Tell a Joke

My opinion of facebook

I'm tired of POKING ...
SPANK me

once you're broke, you'll lose hope lol...


aahh don't mind me, i'm still clouded.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change you hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM . Wake up.'

https://encrypted-tbn0.***********/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSc76lTYn44nSE_QivVQy_VpR0k6Xnz7DPgvBE2uMR4q-Mn1UZm

What do Popeye and sardines have in common?

They both come in olive oil

I got an awesome joke, okay, here goes.....




Anquan Jihad can not lie.





HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!

Really Funny If You Think About It!

Surprising how many people don’t know the facts of the Social Security card and

how it has evolved through the years.

I believe it is important to know...............

History Lesson on Your Social Security Card Just in case some of you young whippersnappers (& some older ones) didn't know this.
It's easy to check out, if you don't believe it. Be sure and show it to your family and friends. They need a little history lesson on what's what and it doesn't matter whether you are Democrat or Republican. Facts are Facts.


Social Security Cards up until the 1980s expressly stated the number and card were not to be used for identification purposes. Since nearly everyone in the United States now has a number, it became convenient to use it anyway and the message, NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION, was removed.


An old Social Security card with the "NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION" message.
Our Social Security

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. He promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be
Completely voluntary,

No longer Voluntary


2.) That the participants would only have to pay
1% of the first $1,400 of their annual
Incomes into the Program,

Now 7.65% on the first $90,000

3.) That the money the participants elected to put
into the Program would be deductible from
their income for tax purposes each year,

No longer tax deductible

4.) That the money the participants put into the
independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the
general operating fund, and therefore, would
only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other
Government program, and,

Under Johnson the money was moved to
The General Fund and Spent

5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Under Clinton & Gore
Up to 85% of your Social Security can be Taxed

Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put away' -- you may be interested in the following:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the
general fund so that Congress could spend it?

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democratically
controlled House and Senate.


------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

A: The Democratic Party.


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social
Security annuities?

A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the
'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the
Senate, while he was Vice President of the US

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Which Political Party decided to start
giving annuity payments to immigrants?

AND MY FAVORITE:

A: That's right!

Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party.
Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!
That is equivalent to 'paying for votes'! (Illegal)You wonder why SS is going broke?

{I have often wondered how someone can bring their

parents here from the Philipines or where ever; parents who

have never worked in this country or paid a single penny into SS could miraculously come here & sign up for & receive SS checks every month. There's something wrong w/that picture!!}!

------------ -- ------------ --------- ----- ------------ --------- ----

Then, after violating the original contract (FICA),
the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me,

I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Wise guys should never be paramedics

Skinny Ralph and Joey Blue Eyes are out in the woods hunting, when suddenly
Ralph grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Joey whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He excitedly gasps to the operator,
“We’re out here in the woods, and my friend had a heart attack. He’s layin there
and I think he’s dead! What should I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my
instructions. First, let's make sure he's really dead.”

There is silence, followed by the sound of a gunshot.

A few seconds later, Joey comes back on the line, “Okay...Now what?”

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of 223 and 9mm ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system". "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

After thinking about it for a few second I asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

LOVE THIS...
A Woman's Life~
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.: )

Bettijo >
>
> Obama was asleep in the white house and awoke to see Washington's ghost. He asked, "George, how can I make this country better?"
>

> Washington said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
>

> Obama went back to sleep and awoke again this time to Thomas Jefferson and asked, "Tom, how can I make this country better?"
>

> Jefferson said, "Love the Constitution like I did"."
>

> Again Obama fell asleep and awoke this time to Lincoln and asked, "Abe, how can I make this country better?"
>

> Lincoln replied, "Go see a play".

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes on the train. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes, than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bugger's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh? ).

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking myself when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require need help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

A newly ordained, naive priest gets assigned to a city parish that happens to include the local "red light" district. After few days go by getting acquainted with the parish staff and grounds, he decides to spend an afternoon walking around the parish getting to know the neighborhood.

Walking down one street, he's approached by a "professional" girl who asks him, "Hey father..how about a blow job? Just 5 bucks." Completely flustered the young priest politely refuses the sales pitch and continues walking. Turning onto the main avenue, another "pro" makes the same offer.."Hey father...5 bucks for a blow job...how 'bout it?" Again the flummoxed priest refuse the woman and turns to walk back to the church. A third woman makes the same offer, the priest refuses and quickens his pace, getting to the rectory just in time for dinner.

After telling his story at dinner, while helping to clear the table, the young priest priest leans in and whispers into the Mother Superior's ear, "Mother Superior...what's a "blow job?" The older nun answers, "5 bucks...same as downtown."

Resurrection

Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things.

Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick
up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced ) Roosevelt said, "Lay down
your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised
Land."

Today, oboma has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price
of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy,
the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. .
I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City .
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab .
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this. ).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."