Looking For Feedback - Tdallyn

I am by no means a "real" writer, but have enjoyed creating stories and posting them on Lit. At first my stories did not have any kind of editor to review them. After some harsh, but accurate feedback, I changed things up and enjoyed the services of first one then a second editor. Time went on and I lost my editors, but kept writing and posting. I am happy with my ratings for the most part, but am very interested in constructive feedback, the kind that usually does not come from "anonymous". I would welcome any and all constructure feedback from writers and readers. You may find my collection of stories here:

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1610062

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

You are a capable writer with a few bad habits I think you are growing out of.

Jersey Girl

- I don't like your use of adverbs because most of the time when you use an adverb it is adding nothing of consequence to the story (and perhaps fuzzing the plain meaning of your words).

Example from your third paragraph: "She wisely put down her cellphone before slamming the side of the door with her fist." Deleting the word 'wisely' does not take away much from the meaning of what is happening because we [me as the reader] can still figure out that it is wise to put down the phone before slamming your fist. What would have had more of an impact is if you described her putting down the phone with care then unleashing her rage with the same hand. In your example you preloaded the impression of the action's description with a weak adverb. It's a real anti-tension way to write (aka it's dull when it could be thrilling).

And another example: "we share a very deep connection." Deleting the adverb which modifies the adjective has no significant impact on the story. The "Very" is white noise which doesn't make me feel as though you talking about something deeper than deep. If you wanted something which is more meaningful than "deep" then you should upgrade the word deep into another word/phrase like "soul-link" or have a short aside or anything really.

Then you have adverbs like ".... I said quietly." Don't do adverbs after said. Delete them and lose not much (or nothing) from the story, or expand it out into an impressionistic statement of what it happening. Another example which really annoyed me was "Katie answered unabashedly". That's not variety/fanciness, in my mind that's just laziness at not bothering to showing do her thing. It's your job as the writer to show me the story you want to tell.*

- I don't like your paragraphing structure of shortish sentences being by themselves. The paragraph is designed to group together a collection of sentences on the same topic (relatively), and through the connection of being grouped together a bigger idea/impression of the story is formed in my mind. Please group your sentences... or write more story for your paragraphs*.

- Can you try to only use "said" or other basic dialogue modifiers for awhile. I've never walked down the street and seen somebody exclaim: '"I fucking love your tongue," Katie exclaimed.' If people retort at me - I say stop being rude, If people declare things to me - I say I don't care, and if people say (said) things to me - then I am happy to talk to them.

- Do you know the theory that says each draft should be 90% of the last draft? I think this kind of editing would be a huge benefit to your writing.

- While your dialogue isn't bad, it is tame. I don't like it when characters are happy to agree & give cooperative answers (although I do love raging dramas).

Next time you have something like this:

"How about right here," Tracy said ...

"Perfect," Liz cooed.

...

"It needs to be wet," Liz murmured stroking her victim's chest. "Wet and hard go together."

"Of course it does," Tracy replied ...

Click to expand...

I want no agreeing. I want no straightforward "yes" or "no" answers. As it stands I think it would be better to delete all this dialogue and just play out the action. I think it would be much better to throw in some communication barriers (but not competing goals). For example: Both characters want Liz to orgasm, and while Tracy is focused on her technique getting Liz to climax, Liz only cares how she is feeling. And before you say anything, they characters will end up at cross purposes because Liz isn't giving Tracy the feedback she wants because Liz doesn't care what Tracy is doing (as long as it makes her feel good which then becomes too much or some other complication to the goal).

- "Meh" ending. There is nothing interesting about your story as it is ending. Perhaps that is a sign you should have ended earlier? Also: "I took a swig of my drink as blood flowed into my crotch." Yeah, don't. It's two separate ideas which don't fit together, possibly they could be in the same paragraph but not the same sentence, please.

- I can keep going but I am going to dinner now. Good luck.

Thank you for taking the time to provide such detailed feedback. It is extremely helpful, and exactly what I was hoping for. I've saved your reply, and will refer to it often the next time that I write.

I welcome any and all critique, so if you, or any others on the forum, would like to add any other constructive comments, I would appreciate it.

Thank you again