I have had (which was nice but not mind blowing).

I am not trying to say BDSM is wrong, I just feel there is something wrong with me feeling this way and I really don't know what to do. This is the first time I am seeking advice as there are not many support groups for this and I feel stupid to talk about it openly, knowing only to be judged by small minded individuals, rather than accepted.
 
To begin at the beginning, you are not alone. Not alone in your experience, not alone in your feelings, and not alone in your confusion.

I don't have any personal experience similar to yours, but I'm quite sure that several others who visit and post here regularly have had similar experiences and will be more than happy to offer some help based on their experience.

One step you might want to take is to search around the Library thread which is linked at the top of the main page of the BDSM forum here. There's a wealth of information there and you might even find some threads that discuss issues similar to yours.

All the best. :rose:
 
Last edited:
OMG, what a quandary for you! :(

Yes, you could put your needs aside if you can't change your belief. But around here we would ask you to look long and hard at your beliefs and think about jettisoning the ones that constrict your sexual happiness. it's your body, and no one else's. Your body doesn't belong to your father or mother, your children or your minister or your ex husband. It belongs to you alone.

Enjoying the sensations of pain is NOT, I repeat NOT, a mental disorder. It's just how your nerves work in your body. It's just one of those many genetic variations humans have, like blond hair or short stature or a propensity to athletic build.

Thinking you can force your body to change what it needs? It's like teaching a horse to sing. You might succeed but the horse will never sing well.

There's an essay in my signature that might be useful for you to read. And plenty of other people will be along to give you words of encouragement too.
 
And if it is a mental disorder, a mental illness, some sort of neurodivergence, then what does that change? Does someone who is mentally ill in a more mainstream way, like suffering from bipolar disorder for instance, not deserve happiness and sexual fulfillment because their brains just work differently than most other people? Or would an autistic person not deserve the same things because they interact with the world differently than someone who isn't autistic?

Diversity in brain wiring and body chemistry are amazing things, and they should be celebrated. If being hit makes you feel good, and no one is getting hurt in a bad way, why deprive yourself? How is that a moral wrong?

It's OK to be a little selfish. It's OK to take pleasure in yourself and your quirks. It's OK to have fun in bed and actually enjoy yourself instead of just going through the motions. It's OK to not care for what Cosmo and TV says you should want.

Trust me, if you can learn to let go and reconcile your beliefs with your own needs, life will be AMAZING and you'll find that you're a better, healthier person for it.
 
Dear cb,

You are most certainly not alone. I came to understand my needs with help from a caring dominant, but I can still fully understand your feelings of conflict and confusion. When you are raised in a conservative, "good girls don't" environment your feelings can be startling, disturbing and even frightening. It took me quite a while to fully come to terms with what my body was telling me.

Nobody can tell you what to do or how to handle your feelings. I will, however, mention that there is a thriving community out there and you would be welcomed for exactly who you are. The website fetlife.com has many active groups that might be helpful for figuring it all out.

Much luck on your journey. :rose:
 
thank you for all your advice

Hi to all those who have replied so far...

Thanks for all you information, links and advice, it really has been helpful/insightful and I don't feel as lost now. You have given me a lot to think about and actively research ... really thanks again.
 
Hi to all those who have replied so far...

Thanks for all you information, links and advice, it really has been helpful/insightful and I don't feel as lost now. You have given me a lot to think about and actively research ... really thanks again.

Good luck and don't be afraid to talk more about it here on Lit if you need to :rose:
 
ConfusedBemused, you write in your fist post that
"My current bf cannot really fill my needs as he just too nice "...

There is an entire thread on this forum devoted to the subject of kindness in BDSM activities, and how kindness and consideration go hand-in-hand (or handcuff-in-handcuff) with BDSM-related activities, and I would argue that you are far better off with a nice-guy dom, who happens to be new to the game than an unkind - or even abusive - dom who may have tons of experience but puts his own needs first and cares little about yours.

If you have a wonderful partner who is willing - or maybe even interested - in exploring the world of BDSM together with you at some level, that is a great start, but don't expect him to jump into the role of insta-master at the flick of a flogger. He's probably just as confused as you are, and succesful topping can actually be surprisingly hard work.

Others might disagree with me on this one, but my advice is that you
take your time and play a lot, explore a lot, laugh a lot and enjoy the journey together, rather than rushing towards an end goal neither of you are ready for just yet.
 
ConfusedBemused, you write in your fist post that
"My current bf cannot really fill my needs as he just too nice "...

There is an entire thread on this forum devoted to the subject of kindness in BDSM activities, and how kindness and consideration go hand-in-hand (or handcuff-in-handcuff) with BDSM-related activities, and I would argue that you are far better off with a nice-guy dom, who happens to be new to the game than an unkind - or even abusive - dom who may have tons of experience but puts his own needs first and cares little about yours.

If you have a wonderful partner who is willing - or maybe even interested - in exploring the world of BDSM together with you at some level, that is a great start, but don't expect him to jump into the role of insta-master at the flick of a flogger. He's probably just as confused as you are, and succesful topping can actually be surprisingly hard work.

Others might disagree with me on this one, but my advice is that you
take your time and play a lot, explore a lot, laugh a lot and enjoy the journey together, rather than rushing towards an end goal neither of you are ready for just yet.

Hi, agree with all that has gone before, and would just encourage slow, slow and slow. You both need to work out what makes each of you tick, and what out of all those naughty things that actually makes you both tickeven louder!!

I have known some move outside the home to try the bits they think or know the partner will not go with. Works for a while but really, it's better to live within your means air change your 'means'. The latter seems a big way off.

As everyone here says, what you are is normally sexually healthy and interested, and it's not wrong to try and play with sensations. I experiment in many ways with varying success, and some criticism from some who don't understand. Their problem, not mine and the same applies to you! Go for it and have fun!
 
interestingly enough, at the age of 37 I meet a woman who has a very similar story to yours. She had never had the opportunity or the trust with a man to express some of what I'll simply describe as kink. I have always been the gentleman type with only a splash of "bad boy" and had next to zero experience with anything beyond lengthy fuck sessions in multiple positions with very light bondage and physical roughness thrown in. But as our trust grew and we fell in love she got more comfortable and expressed nearly exactly the same concerns and interests you have. Now, two years later we are rolling strong and exploring more and more. She has opened my eyes to how dominant I actually am by nature and she has embraced her submissive side.

There is no shame in what you want or desire. You're a consenting adult who enjoys what some folks perceive as outside the norm. As long as you're being honest and safe I'd suggest just take it slow and you'd be surprised where it will lead. And truthfully, I think that while some may front and express displeasure with our choices, the secretly crave and desire exactly what we have.


-EandE
 
I have read that over half of people at minimum fantasize about some aspects of BDSM. What you do in your bedroom is yours and your partner's choice. Maybe some really uninhibited sex will help you get over guilt that isn't doing anything for you. I dealt with this years ago. I am so much happier and free now that I just express myself and my Mistress' wishes.
 
Back
Top