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the marks of a slave

eastern sun said:
This is bullshit.
Click to expand...

He walked in while I was writing earlier. He thinks I'm misrepresenting the situation.

It's true. Though I'm concerned about my ex's feelings, that's not what's making me feel so defensive.

It's my own feelings that will be toyed with. And that's why I am resisting what he's asking of me.

If I offer up my feelings for him to play with, will I be able to still them when the game is done?

I've run into trouble before, when my feelings got away from me and ran like a wild elephant trampling everything in their path.
 
eastern sun said:
He walked in while I was writing earlier. He thinks I'm misrepresenting the situation.

It's true. Though I'm concerned about my ex's feelings, that's not what's making me feel so defensive.

It's my own feelings that will be toyed with. And that's why I am resisting what he's asking of me.

If I offer up my feelings for him to play with, will I be able to still them when the game is done?

I've run into trouble before, when my feelings got away from me and ran like a wild elephant trampling everything in their path.
Click to expand...

Indeed... Our feelings are most powerful when they overtake us, like huge ocean waves... pushing, pulling, tossing, taking us away.

Thank God for making us such emotional creatures. A blessing in disguise. Of course, when we judge our emotions, or try to resist them, their power over us just becomes overwhelming.

You can do this. You're a woman of exceptional strength and grace. I'll be thinking of you.

I've taken a second job. It's supporting me and my precious daughter. I am grateful but I feel sad. It's not what I would like to be doing. I hardly have time to think. I am somewhat in service to others, so it has its good points, I suppose.

Take good care of yourself.

Namaste... :heart:
 
eastern sun said:
This is bullshit.

I'm wrong.
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I am sorry for butting in but you are not wrong. No matter the games you play you are a person who deserves respect from those who love you and you should not have to make choices between your mate and your Father. If your mate can not understand your time with your Father and work and others, well in my count for nothing opinion, he is not much.

If hitting you in public makes his day and now not hitting you in public upsets him then he needs to get two jobs.

He is one damn lucky man to have you and needs to thank you every day.

Excuse my butting in but I had to say that
 
4yourpleasureiam said:
I am sorry for butting in but you are not wrong. No matter the games you play you are a person who deserves respect from those who love you and you should not have to make choices between your mate and your Father. If your mate can not understand your time with your Father and work and others, well in my count for nothing opinion, he is not much.

If hitting you in public makes his day and now not hitting you in public upsets him then he needs to get two jobs.

He is one damn lucky man to have you and needs to thank you every day.
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Thank you so much for defending me.

I am very fortunate that he shares your perspective, not necessarily by thanking me every day - that's not his style - but by knowing that he is lucky to have me. :)

We were just saying to each other today how much we respected each other and our recent accomplishments. I am truly a very fortunate woman.

In our relationship, I'm afraid that I get off on being smacked even more than he gets off on hitting me. That's why I have to be so careful.

When we're in the throes of our game, I can forget what it looks like from an outside perspective - and, given my position in the community at the moment - it could cost me my job if we were misunderstood. Even our conversations - if heard in public - could be misconstrued and lead to false assumptions.

It's one reason why I like to share on this board. If we're misunderstood here, it won't jeopardize our family or our livelihood (hopefully). But, even better, we might be understood for what we are. :D

P.S. I'm curious about the verses in your signature. Did you write them?
 
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easternsun I hope you don't mind that I bumped this but I have been thinking about this thread and my own situation lately.

It is coming up to 10 years that I have been in my D/s relationship and I am doing one of the most submissive acts I have ever had to do. Complete confrontation avoidance. I have finally reached the point where it doesn't feel like it's just shut-up-and-suck-it-up. I am reaping the rewards of just privately sorting things out in my head instead of asking questions and needing answers.

I am normally confrontation adverse but my way to avoid it has always been to quietly try to talk things out. Now I am just keeping my mouth shut.

The strange thing is that I don't resent it, not anymore. It may take a minute, and really just a minute or two, to process whatever is happening but then I have learned to let it go instead of letting it eat at me.

The result is that delicious submissive feeling in a steady even kind of way.

Peaceful obedience. What a great way to enter into the 2nd decade of our relationship.
 
Adding a 'me too' and a hug.

I was rereading portions of this thread yesterday and today. There are difficult undercurrents in my life at the moment, and I'm trying very hard to learn peaceful obedience. I grew up being praised for asking why and exploring how things worked. It's frustrating when the answers are unclear or uncertain, and I'm struggling to find my way to simple acceptance. This thread is helping. :rose:
 
My :heart: to you!

This is the first time I've logged on for months . . . what a delight to see this thread! I miss it too, though I'm very proud of the work I'm doing and the contributions I am able to make in my community.

I use the skills that I have developed as a slave every day in my work. It has been noted "and she's still smiling . . ." Being a full-time slave has profoundly changed my notion of suffering.

I think that's what I'm hearing in your post, ecstatic sub. :)
 
A couple of days ago I hit a barrier, though.

He said, "the only version of truth is mine." It was a stumbling block, because I had a different version. One in which I had no doubt.

I have learned not to talk back, (it doesn't do anything but cause unnecessary conflict), but I still had to whisper my own truth to myself in order to proceed.
 
My first reaction when I discover his erection is fear. A warm sleepy morning is suddenly threatening and I have to keep myself from recoiling.

It isn't fear of something that I know I won't want. It's fear that I won't be able to handle what's coming.

And it takes tremendous concentration to stay.
 
eastern sun said:
A couple of days ago I hit a barrier, though.

He said, "the only version of truth is mine." It was a stumbling block, because I had a different version. One in which I had no doubt.

I have learned not to talk back, (it doesn't do anything but cause unnecessary conflict), but I still had to whisper my own truth to myself in order to proceed.
Click to expand...

This sounds very similar to how I have felt on occasion. I can usually quite easily handle it as long as no action is necessary. I can keep my mouth shut. However, it is much more difficult if his version of the truth then demands an action from me that would go against my own version that I know to be true. It's a careful balancing act to somehow work it all out.
 
Talking back is one of my greatest downfalls. And it's not just the talking, it's also the viewpoint I tend to be coming from. Master sees me as arguing, but sometimes it's that I might see things that he doesn't. More often than not he appreciates my input, but when he's in an "I'm right" frame of mind, it's a different story. MY problem is that I don't always perceive where he's at until it's too late.

I've tried just being quiet and/or agreeable no matter what, but eventually that will annoy him too. <sigh>
 
re: first draft of script

eastern sun said:
My first reaction when I discover his erection is fear. A warm sleepy morning is suddenly threatening and I have to keep myself from recoiling.

It isn't fear of something that I know I won't want. It's fear that I won't be able to handle what's coming.

And it takes tremendous concentration to stay.
Click to expand...

This sounds like a setup for a horror film or a really, really bad sex comedy.
 
eastern sun said:
A couple of days ago I hit a barrier, though.

He said, "the only version of truth is mine." It was a stumbling block, because I had a different version. One in which I had no doubt.

I have learned not to talk back, (it doesn't do anything but cause unnecessary conflict), but I still had to whisper my own truth to myself in order to proceed.
Click to expand...

My heart is yours dear friend Please be at peace I have yearned for your return but not at this expense to you.
 
This feels like a good place to bury a few thoughts...

I started seeing someone about a month ago. Freakishly easy to be around, and conversations about D/s and kink have been open from the start. The interesting bit, is that he's in the early stages of figuring this stuff out, whereas I've been processing this stuff for last decade-ish. Which means I approach things "organically" (he's not a fan of that word lol), and he's going through a year-long dominant mentoring program.

Interesting philosophical-kink conversations abound. ;)

When I use the word "organic", it means I get involved with men who "fit". Which means I use my words, instead of safe-words. (I reserve the words no and stop, for when I mean them, for example.) It also means that I've never had a lover who was into role play, or wanted me to dress a certain way while I cleaned the house, or told me to kneel if he felt I was getting lost in my always-thinking-brain. (That last one got little more than a raised eyebrow.)

In the conversations we have, he's used the metaphor of a sandbox, to explain things. D/s is where you get to play, without the real world rules getting in the way. I wonder why there is a D/s world, and a real world. Aren't they the same? No, I'm not going to give a man a blow job in the middle of dinner at a 4 star restaurant, but it has nothing to do with D/s being some sort of special sandbox, and everything to do with good manners.

I get that a lot of men think I'm a bit complex... I get that we're exploring... in a lot of ways this feels way more complicated than I'm used to. :confused:
 
CutieMouse said:
This feels like a good place to bury a few thoughts...

I started seeing someone about a month ago. Freakishly easy to be around, and conversations about D/s and kink have been open from the start. The interesting bit, is that he's in the early stages of figuring this stuff out, whereas I've been processing this stuff for last decade-ish. Which means I approach things "organically" (he's not a fan of that word lol), and he's going through a year-long dominant mentoring program.

Interesting philosophical-kink conversations abound. ;)

When I use the word "organic", it means I get involved with men who "fit". Which means I use my words, instead of safe-words. (I reserve the words no and stop, for when I mean them, for example.) It also means that I've never had a lover who was into role play, or wanted me to dress a certain way while I cleaned the house, or told me to kneel if he felt I was getting lost in my always-thinking-brain. (That last one got little more than a raised eyebrow.)

In the conversations we have, he's used the metaphor of a sandbox, to explain things. D/s is where you get to play, without the real world rules getting in the way. I wonder why there is a D/s world, and a real world. Aren't they the same? No, I'm not going to give a man a blow job in the middle of dinner at a 4 star restaurant, but it has nothing to do with D/s being some sort of special sandbox, and everything to do with good manners.

I get that a lot of men think I'm a bit complex... I get that we're exploring... in a lot of ways this feels way more complicated than I'm used to. :confused:
Click to expand...

It sounds like he is trying to do what he thinks he should do instead of going by what he feels. It's no doubt, as you mention, his newness in contrast to your familiarity. I hope you can work it out to your satisfaction :)
 
Collar_N_Cuffs said:
It sounds like he is trying to do what he thinks he should do instead of going by what he feels. It's no doubt, as you mention, his newness in contrast to your familiarity. I hope you can work it out to your satisfaction :)
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Oh, I suspect things will get sorted out. :) We were discussing it the other night, and he compared role play to having a puppet. I pointed out that I'm already a puppet - why do I need to be a different puppet than I already am? (That one might have stumped him a bit. lol)
 
CutieMouse said:
Oh, I suspect things will get sorted out. :) We were discussing it the other night, and he compared role play to having a puppet. I pointed out that I'm already a puppet - why do I need to be a different puppet than I already am? (That one might have stumped him a bit. lol)
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Because he wants you to be. At least that's the answer my dominant would give me. :)

MDS has a costume fetish so I have dressed in all sorts of outfits. It is role play in a way, but the reality is whether I am in costume or in lingerie or a dress that I wear to work I am still his submissive. I am dressed the way he wants me to dress and that obedience gives him pleasure.

I have to admit that I shudder at the word "organically" but that is for personal reasons.

I get what your guy is saying about the sandbox metaphor. I have to compartmentalize my life and my mind to a certain extent, too. I have to be in a different mindset at work then when I am home. There is that veil of my submission to MDS that is always there but I can focus more on it when I don't have other demands on my attention.

However, when I am with him I am always submissive, always in the sandbox. We don't "scene", it's not bedroom only D/s

Does your new guy consider all time that he is with you as "sandbox" time or is play time the only time he is in the "sandbox"?
 
ecstaticsub said:
Because he wants you to be. At least that's the answer my dominant would give me. :)

MDS has a costume fetish so I have dressed in all sorts of outfits. It is role play in a way, but the reality is whether I am in costume or in lingerie or a dress that I wear to work I am still his submissive. I am dressed the way he wants me to dress and that obedience gives him pleasure.
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That's actually pretty helpful. It also just hit me that a month-ish in, "because he wants me to be" doesn't work for me. A month-ish in, I'm not yet invested enough for "because he wants it" to be a good enough reason. Interesting...

I mentioned that I'd probably end up taking care of the house at some point, and he went straight to opportunity to "punish" for not doing X properly... which would really really not end well. lol So we discussed that, and he moved to a 'uniform' if I'm taking care of the house. But his ideas for a uniform, won't work for the work I'd be doing so I don't understand it. It's like I'm thinking "service" and he's thinking "kink". Huh... I may have just worked through something. lol

I have to admit that I shudder at the word "organically" but that is for personal reasons.
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"Fluid" works, too. I'm learning to avoid "organic." ;)

I get what your guy is saying about the sandbox metaphor. I have to compartmentalize my life and my mind to a certain extent, too. I have to be in a different mindset at work then when I am home. There is that veil of my submission to MDS that is always there but I can focus more on it when I don't have other demands on my attention.

However, when I am with him I am always submissive, always in the sandbox. We don't "scene", it's not bedroom only D/s.
Click to expand...

I suspect a lot of my struggle with it, is that I've worked my ass off to learn to be present. I've also had to learn to compartmentalize less (which took a lot of therapy). I don't think I've been in a relationship before, where things are so boxy, or there's relationship-time and play-time, and it's kind of confusing. Nothing that can't be discussed, but confusing.

Does your new guy consider all time that he is with you as "sandbox" time or is play time the only time he is in the "sandbox"?
Click to expand...

He's more bedroom-only than I am. Not 100%, but approaches it from that perspective more than I do.

It's a fascinating process, getting to know someone new. :)
 
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