the marks of a slave

I was thinking about your words when I was at the beauty parlor today.

Keroin said:

It just makes life easier, when you can competently take care of the everyday stuff by yourself. And it's not so much just about learning the task, it's about getting into the habit and routine of doing those tasks on a regular basis. Training yourself to accept them as second nature.

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I wanted to add something too, in reference to this thought. This makes sense to me, but I have not been able to live it.

I did chores my whole childhood, clearly defined and non-negotiable, going to the laundromat with my mom, cooking for myself in the morning and my family in the evening. As an adolescent, I was our "cleaning lady," and earned $18 week (the going wage back then) to scrub the house from top to bottom.

Since I moved out of my mother's house, though, I have never, ever, been able to keep my own house clean. Why? A total lack of motivation. And, before my kids were born, our house was filthy. Bad. I mean, so bad that I don't even want to admit anonymously how bad it was.

Having kids increased my motivation, but it wasn't until I linked the domestic chores to my sexuality that I actually began doing them on a regular basis.

In other words, it isn't only the kids who don't do chores around here.

On the other hand, in those wonderfully ironic twists that life offers, I am considered a very competent woman within my community. When I do something I do it very thoroughly.

I just don't do everything there is to do.

sweepthefloor said:

I was thinking about your words when I was at the beauty parlor today.

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Oh yeah?

*sits in to listen*

eastern sun said:

Oh yeah?

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Yeah!

neci_please_me said:

*sits in to listen*

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*listening too* are we whispering?

sweepthefloor said:

Yeah!


*listening too* are we whispering?

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*i guess so*

are we supposed to be quiet in here?

neci_please_me said:

*i guess so*

are we supposed to be quiet in here?

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No, I don't think so but I like whispering sometimes. It's emotional whispering. The nail salon did this to me, and I thought of ES words and didn't feel so strange about it.
----
I was thinking about, what the hell is going on in my brain today at the beauty parlor. I go to this regular place around the corner from me. The first time I went in there, the only man that works there approached me. I said no, I wanted a female. I just didn’t want his hands on my hands or face. I have a favorite girl because she smells good, and I trust her with my eyebrows.

Today I went in and only the man was available. I sat down in his chair. My mind quickly turned the whole experience into something controlling and powerful, which surely it was not, but it did not lessen my secret lust as I quickly learned his routine with my hands.

I kept my feet on the floor and my head down. I wouldn’t even look at him. He didn’t talk. The few times my mind got lost, he would gesture where my hands should be. My hands went over, under, into the bowl, into the lamp, into his hand, switching hands, as if some invisible thing was controlling me, or that I am trained to anticipate what to do next. By the end my hand relaxed enough to rest on his hand while he painted my thumbnail. I didn’t want it to end and I wanted to jump out of my seat at the same time. He put on three coats. I almost died with my feet on the floor.

When this exercise in discipline ended, the girl who cleans up my thick eyebrows takes me to the back and inflicts pain on my body and says: no more baby hairs.

I do this every week. The manicure is regular. I work myself up and daydream about everything the experience is not. Luckily, they don’t know this. In my opinion it is a cheap way to feel pain for a minute, be controlled and vulnerable for forty-five minutes. If I really want to suffer happily: I sit still while they touch my feet. The end product doesn’t look so bad either.

sweepthefloor said:

No, I don't think so but I like whispering sometimes. It's emotional whispering. The nail salon did this to me, and I thought of ES words and didn't feel so strange about it.
----
I was thinking about, what the hell is going on in my brain today at the beauty parlor. I go to this regular place around the corner from me. The first time I went in there, the only man that works there approached me. I said no, I wanted a female. I just didn’t want his hands on my hands or face. I have a favorite girl because she smells good, and I trust her with my eyebrows.

Today I went in and only the man was available. I sat down in his chair. My mind quickly turned the whole experience into something controlling and powerful, which surely it was not, but it did not lessen my secret lust as I quickly learned his routine with my hands.

I kept my feet on the floor and my head down. I wouldn’t even look at him. He didn’t talk. The few times my mind got lost, he would gesture where my hands should be. My hands went over, under, into the bowl, into the lamp, into his hand, switching hands, as if some invisible thing was controlling me, or that I am trained to anticipate what to do next. By the end my hand relaxed enough to rest on his hand while he painted my thumbnail. I didn’t want it to end and I wanted to jump out of my seat at the same time. He put on three coats. I almost died with my feet on the floor.

When this exercise in discipline ended, the girl who cleans up my thick eyebrows takes me to the back and inflicts pain on my body and says: no more baby hairs.

I do this every week. The manicure is regular. I work myself up and daydream about everything the experience is not. Luckily, they don’t know this. In my opinion it is a cheap way to feel pain for a minute, be controlled and vulnerable for forty-five minutes. If I really want to suffer happily: I sit still while they touch my feet. The end product doesn’t look so bad either.

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So...will it sound suspicious when I start calling all the salons in town looking for male aestheticians?

sweepthefloor said:

By the end my hand relaxed enough to rest on his hand while he painted my thumbnail.

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See, this is the moment I keep working towards. The moment when I can finally relax into whatever is happening.

I have been so shy, so terrified of people for so long that I can be very uncomfortable in social interactions. I have never had a manicure, even though I know I would enjoy the experience, because it is requires me to engage in this odd experience with another person - one where I'm uncertain of who's in charge. I didn't cut my hair for twenty years, because I couldn't figure out how to communicate with the person cutting my hair and always ended up in tears looking like someone I wasn't in the salon chair. I have, however, played out exactly the same experience in the dentist's chair - and I know he felt my excitement.

It was a huge discovery in my life to learn that fully embracing my submissiveness (which I approached through sexuality at first) could ease all those social interactions in which I had been uncomfortable since I was a child.

A warning, though . . . Introducing sexuality into all these mundane experiences is fun, but it can also unleash a hoard of chaotic forces, and confuse the people around you. I've had to separate my submissiveness from my sexuality over time in order to keep some semblance of order in the everyday world.

Life is a series of trial and error experiments.

"Don't you get it? You want to make it more complex. Slavery is about doing what you're told and not getting hit."

Don't worry E.S ....I get slavery as you define it. I am always inspired reading your posts as I am a slave . Granted a newbie to this role by your many years of experience. I realize ... Its NOT an easy path to follow and embrace, but am most fulfilled when I FULLY just give my ego unselfishly to Master's rules and protocols and ENJOY the ride. Thanks for your insightful, inspiring posts.

I need to read this thread more often. I'm always blown away by the wisdom in it.

The difference between him and others is that he knows me.

That's why I crave others.

I can feel myself as unknown territory.

eastern sun said:

I wanted to add something too, in reference to this thought. This makes sense to me, but I have not been able to live it.

I did chores my whole childhood, clearly defined and non-negotiable, going to the laundromat with my mom, cooking for myself in the morning and my family in the evening. As an adolescent, I was our "cleaning lady," and earned $18 week (the going wage back then) to scrub the house from top to bottom.

Since I moved out of my mother's house, though, I have never, ever, been able to keep my own house clean. Why? A total lack of motivation. And, before my kids were born, our house was filthy. Bad. I mean, so bad that I don't even want to admit anonymously how bad it was.

Having kids increased my motivation, but it wasn't until I linked the domestic chores to my sexuality that I actually began doing them on a regular basis.

In other words, it isn't only the kids who don't do chores around here.

On the other hand, in those wonderfully ironic twists that life offers, I am considered a very competent woman within my community. When I do something I do it very thoroughly.

I just don't do everything there is to do.

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I totally think kids should contribute to the housework, and I did when I was growing up, although if it makes anyone feel better, living on my own and with roommates was still a shock. I think it's a tough balance between wanting to provide for your kids and wanting them to be unspoiled, mature, prepared, contributing members of society, etc.

You know, I woke this morning with one very clear thought.

I can speak to the goal of "staying." I have held on to the goal of "staying."

In fact, I have devoted myself to the goal of "staying."

But "staying" may not be the goal.

There might not be any goal at all.

I wouldn't call myself a slave as such but I definitely do the majority of chores around the house and most organisational tasks. I like to refer to myself as Managing Director of the household haha. My husband works away and has a lot of time off but overall he works a lot more than me so even when he is off I still do most things in the house as I feel its only fair since he has to be away for long periods and I want him to enjoy his time at home and relax.

I don't see this as a D/s thing, more of a partnership, he does his bit and I do mine. I Enjoy organising the house because I like to be in control so I know whats going on with things. Maybe thats why I like him to be in control with other things....

ES ~
I don't have anything relevant to the current topic to add exactly, but I had to take a moment to say something because I have enjoyed reading here so much. After much humble lurking here on your thread I just have to say that every post of yours that I read is completely transfixing. It is like a hypnotic hush that falls over me every time and it leaves me feeling privileged just to read what you write.

Thank you for all that you say here... to me, you are intricately beautiful.

I just started to explore this thread, but I feel the need to thank eastern sun as well as all others who contributed on the first pages.
I always had (and still have) a hard time figuring out the dynamics and ‘meaning’ of this whole ‘slave thing’.
When this thread started I firmly stated that I am ‘not into the whole BDSM thing at all’. I changed my mind on that about a year ago. After about nine years some kind of crisis led to a certain change of power dynamics in my relationship.
Resolving the crisis (another girl and a whole lot of summed up discontent) we discovered that she got excited by the idea of submission while I realized that I was actually missing a certain kind of dominance. We decided to give this a try and see where it would lead to.
After months of thinking we raised the bar recently and it works out pretty interesting.

That said …
I still have difficulties grasping a lot of things.
My mother taught me to be polite and kind with a woman and did a good job. It’s pretty hard for me to ‘get nasty’ even in the bedroom. Let alone outside of it.
I’m slowly accommodating, but there’s still a long way to go.

This thread is actually very helpful in explaining the mindset of different people who live the submissive role in a way I would call ‘extreme’.
It shows that there isn’t necessarily an insurmountable gap between a strong, intelligent and self confident personality (which is true for her) and the willingness to submit oneself to another person (which is apparently also true for her, but rather alien to me).
Of course I did realize that before, but as I said: self confidence and submission combined are completely alien to me. Personally I go great lengths to avoid submitting. Personal freedom is extremely important to me and therefore I don’t like to ‘own’ someone.
But the things we discovered so far feel absolutely right and since no one gets harmed (much) and everybody is happy it can’t be that wrong.

That sounds like I am a total newbie. Which is in fact true. But in theory I dealt with the matter for a couple of years out of curiosity and for business reasons.
But getting involved myself and being a person who always searches for the hidden mechanics behind things I try to understand now. And this thread helps a lot.

I wish I could gather you all in some castle down the Rhine (chains at the wall for everyone who likes that included) and talk it out (after teaching you german or getting a better grasping of English to express my thoughts and understand your replies).
After accepting that in fact I am into this BDSM thing I’m in the state of reconsidering everything ever heard about it.

But enough of that.
This is about thanking you and not about me …
Thank you eastern sun for such insightful views into your relationship. Thank you BiBunny, Netzach, intothewoods and VelvetDarkness for more viewpoints. Thank you Homburg for giving insight to the other side. And thank you everybody else for contributing.
(The list is far from being exhaustive and I have only read a few pages yet.)

And please excuse me for stealing your time with this post...

eastern sun said:

See, this is the moment I keep working towards. The moment when I can finally relax into whatever is happening.

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This is the moment Im hoping for too ES, perhaps in a slightly different context.

I cant seem to just let things happen and take their natural course, instead I seem to sabotage things before they go wrong. Kick the dog to make sure it's alive I think the saying goes, or something to that effect.

I want to accept instead of constantly questioning and I want to submit instead of allowing my fear to drive me to fight for control. When I manage it and I'm in that place, I love the sense of inner peace I get, so why's it so bloody hard to stay there?

I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. I just dont seem to be able to do it consistantly.

Have you ever felt that way? Does it shift and if so how?

Any words of wisdom or insight would be much appreciated ES.

minx1 said:

I want to accept instead of constantly questioning and I want to submit instead of allowing my fear to drive me to fight for control. When I manage it and I'm in that place, I love the sense of inner peace I get, so why's it so bloody hard to stay there?

I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. I just dont seem to be able to do it consistantly.

Have you ever felt that way? Does it shift and if so how?

Any words of wisdom or insight would be much appreciated ES.

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I could've written these same words, minx. Which means yes, I have felt that way. Yes, it does shift. Constantly. In both directions. And many others besides.

As I read this thread and think about slavedom, I keep having questions like "what if the power unbalance gets abused", "what if the master makes a mistake and does not admit it", etc. And I am wondering if it's me not meant to be a slave (i.e. unwilling to accept certain asymmetries), or if it's that there are just simply very few doms who are worthy of having a slave. I am sorry for the redundancy if this has already been addressed before (I don't come often so haven't perused all 80 pages), is it that the masters take responsibilities to ensure certain degrees of fairness, or that it is understood that at heart they will never mean the slave any harm, so any "wrong" is accepted quietly? Does a slave ever resent something the master has done, or transforms that into some sexual energy? I'd appreciate it if someone could explain their view on this, thanks.

minx1 said:

I cant seem to just let things happen and take their natural course, instead I seem to sabotage things before they go wrong. Kick the dog to make sure it's alive I think the saying goes, or something to that effect.

I want to accept instead of constantly questioning and I want to submit instead of allowing my fear to drive me to fight for control. When I manage it and I'm in that place, I love the sense of inner peace I get, so why's it so bloody hard to stay there?

I know what I have to do. I know what I want to do. I just dont seem to be able to do it consistantly.

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So much this. It drives me crazy. I love being scared, I love being uncomfortable, and I love putting up a fight... how to reconcile that with being insecure and compulsive and having control issues. Sometimes I do, though, and manage to leave my baggage at the door. Those moments are pure bliss. If only could just chuck the baggage altogether.

I wonder if just not giving yourself the option--an "out"--to behave otherwise would work? "Do or do not, there is no try"? Or perhaps enlist the help of the PYL in cracking down on unwanted behavior? A combination of both? Something else entirely? I guess I shouldn't expect to have it all figured out by 22 after all.

Impart your zen wisdom to us, ES!

(I'd also just like to say that I love reading your posts in this thread, and it's really helped me sort out who I am and what I'm looking for. Please keep it up. )

Having deeply contemplated the idea, today I'd rather be fisted by a woman.

That may change tomorrow.

I am caught sheepishly embarrassed by my desire to say something deep and profound. And my total inability to do so.

welkin said:

As I read this thread and think about slavedom, I keep having questions like "what if the power unbalance gets abused", "what if the master makes a mistake and does not admit it", etc. And I am wondering if it's me not meant to be a slave (i.e. unwilling to accept certain asymmetries), or if it's that there are just simply very few doms who are worthy of having a slave. I am sorry for the redundancy if this has already been addressed before (I don't come often so haven't perused all 80 pages), is it that the masters take responsibilities to ensure certain degrees of fairness, or that it is understood that at heart they will never mean the slave any harm, so any "wrong" is accepted quietly? Does a slave ever resent something the master has done, or transforms that into some sexual energy? I'd appreciate it if someone could explain their view on this, thanks.

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The first fisting the handler experienced was with a woman who had a hysterectomy.

He has never been able to repeat the intensity of that experience, and his longing for it was so apparent, it was the only time I have ever considered radical surgery as a slave.

But I am not his slave.

And the thought was fleeting.

A lot of people use the term "slave" in a lighter sense than I do. And a lot of people live a more extreme "lifestyle" than I do.

You must choose your partners carefully. And define your relationship to meet your needs.

My husband makes mistakes; most of which I must accept. But so do I.

He is a reasonable man. Generous. Patient. Sometimes he wants to hurt me. And I hurt. But I am also capable of hurting him.

And I have to be very careful to avoid nurturing resentments.

Is life fair? Is everything evenly distributed and balanced?

Who has power? How is it exercised?

I have a lot of power. Fair-ness is something my kids fight over.

But fair doesn't seem to be part of the universal equation.

That's why we have to be so attentive in how we use our power.

We all have power. What do we do with it?