How to know if boyfriend would be a good dominant? I'm unsure....

Here's the question! Hi all btw, first post
I have the same boyfriend for the last two years. I'm 42, he's 52. Sexually, we are doing okay. It's not the best, it's not the worst but we do have a constant connection and we both achieve orgasm 99% of the time.
But the thing is...I've always always had a strong desire to be spanked and dominated in a mild way by a man. And I've never been able to really achieve that for the same reason: Men i've been with all had an aggressive nature.
It scares me since i don't wanna end up beaten up or something, because one could not control his anger. My present boyfriend and i had a discussion last nite about this and he was like: Yeahhhh i'll tie you up real good and you won't be able to do a damn thing, i'll decide everything, you'll be like this and that etc, you'll serve me, yada yada....
I said it was not exactly how it works, that things had to be discussed and both partners had to agree but...he disagreed saying " what's your point of wanting to be dominated then ? I get to decide it all or nothing"
So, i forgot that idea right away. That's not appealing.

Is there such thing as a man who is not suitable for this, who doesn't understand how it works? I would never let myself being tied up by him, i'd be scared to death!
It's like some men, you can't give them that kinda power over you, they'll abuse it.
Right?

lavenderblue42 said:

Here's the question! Hi all btw, first post
I have the same boyfriend for the last two years. I'm 42, he's 52. Sexually, we are doing okay. It's not the best, it's not the worst but we do have a constant connection and we both achieve orgasm 99% of the time.
But the thing is...I've always always had a strong desire to be spanked and dominated in a mild way by a man. And I've never been able to really achieve that for the same reason: Men i've been with all had an aggressive nature.
It scares me since i don't wanna end up beaten up or something, because one could not control his anger. My present boyfriend and i had a discussion last nite about this and he was like: Yeahhhh i'll tie you up real good and you won't be able to do a damn thing, i'll decide everything, you'll be like this and that etc, you'll serve me, yada yada....
I said it was not exactly how it works, that things had to be discussed and both partners had to agree but...he disagreed saying " what's your point of wanting to be dominated then ? I get to decide it all or nothing"
So, i forgot that idea right away. That's not appealing.

Is there such thing as a man who is not suitable for this, who doesn't understand how it works? I would never let myself being tied up by him, i'd be scared to death!
It's like some men, you can't give them that kinda power over you, they'll abuse it.
Right?

Click to expand...

Trust is essential in any dom / sub relationship. Unfortunately it sounds like that may be an issue in your circumstances.

Oh, and welcome to lit!

lavenderblue42 said:

Here's the question! Hi all btw, first post
I have the same boyfriend for the last two years. I'm 42, he's 52. Sexually, we are doing okay. It's not the best, it's not the worst but we do have a constant connection and we both achieve orgasm 99% of the time.
But the thing is...I've always always had a strong desire to be spanked and dominated in a mild way by a man. And I've never been able to really achieve that for the same reason: Men i've been with all had an aggressive nature.
It scares me since i don't wanna end up beaten up or something, because one could not control his anger. My present boyfriend and i had a discussion last nite about this and he was like: Yeahhhh i'll tie you up real good and you won't be able to do a damn thing, i'll decide everything, you'll be like this and that etc, you'll serve me, yada yada....
I said it was not exactly how it works, that things had to be discussed and both partners had to agree but...he disagreed saying " what's your point of wanting to be dominated then ? I get to decide it all or nothing"
So, i forgot that idea right away. That's not appealing.

Is there such thing as a man who is not suitable for this, who doesn't understand how it works? I would never let myself being tied up by him, i'd be scared to death!
It's like some men, you can't give them that kinda power over you, they'll abuse it.
Right?

Click to expand...

Welcome to Lit

I am sorry to hear about your past relationships with men. I am glad that you have gotten out of them, and I hope that you have sought out therapy/support in order to break the cycle .

Not all women and men are hardwired for BDSM - and that is okay. It has nothing to do with understanding how it works, but rather they just don't see the appeal to it, and that is okay.

There is a very very very wide line between being dominant and being abusive. Aggressive, on the other hand, is just how one pursues something (in my book). Many dominant people - men and women - are aggressive. Many dominant people - men and women - are not. Many aggressive men and women are not dominant, but would never ever abuse any power.

A dominant individual does not take out their anger on their partner unless it within a specific scene context. Most dominants I know, my all included, will actually refuse to participate in a scene if something has ticked them off. Dominance, for them, is a sexual identity and not how they treat other people. No dominant or top worth his or her salt will abuse their power. The only ones who will abuse their power are those who are abusers. I know that this harsh, but in my experience, this is the reality.

The key component in any successful relationship, be it BDSM, non-kink, business, friendship, you name it, is communication. Within the rubric of communication is listening and acknowledging the other. You may not agree to it, but if you do not listen, what you have is not a mutually supportive relationship but rather a dictatorship and unequal distribution of power.

It seems to me, from what you have described, is that your boyfriend does not understand some of the principles of a relationship. Yes, you may get off with being dominated. In your book, for you, dominance means light spanking and mild dominance. You need to define what those terms means and communicate that to your partner, which you did. Your partner refused to listen and to acknowledge your concerns - and this is extremely worrisome.

It also indicates (to me, at least) that you do not fully trust your partner. I get it that you have had bad experiences with men. Trust me, I so get that and how it colours your current experiences. That said, if you do not trust your partner to keep you safe in a potentially dangerous environment, how can you trust him with your well-being?

Without complete trust, one should not really have a relationship, much less entertain the idea of introducing a BDSM component in their relationship.

Good luck

Doesn't sound "the worst" at all...

but wait...

Orgasm 99% of the time and it's not "the best?" That's some high standards, there.

I figure if at least somebody had an orgasm, I did OK.

Rainshine said:

There's a LOT more to good sex than an orgasm.

Click to expand...

Yeah. Like that nap immediately after you have one?

query said:

Doesn't sound "the worst" at all...

but wait...

Orgasm 99% of the time and it's not "the best?" That's some high standards, there.

I figure if at least somebody had an orgasm, I did OK.

Click to expand...

Does that person have to be present?

I roll my eyes after reading much of whats posted to this board. The queries are often silly and the replies are typicially absurd. This board is often an epistemological clown-car.

A good rule of thumb for shepherding lost lambs is: IF YOU CANT TOTE IT IN A WHEEL-BARROW OR PAIL OR IN A BOX CAR, IT AINT REAL. Things like luv, empathy, patriotism, nobility are NOMINALIZATIONS, that is, thingifying processes and sentiments and beliefs and other transient sensory/mental experience. I once spent a night fulla rage until my skin erupted with measles about dawn, measles are real, rage is a nominalization. I've known two people who died of brain cancers their MDs tagged schizophrenia. Tumors are real for you can fill up a bucket with them. Who knows what in hell schizophrenia is! It sounds awful but could be the wind.

Dominance is a nominalization and, for my money, happy horseshit when it comes to reality. You cannot grab it by the ass and throw it in a cage. Ditto communication and all the other fluffy bull shit we sputter and blabber about. If you want someone to spank your ass with a pool noodle make your want clear and concrete.

lavenderblue42

Don't judge all men by your current boyfriend and don't judge all men the same way. Your wishes can be met by the right man, but it taked understanding and trust on both parts. I'll send you a PM.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Dominance is a nominalization and, for my money, happy horseshit when it comes to reality. You cannot grab it by the ass and throw it in a cage. Ditto communication and all the other fluffy bull shit we sputter and blabber about. If you want someone to spank your ass with a pool noodle make your want clear and concrete.

Click to expand...

Do the pool noodles need to be brought in a wheelbarrow?

query said:

Doesn't sound "the worst" at all...

but wait...

Orgasm 99% of the time and it's not "the best?" That's some high standards, there.

I figure if at least somebody had an orgasm, I did OK.

Click to expand...

Sorry, french canadian here and i expressed myself the wrong way!
I didn't mean that my orgasms aren't all great, cause they are.
I meant that sex is ok, but not the best. He lives with his ill mother and she's always always there. She walked on us several times and we have no privacy whatsoever.
So yes, sex itself as the act is great, i achieve orgasm most of the time with him and so does he, if he's not drunk. But the ambiance, the circumstances around sex isn't all that great. We never get out of his bedroom, there's never any novelty because he's upset with changes. We cannot go to a hotel room because he finds that ridiculous while we have a bed at our disposition. He doesn't get my needs to be wild, to get it rough, to have some escapades.

But i decided not to be too bothered by it this morning since i'm not even sure of our future as a couple. We have some major difficulties ahead of us.
He has a cocaine addiction and he swore to me that it's over but....i don't believe him at all. His behavior suggests often that he's high on it, mostly around Saturdays BUT i don't have any proof other than his behavior. I've found empty bags hidden in the past but im certain that he's super cautious now....( if he uses again) I gave him a chance after he admitted it to me but, it's stressing me out too much. I have problems concentrating at work cause i always wonder if he's using while i'm not there, and that i would have no way knowing it. I feel a lot of anxiety as xmas approaches, i'm gonna work a lot and he's gonna be on his own. His brother also visits and i know he's also a cocaine user. Seems to be a family tradition, such crap....I've never even smoked a joint in my life, i don't even drink alcool or wine. I find it hard. On one hand i want him to succeed and get rid of his dependency and...on the other side i'm a realist. He didn't seek for any help. He's 52 and told me he did that crap on and off for 20 years. Why would he stop for me all in a sudden? I think he's just gonna be more cautious and do it anyway, because he thinks that snorting a line once in a while every week end was fine.
Shitty reasoning, but i can't control him, he has control over his life.
Most important is that i love him, i hope he tells me the truth, and that if ever i caught him doing it again after he promised to stop, it's just over.
Voila.

Aphroditiac said:

Click to expand...

Pool noodles are perfect insulation for water pipes. Cut them to length, slice them open their whole length, and cover the exposed pipe...pool noodles are hollow.

Rainshine said:

There's a LOT more to good sex than an orgasm.

Click to expand...

Only if you get paid, too.

Lavender,

If your gut says he's using--he most likely is, and you don't want to give over your physical well being, where you could get seriously hurt, to a guy who is inexperienced as a Dom, doesn't seem big on the safety aspects or your concerns regarding your safety, and is high. That is a recipe for disaster with or without pool noodles!

lavenderblue42 said:

Sorry, french canadian here and i expressed myself the wrong way!
I didn't mean that my orgasms aren't all great, cause they are.
I meant that sex is ok, but not the best. He lives with his ill mother and she's always always there. She walked on us several times and we have no privacy whatsoever.
So yes, sex itself as the act is great, i achieve orgasm most of the time with him and so does he, if he's not drunk. But the ambiance, the circumstances around sex isn't all that great. We never get out of his bedroom, there's never any novelty because he's upset with changes. We cannot go to a hotel room because he finds that ridiculous while we have a bed at our disposition. He doesn't get my needs to be wild, to get it rough, to have some escapades.

But i decided not to be too bothered by it this morning since i'm not even sure of our future as a couple. We have some major difficulties ahead of us.
He has a cocaine addiction and he swore to me that it's over but....i don't believe him at all. His behavior suggests often that he's high on it, mostly around Saturdays BUT i don't have any proof other than his behavior. I've found empty bags hidden in the past but im certain that he's super cautious now....( if he uses again) I gave him a chance after he admitted it to me but, it's stressing me out too much. I have problems concentrating at work cause i always wonder if he's using while i'm not there, and that i would have no way knowing it. I feel a lot of anxiety as xmas approaches, i'm gonna work a lot and he's gonna be on his own. His brother also visits and i know he's also a cocaine user. Seems to be a family tradition, such crap....I've never even smoked a joint in my life, i don't even drink alcool or wine. I find it hard. On one hand i want him to succeed and get rid of his dependency and...on the other side i'm a realist. He didn't seek for any help. He's 52 and told me he did that crap on and off for 20 years. Why would he stop for me all in a sudden? I think he's just gonna be more cautious and do it anyway, because he thinks that snorting a line once in a while every week end was fine.
Shitty reasoning, but i can't control him, he has control over his life.
Most important is that i love him, i hope he tells me the truth, and that if ever i caught him doing it again after he promised to stop, it's just over.
Voila.

Click to expand...

You're probably from around my neck of the woods, then

Lavenderblue, if you are not sure if he is telling you the truth, then how can you trust him with anything?

Here is the sad truth about addiction: only the addict can change. An outside person cannot make the addict change and cannot heal them. And yes, people do change for others. A previous boyfriend quit smoking for me because kissing him was like kissing an ashtray. I know it's not the same as cocaine, but he was very addicted and still quit for me.

I am sure you are aware of long term implications of continued cocaine use, particularly with the effects it has on personality, impulse control and mood swings? If not, then please read up on it, and that way you have the complete picture in making a fully informed decision for you.

I understand that you love him. But it seems that you do not trust him - and if so, you can definitely not trust him in a scene (especially if he gives you that response). If you can't fully trust your partner, how can you have a healthy relationship?

Just a thought.

Bonne chance