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Trapped in a vanilla marriage -- seeking to make friends to make life more livable

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KnightInShiningArmour

Experienced
Joined
Aug 30, 2016
Posts
34
So, I am caught up in a marriage that I never should have gotten into in the first place and I am just doing my time until I can be in a position to fight the court wars (rich father-in law and complicated situation law-wise). There is a great deal of incompatibility to start with but, the one that is the hardest to bear is the sexual incompatibility.

The wife doesn't refuses sex when asked mostly, but then it feels like being offered a vagina to masturbate when she just spreads her legs and insists thats the most she would do sexually. Its gotten so bad that I don't even want sex anymore. I, on the other hand have that Dom element of BDSM so dominant in my mind that I can't even cum without involving a highly imaginative mental sex session involving domination. I haven't participated much in the local BDSM community because of being married legally and I don't wanna go out there and lie to some girl that I am single and available. If I turn to the vanilla world, the conversation almost borders around reporting me to the cops- people don't understand the consensual element, do they? I feel so much for the gay men trapped in marriages with women, for I feel the same way. When is the world going to accept that people like us do exist and are normal otherwise.

For the world, I do put up a socially acceptable face. I am a self made guy who went to one of the world's top schools, got a great job, still works out, well groomed, etc. However the other me doesn't give two hoots about money or society. When I get in that "zone", only the act of dominating someone can calm my body down- for I feel like I lose control. Its like the women who cum when being spanked - it sounds a-sexual but somehow they don't have the control over their bodies anymore- they might want to stop but their body enjoys it.

I remember a time when I had some online friends who lived in their own secret worlds - trapped like I was. Talking to each other gave us hope and let us escape into our worlds where we were free and before we knew some of the friendships blossomed into relationships. If not, it gave me the affirmation that I wasn't "sick". I would love to have some more friendships like that - being trapped in your old little world is not a blessing!
 
Trapped in a vanilla marriqge

Not sure how this chat works. Brand new just joined. Trapped in a vanilla marriage caught my eye. I have a similar situation.
Looking for a friend, I can be one.
 
KnightInShiningArmour said:
So, I am caught up in a marriage that I never should have gotten into in the first place and I am just doing my time until I can be in a position to fight the court wars (rich father-in law and complicated situation law-wise). There is a great deal of incompatibility to start with but, the one that is the hardest to bear is the sexual incompatibility.

The wife doesn't refuses sex when asked mostly, but then it feels like being offered a vagina to masturbate when she just spreads her legs and insists thats the most she would do sexually. Its gotten so bad that I don't even want sex anymore. I, on the other hand have that Dom element of BDSM so dominant in my mind that I can't even cum without involving a highly imaginative mental sex session involving domination. I haven't participated much in the local BDSM community because of being married legally and I don't wanna go out there and lie to some girl that I am single and available. If I turn to the vanilla world, the conversation almost borders around reporting me to the cops- people don't understand the consensual element, do they? I feel so much for the gay men trapped in marriages with women, for I feel the same way. When is the world going to accept that people like us do exist and are normal otherwise.

For the world, I do put up a socially acceptable face. I am a self made guy who went to one of the world's top schools, got a great job, still works out, well groomed, etc. However the other me doesn't give two hoots about money or society. When I get in that "zone", only the act of dominating someone can calm my body down- for I feel like I lose control. Its like the women who cum when being spanked - it sounds a-sexual but somehow they don't have the control over their bodies anymore- they might want to stop but their body enjoys it.

I remember a time when I had some online friends who lived in their own secret worlds - trapped like I was. Talking to each other gave us hope and let us escape into our worlds where we were free and before we knew some of the friendships blossomed into relationships. If not, it gave me the affirmation that I wasn't "sick". I would love to have some more friendships like that - being trapped in your old little world is not a blessing!
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can sympathize. A few thoughts:

1. First, any advice you get here should be taken with a grain of salt -- more than one -- because we don't know you or your situation. Only you do.

2. Have you talked to her? I mean, really talked to her? It's very, very hard to be truly honest, but if things get bad enough, you have to ask yourself, what do you have to lose? Is there any chance of reaching some sort of accommodation? If there's any chance, talk.

3. There are lots of women out there with kinks compatible with yours, believe me.

4. I don't judge other people here on their choices, but for me, honesty in intimate relationships is crucial. So I would not recommend doing anything behind your wife's back. If you are thinking about doing things, talk to her, even if it seems like it would be very difficult.

Best of luck to you.
 
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SimonDoom said:
Sorry to hear about your situation. I can sympathize. A few thoughts:

1. First, any advice you get here should be taken with a grain of salt -- more than one -- because we don't know you or your situation. Only you do.

2. Have you talked to her? I mean, really talked to her? It's very, very hard to be truly honest, but if things get bad enough, you have to ask yourself, what do you have to lose? Is there any chance of reaching some sort of accommodation? If there's any chance, talk.

3. There are lots of women out there with kinks compatible with yours, believe me.

4. I don't judge other people here on their choices, but for me, honesty in intimate relationships is crucial. So I would not recommend doing anything behind your wife's back. If you are thinking about doing things, talk to her, even if it seems like it would be very difficult.

Best of luck to you.
Click to expand...

Hi Simon,

First of all, apologies for replying so late, had trouble logging in for a few days and then forgot all about it.

My wife is not on the same level of intellect as you and me. We can sit and discuss something with our partners, discuss and reach a logical conclusion. My wife cannot do that - I know it sounds like I am trying to belittle her but she actually cannot have a meaningful dialogue. Its like being married to a 10 year old. I had to teach her how to wear makeup, how to dress appropriately, the things that every girl grows up with - after getting married. Her knowledge of the world and perspective on things is so limited that the first year of the marriage was sexless because of her being afraid of sex (something about intestines being shoveled out because of penetration). The doctors tried talking to her and were amazed like me that how could someone who attended college could be mentally on that level.
She hasn't masturbated till date! At 30 years! I got her the sex toys, tried showing her porn, etc. and she finds it disgusting. The "sex" that happens once a month or so is limited to one position of missionary. She thinks that our sex life is great!

Now you tell me what would such a person understand about S&M? And what could I try to achieve by that? I am in this marriage out of my will because of the fear of repercussions to my family in another country.

I know that there are women out there who like me because I have had some serious S&M relationships in the past. I actually wish that she catches me cheating and divorces me of her own accord - the only problem is I never cheated on her and if I was to do it, I wont be divorced !!

I think the hell and heaven is all down here, not something up in the sky. Its my time in hell until the sweet deliverance of death comes for the deliverance.
 
I'm curious to see how this thread develops. I'm in similar circumstances. However, I am a newly discovered sub into feminization, femdom, and diapers. My wife's decline in sexual interest drove me to seek out fetish adventures elsewhere.
 
diaperedtiffany said:
I'm curious to see how this thread develops. I'm in similar circumstances. However, I am a newly discovered sub into feminization, femdom, and diapers. My wife's decline in sexual interest drove me to seek out fetish adventures elsewhere.
Click to expand...

This thread probably isn't the best place to look. This guy has a tendency expect that his wife 'should' be accepting his sexual preferences, regardless of how she feels about them.
 
KimGordon67 said:
This thread probably isn't the best place to look. This guy has a tendency expect that his wife 'should' be accepting his sexual preferences, regardless of how she feels about them.
Click to expand...

And how exactly did you reach that conclusion? I don't expect her to do anything what she doesn't wants to do, if I did, the marriage would have gone a very different way.
And by acceptance what do you mean? I would be happy if she understood that just like some people are gay, some can be Sadists and BDSM is not non-consensual torture of women. Nothing more than that.

If there was a woman in the same situation, I suppose you would encourage her to live out her sexuality and be free, wont you?
 
KnightInShiningArmour said:
And how exactly did you reach that conclusion? I don't expect her to do anything what she doesn't wants to do, if I did, the marriage would have gone a very different way.
And by acceptance what do you mean? I would be happy if she understood that just like some people are gay, some can be Sadists and BDSM is not non-consensual torture of women. Nothing more than that.

If there was a woman in the same situation, I suppose you would encourage her to live out her sexuality and be free, wont you?
Click to expand...

I can't remember the exact details of your previous thread, and can't be bothered trawling back through my stuff to find it, but I seem to remember it being something along the lines of 'how can I convince my wife to be into this sort of sex'.

I wouldn't 'encourage' the hypothetical kinky woman to do anything.
But if I were in that position, I'd take some responsibility for the situation and leave my husband so he could find someone who he was happy with.
 
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KimGordon67 said:
I can't remember the exact details of your previous thread, and can't be bothered trawling back through my stuff to find it, but I seem to remember it being something along the lines of 'how can I convince my wife to be into this sort of sex'.

I wouldn't 'encourage' the hypothetical kinky woman to do anything.
But if I were in that position, I'd take some responsibility for the situation and leave my husband so he could find someone who he was happy with.
Click to expand...

Actually, I apologise - I found the thread, and realised I'd confused Nezhul's lame advice with your thoughts on the subject. However, everything else I said in the previous post applies ... and I'm not the only person who thought that, as is clear from the responses to the last time you posted back in December.
 
So you want to be divorced, forced to pay for a wife you don't have and children you will slowly never get to see............
Sacrifice or selfishness are the two choices you've decided on and the hell you've created .

Fix it dude, you know how better than anyone else how to.

Somethings in life can not be solved by advice from strangers, sorry if this hurts your feelings but truth has a bad taste but can cure moist ills.
 
Ghostee said:
So you want to be divorced, forced to pay for a wife you don't have and children you will slowly never get to see............
Sacrifice or selfishness are the two choices you've decided on and the hell you've created .

Fix it dude, you know how better than anyone else how to.

Somethings in life can not be solved by advice from strangers, sorry if this hurts your feelings but truth has a bad taste but can cure moist ills.
Click to expand...

Why would he be forced to pay for his wife?
 
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KimGordon67 said:
Why would he be forced to pay for his wife?
Click to expand...

He did say his intellect was waaaay superior or some shit.
Or the poster you're responding to assumes that men make more money than women.

In fact...
Why am I in this thread?

Bye.
 
Farawyn said:
He did say his intellect was waaaay superior or some shit.
Or the poster you're responding to assumes that men make more money than women.

In fact...
Why am I in this thread?

Bye.
Click to expand...

I do not have a superior intellect than other people, but the wife has certain disorders because of which her emotional maturity is not on par with normal people. I did not make this up, the doctor reported that.

You are in this thread because you want to pass a judgement unaware of the context.
 
Ghostee said:
So you want to be divorced, forced to pay for a wife you don't have and children you will slowly never get to see............
Sacrifice or selfishness are the two choices you've decided on and the hell you've created .

Fix it dude, you know how better than anyone else how to.

Somethings in life can not be solved by advice from strangers, sorry if this hurts your feelings but truth has a bad taste but can cure moist ills.
Click to expand...

I don't have children (neither want any) and am not forced to pay for her legally but I am happy to pay whatever she wants as long as I can afford it.
I paid for her school and did my best to make her more employable, I am happy to pay her what I can for a specified time period until she can take care of herself.

I actually did not create this thread to seek advice, but just seek some like-minded friends.
 
KnightInShiningArmour said:
I do not have a superior intellect than other people, but the wife has certain disorders because of which her emotional maturity is not on par with normal people. I did not make this up, the doctor reported that.

You are in this thread because you want to pass a judgement unaware of the context.
Click to expand...

Yes. I needed that.
I wonder who you're rescuing, Knight?
 
KnightInShiningArmour said:
I did not make this up, the doctor reported that.
Click to expand...


Pffft.

When a doctor asked my wife how she copes with her situation, she replied that it is very stressful to manage like two hospitals with their appointments and ever-changing instructions from like five different medical specialists. But she writes everything down to organize stuff.

This statement was turned into a medical record:"Patient has trouble to remember medical instructions correctly. Issue all instructions in simple written form."

Until we learned about this and got this removed from her file, whenever an issue came up, every doctor started blaming my wife first of not taking her medication properly.

Doctors.

Pffft.
 
KnightInShiningArmour said:
I don't have children (neither want any) and am not forced to pay for her legally but I am happy to pay whatever she wants as long as I can afford it.
I paid for her school and did my best to make her more employable, I am happy to pay her what I can for a specified time period until she can take care of herself.

I actually did not create this thread to seek advice, but just seek some like-minded friends.
Click to expand...

I will be your friend PM me anytime xx
 
Primalex said:
Pffft.

When a doctor asked my wife how she copes with her situation, she replied that it is very stressful to manage like two hospitals with their appointments and ever-changing instructions from like five different medical specialists. But she writes everything down to organize stuff.

This statement was turned into a medical record:"Patient has trouble to remember medical instructions correctly. Issue all instructions in simple written form."

Until we learned about this and got this removed from her file, whenever an issue came up, every doctor started blaming my wife first of not taking her medication properly.

Doctors.

Pffft.
Click to expand...

Yes, you should also not see one when you are sick. Because you know they just make things up -- Pffft
 
KimGordon67 said:
Why would he be forced to pay for his wife?
Click to expand...
Alimony ,child support, etc is why I said that .
Depending on the state they live in ,the lawyer she gets and the court that leans for the wife 80% of the time and then there's the costly separation and divorce process that the state has set up to suck every dollar from the family.
 
Ghostee said:
Alimony ,child support, etc is why I said that .
Depending on the state they live in ,the lawyer she gets and the court that leans for the wife 80% of the time and then there's the costly separation and divorce process that the state has set up to suck every dollar from the family.
Click to expand...

And that's not optional? You can't organise your own separation?
 
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