More Humour

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

- Steven Alan Green

FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

R. Richard said:

FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

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JANFU . . Joint Army-Navy Fuckup
TRISFU . . Tri-Service Fuckup
FUBIJAR . . Fucked up but I'm just a reservist

.
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

TarnishedPenny said:

JANFU . . Joint Army-Navy Fuckup
TRISFU . . Tri-Service Fuckup
FUBIJAR . . Fucked up but I'm just a reservist

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MUPPET . . . Most Useless Person/Prick Ever Trained
FISHDO . . Fuck It, Shit Happens, Drive On
DILLIGAF . Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck
BOHICA . . Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
FIYOYO . . . Fuck It, You're On Your Own

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

I had to go to my mother in laws funeral today , a sad occasion for many there ,my eulogy did not go well .
I happened to mention that because she was being cremated , that this was just a pre cursor to inure her to what hell was going to be like .

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

Ps.

A man followed a young girl into a Target bathroom in Texas saying he identified as a woman.
The man's teeth were knocked out by the girl's father, who says he identifies as the Tooth Fairy.

Two men stood at the pearly gates, one asks the other,
'How did you die then?'
'I froze to death,' he replied 'How about you?'
'Well I thought my wife was having an affair so i came home in the middle of the day to try and catch her out. When I got there sure enough there she was in bed with a big smile on her face but no bloke in sight,'
'What did you do then?'
'I searched the house, I ran down to the basement searched there, Ran up to the first floor searched there, then up to the second floor searched there and found nothing, finally I ran up to the attic and thats where i had my heart attack,'
To which the other man replied,
'You stupid s#d you should have checked the freezer!'

Told to me by a nurse after he stuck the thermometer under my tongue...

Nurse: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer.

Me: I won wo.

Nurse: The taste.

Another bonus thermometer joke...

The doc comes in to the exam room to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his thermometer. "My thermometer," he exclaims, "where ever did I leave my pen."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy the suit, his #$&^ing guide dog bit me."

Handley_Page said:

'You stupid s#d you should have checked the freezer!'

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That reminds me that someone said "You know, if Mama Cass and Karen Carpenter had shared that ham sandwich, they might both be alive today..."

The Rodeo Position

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear,
‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

beachbum1958 said:

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

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The three contestants were looking at Alex Trabec as he read the question.

"Joan, for the lead what was the greatest maritime disaster in history?"

"What is the sinking of the Titanic?"

"Correct... Now Tom you can take the lead if you answer this question correctly. How many lives were lost?"

"What is 1,635, Alex?"

"Correct... Now Jamie, its in your hands. For the half-million dollars, the dream house and the car... What were their names and addresses?"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Paddy O'Conner 97 years of age took himself a mistress a fine young lass of 40. The Paish Priest concerned for Paddy said to him, "Paddy, yer dern fool, dan-cha know that kinda activity... its strenuous, could be fatal..."

Paddy replied, "I leave et 'n God's capable han's, if'n she dies, she dies."

Love and Kisses

Lisa Ann

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A very old man from 'Stamboul
Soliloquized thus to his tool,
"I gave you my wealth,
My youth and my health,
And now you won't pee, you old fool!"

(attributed to Shel Silverstein)

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

The party was getting wild in Las Vegas.
Someone yelled, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
One young lady looked at another. "Actually what happened in Vegas the last time I was here, turns five next week."

There's a chance this one has been posted before. Apologies if it has, but I'm not looking through over 100 pages to check.

***

A man enters a bar and sees a lovely blonde lady sitting at a table all by herself. She looks up and they share a brief look before the woman suddenly sneezes violently and something big and round flies his way. He reflexively catches it and stares at the glass eye in his hand for a moment before walking over to the table and returning it to her.

"Thank you, people usually are grossed out when that happens." The woman takes the glass eye from him and reinserts it. "I'm sorry, please take a seat and let me buy you a drink for the scare."

"It's fine, don't worry about it," the man replied, taking a seat opposite her. They instantly clicked and talked for hours, the woman turning out to be excellent company. Eventually, the man asks: "I can't help but wonder, are you this friendly to every man you come across?"

"Not usually," the woman answers. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Before services the young man walked up to the Parish Priest outside Kilkenny looking very sad.

"What be the matter lad." said the Priest.

"Someone stole my bicycle," said the lad.

"Aw, that's awful," said the Preist, "we were gonna talk about the Ten Commandments today. I'll go real heavy on 'thou shall not steal,' maybe the guilty party will repent and return your bike."

"Thank you Father."

Twenty minutes after services the lad walked up to the Preist and said, "Thank you Father, your sermon worked I got my bike back."

"So, did the guilty party return it?"

"No, when you got to 'thou shal not commit adultery' I remembered where I left it."

GuessImJamie said:

Before services the young man walked up to the Parish Priest outside Kilkenny looking very sad.

"What be the matter lad." said the Priest.

"Someone stole my bicycle," said the lad.

"Aw, that's awful," said the Preist, "we were gonna talk about the Ten Commandments today. I'll go real heavy on 'thou shall not steal,' maybe the guilty party will repent and return your bike."

"Thank you Father."

Twenty minutes after services the lad walked up to the Preist and said, "Thank you Father, your sermon worked I got my bike back."

"So, did the guilty party return it?"

"No, when you got to 'thou shal not commit adultery' I remembered where I left it."

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Older woman enjoying younger man’s energy, oldest story in the world...