Brand new author, would like (gentle) constructive criticism.

Hi everyone, my first-ever story is here and I'd love some feedback, so long as it is gentle!

http://www.literotica.com/s/fist-time-for-everything

This true story is about the first time that I was ever fisted (actually, the first 3 times), which even still sounds very off-putting, but fisting isn't really as bad as it sounds, I promise!
Thanks in advance!
-Vanessa

Its not a story its a report. You must be a social worker.

Looks like a really good read of what I did read, certainly got me going. I'll have a full read later.

Keep going and ignore jbj.

Thank you LLI

Yes, ignore jbj, but listen carefully to others who have genuine concerns. The slangy tone (so many 'just's, etc,) detracts from the story. How much better to have your protagonist be more sedate and educated, yet love being fisted.

The sudden switch to present tense in fourth graph must go, It feels very awkward. In general your use of language needs improvement. Get an editor for grammar and style.

Most of all: Never NEVER, introduce a story by saying it is a true story. Never tell a true story. And absolutely never apologize for a story before your reader gets to it. ""It's not so bad really."

This is porn! One is supposed to love it! Also in the story itself, your protagonist seems submissive to a degree, will apparently allow anything, but doesn't sound very thrilled by any of it, ho-hum. Make your characters real, let them love what they do and ask for more. Describe in detail what they hear, see, smell, taste, feel. But don't try to but into words what you personally felt. Make it up! That's what writing is.

Be bold and daring, let your characters run free to do as they wish. Then slash about 1/3 of the words, leaving only what is essential to tell the story the way you wish. When the action comes, shorten your sentences and give them higher impact.

Last, read everything at least twice after it is completed, searching for errors, yes, but also getting a feel for the way your story sounds and feels to others.

JBJ was right in one way. Strive to make the story 'true-to-life' fiction, not a newspaper story about something that happened.

Its OK with me if she wants to be one more lame also-ran at LIT. Its what folks do best here, come limping in after the winners are back in the stable.

You do need to watch your verb tense. You told it mostly in present tense but drifted into past and then back again. That's confusing for a reader -- you start to wonder if you missed anything.

It crossed my mind that you could play up the fact that they are in an office setting and hence running the risk of discovery or interruption. There could be a knock on the door, a phone call, something like that. It strikes me that this risk is what makes the encounter erotic for both the characters and the readers.

Thank you!

Thank you robertreams and PennLady for your constructive, and gentle, criticism. I will definitely apply what you said to edit my own version of the story, and also apply it to future stories as well.

My real story definitely doesn't have a warning, but a lot of women are immediately turned off by fisting and I didn't want to deter anyone from reading. Also, the tense gave me trouble, so I really appreciate your input on that!

And JAMESBJOHNSON, you may want to look up the definition of constructive criticism. Your opinion of not liking it, while valid, is useless to me as a writer, without explaining why you've formed that opinion. This is a story feedback thread and I clearly requested constructive criticism. If you don't have any, go elsewhere to be negative.

VanessaNelson said:

Thank you robertreams and PennLady for your constructive, and gentle, criticism. I will definitely apply what you said to edit my own version of the story, and also apply it to future stories as well.

My real story definitely doesn't have a warning, but a lot of women are immediately turned off by fisting and I didn't want to deter anyone from reading. Also, the tense gave me trouble, so I really appreciate your input on that!

And JAMESBJOHNSON, you may want to look up the definition of constructive criticism. Your opinion of not liking it, while valid, is useless to me as a writer, without explaining why you've formed that opinion. This is a story feedback thread and I clearly requested constructive criticism. If you don't have any, go elsewhere to be negative.

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I know, you wanted a back pat and a high 5. But the goddamned thing is a report NOT a story. Start there: Learn what a story is and learn what a report is. Or add DEAR DIARY at the beginning.

You still don't get it JBJ. You don't write critiques; you drop unexplained one liners--often just to denigrate. If you think this is a report rather than a story, explain why you think so--specificially, with this work. Don't just tell the author to go look anything up. You obviously don't explain why it's a report rather than a story (and, even if so, why that can't be legitimate form of erotica work) because you don't yourself have a clue what you're talking about.

I have yet to see a real story critique from you and yet some authors seem still to salivate after your approval (or at least to escape your unsupported denigration).

You mean to say he actually thinks he's helping? And here I was thinking he was just another brainless troll out for a giggle at the expense of others.

sr71plt said:

You still don't get it JBJ. You don't write critiques; you drop unexplained one liners--often just to denigrate. If you think this is a report rather than a story, explain why you think so--specificially, with this work. Don't just tell the author to go look anything up. You obviously don't explain why it's a report rather than a story (and, even if so, why that can't be legitimate form of erotica work) because you don't yourself have a clue what you're talking about.

I have yet to see a real story critique from you and yet some authors seem still to salivate after your approval (or at least to escape your unsupported denigration).

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Why would I wanna impress you, your opinion doesn't matter to anyone. Youre an old limp dick with numnutz. And the site owner called you a troll. Buzz off, Ace.

PS I collected a few more red roses from you know who, Troll Boy.

LastLostIdols said:

You mean to say he actually thinks he's helping? And here I was thinking he was just another brainless troll out for a giggle at the expense of others.

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He actually thinks he's a writer. He is a big reader but... and in his case it is a very big butt... he's first and foremost a troll.

TxRad said:

He actually thinks he's a writer. He is a big reader but... and in his case it is a very big butt... he's first and foremost a troll.

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I don't have a mullet, and that alone makes me a better man than you.

I liked it, quick and too the point.

I enjoyed the opening visual of him showing her his fingers as a sexy tease. Nice touch.

I didn't get the "report" feeling to it. It was a first person POV, but it did seem to....shift a little. There were points where it went from a narrative of what was happening to points where it seemed she was addressing the reader directly, so a little inconsistent with that, but I think easily fixed.

One small thing, a peeve of mine, but only because it was drilled into me early on by a great author here named Paco Fear....

Almost. That word is weak and unnecessary most of the time.

"almost freakishly large" so...he was Freakishly large or he was not.

Almost works for "Shit, I almost hit that dog!" "Damn, that was almost over the fence!"

But an almost whisper, almost freakish.....doesn't work.

Just a small tip more for the future than for this story.

In general I liked it.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

I don't have a mullet, and that alone makes me a better man than you.

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I would laugh if TX really had short hair and that was one of those "pony tail" hats.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Why would I wanna impress you, your opinion doesn't matter to anyone. Youre an old limp dick with numnutz. And the site owner called you a troll. Buzz off, Ace.

PS I collected a few more red roses from you know who, Troll Boy.

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So, you think folks aren't going to notice that you didn't respond to the actual point?

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

And the site owner called you a troll

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She called me one too.

To that I say look at the source.

At least I don't go around telling people to eat a dick. But yet, I am a troll.

sr71plt said:

So, you think folks aren't going to notice that you didn't respond to the actual point?

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Who died and made you my daddy? Besides, youre a troll, the owner says so.

Nope, that doesn't address the point either. Obviously you can't. (But I'm sure the OP and others get the point, so all is not lost.)

sr71plt said:

Nope, that doesn't address the point either. Obviously you can't. (But I'm sure the OP and others get the point, so all is not lost.)

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You have an inflated sense of your stature. I'll bet the OP doesn't think at all. Prolly gives her headaches.

Nope this isn't you giving substance to your "critique" either. Enjoying watching JBJ squirm on the hook.

LastLostIdols said:

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Hey pass some of that over, will ya?

Thank you!

lovecraft68 said:

I liked it, quick and too the point.

I enjoyed the opening visual of him showing her his fingers as a sexy tease. Nice touch.

I didn't get the "report" feeling to it. It was a first person POV, but it did seem to....shift a little. There were points where it went from a narrative of what was happening to points where it seemed she was addressing the reader directly, so a little inconsistent with that, but I think easily fixed.

One small thing, a peeve of mine, but only because it was drilled into me early on by a great author here named Paco Fear....

Almost. That word is weak and unnecessary most of the time.

"almost freakishly large" so...he was Freakishly large or he was not.

Almost works for "Shit, I almost hit that dog!" "Damn, that was almost over the fence!"

But an almost whisper, almost freakish.....doesn't work.

Just a small tip more for the future than for this story.

In general I liked it.

Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your constructive and gentle criticism! As I said, this being my first literotica post, I definitely appreciate input that I can use to change specific things and apply in the future!