More Humour

ARE YOU NORMAL? Facts about Americans. Did you know that...
Remember when you are reading this 90% of people say that they sometimes lie.

AROUND THE HOUSE
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)

HABITS
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

FOOD
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

HYGIENE
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

DRIVING
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
(This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact
speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)


WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

RELIGION
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
(That's one Commandment per person on average)
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
* 49% believe in ESP.

DAILY LIVING
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Tell me the number, name & colour of the car?

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed 'tiptronic' automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ...

And then the husband started crying ...

As I stood at the bus stop having a smoke, I was surprised to see the bus
leaving before its scheduled time.
















I could've sworn I put the fucking handbrake on.

Hey, my friend changed all my contact names - can you tell me who you are

What does it say?

Bitch

Oh wow. . . . and btw its caroline - your ex.

Oh I guess he didn't change this one.

I thought this was rather amusing:

The Rules Of Gender-Variant Chivalry

An asexual must always open the door for a pansexual.

Trans* men must always assist genderqueers with their luggage if there are no airport personnel available to help.

A high femme must do battle for any androsexual in peril from dragon or Frenchman.

The traditional age for taking up the sigil of gender anarchy and door-opening is seventeen, after four years of apprenticeship under a non-monogendered Master.

Heterosexual cisgender men are the daintiest treasure of all in Gender-Variant Chivalry. They must be delicately swaddled in linens and samite and carefully carried from castle to castle.

All soft butches must be trained in the use of the quarterstaff in close-quarters combat.

Trans* women wear pointy princess hats and feed the poor and lean out of windows calling for bold knights to do brave deeds, unless they don’t feel like it, in which case they can do something else.

Drag kings must swear before their people to protect the weak and defenseless, to give succour to widowers and orphans, to refrain from the wanton giving of offense, to live by honor and for glory, and to perform one Tom Jones song a month.

A queer boi must always stand whenever a bisexual enters the room.

Lipstick lesbians should offer their seat on public transportation to any polyamorous triads.

Every fortnight, all practitioners of Gender-Variant Chivalry must switch roles and identity with whatever knight stands nearest to them.

Thanks to: http://the-toast.net/2014/04/21/rules-gender-variant-chivalry/#6pSiExuQtfD1C0SH.99

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

JBJ contemplating the rutabagas.

Guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, ' he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

'Your horse phoned'

A husband and wife are sharing the Sunday newspaper on the couch. He's reading the sports section while she is reading the Parade magazine insert. All of sudden, she rolls up her magazine and hits him across the head with it.

"What was that for?" the husband yells in surprise.

The wife unrolls the magazine, points to the article she had been reading and says, "For thirty years of bad sex."

A few minutes pass before the man rolls up the sports section and hits his wife across the head with it.

"What was that for?" she yells in surprise.

"For ever knowing the difference."

Adult Riddles ~
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Two polar bears were walking across the ice.




One said to the other, "We've been walking for hours now. If we don't find
a woods soon I'm going to shit myself."

Ever wondered why the elected one works so hard to get re-elected every time?
He/she does not want to live with the Laws they helped create.

GET A JOB...Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."





.

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant and she said.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

1.They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

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2. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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3.Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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4.The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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5.Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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6.Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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7.Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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8.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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9.Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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10.Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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11.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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12.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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13.Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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14.Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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15.The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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16.Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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17.The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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18.This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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19.The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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20.Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

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21.The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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22.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up

23.The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:

'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

The Blonde Medical Dictionary


Artery.............Study of paintings

Bacteria............Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium..............What to do when treatment fails

Bowel................Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section....District in Rome

Cat Scan.............Searching for Kitty

Cauterize............Make eye contact with her

Colic................Sheep Dog

Coma.................Punctuation Mark

Congenital...........Friendly

D & C................Where Washington is

Dilate...............To live long

Enema.................Not a friend

Fester................Quicker

Genital...............Non-Jewish

Hang Nail.............Coat Hook

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known

Labor pain............Hurt at work

Morbid................Higher offer

Nitrate...............Cheeper than day

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient............Person fainted

Post op...............Letter Carrier

Recovery Room.........Place to apholster

Rectum................Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic.............Amorous

Secretion.............Hiding something

Tablet................Small table

Terminal Illness......Sick at Airport

Tibia.................Country in North Africa

Tumor.................More than One

Urine.................Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose..............Nearby

Vein..................Conceited

"I heard you husband died; in a food restaurant ?
How are you doing?"

The reply came back with surprising speed:

"Just peachy now, thanks.
Yes, he choked on a McNugget.
Now I know why they call it a Happy Meal."

Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing.

He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.

When he got to work he gave her a call and asked "Has the plumber come yet?"

She replied "Not quite but I've got him breathing hard."

I bought one of those watches that tells you have far you've walked.

Mine said I did 1500 miles last night ...

It must be broken ... I was in bed watching a new porn film!

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

[Note; it's a lovely idea, but I somehow doubt this letter]



Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find someone to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate Canadian Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!!!

Hamilton, Ontario Canada

I liked Node - Was aware of.

And as for:
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Surely there is a grade A story in that one!

guys.

NaokoSmith said:

I liked Node - Was aware of.

And as for:
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Surely there is a grade A story in that one!

guys.

Click to expand...

I have a sore throat

Handley_Page said:

I have a sore throat

Click to expand...

Feel better soon, HP.

NaokoSmith said:

I liked Node - Was aware of.

And as for:
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Surely there is a grade A story in that one!

guys.

Click to expand...

It'd have to be in the Mature category. As a preacher's brat, I know about "the ladies of the Church"!

No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. ~ Henry Brooks Adams "The Education of Henry Adams"

Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery of party, faction, and division of society. ~ John Adams

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. ~ Burt Bacharach

Words, as is well known, are the great foes of reality. ~ Joseph Conrad

You can taste a word. ~ Pearl Bailey

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. ~ Sarah Bernhardt

A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword. ~ Robert Burton "The Anatomy of Melancholy"

Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all. ~ Winston Churchill

Some of mankind's most terrible misdeeds have been committed under the spell of certain magic words or phrases. ~ James Bryant Conant

The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.~ Philip K. Dick