My first mind control / erotic horror story!

I usually save Erotic Horror for October, but I hate to so a request for feedback go unanswered for so long, so I read this tonight. You weren't specific about the kind of feedback you're looking for, so here are some general thoughts.

Over all it was a hot, erotic story. You wrote the desire and the lust really well. It was technically sound writing - maybe a handful of typos, nothing distracting. There were just a couple of plot points that I thought were kind of thin.

You never really gave Jasmine a motivation for wanting to join the sorority. Why was she willing to endure the hardship and the humiliation and sacrifice her studies for this? It wasn't a family tradition she was living up to. She didn't need the networking connections to be successful. It didn't seem to be an ego thing for her. I would have liked more insight into why she was so willing to do anything the sorority asked of her.

Second, when the demon appeared, there was no horror. No reaction from Jasmine or Yumi or Bristol. It was almost like they expected it. Like "Oh yeah, this is the part where the demon shows up. Cool." A bit of disbelief, or terror, or confusion on their part would have been more authentic.

But beyond those two quibbles, it was a really good story. You turned several really clever phrases that I may have to steal someday. I think "the prattle of pebbles" and "sweltered with juices" we're two of my favorites. Over all, well done.
 
Hmm... thank you. That was a pretty glaring ommission on my part. Much appreciated.
 
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