What does being submissive mean to you?

I have been submissive for many years but haven’t served a lady in a few years and as I put my self back out there looking to serve again I have noticed differences. So what does being submissive mean to you. For me it isn’t all fun and games but a relationship of trust and respect. I want so badly to please and make a lady happy. To me it is about her and doing all I can to make her happy. It isn’t about what she does to me or how she might control me but about putting her first and being a gentleman. I feel if she is happy she will understand what I need to be satisfied and how best to make that happen.

What are your thoughts?

Stevew0073 said:

I have been submissive for many years but haven’t served a lady in a few years and as I put my self back out there looking to serve again I have noticed differences. So what does being submissive mean to you. For me it isn’t all fun and games but a relationship of trust and respect. I want so badly to please and make a lady happy. To me it is about her and doing all I can to make her happy. It isn’t about what she does to me or how she might control me but about putting her first and being a gentleman. I feel if she is happy she will understand what I need to be satisfied and how best to make that happen.

What are your thoughts?

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I think to me being submissive is just a core trait to my personality. I'm submissive differently to different people and my submissiveness is by no means restricted to relationships only, but I guess ultimately it all boils down to me being a doormattish people pleaser, and my submissiveness isn't only about sex.

I get a ridiculous amount of satisfaction from being able to help someone and make their day a little easier, even if it's a total stranger. I like putting other people's wants and needs ahead of my own, and within an established D/s relationship (whatever that means) I'm willing to go that much farther outside my comfort zone to make sure that person's wants and needs are being met.

But a huge part of my submissiveness is also sexual. Being submissive means also being submissive in sex and getting my rocks off in awesome ways, and that's really the bee's knees!

I hope you find the person you're looking for! Just remember that dominant people aren't mind readers. She might not know what you need or how to satisfy you without you telling or showing her, no matter how happy she is and how much you put her first.

I agree it is about communication. I will be open about what I like and she can decide how to best grant me that pleasure.

And thanks I hope to find someone soon but know it takes time.

What being submissive means to me...

I'm only submissive sexually. For me it is about trust and surrender, giving another person control is the most intimate and magical thing I can imagine. Much of my submissive nature is ground in my eagerness to please and to give pleasure. I love being used to provide my Dom with his enjoyment, pleasure, and release. I want to be the good girl he knows I can be. It takes a different form as different people have different desires, but that core of complete giving remains my submissiveness.

I think giving and pleasing is the core of being submissive. And don’t get me wrong I love being submissive sexually.

For me being submissive is all about feeling powerless and knowing it's because you've chosen to hand over that power to someone else. There are few things more intimate than allowing a partner to incrementally restrain you, taking away your freedoms one by one.

Submissiveness to a sissy

The meaning of submissive to this sissy means willingly giving up control to someone else.
There is a difference between giving and having it taken, to be a submissive one must be willing to have another control one (this can be partial or total control) also this means that the dominant one accepts the control of the submissive. This is a deep responsibility for the dominant and this also must be willingly accepted. Such willingness is only given when there is a deep trust between the two parties.

MsNotSleeping said:

For me being submissive is all about feeling powerless and knowing it's because you've chosen to hand over that power to someone else. There are few things more intimate than allowing a partner to incrementally restrain you, taking away your freedoms one by one.

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Who truly has the power in this situation? Seems you still have the power but he has the control.

For me... doing what he wants when he wants his way. It goes both ways though you know?

My submissiveness is the core of my character. My inherent personality that drives the way I interact with people on a daily basis. I only find myself fortunate to meet others who appreciate that. Some more than others, take advantage of it. Some exploit it, deliciously as a matter of fact. Some simply ignore it, which is fine. Reading what Seela wrote, that resonated with me. I, too find happiness in the service of others. Whether sexually or not. Their pleasure is my goal.
The real Joy is when I connect with a Dom, who taps into me and works me hard and well.

seela said:

I think to me being submissive is just a core trait to my personality. I'm submissive differently to different people and my submissiveness is by no means restricted to relationships only, but I guess ultimately it all boils down to me being a doormattish people pleaser, and my submissiveness isn't only about sex.

I get a ridiculous amount of satisfaction from being able to help someone and make their day a little easier, even if it's a total stranger. I like putting other people's wants and needs ahead of my own, and within an established D/s relationship (whatever that means) I'm willing to go that much farther outside my comfort zone to make sure that person's wants and needs are being met.

But a huge part of my submissiveness is also sexual. Being submissive means also being submissive in sex and getting my rocks off in awesome ways, and that's really the bee's knees!

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Absolutely in total agreement here! Submissive is a core trait of who I am.

Nekole said:

What being submissive means to me...

I'm only submissive sexually. For me it is about trust and surrender, giving another person control is the most intimate and magical thing I can imagine. Much of my submissive nature is ground in my eagerness to please and to give pleasure. I love being used to provide my Dom with his enjoyment, pleasure, and release. I want to be the good girl he knows I can be. It takes a different form as different people have different desires, but that core of complete giving remains my submissiveness.

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I am only submissive sexually as well. In my professional life, I manage a lot of resources and people. I do not want to take that into the bedroom.
I want my lady to enjoy me in any way she wants. She knows I will do anything of a sexual nature, anywhere, any time she wants.

As something other than a submissive, conventional wisdom dictates that anything I say on the subject should be taken with a leavening of salt. In fact, 'twould most likely be best if I were to keep my pie hole shut, or my fingers braided. However, my thought has been circling this thread almost since it's inception. Indeed, several times I have begun typing a response from the other side of the equation before clicking out and allowing my words and thoughts to dissipate.


The thing is, "submissive" is a broad term. An umbrella. It is rather like in biology declaring what family an organism belongs to without clarifying the genus and species. Which is fine in a broad, general conversation. After all, if she is not my submissive, then it is really none of my business just how deep her submissiveness goes since it is not to me.

On the other hand, I have had self-described submissives that seemed to be courting my attention that stopped with that description and resisted my attempts to delve into just what that meant for them. Fair enough that they did not wish to discuss it further with me specifically. Yet, it also was an indication to me that they were not submissive to me.

Just because a lady declares herself submissive does not, in fact, indicate that she would be willing to be bound on all fours wearing weighted nipple clamps, have a metallic butt plug inserted with an arcing metal bar and a violet wand poised just above it with a Hitachi wand placed on her clit just far enough apart so that she must choose whether to grind her clit down on the vibrations or touch the sparking wand so that electric current feeds into the butt plug as I move a piston driven dildo into position to fuck her pussy before moving around in front of her, fitting her with a mouth guard, and threading my fingers through her hair as I take her mouth and throat with my cock.

It could only mean that she is into the concept of submission, enjoys reading about it and discussing it, perhaps even entering into an LDR cyber experience, so long as she can safely slam the window shut and compartmentalize that aspect away (along with whatever Dom she has found to play with) when her "real" life summons her.

It could mean that she is only into submission in non-sexual aspects, more of a caretaker.

It could mean that she is a little or a middle or a brat.

It could mean that she is a TPE slave or a pet. (Although, typically, a slave or pet will have absolutely no compunction about clarifying. In fact, are typically proud of the distinction between themselves and "mere" submissives.)

It could mean that she is a SAM... a smart assed masochist... pushing and testing limits to drive more, and more severe, punishment.

It could mean none of those and something else entirely.

So, at the end of the day, when I see (or hear) someone describe themselves as a submissive, it only tells me that they derive some undetermined amount of pleasure from an undetermined surrender of control into someone else's hands of their choosing. Their choosing, both in whom they surrender it to and how much.

If her submission, her surrender is to me, then it is incumbent on both of us to delve together into just what she means by the term.

As someone who has been allergic to submission most of my life but recently found the woman who woke that interest. Agree, its about making her smile or her day better overall. And not just in a boring manner that she expects or has laid out as that is almost never what makes us happiest. It occasionally backfires but that is just an excuse to flex her dominance a bit.

Other times it requires doing more delicate things like finding a way to help ground her when confidence has crossed into cockiness that is looking to negatively affect her. That can be a bit trickier but doing the right thing knowing you may be punished and no one may ever acknowledge it is still the right thing.

Another big thing for me has been working outside what is expected, and seeking to impress while doing so in a manner that doesn't shift the power dynamic. I am sure it means vastly different things to other people, from being on the other side its often being guided to a new set of experiences or to lose yourself in someone else.

Snowbunnie12 said:

For me... doing what he wants when he wants his way. It goes both ways though you know?

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This is incredible and is what I try to achieve with my wife.
Doing what she wants, when she wants and doing it her way.

this describes me

I keep asking myself that, over and over again. Why am I choosing this path? What about it stirs something in my soul that can’t be met otherwise or anywhere else?

I hate the judgments associated with submission – that somehow submissives are weak or incapable of acting on their own, that they can’t handle their lives and need someone to “manage” them.

I know that’s not true for me. I’m well-educated, financially stable, professionally successful. I own my home, know how to use power tools, I’m not afraid of getting dirty or doing hard work, and will get whatever needs to get done, done. I’m stubborn as all hell; I would rather figure out how to do something on my own than ask for help. It leaves me in some entertaining predicament situations at times (yes, I have a feeling my rope inclined friends are chuckling to themselves right now). I can do it all. I do it all.

But at the end of the day, it drains me.

I spend my life living for others, meeting their needs, responding to them, pushing my limits, showing up fully, and at the end of a long day, the last thing I want to do… is think. And I am never at the top of that list.

I think submissives are some of the most underrated badass bitches that have ever existed. When you have the capacity to feel deeply, the capacity to never stop in the service of those you love implicitly comes along. There is nothing that would stop me from helping those that I Iove and care about. I often find myself stretching myself thin because I would rather lose sleep than let someone down. This isn’t anxiety, this is just my heart. Not everyone understands it.

And that’s why I’ve embraced submission. It’s not a choice for me. It is me.

I recognize I need an anchor. As I’m running around dominating the world (yep, pun intended), the last person I will ever care about is myself. Doing something for myself never really feeds my soul in the same way that doing something for another. But if my well-being is in the service of another, I’m on it. That lovely phrase, Take care of my property, immediately shifts my perspective and I’m paying attention to the things that I would otherwise neglect because I know I would disappoint another and that’s not something I tolerate well. Then, at that moment, I start to do the things I would otherwise ignore and I actually feel better. I know these things to be true (reference highly educated above) but there’s a thread that gets pulled that I logically can explain but more importantly, feel.

As as I stand back, my view of submission is the act of giving up to rise above and be my best, truest, most authentic self. Submission does not stop me from doing anything; it is an unbounding of shackles and an awareness of my own limitations. This is true freedom. I know what I can and cannot do well; rather than fighting every piece of me, I accept these truths and can work with the way my heart and soul exist to become stronger than I ever thought before. I have never felt freer than by being bound. This isn’t a choice. This is who I am.

Obedience, honesty and trust. Neither blind but always there. Being open minded and willing to try new things. Have you ever been placed in chastity or surrendered total control of your sexual body and mind? Finding a Dominant who will expand and broaden your horizons will keep you on your chosen path and interested in this lifestyle.

To me being submissive means:

Having my needs met while my master or mistress decides whether or not to give me my wants. We all have wants and needs and the duty of the master is to deliver those needs while making us work for the wants.

That's the short version. The long version could be a large book.

Still not sure....

I am still exploring what if anything being submissive is to me. I have no "real " world experience, just several online interactions so far. It is a side to myself that is growing and wants to be explored. I do know that it is not to be exploited or abused for someone else pleasure. Most of what resonates with me here is the giving up of control to someone else but behind that is the immense amount of trust that entails. I can also relate to the People pleaser aspect of everyday life and see how that is now creeping into my sex life. I really understand the desire to put someone else pleasure above my own and in a sense receive my pleasure by providing it to someone else. I am not sure i will ever figure it out and i guess i am alright with that. I will keep looking for that person i want to trust enough to give myself over to.

Well I’m sure everyone has there own idea. Mine would be doing something to benefit my partner rather than myself. Doing something because they want me to do it not necessarily me. Them receiving pleasure from my actions though I may not be receiving any myself. Goes in and out of the bedroom but most time out of it it’s being a decent human being

SubmissiveMiss said:

No two humans are exactly the same so it makes sense that no two submissives would be either. For me at the very core of it I want to please, I want to provide pleasure for my partner and submit to the use of my body for their pleasure. I of course have my limits; urine and feces, branding, being bled, those are all very much off limits for me, more extreme types of play like electricity are things that I would submit to only with someone I trusted implicitly.

Trust is such a key word here. I've gotten a million messages that just start of telling me what they'd force me to do, and I'm sure there are submissives who enjoy that, but for me and all others I know there has to be a bond, trust, communication, boundaries in place before jumping into any such sexual encounter.

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Well said !!!!

I have seen the same on a few of the lit forums, each to their own, but for me the whole Ds relationship is about a massive amount of trust, knowing what excites the other and playing gently on the Subbies 'grey edge' for excitement, without crossing 'red lines', which is impossible if you don't know what and where they are

debycha1968 said:

Well said !!!!

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My definition

I have been having this same discussion with a Dom friend (not my Dom, I don't have one) over the past couple weeks. In the simplest version I am sexually submissive, and it stops when the bedroom door opens, so to speak. In my "regular" life I am in contol of pretty much everything, as a single mom that is how it has to be. I am opinionated and stubborn and intelligent and sometimes a bit mouthy and I like to do things my way. But when it comes to sexual things, there is no better release than when someone else takes control and overpowers my brain so I don't have to think, only feel.

For me, being submissive means becoming a conduit for my partner's erotic sensations and allowing them to focus exclusively on his or her sexual gratification while completely ignoring my own. As far as they are concerned my needs are irrelevant or non existent. I like the objectified way this makes me feel. I like feeling "used". Their arousal is all that matters and my function is to maximize their pleasure and facilitate their orgasm. This suspension of ego is extremely exhilarating and liberating! But the strange thing is that the more aroused they become, the more it excites me and I can often climax when they do.

What submission means to me:

Background : Of course, my situation is a little different than most. I am a dominant who has become submissive later in life. When I started my journey, I was a very different person. I was much younger, angrier, and more arrogant. I was under the impression that dominance meant always taking total control of a situation or person and that submission meant always being controlled buy another person.

It took a long process of growth and the switching of rolls on occasion, to give my wife and then submissive an opportunity at control. Until our son was born, we experimented with other people and had many experiences with various levels of both D and s. Some of those experiences are best forgotten and will likely never be spoken of here.

Over the last 5 years, my wife and now Dominant has suffered stroke and triple bipass surgery. She is also diabetic and has neuropathy. Her sex drive is nill. But she knows I remain strong in my libido. So, we have come to a new arrangement. Our journey together and our devotion to each other through life changing events that would have people of lesser constitution calling it quits long ago, have left me a new perspective. And please don't take the last sentence as boasting. We've seen some shit.

This is what it has taught me:

Dominance means that you take the lead roll in an exchange of love and devotion. It means you give love, devotion, and personal care to one granting you the gift of devotion. It means that you take responsibility for the heart mind and soul of someone who willingly grants you access to all three in exchange for the for the fulfillment of their desire.

It means that you willingly grant them access to your heart, mind and soul in exchange for the fulfillment of your personal tastes and desires. It means giving them what they crave in exchange for what you crave. It means that you dedicate your time and energy to the fulfillment of desires, needs, wants and requests that would otherwise be hidden from the rest of the world.

It means that you do things for them what nobody else will do. It means that you must sometimes take the position of nurturer and guide. It means that you must sometimes take the lead and do those things which they cannot do for themselves. It means having a basic structure in your life but also being ready to act on a whim. It can mean pleasure, pain, or any combination thereof.

It means that knowing that what you possess, would not be yours, had it not been freely given by one equally devoted to you. It means that you freely accept that gift and the full responsibility of not destroying or damaging that gift.

And the catch is, folks, that is also EXACTLY what it means to be submissive. The only real difference, is whether you are kneeling and looking up into someone's eyes or standing and looking down into someone's eyes.

(Typos corrected)