Dear X:

SimpleGifts said:

Dear Self:

Would you please muster up enough motivation and inspiration to enable me to stop skimming random threads such as this, and to finish this damned report that's due to my boss tomorrow?

Much obliged.

SG

Click to expand...

LOL...


Dear S,
You truly are the most clueless person I've ever met. I really do love when you inform me of what I'm required to do when I'm taking care of my daughter (especially when they are pearls of wisdom like her having to do the karate practice she hates but you insisted on, over my objections). It was truly funny to hear the words, "You have to tell her to do it, don't ask her opinion," come out of your mouth. Especially when the last 3 visits she's had with me were completely fucked up by plans you made for her without consulting me. When I informed you how much it would inconvenience me, your response was, "Well, it's her decision..." Then you left it to me to tell her she couldn't do the things you had promised her without asking me first.

I take it back, you're not clueless...you're a fucking bitch. I'm letting you push me around at the moment, but trust me it's not without a motive.

....Des

SelenaKittyn said:

Dear God,

Thank you.

Click to expand...

Dear Pompous Arsehole,

I understand that you are eager to purchase a new computer. It's understandable; the acquisition of shiny baubles is a valuable tool in letting other people know just how important you are. I can also understand your irritation when it turns out that the computer you wanted is not currently in stock, even though I can't believe you were stupid enough to think that that was a good deal.

However, I'm tired. I phoned in sick this morning and the headache I claimed to add extra verisimilitude has very quickly become a real one after it became clear that we were short handed and I was the least ill. I've been dragged from my sick bed to come and attend to the many people who are in the shop and I'm afraid I have neither the time nor energy to give your ego the thorough massaging that you so obviously deserve.

I'm sorry that I was unable to pinpoint which computer you wanted simply from the price you gave. Especially given the fact that the prices on our television advertisements are special offers that are different from the everyday ones I learn instore. I agree, it is appalling that I don't know every single computer that we have in stock off by heart and can only apologise profusely for having made you walk an extra 10 metres aroudn the shop as I hunted for it. I'm also very sorry that I was unable to give you a computer that was top-of-the-line and under £450. I am so terribly sorry that you had to make do with polite apologies and expressions of helpfulness in response to your grizzlings about the terrible service and how you are being forced to buy here by your insurance voucher. As we speak, I am currently weeping great tears at the fact that you were unable to take home a third laptop for a bargain price. Truly, I am; it's affecting my typing.

However, I am glad that you managed to make yourself feel better by totally ignoring me as soon as my boss joins the conversation. I feel truly blessed that I was able to make your day better, by being the target for your spoilt-little-boy toy-tossing antics and by quietly accepting your insufferably superior attitude. I understand that this is my place as a mere retail employee and that, as your obvious inferior in every way, I should be grateful that you even deigned to talk to me at all.

In short, I think you should count your blessings to have been served by such a polite person, as someone lesser might have removed your head from your arse and given it a thorough kicking. If it wasn't for the fact that you are currently sucking your own dick at the thought of just how unutterably great you are, I'd suggest you kiss my arse.

Yours faithfully,

The Earl

Dear Acting Manager

If you are working in my room then please got off your lazy arse and do some WORK! If I am in the bathroom dealing with a child I cannot reasonably expected to be watching the children in the main room, that is why there are two staff after all. So instead of waiting for me to come back please stop the children breaking the toys and climbing on the tables. If you are on the rota then you are responsible and at the end of the day you have overall duty of care not me. You are supposed to know these things. You are after all supposedly my superior.

Elsie

xxx

Not so dear, soon to be homeless, ex-GF,

Last straw. Why is it everything between us is fine until your friends are around? If there is something wrong in our relationship you could just say it, you know that, I've told you many times. Your friends show up and suddenly I'm a jerk and you start making demands with your friends right behind you nodding their agreement. You knew when we met I play poker with the guys on Saturday night, if I remember, that's how we met. You even went with me until your friends told you I should be completely devoted to you.

And why is my home not satisfactory to you now? You liked it when you first moved in. Now you want me you get a bigger place and new furniture. Hey, I wouldn't mind that if I could afford it. But let me remind you, while I have never asked, you have never paid so much as a penny toward the household bills. I understand that you work part time for minimum wage, that's why I never asked you for anything. I can handle the bills, I can't handle your friends telling you I don't "provide" for you.

You know when I'm working I don't have time to talk to you on the phone, especially when I'm in a customer's home. So why do you insist on calling my cell every 30 minutes?

So now we're going to play a game. The game is called "The Choice is Yours". Here's how it works; I give you two choices, you pick one and live with it. Tonight's choices are:

1. Tell your friends to shut the fuck up and stay out of our relationship.

2. Well, to quote a good friend of my own, "Do you remember where you parked your car?"

Sincerely,

The guy who used to love you

Dear Bit Torrent Downloads

Would you please speed up, I find the "estimated time remaining" of 3 weeks, 4 days and 7 hours to be a wee bit excessive.

I was wanting to watch these entire seasons tv shows, cause I never watch tv and never saw these ones, and thought I might watch them with no commercials. I understand that a 5 to 10 gig download will take time, but that other torrent I put in called "amazing penetrations" is downloading really fast.

Since I understand that torrent downloading is sharing, I have no other choice but to believe that I am sharing with a bunch of peoples with dial-up internet connections and runnin Windows95.

Please speed up.

Dear postal carrier...

I realize that you don't like your job very much, and I wouldn't like it either, if I were you. I do feel for you. That "snow, sleet, rain, hail" deal really does suck ass. If my sidewalk isn't cleared by 6am of ice and snow, I do apologize, but I have a husband who works 12 hours a day, and I have to wait until the two little ones are up so I can go out to shovel and salt so I can supervise them outside. I suppose I could comply with your request and leave them alone in the house in order to clear the way... but that leaves me with a rather difficult dilemma, doesn't it? Should I be a bad mother, or risk the wrath of a postal worker? Hmmm... tough call.

Dear Jeanette Winterson

I am your biggest admirer. I have read all your books, even your children's book " King of Capri". I own them all, some of them I have several copies of, and I have bought and sent some into the universe, to my friends, who I hoped would appreciate you too.

You write beauty. Poetic, yet it's prose. You make me want to write. I wonder what it would be like to write the way that you do. Do you recognise that you have written absolute beauty when you put down your pen/ close the laptop lid/ crumple up the sheet of paper?

I want to live inside your head.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. What then kills love? Only this: Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call.

Yours, in admiration,
Nirvana
xxx

Dear X:

No, it isn't your fault that I feel like this- but it is your fault that I keep feeling this way. It's been ten years, and I still feel like I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not loving enough, not enough, period.

What my parents started killing in me, you put the final bullet in. What life dealt the cards for, you just raised the stakes on. And I'm tired of living with ghosts, yours included.

I lost a lot of things to you. I lost faith, clarity, sanity, innocence and a good portion of my health at your hands. I gained things to, but at the end of the day, it didn't balance out.

I'm still trying to recover from the scars you inflicted on my heart, mind and soul. I will always be grateful that I did love you, but I'm still reeling. You color every word I write, you influence every decision I make, your shadow falls on every dream I have. What you stole from me steals from what I have left to give, hardens my heart and callouses my soul.

No one will ever believe me when I say I'm not as nice as they think I am; not as sweet, not as bubbly, not as hopeful. Every day I wake up, and my first thought is how I've already failed. Every day I force light into my eyes, every laugh has to fight its way past your memory, every feeling has to find a way through a maze of emotional barbwire.

I just wanted to say thank you for everything gained and lost. Without you I would have never had Shaun, or Lynn, or any of the people who put me back together after you broke me. Without you, I wouldn't have grown up so fast, I wouldn't have been prepared for the absolute worst that life and love can throw at me. Because of the gifts I found in loving and losing you I've survived some of the better parts of hell.

I was far too young and far too fragile for you- but I'm not going to blame you for my own faults. Just as you left me with an inability to love anyone heart and soul again, you also killed my ability to hate. Gains and losses- you gave me the best and worst of them.

Always:

Me.

My sweet, precious xiao mei-mei (little/younger sister):

Shut.

The fuck.

Up.

Look, I love you. You know that. I'd take a bullet for you. I would grab the biggest, baddest-ass weapon on the planet and fight God himself for you. If I believed he existed, anyway.

But enough. I don't want to hear about "what Ashley said to [you] last night" when you talked on the phone for two hours, then talked on AIM for three more. I don't want to hear what "that bitch Cherie" did. And I sure-as-shit don't want to hear about every explicit detail of every date you've been on and every make-out session you've got with your latest boyfriend of two weeks.

Look, girl, you've gotta understand--you know more about dating than I ever will, and you're only 14! Can't you see that it bugs me when you talk about your awesome date with Inconsiderate Prick #467.21"UPSILON" when you know good-and-damn-well that I've never even been on a single date in my 21 years of existing on this planet Earth? I've already made peace with the fact that you're gonna lose your virginity before me--do you have to give me play-by-play of everything you do until then?

Oh, and also, stop bragging about how you're going to France this summer as a school trip. Wimpee-fucking-doo. While you're looking at the Eiffel Tower and eating French bread and flirting with Jean-Francois, I'll be in bed with a bunch of little tiny holes in my gut, drinking clear liquids and puking my newly-shrunken guts out. You don't hear me being all "Oh, yeah? Well, while you're sucking down shitty croissants, I'LL be letting a complete stranger slice me open and gut me in front of a small crowd of funny-looking nitwits wearing white masks and blue nightgowns! YAY ON ME!!!"

All my love,

Your brother, Matt.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Matt,

Quit bitching about how you're a fat virgin. Nobody wants to hear it. They've got their own problems--they don't want to concern themselves with yours. I understand you're clinically insane and borderline schizophrenic, and I understand you like to use those for attention, but why don't you pool those energies into...pssh, I dunno...GETTING LAID?! Get off your fat ass and get some before your operation this summer, just in case you bite it or something. I know you're a great guy--"noble before nubile" and things like that...but seriously. You're 21, and you've never even been on a date. If there's ever been a time to get into Desperation Mode, it would be nowish. Weasel your way into someone's panties or something, because I am getting VERY irritated with all this masturbating, which I know is paradoxical, but you know what I mean.

All my love,

Matt.

Dear ____,

You're a liar. And a manipulator. And don't deserve the air that moves in and out of your lungs. I'm glad that she's on the other side of the world from you right now because at least at this point she stands the chance of leading a happy and fullfilling life. Without you.

What did you think was going to happen in the end? That you would get married, and she would just never discover the truth behind you? Did you think that you could hide from her forever and just pretend you weren't the person you really are? Did you think that if you close your eyes that no one else can see you?

I see you. Plain before me. And you disgust me. I can't stand to be near you. My stomach turns and I can't breathe it makes me so sick. She loves you, you pathetic, hollow, empty-hearted waste of living flesh. She trusts you. She turns to you for safety and comfort. And you let her.

You take from her what you want. You lead her on. Knowing that your life and everything she knows about you is a lie. You have taken her heart, her love, her tears, her life's blood. You may not have taken her body without consent... but you have raped her mind...

And it doesn't even bother you in the slightest. You look in the mirror every day and admire yourself with smug satisfaction... I don't know what level of hell you spawned from... But you need to crawl back in there and hide. Because you're safer there than you are in my presence.

I will not forgive you. Not ever. And I wish for you what I have never wished on anyone... That you go to the grave alone, with no friends, no family, no wife and children to hold your hand, or mourn for you when you are gone. To spend an eternity plagued with the memories of what you have done. And I hope you feel it. The anguish...

if you can feel anything at all...

~Ghost

Dear AH,

It's kind of a bummer that you haven't missed me a bit, but it's nice to see you humming along. Clean breaks are good, but sometimes I miss you.

Sincerely,

A voice from the past

Dear D,

Thank you so much for agreeing to do this with me - I'm having so much fun and it's inspiring to feed off someone's work. Looking forward to the next installment!
x
V

Dear ---

Where are you?

Skip1934a said:

Dear ---

Where are you?

Click to expand...

Running from myself.

Seriously- just busy. Haven't been home much the last few days.

To the one that got away,

COME BACK! Please whereever you are.

A faithful girl

To the man that's looking for me,

I'm not hard to find, I'm easy to handle and love to cuddle, I'd meet you but I don't know anything about you. I hope your at least cute or even handsome in some way. I have dreams of other men but I don't know if one of them is you. I quit looking after all the bastards I had in the past. I'll be waiting as long as I can or my body lets me. If your even here let me know you want to know me. Again I say I'm not that hard to find.

Your soulmate

Dear Whomever is in charge of such things,

I know it's a porn board, but there are some really wonderful people that hang out here. Some of them have some things that are bothering them, and I hope you help them find peace with these issues.

Dear twin sister,

I know everyone said we looked alike when we were babies. I agree, we were so adorable. I mimicked your every move and thought you were my shadow.

Remember when I was about four. I looked in the mirror and bellowed, “Gramma!”

She came running thinking I had hurt myself. She hugged me and asked me what was wrong. All I could do is sniff and point to the mirror and say, “Why sissy in mirror and not me?” I took her about an hour to explain that one to me.

However, as we grew older, I noticed and even though you resembled me, you were not me. So why in the hell are they still comparing me to you and asking why I can’t do things like you do.

I wanted to shout at the top of my voice, "Hello-people-family-friends and 5th grade teacher!!!" I’m a unique individual with a personality all my own. Try to remember free spirited person does things HER way—not your way or sis’s way.

Now that I am older, people can see the difference between us. I am a vivacious red haired BBW and consider myself happily married, kinky, outgoing and sexy as hell. Plus, an inspiring author of poems, short stories, a book and for the past six year’s, erotica.

We used to share many things including secrets. That won’t happen again, when I told her I wrote erotica and she read some. At first she said, “It was spicy and she liked it,” Now all she does is tell everyone who will listen I am a whore because I write erotica. I used to visit her often as she lives close to me. That was until she kicked me out of her life telling me I was a bitch and needed to quit acting like the world revolves around me. Dang, I never knew that fact, wish it were true.

Sis is two inches shorter then me and about 60 lbs lighter. With too many wrinkles, and graying hair, and people say she looks 10 years older then me. She says she is happily married to a guy about 16 yrs older then her. If they are so freaking happing, why is she always complaining about things? She used to be fun to be around, but last year she turned into the bitch from hell. She began to blame everything and everyone else for her insecurities.

I still love her dearly! I am a retired nurse and know that she needs help.
Please sissy, get some help…………I want you back in my life. I feel empty without you.

Your loving twin sister.

Dear L,

I haven't had a free lesson in days and days, and I just can't operate like this anymore. As a rule, the more leisure time I'm given, the more productive I am. At the moment, I'm running on vapours.

I know it's easier for you to ask me to do cover lessons, as I'm one of the few members of staff who doesn't come back screaming at you when they've lost their frees.... but fuck... I feel like I'm being punished for being nice.

If you have to take my free lessons off me for the rest of the week, that's ok - but can we compromise by you asking the headteacher to give me an afternoon off for being such a good girl? I know it's not standard practice, but I quite like the idea of flexitime.

Thank you.

Zade
xxx

Dear Grace's Subconcious,

Well, that was nice of you. And oh soooo appropriate. What was the point of dredging that shit up for me to dream about it? Thanks. I did not appreciate being in the same room as her again in my dream, let alone kissing and intending to spend the night with her. So, evidently something is awry here. If i were of sound mental health and or completely over the relationship (which i keep conciously saying i am!) then i don't suppose this would bother me so much. Fact is i'm not of the soundest mental health and i'm also effected by the fact that ive never dreamed about her before, so why now!

Please, don't ever dredge it all up again. Oh and errrrr...what was H doing there? and why was she asking how i felt about her? Well, she certainly had H's name but although i dont remember what face was applied, i am sure it wasn't H's face... anyway...that was a bit of a red herring. Though im proud of me for my decision at the end choosing H over le ex. hehe...

Oh...and...er what a very odd situation...!!! im not sure if i can make heads or tails of it.

ANYWAY, you are a bad bad bad subconcious, never do it again. Yes, i bet you are laughing at me and telling me what it is that i will do exactly when and if you do misbehave again...

Your's sincerely, Grace's sanity.

dear country,
hiyas, its me, vella. just wanted to say a few things and then i'll be out of your hair.

well, im not really writing to castigate your actions or to call you names. I'm just writing to say, "hey! your alarm clock has been going off for quite some time now. It's time to wake up." I don't mean to be a pain in your ass but the alarm is starting to make me a wee bit nervous just imagine what its doing to the rest of the world!

remember, don't pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

much love until our next missive,
v~

Dear Secret Crush:

You are really making things difficult for me. I know that we are good friends and all, but I'm totally infatuated with you and so it really doesn't help that when we stand next to each other each week at rehearsal, you like to rub my back, give me hugs, laugh at my jokes and smile at me. Would you please stop being quite so vivacious, intelligent, witty, good-natured and attractive? If you don't, I'm going to be more and more tempted to do something about how I feel and that would probably have disastrous consequences for our friendship, not to mention our marriages and families.

Really, I don't mean to be rude, but you should be more considerate.

Sincerely yours,

SG

Dear X

you truly amaze Me. I remember so many times we talked about this same thing. you were complaining about how he was so bossy and manipulative. Using rude words and that loud voice of his. Demanding answers to questions he had no right asking. Always the one controlling things. I was the one in the middle, no matter if it was about Me or not. Somehow I was always dragged into it.

No matter what was happening, he knew best. his opinion was the only one we were supposed to listen to. Years of it. I chose another path. It took Me years to find the real Me.

Yes, you truly amaze Me. Congratulations X. you are him all over again. The one you hated too. you are just like him. And I owe you no explanations for any choices I make in My life. It's too bad you chose that road. It left you thinking I owed you answers. I do not.

you lose

Dear Apartment Manager From Hell:


So what is the fucking gig with trying to poison me?

When I first moved in, you never checked that your cheapo-sleazo cleaning lady had both applied your Superfund-Site-In-A-Can Oven cleaner *and* removed it: she'd done only the first of those and the placed reeked to the roof of caustic poison. You said you'd have it cleaned up by the time I started moving in the next day, but only the visible oven cleaner was gone: the fumes were still polluting the air as I breathed hard with heavy labor of moving.

But that, that was fucking nothing compared to the day you hired someone to refinish the bathtub next door and had him used our shared bath-&-kitchen exhausts to vent the solvent and VOC fumes. They vented right out of that apartment and into this one. Thank fuck I wasn't sleeping late that day, or I might never have woken up.


And then today, your fucking latest. You're going to fumigate staring Monday morning. The means that everything in my apartment is going to get at least dusted with insecticide, And you give me 60 hours notice, over the fucking weekend.

My health problems are at there worst in the mornings, and it is not physically possible for me to get up Monday morning and be out of here by 9:00 am. Poisons aggravate my health problems, and there's no way I'll be able to tolerate staying her Monday night, either. So I have (much leas than 50 hours, now in which to:

- Get the cat to the vet for boarding tomorrow (they're not open on Sunday, so I get to pay for an extra night).
- Find someplace I can stay Monday and Tuesday nights.
- Take *everything* out of all the kitchen & bathroom cupboards, and find a safe place to store it under cover
- Move all the furniture well away from the heating units.
- Lock down anything small and easy to sell to a fence.
- Move all papers, bedding, upholstered furniture, and anything else with a porous surface to someplace where I can cover it with plastic.
- Pack for my enforced exile.
- Oh, yeah, and pay my fucking bills. Just because you're depriving me of the use of my apartment for at least one day, and effectively about 3 days, doesn't mean that *I* can be 10 seconds late with the rent.

You're a fucking lying scum. You still haven't fixed 80% of the stuff you promised me would be done before move-in. The empty apartments crawl with handymen to get them ready to rent quickly, but you just can't find anyone to fix the stuff in my place. I can;t even talk to you because I know I'd start screaming obscenities.

I hate every sleazy fiber of your worthless being.

Very, very sincerely,

- Quince