orgasm denial as a form of discipline?

My wife of 25 years and I are starting to experiment with adding a D/s dynamic into the bedroom. She has a very stressful corporate career where she's in charge all the time and wants a place where she can let all that go. We are just starting out and are trying to figure out what works for us as we go.

Though I'm very new to this, I am begining to understand the importance of establishing rules as a means of providing her a framework within which she can feel safe. A long with rules comes discipline for breaking the rules. While we have discussed spanking, neither of us are ready for that. I fully expect her to push to the boundaries of that framework to test my commitment to being her Dom.

What are people's thoughts on the effectiveness of using orgasm denial of a form of discipline? Is that likely to cause any issues that I can't forsee?

If you use orgasm denial as a form of punishment, be prepared to discover that for some people, a lack of orgasms leads to a lack of interest in orgasms - you may agree it's sexy to refuse to let her climax, but her body may decide to divert that sexual energy elsewhere (work, hobbies, etc).

Another thing to consider -

Why assume you need a punishment dynamic? Is it "fun punishment" (excuse to do kinky things), or do you really feel that in order to "do" D/s there has to be punishment? Plenty of people have power based relationships, without punishment at all. Someone fails to follow the rules, so instead of spanking them into compliance, they discuss reasons why the rule failed and how to prevent failure in the future. (And then go have kinky sex for the joy of having kinky sex. lol)

The need for punishment was an assumption on my part based on our personalities. Point taken about orgasm denial. Food for thought. Thanks.

My thoughts are along those lines as well. I think orgasm denial is a highly effective tool against men, but with women, I'm not so sure. I think you need to think more along the lines of rewards for good behavior instead of punishment for bad behavior. The lines can get very blurred if the sub actually likes to be punished for bad behavior as sometimes that is exactly what they want.

And lots of orgasms to relieve stress!

Tie her up, and douse her in spanks and pleasure.
My guess is, she needs to be relieved of being in charge, and just receive.

The lines can get very blurred if the sub actually likes to be punished for bad behavior as sometimes that is exactly what they want.

Click to expand...

You might try setting up certain behaviors-- ones that are not destructive or that bother you in reality-- as signals that the sub is craving punishment of the fun kind.

Because it seems to me, in cases like OP's, this is someone who really has most of her shit together. She just needs a different kind of attention when she gets home. She's not going to be bad if she can have her needs met otherwise.

Forced orgasms can be punishing, too, BTW

Reward can be a deliciously humiliating dynamic. Does she unwind with a glass of wine or a dish of ice cream customarily? Not till she's blown you to your satisfaction she doesn't.

Orgasm denial is great to make someone do stupid humiliating stuff that you can then further exploit in the future. As a form of discipline, it's imo less useful - if it's short term, it fails to be a punishment; if it's long term, it's too disconnected with the misbehavior.

Forcing her to do stuff that she hates and orgasm denial until she finished the task would work. The stuff doesn't have to be sexual. I was very surprised how effective "watch 90 minutes of soccer" can be if the person hates soccer with a passion.


As she is a manager who is looking for relieve, I might force her to make a powerpoint presentation about her misbehavior. But I'm a true sadist.

I love the idea of a PowerPoint presentation. I may just have to use that.

Primalex said:

I might force her to make a powerpoint presentation

Click to expand...

And then you say there is no evil!

I might force her to make a powerpoint presentation about her misbehavior.

Click to expand...

Fuck, I've been watching waaay too much hentai, because this sounds hot.

Stella_Omega said:

Fuck, I've been watching waaay too much hentai, because this sounds hot.

Click to expand...

Wait, how did you know that she has to wear a school uniform with a short skirt during the presentation?

IrisAlthea said:

And then you say there is no evil!

Click to expand...

I've never heard this from anyone I know.

Primalex said:

I've never heard this from anyone I know.

Click to expand...

"Experience, that most brutal teacher. But you learn, my god do you learn."?

Joshua65 said:

What are people's thoughts on the effectiveness of using orgasm denial of a form of discipline? Is that likely to cause any issues that I can't forsee?

Click to expand...

First of all let me say that I am always glad to see people working hard for their relationships, especially when they take the time to bring new life into long-term ones, such as yours. I think you will certainly benefit from it.

I agree with the opinions expressed above, that orgasm denial does not work very well as a form of punishment - at least not for women subs. In my humble opinion, the expression of sexuality is - or should be - at the heart of any power exchange of the sort we are discussing in BDSM, and to thwart it would be thoughtless, perhaps damaging, in the long run...

There are many small punishments that can be put into effect for breaking rules. In my experience, I felt safe and at ease when the rules were made clear from the beginning and a small set of punishments was explained to me up front. I usually had to make a short list of all the rules, so we would have a written document so to speak and I could refer to it whenever in doubt. This tends to reinforce the sense of control over the sub. The rules are there, set in ink - or bytes - and her sense of having surrendered control to the Dominant becomes really clear to her.

My advice would be to keep it simple. Three punishment, one for light offences, one for more serious things and one for very serious offences.

Now, considering your life circumstances and the heavy responsibility placed on your wife at work, I would suggest things that would take her out of this mode of thinking. it is very important to change the "trance" of the sub within the relationship. A very simple form of punishment would be one that would transform her into a young girl again, with no worries or thoughts other than to be obedient and pleasing to you. Corner time, with the legs apart and facing the wall for 5 minutes would be an easy form of changing her "trance" for a while. Second punishment, more serious, would be a little humiliation. For example she might be made to clean the bathroom naked. Perhaps she would have to bring herself to an orgasm on the bathroom floor when she is done. Something like that. Or to clean the house wearing nothing but high-heels (highly enjoyable to you too - a man with a maid...)

For more serious offences, I will ask the people above for their opinion, as I would not want to provide all the answers or dominate the discussion. My Master says I talk too much anyway and I will face the gag if I exceed certain limits...<smiles>

All fantastic ideas dora_salonica. Thank you.

Joshua65 said:

All fantastic ideas dora_salonica. Thank you.

Click to expand...

You are welcome!

I think of Dom/Sub being more about a change in the power dynamic from which the Sub is a big beneficiary. You are relieving the burden of stress and decision-making in return for her subservience.

As with any authority based relationship, punishment is only due when there is disobedience. One of the key differences here is that what is traditionally thought of as discipline may not be for many Subs. If she likes to be spanked it is reward, not discipline - you may dress this "reward" up as something else via role play but it remains a reward for good behaviour.

Meanwhile, as in any authority based but loving relationship punishment is not belaboured or undertaken for the amusement of the Dom. It gets the attention of the Sub, registers the point and may be garnished with something that eases the pain. The goal is to correct behaviour not retribution.

Orgasm denial works well with men because it is easy to hold their attention and the punishment can be readily garnished with a beautiful Dom teasing him all the way. The question for you would be whether your SO can be sufficiently engaged by this exercise.

As noted in many threads, the role of the Dom is one of responsibility. What does you Sub need and desire? How can you give it to her? If letting go of her compulsion to be in charge is what she needs then punishments should be geared to stopping that behaviour and getting her accustomed to letting go particularly as it relates to ceding authority to you. Likewise rewards are offered for ceding authority, especially in circumstances where she would find that hard to do.

The key is to consistently step up to fulfill that role of authority - she can only be Sub when you are being Dom. A simple example is the question many couples have debated "where shall we go for dinner?" At some point most of us have tried to avoid making a decision while trying to appear generous - "oh, whatever you want honey." Fact is you know she doesn't want to decide either. As Dom, it is up to you to pick the restaurant and the time and tell her what to wear. If the evening goes well she is rewarded. If she complains about the choice she is punished.

The goal is to create such a consistent pattern of benevolent authority that your presence provides her respite. The food choice will soon take a backseat to not having to decide.