My first ever erotic story, please give me feedback

Hi! I read your story. I want to say first that if you had not mentioned it, I would not have known that English is not your first language. You have an excellent grasp on it, though you do make a consistent usage error in your story that I often see in new writers or writers with another language as their first language. Not all words for the same thing, particularly body parts, are created equal. While using the word "boobs" or "trouser snake" will accurately say what part of the body you're talking about, those words have an additional juvenile/silly connotation.
 
Hi! I read your story. I want to say first that if you had not mentioned it, I would not have known that English is not your first language. You have an excellent grasp on it, though you do make a consistent usage error in your story that I often see in new writers or writers with another language as their first language. Not all words for the same thing, particularly body parts, are created equal. While using the word "boobs" or "trouser snake" will accurately say what part of the body you're talking about, those words have an additional juvenile/silly connotation.
Thanks, good to know.
Boobs has always felt the most natural word to use for breasts in the English language I gues...
 
While using the word "boobs" or "trouser snake" will accurately say what part of the body you're talking about, those words have an additional juvenile/silly connotation.

Seconding this. "Boobs" and "lady love juice" sound immature.

Some minor language issues:

"But, she had no interest for them"

This should probably be "But she had no interest in them". "For them" is ambiguous - it sounds as if you're saying she wasn't of interest to them (the boys).

"Never actually having seen one, it rose her interest." - "rose" doesn't work here. "Rise"/"rose" isn't normally used with an object. See usage note here - "raised her interest" would be better. "Aroused" or "piqued" (not "peaked", a lot of people make that mistake) would also work.
 
Seconding this. "Boobs" and "lady love juice" sound immature.

Some minor language issues:

"But, she had no interest for them"

This should probably be "But she had no interest in them". "For them" is ambiguous - it sounds as if you're saying she wasn't of interest to them (the boys).

"Never actually having seen one, it rose her interest." - "rose" doesn't work here. "Rise"/"rose" isn't normally used with an object. See usage note here - "raised her interest" would be better. "Aroused" or "piqued" (not "peaked", a lot of people make that mistake) would also work.
Yeah, I've noticed prepositions are what give me the hardest time in English. I suppose practice will make perfect.

Does someone maybe have a link with good synonyms to be used in erotic stories? I don't really know what else to call a woman's breasts but tits...
 
Yeah, I've noticed prepositions are what give me the hardest time in English. I suppose practice will make perfect.

Does someone maybe have a link with good synonyms to be used in erotic stories? I don't really know what else to call a woman's breasts but tits...

Stay away from slang and go to more descriptive language. Read through some highly-rated stories you think are written the way you want to write and take notes.
 
I tend to rotate around, chest, bosom, and breasts. As for boobs or tits, I would only use it for dialog if it would seem appropriate for a certain character. For example, two high school buddies talking about the hottest cheerleader in school. I could picture them saying boobs or tits to describe a girl's figure.
 
There are any number of words/phrases to describe boobs (for example, chest, bosom, melons, tits, titties, breasts, pillows, mounds) but you need to use your imagination and relate to size, shape and perkiness etc. This rule applies to all descriptions (scenes, body shapes, clothes etc).
Generally, your use of English was fine (rose was a clear misuse) but Liz went rather too swiftly from a naive girl (not even knowing much about masturbation) to a forward, brazen, aggressive femme fatale.
Keep writing - and keep reading to develop awareness and your own style.
 
I think it really depends on what type of story you're looking to write.. if you're looking to write for a younger, more immature crowd - then less descriptive words would be fine. I would also note that if the story lets say was about some 18+ 'teens' then less cultured words would be fine.

Overall, great job. Keep it up.
 
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