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Bi Doms/Dommes: Do you treat male and female subs differently?

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SweetGrey

Virgin
Joined
May 22, 2014
Posts
22
As a bi domme, I keep running into something interesting, and I was wondering if I was the only one.

I notice that I am less willing to dominate a female as fiercely as I dominate a male. Males get much harsher language, heavier beatings, painful peggings. I am softer and gentler with the females, and that includes the level of desire I have to be forceful. I tend to be more playful, hit less hard, and not use as many words that people would consider pejoratives if used in day to day conversation. I have zero problems verbally degrading a male sub in the same way. The scenarios and play are all just as interesting, just less forceful or degrading with females.

This is not to be confused with treating men and women differently; any sub I've ever had who is a gender variant has been treated as their sex and not their gender. What I mean by that is that, if I have a male sub who identifies as feminine or as a woman, I have no problem hitting hard, but if I have a female sub who identifies as masculine or male, I seem to hold back.

Physical size or build of the sub doesn't seem to be involved in the equation, just the sex.
 
Interesting...I'm interested in the 'why?' Looking forward to some insights from fellow contributors ...
 
I treat every sub differently, because every sub is an individual with individual needs and limits. I know girls that require gentle affections, and girls that can take a beating that would make a lot of people faint. I also know men who require gentle affections, and men who can take a beating that would make a lot of people faint.

I don't really treat anyone differently based on sex or gender, I guess because such things just don't concern me; but I'm always mindful of individual differences. Everybody is different, in one way or another.
 
SweetGrey said:
Physical size or build of the sub doesn't seem to be involved in the equation, just the sex.
Click to expand...

So basically penises = rough and mean, and vaginas = soft and tender?

What if you don't know what's in their pants? What if they've had bottom surgery? Do cheek dimples inspire you to recite the national anthem? Third nipples to submit?

I don't get why a singular body part would warrant one type of treatment vs another.
 
I find that many men really need soft and gentle, and many women really need hard and harsh. or, for some the other way around. And this is true of trans people as well as cis.
It's an assumption that's worth examining, IMO, so congratulations on making that start!
 
free_and_easy said:
Interesting...I'm interested in the 'why?' Looking forward to some insights from fellow contributors ...
Click to expand...

I'm pretty certain I have the "why" for me, but it's quite personal, and I was interested to see if others experienced the some phenomenon. You know, before just emotionally vomiting all over the forum. ;)

I'm looking forward to insights, too.
 
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I'm sort of similar, except my tendency to be nice to girls and mean to boys has to do with how you flag gender wise. Also, I can get over my own tendencies with the right person, to have the scene be awesome, that's more important than staying in my comfort zones!

So I have to push to be mean to a "sissy" even if she's irritating as fuck, but I will gleefully drag a boi through the same filth I'd do to a gender guy. Even if I kind of morph in my own mind into a hairy Tom of Finland Daddy the minute he coaxes it out in me.

In my case it doesn't have to do with how much I think a girl can take (as masochists, let's face it, we're better at it) but the fact that my sexualized perversion-time worldview is one where girls rule. One where girls and bitchy queens are always on top. The minute a boy comes into the room, even the nastiest slut slave girl is suddenly princess in relation to him.

If a boy really needs major nurturing and sweetness, outside of a few specialized kind of kink areas, I'm not the right one for him.
 
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thelovingsadist said:
I treat every sub differently, because every sub is an individual with individual needs and limits. I know girls that require gentle affections, and girls that can take a beating that would make a lot of people faint. I also know men who require gentle affections, and men who can take a beating that would make a lot of people faint.

I don't really treat anyone differently based on sex or gender, I guess because such things just don't concern me; but I'm always mindful of individual differences. Everybody is different, in one way or another.
Click to expand...

Of course there are individual differences; I have experienced a similar gamut. I'm talking about generalities, checking to see if this is common, just so I can find out a way to repair it if it's actually a problem. :) It might not be. But it might indicate something that needs to be handled on my end. :)
 
I make a bit of difference too, I tend to be more forgiving and protective with women in general. But that doesnt depend so much on body parts, more on what they define themselves.
So in example, I would act toward Stella as toward a man, even tho I say "she".

As for those who are gender vague or fluid or whatever variables but "male and female" there are, I am not really attracted to such people sexually, so that would be a moot point for me.

Edited to say: Just saw a post above and I guess I am like Netzach.
 
Stella_Omega said:
I find that many men really need soft and gentle, and many women really need hard and harsh. or, for some the other way around. And this is true of trans people as well as cis.
It's an assumption that's worth examining, IMO, so congratulations on making that start!
Click to expand...

Thank you for the encouragement! I was really hesitant to post this, but I can't ignore what I'm seeing.

As I mentioned a couple posts up, I am fairly certain that I know where this is coming from, but I just needed to see if this cropped up for others. I am extremely invested in making certain that I do not mentally/emotionally fuck up a sub with my own hangups, and I think I might have encountered a potentially nasty one.

It has little to do with what the sub needs and everything to do with what I'm willing to give; And while we all have limits we must negotiate in every relationship, I'm just seeing a pattern on my part, and wondering if I need to address something to grow into a better Domme and a better person.

I am certain of one thing: it's not misandrist in nature. I think it's about being afraid to truly harm females in the way history has done so often.

I look forward to everyone's thoughts!
 
Netzach said:
I'm sort of similar, except my tendency to be nice to girls and mean to boys has to do with how you flag gender wise. Also, I can get over my own tendencies with the right person, to have the scene be awesome, that's more important than staying in my comfort zones!
Click to expand...

Ok, that's helpful, thank you. :) I didn't realize that I might have a comfort zone issue, which is why I decided to post here. It seems very odd, but given where I'm coming from, perhaps not.

Netzach said:
So I have to push to be mean to a "sissy" even if she's irritating as fuck, but I will gleefully drag a boi through the same filth I'd do to a gender guy. Even if I kind of morph in my own mind into a hairy Tom of Finland Daddy the minute he coaxes it out in me.
Click to expand...

Here's my M.O.: I will beat a "sissy" just as hard as a "hairy Tom of Finland" (LOLing at that, by the way) but I don't give one damn if a "boi" can take a 9 beating just like Tom or the sissy; the boi gets topped out at a 7 maybe.

Hmmm, I wonder if leaving the sub dressed would circumvent this issue... That's a thought.

Netzach said:
In my case it doesn't have to do with how much I think a girl can take (as masochists, let's face it, we're better at it) but the fact that my sexualized perversion-time worldview is one where girls rule. One where girls and bitchy queens are always on top.
Click to expand...

Oh, yes we are better at it! I know that all too well.

Netzach said:
The minute a boy comes into the room, even the nastiest slut slave girl is suddenly princess in relation to him.
Click to expand...

YES. This is so incredibly accurate!

Netzach said:
If a boy really needs major nurturing and sweetness, outside of a few specialized kind of kink areas, I'm not the right one for him.
Click to expand...

Oh, see, now you're making me think! Thank you!

All my subs get the same level of sweetness, aftercare, etc. I am a very loving master, and can't imagine not cherishing a sub. No matter sex or gender or variance, the tenderness I offer is the same.

Would you mind horribly if I PMed you? I think you might be able to see what I can't, or else tell me if I'm off base.
 
StrayKat said:
I make a bit of difference too, I tend to be more forgiving and protective with women in general. But that doesnt depend so much on body parts, more on what they define themselves.
So in example, I would act toward Stella as toward a man, even tho I say "she".

As for those who are gender vague or fluid or whatever variables but "male and female" there are, I am not really attracted to such people sexually, so that would be a moot point for me.

Edited to say: Just saw a post above and I guess I am like Netzach.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your input!

I'm sensing something that must be rooted out.

Personally, I adore gender fluid types, and any sort of androgyny I find attractive. But I like non-gender variants as well! :) I tend to be attracted to personalities in subs, interesting brains and the like.
 
SweetGrey said:
That's what I'm trying to decipher. If this is uncommon, then I have work to do, don't I? :)
Click to expand...

I honestly dunno, seeing as how I've only ever played with one person, my hubs, and he's always careful to treat me in accordance with my gender. I'm also not a d-type, so all of this about what folks might unknowingly or unspokenly "need" and reading people and playing with different genders goes over my head.

I just know that if a AFAB person on T wants you to hit 'em like you would a man, you should probably do that. ;)
 
This is politically incorrect, but it does have its roots in misandry for me. And all kinds of toxic stuff. Sexism. All of it. And I have no problem with the idea that BDSM is a safe neutral zone for people to work their shit out on one another and have cookies and cocoa and no hard feelings when we're all done.

That's why I'm a stickler for *real* communication, and also real listening as part of that communication. I think that a Dominant or Top needs to put the ingredients on the tin and not have a shit fit if someone doesn't want to play with you based on it. And I think a submissive is responsible for believing what's stated on the can and not thinking "no, there can't be allergens in THIS hottie!"
 
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When it comes to kink, someone's gender identity has nothing to do with how I treat them. I judge them individually as people. Might slightly be a pansexual thing, I don't consider gender much when I'm getting intimate with someone to begin with.

So sure, I treat people differently. But my significant other likes her back scratched bloody so that's what happens. I'd have trouble with women being all delicate flower.
 
Stella_Omega said:
It's extremely common, actually. But your work is yours to do, not predicated on commonality. :rose:
Click to expand...

I'm relieved that it's common, I suppose. Maybe just that I'm not alone. Maybe that advice is available, and the like.

And that is a fair point! :)

I'm not seeing this as a "problem", rather as something that I would need to tell potential subs. The women might need something more than what I offer, and it's unfair to just expect them to stick around while I work my stuff out. Some might be willing to help, but I cannot just demand that.

The "work" is deciding what I can or can't do, how to propose tackling it, if I WANT to tackle it, whether this means I need additional assistance with life-long issues, etc.

Thank you for your response, again. You've been helpful!
 
Netzach said:
This is politically incorrect, but it does have its roots in misandry for me. And all kinds of toxic stuff. Sexism. All of it.
Click to expand...

I think that's fantastic that you're willing to be truthful, despite the political incorrectness! I shall clarify: This is not rooted in misandry for me that I am willing to hit men harder, rather that someone severely abusive to me was female, and I am finding that I am reluctant to be like this woman. That is to say I do not wish to cross the line of being a woman abusing another woman, especially since women are carrying enough weight with that already. It is possible that I do not trust myself to not break that barrier, so I need to explore this.

Netzach said:
And I have no problem with the idea that BDSM is a safe neutral zone for people to work their shit out on one another and have cookies and cocoa and no hard feelings when we're all done.
Click to expand...

I actually love that idea, this all just means I have to organize my shit so it's on the table for working out. A sub need to be able to opt out if needed.

Netzach said:
That's why I'm a stickler for *real* communication, and also real listening as part of that communication. I think that a Dominant or Top needs to put the ingredients on the tin and not have a shit fit if someone doesn't want to play with you based on it. And I think a submissive is responsible for believing what's stated on the can and not thinking "no, there can't be allergens in THIS hottie!"
Click to expand...

I'm going to digest this a while and make certain I'm doing this. I'm not the newest of Dommes, but I also know I'm new enough that I still have a huge amount to learn. Thank you for your assistance! :rose:
 
For Sir and I, we would just assume that we have women to play with, but as it turns out the people we play with are M/F couples, go figure. Yes, they get treated differently.

In my case I get pleasure from hurting other women and I want them to enjoy the pain. With the boys I feel it is obligatory and perfunctory on my part. But from the side of one of the couples we play with he thrives on my dismissive attitude. The other boy doesn't seek much interaction with me and we get along quite well.

Sir likes to hurt and humiliate the women, with the boys he tends to just humiliate them, for the most part.
 
SweetGrey said:
I think that's fantastic that you're willing to be truthful, despite the political incorrectness! I shall clarify: This is not rooted in misandry for me that I am willing to hit men harder, rather that someone severely abusive to me was female, and I am finding that I am reluctant to be like this woman. That is to say I do not wish to cross the line of being a woman abusing another woman, especially since women are carrying enough weight with that already. It is possible that I do not trust myself to not break that barrier, so I need to explore this.



I actually love that idea, this all just means I have to organize my shit so it's on the table for working out. A sub need to be able to opt out if needed.



I'm going to digest this a while and make certain I'm doing this. I'm not the newest of Dommes, but I also know I'm new enough that I still have a huge amount to learn. Thank you for your assistance! :rose:
Click to expand...

Oh yeah, the women in my family could be pieces of work and the guys were classic passive. I guess I just spend so much time fighting that destiny outside recreation hour, I like to say "eh, fuck it."
 
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