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New Sub Seeking Advice and Outlet

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Hiswhore31

Virgin
Joined
Jul 13, 2016
Posts
9
I've been a submissive all my life but I didn't realize there was really a name for it. I've been recently truly discovering who I really am. I just started talking to a new online Dom. He's pushed me farther in this short period than I ever though possible. Some things have been easier than others. It's been nice to have someone who understands what I need and pushes me past my comfort zone. He suggested I post here as an outlet to help me work through my thoughts and feelings. I really don't have anyone who I can openly talk to so I'm starting this more as a blog to help me seek advice and process my feelings. Please feel free to comment and make suggestions on the stuff I write. That's basically the point. Some of the stuff I talk about might be taboo or beyond certain peoples level of kinks. I assure you I'm being pushed too. I'm amazed that someone how much someone who knows you so little can still know so much. For those of you who are submissive or even the experienced Doms. Have you ever had a Dom take something that's a hard limit for you and try to push you to do it? Maybe you thought it was a hard limit but when he challenged you, maybe you were open to it? How do you process that? I've been challenged by him do to something that is something I'm really struggling with accepting. But I know that if I don't he will walk away. But I also know I need him. I'll never get what I have with him from my husband or anyone else. He truly understands me. Thoughts?
 
Hiswhore31 said:
I've been a submissive all my life but I didn't realize there was really a name for it. I've been recently truly discovering who I really am. I just started talking to a new online Dom. He's pushed me farther in this short period than I ever though possible. Some things have been easier than others. It's been nice to have someone who understands what I need and pushes me past my comfort zone. He suggested I post here as an outlet to help me work through my thoughts and feelings. I really don't have anyone who I can openly talk to so I'm starting this more as a blog to help me seek advice and process my feelings. Please feel free to comment and make suggestions on the stuff I write. That's basically the point. Some of the stuff I talk about might be taboo or beyond certain peoples level of kinks. I assure you I'm being pushed too. I'm amazed that someone how much someone who knows you so little can still know so much. For those of you who are submissive or even the experienced Doms. Have you ever had a Dom take something that's a hard limit for you and try to push you to do it? Maybe you thought it was a hard limit but when he challenged you, maybe you were open to it? How do you process that? I've been challenged by him do to something that is something I'm really struggling with accepting. But I know that if I don't he will walk away. But I also know I need him. I'll never get what I have with him from my husband or anyone else. He truly understands me. Thoughts?
Click to expand...

You may need him, but it is you who has have given him this power over you. Your hard limit; is it truly that or something subconsciously want to do. His need to control you; is he willing to abandon your subservience over this one task.
Just my thoughts.
 
While I can appreciate the fact that you have found somebody you click with so well, something you said is a bit odd. You claim that you, " just started talking to him ", yet he is already attempting to push you past a hard limit? That is a bit disquieting, as that term denotes something that is off the table and usually either requires lots of time dedicated to working up to it or avoiding it altogether in some cases. In my experience, breaking someone requires an investment, you can't feasibly just rail someone through a wall like that and expect everything to be fine. I've seen the product of overzealous partners...

I'm not attempting to scare you, just wanting you to consider something. If he is truly for you and you are obviously bothered or afraid to attempt something " extreme " ( especially in the beginning ), he should respect that and act accordingly. There is guiding, pushing, forcing, and then there's venturing into the realm of something else. You should not worry about disappointing him in this, just as he should not feel rejected if you throw out a color. You just started, neither of you seem like you're going anywhere, so what's the big rush?
 
There's a thing I call thinking with your pussy. It's a pretty powerful feeling and often times, it takes over the common sense thinking your brain does.

These new feelings are really intense. It's exciting to be pushed. To feel like someone is in your head (and your pussy or... wherever.)

Online is a great place to start. You can explore things relatively safely. It's a good thing he told you to start something here, it makes me think he's not isolating you. He wants you to think these things through.

The NOT good thing is that you know he'll walk away if you don't do this one thing. That's bullshit. A good dominant would want to invest time in figuring out how to push you. Not just walk away. Necrosomantic and tedsbeds refer to this as well.

I've been pushed past hard limits in the past. So it can happen. You need to weigh the risks. Would it impact your marriage? Your self worth? Has he been willing to do something else to make you comfortable with this other than challenging you??

You say you need him. That's pretty strong. This is what I've learned: in my past, I made the mistake of hanging the moon on men who brought out these intense feelings. I mistook lust for love and service. To them, I wasn't really all that special. I realized some guys don't take the time to know you --- they just have a bag of really good tricks up their sleeve.

These feelings are new to you, but as submissives, we crave a lot of the same stuff. Sometimes these guys just know the common buttons to push. So... while we're feeling all gooey and twisted up and needy, they're just flexing their Dom muscles over another online sub.

You guys might be the exception. I don't want to rain on your parade. This stuff is fun and sexy and awesome. Just take the time to really figure out if you can live with whatever it is he's asking you to do. If you can't and you say no and he walks, please know that's for the best. I promise you, there will be another Dominant down the line who will make you feel even better. And you'll be a better submissive because you are more clear on what that means to you.

Good luck! Keep asking questions.
 
Pushing past my hard limit is disrespectful and another hard limit for me. Hard limits are set for a reason. If after a while, in a relationship, the two of us agree to check in with each other and see if those limits have changed and they have, then it's fair game. But it's never a unilateral decision by the other person. Reminds me of 'No means no'.

Personally, I'd be very leery if I was in your shoes. It wouldn't work for me.
 
I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't respect my hard limits, and would say "See ya!" to anyone who threatened to leave if I held to my boundaries. I won't even let my husband, best friend, and teenage sweetheart push my hard limits.

You do what's right for you. Some people choose to cross their hard limits. If you do, and if this relationship goes down the drain some day, will you feel good or bad about crossing your hard limits for this person?

You should read about sub frenzy. Honestly I doubt he's so unique that you can't find someone else who will push your buttons, and who won't use emotional blackmail to get you to cross your hard limits.
 
My thoughts, since you asked.

Hiswhore31 said:
But I know that if I don't he will walk away.
Click to expand...
Let him. I'll repeat that- Let. Him. Or better yet, YOU walk away. You'll survive, I promise.

Hiswhore31 said:
But I also know I need him.
Click to expand...
Not that much you don't.

Hiswhore31 said:
I'll never get what I have with him from my husband or anyone else.
Click to expand...
Yes, you will. Maybe not from your husband, but from a true Dominant, yes. It may not feel that way now, but you will.

Hiswhore31 said:
He truly understands me.
Click to expand...
He doesn't really understand you. What he understands is the submissive mindset and how to play it against you. Don't be fooled.

Experiencing this new interaction is a rush, guaranteed, and I get that you want it. I really do. But don't sell your submissive soul for a few, measly tokens. First, take your time, learn yourself, and be true to you. Then open yourself to a Dominant who is real and genuine. All this is easier said than done, I know, but so worth it not to be taken in and used by a cheap, dime-a-dozen poser.

Best wishes.
 
I have hard limits, (not alot but I do), did I have more when I started than what I do now? Absolutely. Each hard limit broken was a discussion. I researched and soul searched and discussed some more with my Master. If I said no, he would put that act back in the hard limit drawer to revisit (or not) at a later date. While he would apply pressure he never gave me an ultimatum, and certainly never became upset or punish me for holding onto my hard limit. A Dom should NEVER threaten abandonment if you can't rise to his challenge. Abandonment is blatant abuse. PERIOD.

That being said, I don't know you or him or your relationship, but I would tread cautiously with anyone who says "may way out the highway". It may be a D/s relationship, but that's still a relationship and should be treated as such.

While this forum is an excellent source of information, advice, and support, it doesn't compare with talking to your Dom annoy what feelings or issues you may be having.

Please look into "sub frenzy" it's a real thing, and it's a bummer.

If you really haven't been talking long use caution, you don't want to be another notch in his belt. Think about how you'll feel about yourself and the things you did for him if he leaves. If that doesn't sit well maybe slow things down.

I PROMISE. There is always another Dom who can make you happy and fulfill you. Please don't sell yourself short, and don't fall for that fear. Those thoughts can push you to stay even when things aren't all that great. You'll tell yourself it's better where you are because you can't do better. You have WORTH as a person, even if someone tells you you don't. Self confidence and strength attracts the best Doms, so chin up!

If you have any questions you can always PM me.

:kiss::rose:
 
I won't repeat everything that has been said here, but it's spot on. Please take things slow, explore at your pace, and don't let anyone tell you that if you won't do XYZ that they'll walk away.

Big warning sign.
 
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and opinions. As someone new to this it's incredibly valuable to me to hear them. There's quite a lot here that have given me something to ponder. I feel I'm at a cross roads and I'm still working through if I feel if I can truly do what's he's asked. I know I want to be pushed and challenged. Is that this or is that something else? I don't know. I feel as though he's either trying to drive me away or test me to see if I'll stay. I'm not sure what the answer is yet but I will certainly be thinking through all of these posts so THANK YOU!!!
 
It's amazing to be how challenging this road to submission is. Who's a true Dom and who is just a jerk on a power trip. I feel like I have grown so much as a person to truly just discover this part of my self and be comfortable embracing it. Do very many of you tell people about this side of your life? I'm curious how much it plays into your daily lives. Knowing the difference between a healthy relationship that pushes you and challenges you to embrace who you are and one that is destructive seems to be harder than I realized. Sadly most of my life I've always gravitated to assholes. I never knew why before although it makes sense now.
 
Hiswhore31 said:
It's amazing to be how challenging this road to submission is. Who's a true Dom and who is just a jerk on a power trip. I feel like I have grown so much as a person to truly just discover this part of my self and be comfortable embracing it. Do very many of you tell people about this side of your life? I'm curious how much it plays into your daily lives. Knowing the difference between a healthy relationship that pushes you and challenges you to embrace who you are and one that is destructive seems to be harder than I realized. Sadly most of my life I've always gravitated to assholes. I never knew why before although it makes sense now.
Click to expand...

There is no such thing as a true dom. There is only doms who are not compatible with you, and doms who are.

I tell my husband about this aspect of myself, as he is my partner in this.
 
Hiswhore31 said:
It's amazing to be how challenging this road to submission is. Who's a true Dom and who is just a jerk on a power trip. I feel like I have grown so much as a person to truly just discover this part of my self and be comfortable embracing it. Do very many of you tell people about this side of your life? I'm curious how much it plays into your daily lives. Knowing the difference between a healthy relationship that pushes you and challenges you to embrace who you are and one that is destructive seems to be harder than I realized. Sadly most of my life I've always gravitated to assholes. I never knew why before although it makes sense now.
Click to expand...

My Husband/Master knows obviously 😊. I recently came out to my 2 best friends who are not as vanilla as I previously thought. One of them even has a Fet page! Our parents and families don't know. I plan to keep it that way for as long as possible.
 
SpunThings said:
You should read about sub frenzy. Honestly I doubt he's so unique that you can't find someone else who will push your buttons, and who won't use emotional blackmail to get you to cross your hard limits.
Click to expand...

Had to google sub frenzy. That was an eye opener, thank you. Might even start a thread on it.
 
Hiswhore31 said:
It's amazing to be how challenging this road to submission is. Who's a true Dom and who is just a jerk on a power trip. I feel like I have grown so much as a person to truly just discover this part of my self and be comfortable embracing it. Do very many of you tell people about this side of your life? I'm curious how much it plays into your daily lives. Knowing the difference between a healthy relationship that pushes you and challenges you to embrace who you are and one that is destructive seems to be harder than I realized. Sadly most of my life I've always gravitated to assholes. I never knew why before although it makes sense now.
Click to expand...

It warms my heart that you've come back to let us know how it's going. :heart:

As to telling people in your life, I say no. Your family doesn't want to know. Maybe a good friend but consider that carefully. I have a vanilla friend turn away from me when I mentioned it. After that, I decided it wasn't really anyone's business.

I joined the local bdsm community and I've met people from all walks of life that I never would've met otherwise. We do a lot of vanilla stuff, there's a lot of support in the community here.

It's interesting you mentioned gravitating to assholes. I was the opposite. I gravitated to really passive men. I realized I could walk all over these guys and I didn't want that anymore. What I found is there are dominant, controlling, perverted, confident NICE guys out there! Yay!!!

As to how it plays in to your daily life? That's up to you. It's harder to think of yourself as submissive if you don't have a Dominant in your life.

Are you submissive in the bedroom only? Or does submission ring true to a part of who you are? What does submissive mean to you?? How do you incorporate submission in to your every day life if someone isn't dominating you?

Service has played a big part of my submission. It was a big discovery; that light bulb "aha" moment. I thought a lot about the qualities a good submissive has beyond the sexual side of things.

To me, it means trying to put others ahead of mine. Being more thoughtful. More quiet (which is super tough!! :rolleyes:), a better listener. I made a greater effort to be there for friends, to be more present in the lives of the people I loved.

Thinking of myself as submissive created a softer space in my heart. I never really had that before. I still struggle with staying open, vulnerable, honest. (There's a great thread about vulnerability here somewhere....)

It doesn't always work that way. LOL. I'm not that selfless. I'm still a work in progress. It's always a balance, too, right? Being softer and maintaining a clear, confident sense of self.

Good luck to you. Thanks for letting me ramble in your post. I'm so glad you're feeling good about all of this. Yay for you!!
 
OP, if you "gravitate towards assholes" in non-kink relationships... odds are good you're going to "gravitate towards assholes" in kink relationships.

But at their core, even kinky relationships are still relationships. Add in a dash of sorting through life-shit, a smattering of sub-frenzy, a bit of thinking the rules are different (because, kink!), a little online cybersex, and you have the perfect storm to make a hell of a lot of bad decisions. Not world-ending bad decisions (usually)... but ohhhhhhhh the bad decisions that get made. lol It happens so frequently, especially online, that I almost see it as a right-of-passage kink requirement sort of thing.

Work on developing healthy relationships. Work on making smarter relationship choices. For example - have you discussed your new-found kinky side with your husband? Does he know you're exploring online? What might happen if you two sat down and talked about exploring together?
 
CutieMouse said:
OP, if you "gravitate towards assholes" in non-kink relationships... odds are good you're going to "gravitate towards assholes" in kink relationships.

But at their core, even kinky relationships are still relationships. Add in a dash of sorting through life-shit, a smattering of sub-frenzy, a bit of thinking the rules are different (because, kink!), a little online cybersex, and you have the perfect storm to make a hell of a lot of bad decisions. Not world-ending bad decisions (usually)... but ohhhhhhhh the bad decisions that get made. lol It happens so frequently, especially online, that I almost see it as a right-of-passage kink requirement sort of thing.

Work on developing healthy relationships. Work on making smarter relationship choices. For example - have you discussed your new-found kinky side with your husband? Does he know you're exploring online? What might happen if you two sat down and talked about exploring together?
Click to expand...

Ohh the wisdom in this post!
 
Once again thank you all for your wisdom and advice! I'm blown away but the support and insight in this community. Today was the day that i was supposed to do the hard limit we've been talking about. It didn't happen, it's definitely a hard limit and it's not going to happen. We shall see what happens.

This has been enlightening for me. I think as a sub at least for me, that I get caught up in trying to please him and be obedient that I forget that I am also still a very strong woman and that's okay too. It's okay to stand up for something that to me feels wrong.

As far as my husband, he knows about my submissive side but it's just not in him to dominate me. We play around here and tiger but it's not quite what I need. We have tried several times and it just doesn't work. I try to pull more of his dominate side out but it doesn't usually last long and then I feel like I'm the one controlling him. It's a vicious cycle. I'm the meantime, I need to continue to work on discovering who I am as a submissive and what I truly need. And remember that I need to pay attention to the red flags very early on.
 
tedsbeds said:
You may need him, but it is you who has have given him this power over you. Your hard limit; is it truly that or something subconsciously want to do. His need to control you; is he willing to abandon your subservience over this one task.
Just my thoughts.
Click to expand...

If he knows you truly, then he is fact opening thresholds which you will find liberating and wicked once the journey is complete.

If he does not, then he breaks a part of you in lieu of enlightenment. He takes a small part of you that cannot be given back. And that is travesty beyond measure.

Not too mention, either end, you have to truly look at your relationship with your husband...

The question is...
 
Hiswhore31 said:
This has been enlightening for me. I think as a sub at least for me, that I get caught up in trying to please him and be obedient that I forget that I am also still a very strong woman and that's okay too. It's okay to stand up for something that to me feels wrong.
Click to expand...

There are people who would disagree with my perspective on this, but at the end of the day, even in the most devoted, protocol heavy D/s or M/s relationship, you are still responsible for you. Which means even in your most submissive moments, there still has to be a degree of self-preservation.

As far as my husband, he knows about my submissive side but it's just not in him to dominate me. We play around here and tiger but it's not quite what I need. We have tried several times and it just doesn't work. I try to pull more of his dominate side out but it doesn't usually last long and then I feel like I'm the one controlling him. It's a vicious cycle. I'm the meantime, I need to continue to work on discovering who I am as a submissive and what I truly need. And remember that I need to pay attention to the red flags very early on.
Click to expand...

This is pretty common, also. A lot of pyls get interested in D/s, but the way it works in their head/fantasies, is not how it works in real life, which can cause frustration.

In a newly exploring pyl's mind, the perfect PYL may just magically know how to read the pyl's mind and give them what they want/create kinky scenarios that feel like submission [but at their core are simply feeding a desire for sexual exploration - not that there's anything wrong with that]. It makes the online domly dude really appealing because it all seems so personal... but odds are just as good the person on the other end of the computer screen is nothing more than someone with a creative mind, or a person who has "studied" enough BDSM erotica and/or online forums to know how to get what they want from a pyl.

[cue sub frenzy]

Sometimes when a newly exploring pyl isn't seeing dominance from her partner (husband), it's because she's comparing him to her only "experience" of BDSM - usually influenced by erotic literature, BDSM forums, or online exploration - all of which are fictional (for lack of a better term). The hairbrush never accidentally goes flying across the room during a cyber-spanking. Ropes never pinch. Legs never cramp. Kids don't discover your sex toy stash. You don't have to serve and submit, even when you're pissed off that he decided to have drinks with the guys at the last minute.

At the same time, he's dealing with a society that has told him since toddlerhood that doing XYZ to a woman is wrong and abusive. Men have a LOT of social conditioning to overcome, even when the women in their lives are begging for it. It's usually a difficult time for them, because they're dealing with "I can't do ___ because ____", or "I can't treat my wife, whom I love, like ____" AND the worry that their wives sudden desire to explore sexually means their partner is unhappy in bed, or may even be thinking about cheating.

(BTW, personal opinion - if your husband knows you're D/s curious, but doesn't know you're having explicit conversations with someone online whom you describe the way you did in the OP? That, in my book, classifies as an emotional affair... which can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair.)

An established couple also has all the complications of an established relationship to deal with. Aside from bills, kids, work, etc... do they have similar interest in D/s? Similar views/philosophies? Similar goals? What if she thinks D/s means asking permission (because he's the dominant!), and he has zero interest in micromanagement or sees D/s as an opportunity to delegate and make his life easier? What if one of them sees it as bedroom only, and the other an overarching 24/7 sot of thing? What if both are on board for exploring sexually, but don't have many overlapping kinks?

My usual advice is to give it time, and try both lower expectations and avoid comparison... then simply submit. Graciously, whenever possible. Does he like you to dress a certain way? Try that. Would he enjoy a specific thing in bed more often? Give it to him. Is he willing to do some D/s things? Instead of critiquing him or being disappointed, manifest an attitude of pleasure and thankfulness than he's trying. Encourage him - "I really loved it when you spanked me/pulled my hair/held me down last night... you can do that anytime you like..." Order in pizza, open a bottle of wine and go over one of those silly online BDSM checklists - just for shits and giggles. It might help you communicate, instead of talk (it should also be good for quite a few chuckles, or even end with a few orgasms. ;) )

Could you still end up sexually incompatible? Yep. But that is less likely to happen if you compassionately invest, recognizing you husband is trying, instead of diverting sexual and relationship energy into an online PYL who isn't willing to respect your boundaries.


pyl = submissive, slave, bottom, etc
PYL = dominant, top, master, etc
 
CutieMouse said:
There are people who would disagree with my perspective on this, but at the end of the day, even in the most devoted, protocol heavy D/s or M/s relationship, you are still responsible for you. Which means even in your most submissive moments, there still has to be a degree of self-preservation.



This is pretty common, also. A lot of pyls get interested in D/s, but the way it works in their head/fantasies, is not how it works in real life, which can cause frustration.

In a newly exploring pyl's mind, the perfect PYL may just magically know how to read the pyl's mind and give them what they want/create kinky scenarios that feel like submission [but at their core are simply feeding a desire for sexual exploration - not that there's anything wrong with that]. It makes the online domly dude really appealing because it all seems so personal... but odds are just as good the person on the other end of the computer screen is nothing more than someone with a creative mind, or a person who has "studied" enough BDSM erotica and/or online forums to know how to get what they want from a pyl.

[cue sub frenzy]

Sometimes when a newly exploring pyl isn't seeing dominance from her partner (husband), it's because she's comparing him to her only "experience" of BDSM - usually influenced by erotic literature, BDSM forums, or online exploration - all of which are fictional (for lack of a better term). The hairbrush never accidentally goes flying across the room during a cyber-spanking. Ropes never pinch. Legs never cramp. Kids don't discover your sex toy stash. You don't have to serve and submit, even when you're pissed off that he decided to have drinks with the guys at the last minute.

At the same time, he's dealing with a society that has told him since toddlerhood that doing XYZ to a woman is wrong and abusive. Men have a LOT of social conditioning to overcome, even when the women in their lives are begging for it. It's usually a difficult time for them, because they're dealing with "I can't do ___ because ____", or "I can't treat my wife, whom I love, like ____" AND the worry that their wives sudden desire to explore sexually means their partner is unhappy in bed, or may even be thinking about cheating.

(BTW, personal opinion - if your husband knows you're D/s curious, but doesn't know you're having explicit conversations with someone online whom you describe the way you did in the OP? That, in my book, classifies as an emotional affair... which can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair.)

An established couple also has all the complications of an established relationship to deal with. Aside from bills, kids, work, etc... do they have similar interest in D/s? Similar views/philosophies? Similar goals? What if she thinks D/s means asking permission (because he's the dominant!), and he has zero interest in micromanagement or sees D/s as an opportunity to delegate and make his life easier? What if one of them sees it as bedroom only, and the other an overarching 24/7 sot of thing? What if both are on board for exploring sexually, but don't have many overlapping kinks?

My usual advice is to give it time, and try both lower expectations and avoid comparison... then simply submit. Graciously, whenever possible. Does he like you to dress a certain way? Try that. Would he enjoy a specific thing in bed more often? Give it to him. Is he willing to do some D/s things? Instead of critiquing him or being disappointed, manifest an attitude of pleasure and thankfulness than he's trying. Encourage him - "I really loved it when you spanked me/pulled my hair/held me down last night... you can do that anytime you like..." Order in pizza, open a bottle of wine and go over one of those silly online BDSM checklists - just for shits and giggles. It might help you communicate, instead of talk (it should also be good for quite a few chuckles, or even end with a few orgasms. ;) )

Could you still end up sexually incompatible? Yep. But that is less likely to happen if you compassionately invest, recognizing you husband is trying, instead of diverting sexual and relationship energy into an online PYL who isn't willing to respect your boundaries.


pyl = submissive, slave, bottom, etc
PYL = dominant, top, master, etc
Click to expand...
Yes to all of the above and I would add that it is not unique to bdsm interested people with vanilla partners.

No partner can "compete" with new and strange. Could be online or in what passes for real life new is always exciting.

Diverting sexual energy, moral judgements aside, comes at a price.
 
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