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Aggressive vs. passive subs; which do you prefer?

Freya_Gin

Freya_Gin

Really Experienced
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Posts
223
Hi, all. I haven't been around much lately, I know. Sorry about that. Anyway...

He sits nude at my feet, my chain fastened to his collar. I haven't told him to do anything yet. I don't really need to. He kisses my feet and then works his way up to my thighs, higher and higher. I watch, trembling just a little, as his tongue traces a path upward, followed by the caress of his lips. He seldom lowers his eyes; his expression conveys his desires as he watches my face for cues. I raise my skirt, his tongue comes out and he gives me one last ardent look before he dives in.

I find that I prefer aggressive subs. I've encountered what I consider truly passive subs, those who don't initiate anything, never ask for anything, never even want a conversation, always keep their eyes lowered, etc., in the past. I don't mean to be at all critical; I'm well aware that they are exactly what dom/mes want.

But that isn't to my taste. By "aggressive subs" I don't mean topping from the bottom either. I mean someone I can talk to and maybe even lean on a bit outside of our D/s dynamic, someone who asks for what he wants (still respectfully, of course) and lets me know that he wants me. I like it when my sub initiates a scene for exactly that reason, I guess; it makes me feel wanted (as long as his behavior doesn't just show that he wants a domme and I'll do).

Thoughts? I'm interested in what other kinksters think about this.

Edit: I said "he" throughout this post but it could easily mean "she." I'm bi both sexually and kink-wise.
 
Last edited:
Freya_Gin said:
Hi, all. I haven't been around much lately, I know. Sorry about that. Anyway...

He sits nude at my feet, my chain fastened to his collar. I haven't told him to do anything yet. I don't really need to. He kisses my feet and then works his way up to my thighs, higher and higher. I watch, trembling just a little, as his tongue traces a path upward, followed by the caress of his lips. He seldom lowers his eyes; his expression conveys his desires as he watches my face for cues. I raise my skirt, his tongue comes out and he gives me one last ardent look before he dives in.

I find that I prefer aggressive subs. I've encountered what I consider truly passive subs, those who don't initiate anything, never ask for anything, never even want a conversation, always keep their eyes lowered, etc., in the past. I don't mean to be at all critical; I'm well aware that they are exactly what dom/mes want.

But that isn't to my taste. By "aggressive subs" I don't mean topping from the bottom either. I mean someone I can talk to and maybe even lean on a bit outside of our D/s dynamic, someone who asks for what he wants (still respectfully, of course) and lets me know that he wants me. I like it when my sub initiates a scene for exactly that reason, I guess; it makes me feel wanted (as long as his behavior doesn't just show that he wants a domme and I'll do).

Thoughts? I'm interested in what other kinksters think about this.

Edit: I said "he" throughout this post but it could easily mean "she." I'm bi both sexually and kink-wise.
Click to expand...

Well not ALL doms want what you describe. We all have what makes a compatible partner for us, and it's different for everyone. Your description of what doms want sound a lot like what one reads in erotica
 
I also don't think it's either/or. I'm neither entirely passive, nor super aggressive. I'm a person who happens to want my partner in charge. A person a cepting someone's authority doesn't have to be passive, and many aren't.
 
The passive sub, in my opinion, is boring as hell depending on the extent of passiveness. Just my two cents.
 
As a bottom / sub, being a passive doormatty chick for a weekend can be fun. It gets a little mind-numbing, though, to be told when to sit, speak, pee.

I have met new folks finding their way and it does seem like when they think of themselves as submissive, they take on that passive role because, as SpunThings mentioned, it's what they've read or seen or think they should be.

I do think, too, it depends if it's just a singular scene or if it's an on-going connection. I'm not as aggressive (not sure that's the right word) or opinionated with the single scene. I'll negotiate the scene, I'll give feedback as we go but I'm not all chatty about it.

Within a relationship, I just want to have a regular 'ole friendship on top of all the D/s stuff. You say you like it when your sub initiates a scene, you enjoy the idea you can lean on him at times. All of this stuff just happens with time and communication, right? You work out how the relationship looks.
 
Answering as a switch.

I personally prefer submissives who make me fight for that submission. Who challenge me and aren't afraid to 'push back', but are still willing to obey in the end. The idea of someone just metaphorically rolling over without any resistance bores me.
 
Freya_Gin said:
But that isn't to my taste. By "aggressive subs" I don't mean topping from the bottom either. I mean someone I can talk to and maybe even lean on a bit outside of our D/s dynamic, someone who asks for what he wants (still respectfully, of course) and lets me know that he wants me. I like it when my sub initiates a scene for exactly that reason, I guess; it makes me feel wanted (as long as his behavior doesn't just show that he wants a domme and I'll do).

Thoughts? I'm interested in what other kinksters think about this.
Click to expand...

I don't see that as being an "aggressive sub"; that sounds like a normal relationship with healthy communication. :confused:

90-95% of the time I don't initiate sex, but my partner has no doubts how desired he is. I remind him of it every day we're apart, and we are constantly touching when we're together. If I want "X" (sexually), I'll let him know, but it's up to him to decide if we do "X" or not, because dominant. If he wants "Y", he gets it, because dominant. If I have concerns or whatever about "Y" I voice them, but he still gets to make the final decision, because dominant.
 
Why do we have to choose just one?

I like variety at times, and I also like consistency. Sometimes, I want someone I can use to my exactly specifications, without having to go through a lot of explanation and direction. Other times, I like to have a back and forth with someone who is a little bratty, for the sake of building the energy and having a bit of a different kind of fore play (or sometimes the battle is the main event).

I tend to enjoy subservience in the bedroom. But some of the best sex I've had has been with women who are quite aggressive, so I suppose the old adage that "variety is the spice of life" has at least a bit of merit for me.
 
Hm, this is an interesting topic. I guess I would fall in the middle? I'm very submissive, obedient, sometimes playing the baby girl thing (not always). But I'm not a doormat, or a mindless doll. I believe it's very important to discuss with a Dom what we both want, our limits, etc. And then during play, to engage with each other. He/She can ask questions as much as giving commands.

BUT, a lot of guys on the chat seem to want a girl they can move like an actual doll, who hardly speaks, and just takes whatever they dish out. I think many of them simply take ideas from porn, and aren't understanding the depth of D/s. It's about much more than just rough sex. Sometimes, there isn't even sex.
 
hourglass_nikki_ts said:
Hm, this is an interesting topic. I guess I would fall in the middle? I'm very submissive, obedient, sometimes playing the baby girl thing (not always). But I'm not a doormat, or a mindless doll. I believe it's very important to discuss with a Dom what we both want, our limits, etc. And then during play, to engage with each other. He/She can ask questions as much as giving commands.

BUT, a lot of guys on the chat seem to want a girl they can move like an actual doll, who hardly speaks, and just takes whatever they dish out. I think many of them simply take ideas from porn, and aren't understanding the depth of D/s. It's about much more than just rough sex. Sometimes, there isn't even sex.
Click to expand...

I think you're right. Some people think submissive equals easy lay.
 
I agree with many of the people above, that most ideas of submission are held because of what people have perceived in porn. As a switch, and I guess I could be considered a "switch" in my submission because there have been times where I have done things my Dominant partner liked without being asked, and there are times where I will do nothing until my Dominant asks. Keeping things spiced up and exciting. Some of my submissive partners have expressed to me that they don't like asking for things they want or expressing how they feel because that's just not how "submissives are supposed to be". It's a shitty view but I can see where it's coming from (MEDIA!!). I want my partners to have as much fun as I am, and I like to believe there is as much power in submission as there is in dominance.

:)
 
"Passive male" was the term i first encountered when i found out that there were other people like me. i didn't know about the 'submissive' label for years, though it's a little more accurate. i do tend to think passivity feels right. But part of that is just that i don't like admitting what i want (something that used to drive Her crazy, so She made forcing me to admit my desires part of submitting).

Maybe 'assertive' rather than aggressive is what you were getting at, though? i've learned to assert myself more than i'd theoretically want to in some ideal fantasy, in order to be a better sub for Her, and just a more contributing/worthwhile partner, in general.

But, ironically, it's not what i want. If that makes any sense.
 
I think I prefer the word spirited or strong willed subs more than aggressive. But do prefer those types, just seem to have personality.
 
I am not aggressive, but Sir would find me boring if I didn't have a strong will. He knows exactly what buttons to push to illicit a certain response for me, and He does it because we both enjoy I won't say confrontation, but perhaps conflict, to keep the edge in our relationship.

Since I have gotten into martial arts we do a lot of sparring , which I absolutely love, but since he weighs twice as much as me (muscular build), is 8" taller, has a huge reach advantage and he is a much more advanced fighter he could knock me out at will. But since he wants me to get better and be able to defend myself I can go full force. If he gets cocky and lets his guard down, I attack. I have broken his nose and given him a concussion (he denies it) with a beautiful kick to his left ear. So I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say if I was a doormat, He would have lost interest in me a long time ago.

On the other hand, He did something that I really, really, really didn't want him to do and I was so mad that I lashed out in a completely inappropriate manner. That caused some damage to our relationship and it was my fault. You have to assess your relationship and behave accordingly. In my opinion, a "good" Dom, doesn't want a weak or timid woman.
 
malefica said:
Answering as a switch.

I personally prefer submissives who make me fight for that submission. Who challenge me and aren't afraid to 'push back', but are still willing to obey in the end. The idea of someone just metaphorically rolling over without any resistance bores me.
Click to expand...

Answering as a Dom...

This. Totally this.
 
I couldn't be with someone who wants a little push back (play aside) because if I'm actually resisting, I will win. My submission happens because I will it to be so.

Regarding play, I'm totally up for resistance play, and taunting, and stuff like that. However, I'll stop immediately if told to "roll over" and do so. If I don't decide to roll over, no amount of trying to dominate me will convince me. I don't understand the dynamic of having to feel like you've been forced to do something you inwardly want to consent to. I'm not saying it's wrong, it just makes no sense to me. If I feel like my will is being pushed, there will no longer be consent.
 
malefica said:
Answering as a switch.

I personally prefer submissives who make me fight for that submission. Who challenge me and aren't afraid to 'push back', but are still willing to obey in the end. The idea of someone just metaphorically rolling over without any resistance bores me.
Click to expand...

I occasionally chat with a sub like this. He was just like that today, in fact. "I won't do *that*," he said. "You're a bitch for ever making me do that and I won't do it again." But he was practically begging me to let him do *that* before we were done. Ha!

And sorry I haven't come back to discuss this further, folks. I forgot that I'd ever started this thread. I'm bad about doing that.

Possibly "aggressive" wasn't the right word to describe what I meant but I couldn't think of a better one. It's a turn-on for me when my sub takes the initiative in his submission to me, who does submissive things for me while he looks at me for approval like I described above. But I've run into more than one "doormatty" sub in my time and it seems that some dominants prefer them. I'd begun to wonder if I was just odd (I really am in a lot of ways so it wouldn't be a shock).
 
malefica said:
Answering as a switch.

I personally prefer submissives who make me fight for that submission. Who challenge me and aren't afraid to 'push back', but are still willing to obey in the end. The idea of someone just metaphorically rolling over without any resistance bores me.
Click to expand...

I'm the same. But I never really dug the idea of always being one or the other. So that may be part of me. I love feeling like I've earned it. I also like someone who will take the initiative in either role. A sub that wants nothing more than to please you and will take independent action to do so is a wonderful thing
 
Kim_Burly said:
I am not aggressive, but Sir would find me boring if I didn't have a strong will. He knows exactly what buttons to push to illicit a certain response for me, and He does it because we both enjoy I won't say confrontation, but perhaps conflict, to keep the edge in our relationship.

Since I have gotten into martial arts we do a lot of sparring , which I absolutely love, but since he weighs twice as much as me (muscular build), is 8" taller, has a huge reach advantage and he is a much more advanced fighter he could knock me out at will. But since he wants me to get better and be able to defend myself I can go full force. If he gets cocky and lets his guard down, I attack. I have broken his nose and given him a concussion (he denies it) with a beautiful kick to his left ear. So I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say if I was a doormat, He would have lost interest in me a long time ago.

On the other hand, He did something that I really, really, really didn't want him to do and I was so mad that I lashed out in a completely inappropriate manner. That caused some damage to our relationship and it was my fault. You have to assess your relationship and behave accordingly. In my opinion, a "good" Dom, doesn't want a weak or timid woman.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry I was a bitch there. I, of all people, should be happy for everyone that finds happiness, in whatever form that takes.
 
hourglass_nikki_ts said:
Hm, this is an interesting topic. I guess I would fall in the middle? I'm very submissive, obedient, sometimes playing the baby girl thing (not always). But I'm not a doormat, or a mindless doll. I believe it's very important to discuss with a Dom what we both want, our limits, etc. And then during play, to engage with each other. He/She can ask questions as much as giving commands.

BUT, a lot of guys on the chat seem to want a girl they can move like an actual doll, who hardly speaks, and just takes whatever they dish out. I think many of them simply take ideas from porn, and aren't understanding the depth of D/s. It's about much more than just rough sex. Sometimes, there isn't even sex.
Click to expand...
I am passive sub, but sometimes I act aggressive. And my hubby also likes me to be aggressive sometimes. He punishes me more hard that time.
 
I pretty much go with the flow and my moods. Sometimes I love being fully dominated, used, and humiliated. Other time want my playmates bending to my will, servicing me and doing my bidding. And the rest of the time I need straight out aggressive fucking, fluids flowing in and out, holes bein well used and filled.

I've never been much for the trembling dog sensation however. Not saying I'm not into whips and chains, binds, blindfolds, and gags and more.:devil:
 
fatbottomgirl78 said:
I pretty much go with the flow and my moods. Sometimes I love being fully dominated, used, and humiliated. Other time want my playmates bending to my will, servicing me and doing my bidding. And the rest of the time I need straight out aggressive fucking, fluids flowing in and out, holes bein well used and filled.

I've never been much for the trembling dog sensation however. Not saying I'm not into whips and chains, binds, blindfolds, and gags and more.:devil:
Click to expand...

very nice way of putting it lol
do you use any floggers or paddles
 
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