Lifestyle

I've been pondering this for awhile. I've started to read phrases like, 'I'm new to this lifestyle,' or 'I'm new to this world,' or 'I've been in the lifestyle for xx years,' and I kind of roll my eyes. I think I'm having trouble with the use of these words and the insinuation that BDSM or d/s or m/s is somehow part of a whole other planet. And the insinuation that your entire life has to transform to enjoy BDSM.

Lifestyle conjures up images of someone that starts trying to change their whole life around like throwing out all junk food and rearranging their furniture to be more feng shui.

Only it looks more like making a list of things you want someone else to do and decorating a room in your house in black and red with modified Ikea furniture.

So, what do you think of these phrases? Like, dislike, have a better way of looking at it? I am just struggling to get the image of a lifestyle magazine out of my head and would love to hear other interpretations and views on the subject. I suspect I'll see some POV changing perspectives and I look forward to it, because I really dislike thinking in such a cynical manner.

I kind of read "lifestyle" to be something that drives the pulse and pace of your life. So if the stuff that falls under your BDSM umbrella is a medium or framework for how you approach your day to day stuff then it's a "lifestyle".

If you keep the furniture black because it's good feng shui and central to feeling right and whole, then that would maybe fall under "I live a feng shui lifestyle". If you spend a Saturday geeking out in feng shui and paint all your furniture black but then keep it that way because you just like black furniture, not so much?

The word "lifestyle" seems to be about the rules that run your life stuff. Kind of makes sense to me that rules and agreements are core to most BDSM stuff regardless if they are written and signed in triplicate or an understanding that is negotiated and held as mutual agreements between consenting adults.

Maybe?

I'll be interested to see what people who actually use it to describe their own lives mean by the word "lifestyle." My sense is that for a certain (possibly large?) subset of people who regularly practice some elements of BDSM, the word serves as a signal for something, possibly that they participate in their local BDSM or leather community. For them it means that BDSM is a part of both their private and their publuic lives. Others may use it differently, of course, and it will be interesting to see what everyone has to say.

It bugs me too because I suspect it is overused and many (not all) people who use it don't actually consider BDSM their lifestyle, it's just the thing you say because you want to be "in".

There's my cynical take on it.

OK, here's perhaps a kinder less curmudgeonly response. I haven't had any coffee all day (only tea).

I think the idea of a "lifestyle" comes from people who are more into the social aspects of BDSM, and maybe perhaps a sub-culture that involves different dress. A good parallel I can think of is people who consider themselves goths. The whole thing is totally alien to me because I more or less identify as vanilla. Except I have kinky sex with S&M and a clear power exchange so I guess I can't get away with calling myself vanilla.

My problem with the word "lifestyle" is that it's been too long equated with gay people, and it's usually shorthand for conservatives to say, "Well, it's really a style of life they've chosen." And we know that it's not really a choice at all, any more than many of our other sexual proclivities are simply choices, things we can dispense with whenever it becomes inconvenient. It's part of who we are, who we've accepted ourselves to be. We pursue this course because it enhances our lives in ways that others may not understand.

Maybe "life track" would be better?

In the 80s, when I was first a learning sub and then a sub with a dom, we called it being in 'the scene.' It fit, in the sense that the rest of the time I was just my "public" me, relatively autonomous and on my own. When we got together to play either alone or at a club, then I assumed my submissive role fully. I thought of it, then, like the wonderful chances I was given to put on my comfy PJ's and be my full self.

Now, with Master, most of the time I get to be entirely me, and while I don't think I'd use "lifestyle" as our primary descriptive, I wouldn't deny that it fits, either. We have our ups and downs, but when I find myself wondering who I am or who I'm trying to be, it's nearly always 'his slave' first. We don't play in public (I have mixed feelings on that), we don't socialize with other known D/s people, so I guess we fail those definitions for 'lifestyle.' Still, that seems to be the simplest way to describe us. The Master/slave dynamic is always there, just closer to the surface sometimes more than others.

MeekMe said:

I've been pondering this for awhile. I've started to read phrases like, 'I'm new to this lifestyle,' or 'I'm new to this world,' or 'I've been in the lifestyle for xx years,' and I kind of roll my eyes. I think I'm having trouble with the use of these words and the insinuation that BDSM or d/s or m/s is somehow part of a whole other planet. And the insinuation that your entire life has to transform to enjoy BDSM.

Click to expand...

Yeah, that's pretty much where I sit. For some people it clearly is a lifestyle and that's cool with me, I wish them all happiness. But for me it's not a lifestyle, just a thing that I enjoy doing; it doesn't colour every moment of my life.

It wouldn't bother me much except that we do seem to get newbies now and then who want to know if they're allowed to do something less than 24/7 and still call themselves a BDSMer, and I think talking about "lifestyle" as if it's the only option might contribute to that.

MeekMe said:

I've been pondering this for awhile. I've started to read phrases like, 'I'm new to this lifestyle,' or 'I'm new to this world,' or 'I've been in the lifestyle for xx years,' and I kind of roll my eyes. I think I'm having trouble with the use of these words and the insinuation that BDSM or d/s or m/s is somehow part of a whole other planet. And the insinuation that your entire life has to transform to enjoy BDSM.

Lifestyle conjures up images of someone that starts trying to change their whole life around like throwing out all junk food and rearranging their furniture to be more feng shui.

Only it looks more like making a list of things you want someone else to do and decorating a room in your house in black and red with modified Ikea furniture.

So, what do you think of these phrases? Like, dislike, have a better way of looking at it? I am just struggling to get the image of a lifestyle magazine out of my head and would love to hear other interpretations and views on the subject. I suspect I'll see some POV changing perspectives and I look forward to it, because I really dislike thinking in such a cynical manner.

Click to expand...

I have a feeling what that phrase was meant to mean and how it gets used by a lot of people is vastly different these days. I have used it in the past, when meeting new people (especially online.) In my instance, we would use it to indicate experience level or how active they are in the public community.

I would assume that when the phrasing first began it was mostly meant to signal how long they had been involved in the public scene (such as munches/play parties) and has later become a indicator of how much experience they have in real life (if any.)

Curious_in_Cali said:

I kind of read "lifestyle" to be something that drives the pulse and pace of your life. So if the stuff that falls under your BDSM umbrella is a medium or framework for how you approach your day to day stuff then it's a "lifestyle".

If you keep the furniture black because it's good feng shui and central to feeling right and whole, then that would maybe fall under "I live a feng shui lifestyle". If you spend a Saturday geeking out in feng shui and paint all your furniture black but then keep it that way because you just like black furniture, not so much?

The word "lifestyle" seems to be about the rules that run your life stuff. Kind of makes sense to me that rules and agreements are core to most BDSM stuff regardless if they are written and signed in triplicate or an understanding that is negotiated and held as mutual agreements between consenting adults.

Maybe?

Click to expand...

Well, "lifestyle" seems to be a pretty complex word and can encompass a lot of different things. So I think you're right in that it is something that drives the pulse and pace of your life.

midwestyankee said:

I'll be interested to see what people who actually use it to describe their own lives mean by the word "lifestyle." My sense is that for a certain (possibly large?) subset of people who regularly practice some elements of BDSM, the word serves as a signal for something, possibly that they participate in their local BDSM or leather community. For them it means that BDSM is a part of both their private and their publuic lives. Others may use it differently, of course, and it will be interesting to see what everyone has to say.

Click to expand...

I feel like it's a word that is appropriate for those that actually use it to describe their way of handling daily life. I can completely understand it in the context of those that are heavily involved in their local community. I'm sure I've used the word, but I find myself trying to get around it. I get very uncomfortable with the word, "lifestyle" when talking about myself. I don't feel like my lifestyle is best described as being heavily influenced by BDSM. There is some influence, but it's not the same as say a "green lifestyle" in which you do your best to lower your carbon foot print.

SpunThings said:

It bugs me too because I suspect it is overused and many (not all) people who use it don't actually consider BDSM their lifestyle, it's just the thing you say because you want to be "in".

There's my cynical take on it.

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Perhaps, if I'm not mistaken, most everything I've read has talked about BDSM in terms of a lifestyle. I see a lot of informative literature that tends to speak in terms of 24/7 with just a small portion on bedroom only. What's a better word for we have a system that isn't quite m/s and we make appropriate decisions based on what's needed but we still have a d/s kind of thing that works and we're kinky in the bedroom?

Gianbattista said:

When I read lifestyle I presume tht for these people the bdsm is an intrinsic part of their relationship that is always present ( 24/7) and that is a vital part of the relationship.
'

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SpunThings said:

OK, here's perhaps a kinder less curmudgeonly response. I haven't had any coffee all day (only tea).

I think the idea of a "lifestyle" comes from people who are more into the social aspects of BDSM, and maybe perhaps a sub-culture that involves different dress. A good parallel I can think of is people who consider themselves goths. The whole thing is totally alien to me because I more or less identify as vanilla. Except I have kinky sex with S&M and a clear power exchange so I guess I can't get away with calling myself vanilla.

Click to expand...

Athalia said:

My problem with the word "lifestyle" is that it's been too long equated with gay people, and it's usually shorthand for conservatives to say, "Well, it's really a style of life they've chosen." And we know that it's not really a choice at all, any more than many of our other sexual proclivities are simply choices, things we can dispense with whenever it becomes inconvenient. It's part of who we are, who we've accepted ourselves to be. We pursue this course because it enhances our lives in ways that others may not understand.

Maybe "life track" would be better?

Click to expand...

I'm seeing a pattern here. Though, I feel like "life track" is like planning out things you want to accomplish by certain times in your life. Like saying you want to own a house by the age of 30.

I'm starting to feel like lifestyle isn't the silliest word to use. Though I'm really contemplating the BDSM Lifestyles mag where the articles are about the latest in BDSM fashion, home decor, etiquette, etc. etc. Think "Better Homes & Gardens" but with crops and catsuits.

desertslave said:

In the 80s, when I was first a learning sub and then a sub with a dom, we called it being in 'the scene.' It fit, in the sense that the rest of the time I was just my "public" me, relatively autonomous and on my own. When we got together to play either alone or at a club, then I assumed my submissive role fully. I thought of it, then, like the wonderful chances I was given to put on my comfy PJ's and be my full self.

Now, with Master, most of the time I get to be entirely me, and while I don't think I'd use "lifestyle" as our primary descriptive, I wouldn't deny that it fits, either. We have our ups and downs, but when I find myself wondering who I am or who I'm trying to be, it's nearly always 'his slave' first. We don't play in public (I have mixed feelings on that), we don't socialize with other known D/s people, so I guess we fail those definitions for 'lifestyle.' Still, that seems to be the simplest way to describe us. The Master/slave dynamic is always there, just closer to the surface sometimes more than others.

Click to expand...

It sounds appropriate in this context. It's something that comes first and influences your life in its entirety.

Bramblethorn said:

Yeah, that's pretty much where I sit. For some people it clearly is a lifestyle and that's cool with me, I wish them all happiness. But for me it's not a lifestyle, just a thing that I enjoy doing; it doesn't colour every moment of my life.

It wouldn't bother me much except that we do seem to get newbies now and then who want to know if they're allowed to do something less than 24/7 and still call themselves a BDSMer, and I think talking about "lifestyle" as if it's the only option might contribute to that.

Click to expand...

I think you've said what I am feeling perfectly. Anything less the 24/7 seems to get dumped on in some cases. It's the way I feel when I see things like "24/7 for real." Wait, you mean some people are only 24/7 for pretend? Or anything less the 24/7 isn't real?

MsAmative said:

I have a feeling what that phrase was meant to mean and how it gets used by a lot of people is vastly different these days. I have used it in the past, when meeting new people (especially online.) In my instance, we would use it to indicate experience level or how active they are in the public community.

I would assume that when the phrasing first began it was mostly meant to signal how long they had been involved in the public scene (such as munches/play parties) and has later become a indicator of how much experience they have in real life (if any.)

Click to expand...

I've heard it being used this way. "I've been in the lifestyle for x years," is a common phrase.

This is making me think. Let's say Joe Average joins the forum and he's only ever had vanilla relationships. He wants to have a more "BDSM lifestyle" or he's really interested in the "d/s lifestyle." Can he say he has experience in the "lifestyle" if he doesn't find a partner to enjoy it with in real life (or even online)? Like he's decided to start introducing these things but for whatever reason goes months/years without finding an appropriate partner. Does it only count as a lifestyle if someone else does it with you? Are there practices he can introduce in his life that would be considered a lifestyle change without it involving other people?

MsAmative said:

I have a feeling what that phrase was meant to mean and how it gets used by a lot of people is vastly different these days. I have used it in the past, when meeting new people (especially online.) In my instance, we would use it to indicate experience level or how active they are in the public community.

I would assume that when the phrasing first began it was mostly meant to signal how long they had been involved in the public scene (such as munches/play parties) and has later become a indicator of how much experience they have in real life (if any.)

Click to expand...

I've been BDSMing for almost 20 years, but I've never been involved in the public scene. While I appreciate that there's a lot to be said for learning the ropes from a live community, I'm also shy of strange people, especially where intimate personal stuff is concerned.

Bramblethorn said:

I've been BDSMing for almost 20 years, but I've never been involved in the public scene. While I appreciate that there's a lot to be said for learning the ropes from a live community, I'm also shy of strange people, especially where intimate personal stuff is concerned.

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I haven't been BDSMing for very long and the plan isn't to join in on community events. Maybe, but probably not going to happen. I prefer to keep this to myself. There's no reason for me to go meet local people (I also don't want to know about their personal stuff).

We've had kinky elements, and BDSM elements from very early so I've been doing it a long time, and also have no desire to join any community (outside online).

I think what is happening is that most "bedroom only" people probably aren't interested in reading up on theory, discussion, etc. The few of us that are not quite so fervent, or into 24/7, but DO enjoy in depth discussions about our interests are in the minority in the active online discussions.

Because I would bet that more people are into more moderate BDSM (not 24/7, and not spending a large portion of their free time on it, not participating in events).

Hm, we focused on lifestyle, but how about when someone uses a phrase like, "this world is so new to me."

Or I've come across a profile that said something like, 'I've always liked [insert thing] even in my vanilla life,' as if they are no longer that person or living the same life.

Do we become new people after checking the BDSM box? Are we no longer "vanilla" ourselves?

MeekMe said:

So, what do you think of these phrases?

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I think the discussions about these phrases are the worst part of this lifestyle.

Primalex said:

I think the discussions about these phrases are the worst part of this lifestyle.

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How so? You tend to make good points so I would love to hear more from you on this.

In my opinion, lifestyle implies that it influences the structure of your daily routine and the way you communicate which would be 24/7 or close to that. It could also imply that you are active socially with others. World is just silly to me. It's an activity, not something from another planet. I wouldn't use lifestyle for myself as we are bedroom only and not involved in bdsm socially.

MeekMe said:

Hm, we focused on lifestyle, but how about when someone uses a phrase like, "this world is so new to me."

Or I've come across a profile that said something like, 'I've always liked [insert thing] even in my vanilla life,' as if they are no longer that person or living the same life.

Do we become new people after checking the BDSM box? Are we no longer "vanilla" ourselves?

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Quite possibly. I am nearing the end of four-year waiting period for my New Dominance Personality Transplant. It's supposed to increase one's love of sadism, raise testosterone levels to a near Bruce Banner-like level, and make the receiver tun instantly tumescent at the sound of rustling pubic hairs. I can't wait. [/hijack]

midwestyankee said:

Quite possibly. I am nearing the end of four-year waiting period for my New Dominance Personality Transplant. It's supposed to increase one's love of sadism, raise testosterone levels to a near Bruce Banner-like level, and make the receiver tun instantly tumescent at the sound of rustling pubic hairs. I can't wait. [/hijack]

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I needed this smile. You can hijack my thread anytime. This little bit of humor always helps me.

This thread, much like many that I make is really about introspection. I get hung up on these words and I can't really figure out what it is that bothers me. I think in pictures and feelings and often words come out all mangled. Seriously, people who have received greeting cards from me can tell.

Anyway, I appreciate all of the replies. My view has softened a little.

I would say that most people who use terms like lifestyle/world/scene are excited to self-identify as part of an edgy subculture, or genuinely feel that they are making a conscious departure from whatever they previously considered themselves a part of. Some folks like the idea that they are undergoing a stage of growth or transformation, and the label of a lifestyle is almost like a mantra. Some people really just fall in love with the social aspects of the subculture and are proud to consider themselves members of a group that is freer/more honest/edgier in their eyes.

Personally, while I've had friends who were into various kinds of kink that generally fall under the BDSM umbrella, and we've had conversations with them that we couldn't easily have with the uninitiated in general, neither I nor most of the women I have ever been involved with are particularly extroverted. I personally enjoy meeting new people with common interests, and enjoy building strong friendships, I don't find any particular group always gets me. Being a musician, it's always easy to talk about music with other people who make or are passionate about music. Same goes with techy sorts of people, people who enjoy spending time in nature, psychonauts, people who believe that individual liberty is the most essential trait to a successful society, fans of various kinds of movies, food, cars, etc. I am interested in lots of things and enjoy discussing them, especially with people that I can learn from or teach something new to. Unfortunately, being social drains me, particularly with people I don't already know, so I am much more likely to connect with an interest or an individual person than the concept of a lifestyle.

Someone send the whiny bitch the official decoder ring and a supervisor size bottle of sedatives.

Calling it a lifestyle is easy for me....as I am learning I am changing and it's a part of my life now....albeit new.

Sam xx