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Major truths about men and women


Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dumbo and Big John.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a
small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his
tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man
rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice
the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the
surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them
into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give
you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.
 
These are good, some funny, some sad.

Grandparents!!

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond... I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied.. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
 
Ppl are so obsessed with dick-size.
For example---

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These are good, some funny, some sad.

Grandparents!!

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond... I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied.. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

I enjoyed reading this :D
 
My Grandma suffered a massive seizure yesterday. I didn’t know she could even LIFT that much Heroin.

A puppy born without an anus is taken to the vet. “Can you help?” The Vet replies, “I’ll give it a crack.”

I like to win at cards, which is why I only play Snap with stutterers.

Which Sith Lord always crosses rivers at their shallowest point? Darth Wader.

My girlfriend wants to retrain as a steamroller driver. I’m not going to stand in her way.

When I was younger I used to collect Panini stickers. I had them all except the ham and cheese melt.

Gary Lineker described England’s last match as a game of two halves. Personally, I found it a game of eight pints

I’ve got this mate who keep putting laxatives in my drinks. With friends like that, who needs enemas.

A necrophiliac was caught trying to dispose of the evidence to passing strangers. It was a dead giveaway.

People who say “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, have clearly never arm-wrestled a stroke victim.

My Dad is an Imperialist. He hates people who still use feet and inches.

My girlfriend suggested using toys in the bedroom, the sex is still rubbish, but now I’m much better at Scalextric.

When it says test your smoke alarm regularly, they don’t mean with a series of small domestic fires. Firemen don’t like that.

My nephew wants a pirate outfit for Xmas. He can dress up all he likes, he’s never going to look Somalian.

A man in a big car is said to be making up for a tiny penis, so what should we make of a woman driving a Mini?

A guy was interested in my car. I told him it did 100 mpg and never broke down. He didn’t buy it.

Being fat sounds so negative. I prefer to look at it positively, being immune to Anorexia.

Why say “turn a blind eye”? Surely it’s the GOOD eye you should turn. The blind one can look wherever it wants.
 
From a a pal of mine:-

"Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into
McDonald's and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger.

It's the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not
the clown."
 
Canadian Siamese Twins



Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a barstool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country . . . the history, the beer, the culture.'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers and Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
 
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man
of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
 
Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm based in Detroit.

A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Tyrone and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the white guy the job."

Tyrone , "What 'cho mean, why you be doing that, you be racist? We both got 19 questions right? This is Detroit and I be Black, I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Tyrone said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don't know.'"

You put down, Neither do I."
 
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. - Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do.you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. - Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. - Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K Jerome
 
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man
of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

LOL, thats funny :D
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you dont follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Dont burden him with chores. Dont discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said youre going to die," she replied.
 
"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response,

She repeated, "Hello?"

The voice said, "Ill bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered.

"Scheesch! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hellos?"
:eek:
 
This was sent to me last night. Good Stuff.
DG

Wise Sayings

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>


Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it...

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>


And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
 
NOW THIS IS GOOD!
DG

A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you?

The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, its all in my head and I want you to lower it.
:)
 
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, We didn't have the green thing back in my day.

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300- horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts, wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything
for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then..

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the street-car or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
 
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didnt want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."
 
An Oldie but I always liked it.
DG

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what shes talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.

The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart. "What was that for?" he asks.

"Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, " If you think Im sticking around for 67 more of those, youre crazy!
:)
 
Have a few retirement humor to post.
DG

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
 
SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
 
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
 
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