How to make amends?

I thought about this one for a couple of days now. My personal experiences often influences my thoughts on things but I always try to think how things are perceived by both sides of such conflicting issues as this. As far as "making amends" to those you have hurt in the past, the best I can think is to get run over by a bus in their presence or make a video of yourself crying hysterically because someone screwed you over just as bad. I would personally just move on and leave well enough alone. Besides if you didn't care that you did it at the time why bother beating yourself up about it now? It's in the past! The best thing to do if you really feel bad about it is just not to repeat the situation in the future. Also, I want to add that not feeling remorse or guilt before getting caught may be due to what led you to infidelity in the first place. Usually there are many damaging and hurtful events that occur over and over in a relationship prior to a person deciding to step out and have an affair. The resentment and anger make it easy to feel entitled to have an affair, or even more so not feeling anything at all.
 
I thought about this one for a couple of days now. My personal experiences often influences my thoughts on things but I always try to think how things are perceived by both sides of such conflicting issues as this. As far as "making amends" to those you have hurt in the past, the best I can think is to get run over by a bus in their presence or make a video of yourself crying hysterically because someone screwed you over just as bad. I would personally just move on and leave well enough alone. Besides if you didn't care that you did it at the time why bother beating yourself up about it now? It's in the past! The best thing to do if you really feel bad about it is just not to repeat the situation in the future. Also, I want to add that not feeling remorse or guilt before getting caught may be due to what led you to infidelity in the first place. Usually there are many damaging and hurtful events that occur over and over in a relationship prior to a person deciding to step out and have an affair. The resentment and anger make it easy to feel entitled to have an affair, or even more so not feeling anything at all.

Captures my thoughts really well. I think there is more to this than meets the eye, honestly, and Librarian needs to talk to a counselor before she does anything.
 
I am unclear whether you actually want to make amends or just free yourself from pain. Freeing others from some of the pain you caused them, may help. Knowing you have damage other people and done nothing to even try to alleviate their pain can't be good for you.

Write an written apology to anyone whose trust/agreements you have broken and those you let down.
Ask their forgiveness, but let them know that you don't expect it.
Tell them it will never happen again and why it will never happen again
Offer them the opportunity to respond and then deal with that appropriately.

If they respond they will probably give you hell, be prepared to take it.
Ask them if there is anything you can do.

I really think the worse thing you can do to other people is just walk away as if nothing happened.


As to what would make me feel better about the person I trusted who recently let me down?
a sincere apology
an acknowledgement for any damage it caused me
appreciate my restraint in my reaction
a promise in his equivalent of blood not to do that again
let me vent at him if I wished
his body weight in Peace babies (Basset Jelly Babies) would be a start (or a representative amount).

Would I ever allow myself to be open to him again? I don't know, but it would help me take a chance on letting other new people into my life..
Also I might be able to look at things that I associate with him in a neutral way again.
 
I would ask one thing as it's something I've often wondered from my experience(bad times)...

Why did you feel guilt so late on?

That is...were there times when you felt guilt but ignored it or knew it was bad and justified your behaviour in some way. I was eventually told I 'deserved' to have many of the things you've described done to me and guilt didn't come into it. I'll probably never recover from what happened", especially since I can't understand why if the person who did it to me felt guilt but didn't stop.


I have a friend who felt bad about something he did to another child, and apologized to this former child 30 yrs later, the guy forgave him and they both felt better. I was kind of surprised they both remembered, it wasn't anything that horrible but I guess they both felt it was wrong, broke their code of friendship and somehow it stayed with them both.

People never deserve to be ill treated. When people do stuff like this they are usually being cowards, totally selfish or have a personality disorder that makes them think they are somehow entitled to treat others badly.
 
I agree that I should definitely do this.

Ah but are you going to get help? I think that is the key.

if you are afraid you will get outed its also nice if you are in counseling because it basically says "I have a problem, I am sorry, I am dealing with it"

I think a good portion of people in sex addiction counseling go there as a way to save their marriages, jobs, whatever. Mea culpa works at least in this society.
 
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Just a quick note about therapy - Hubbie and I went to a marriage councilor and she could not even tell that he was cheating and had had multiple affairs she thought I was not telling the whole truth when it was he. After a few months we quit but after I found out about his cheating (this is not the first time) he told me that the whole time in her office he was feeling so smug as she blamed me for holding back and not sharing my true feelings. BTW, she came highly recommended - LOL so be careful.

Therapy is not perfect and especially when it comes to couples counseling it requires finding the right person you can work with. There are good therapists and bad ones, some who are good at some things and not others, some who shouldn't be in the business *shrug*. Working with a therapist is a very personal thing, everyone is quite different. Among other things, if you don't trust the therapist, if you believe they are judging you, or otherwise aren't trustworthy, you walk away. Thing is, if the patient refuses to be honest, if they go in lying, it isn't going to work. A cheater going to a couples counselor and lying and so forth doesn't want to be there......it is why mandated counseling in divorce actions often fail, because the people don't really want to be there, or one does and one doesn't. If a counselor or therapist is taking sides, if both people aren't getting beaten up, so to speak, it means they probably are shit (and a lot are).

Therapy is kind of like drug rehab or learning a new skill or a lot of other things, it only works if the patient wants it to work. Therapists can be good at telling if someone is lying, if someone is witholding stuff, but it isn't perfect, and quite frankly someone can ruin a session even with the best therapists if they want to......what your couple's session sounds like is you wanted it and he didn't, and that ain't gonna work, both people have to be committed to it...and if a therapist doesn't work for one partner or the other, the answer is to find another one until one they both feel good with is found. My spouse and I saw a couples counselor over issues we were having with our family of origins and it was a joke; we went to another therapist in dealing with an issue about sexuality, and within a couple of sessions we both started uncovering the real issues in ourselves and in our relationship and got to the real nitty gritty issues, because we both trusted her as individuals and as a couple..both licensed therapists, one a well meaning schmuck, the other one a whiz....
 
I agree, couples counselors can be dicey. Years ago my then partner and I went because we had a MIL problem and the first one we both wanted to throw out the window!

It was kind of amusing in some ways, in both our cultural upbringings you take care of aged relatives and we got a counselor didn't understand the problem at all. At one point he looked at me, her and then the window and I knew exactly what he was thinking.
Eventually we found the right one and came up with a happy working solution to at least that problem.

I think the poster might want to start with individual counseling before attempting couples counseling.
 
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I have a friend who felt bad about something he did to another child, and apologized to this former child 30 yrs later, the guy forgave him and they both felt better. I was kind of surprised they both remembered, it wasn't anything that horrible but I guess they both felt it was wrong, broke their code of friendship and somehow it stayed with them both.

People never deserve to be ill treated. When people do stuff like this they are usually being cowards, totally selfish or have a personality disorder that makes them think they are somehow entitled to treat others badly.



A nephew of mine is being taught by a man who had once done some cruel things to me in HS(taunting-teasing crueling, things like that) After haing seen a couple of times and been to a wedding he was also attending - he came over to me and out of a clear blue said that he had often thought of how unkind he was in HS and asked my forgiveness...... these things stic with you forever.
 
Also, My husband has not yet appoligized sincerely and meant it because he said he needed the 'love and attention' she gave him. After 21 years- I don't excite him as she does. He can keep an erection going for 2-3 hours and thinks I should be able to enjoy sex everyday for a couple of hours if I really loved him. (I guess I am getting a little off topic -sorry)

Anyway, appologies only help if they are truely in your heart and you don't repeat the behavior.
 
Thank you again for all the responses.

You have offered very good advice, and I believe it can help me.

I also hope that anyone reading this who might be thinking about cheating (or messing around with someone who already has a partner) will take the advice and choose to walk away instead.

I have learned from this experience that when you hurt someone else, not only do they pay dearly for your actions, YOU pay for it later when karma finally does come around. It's not worth the few minutes of pleasure to inflict so much pain.

Glad to see things are sticking. I know it's a hard road. Yikes. I can't imagine what you'll be dealing with when you get to the root of your problems. But the good news is that you've recognized that there is a problem. And that you're willing to actually seek help is another plus. But do follow through with it all. Don't just sit back and assume things will get better. There is a legitimate need to get to the root cause. As I said, cheating is only a symptom.

Best of luck. And it's good having you around here.
 
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Have you ever been tempted to "out" her, to make her life miserable for what she has done to you? Whether here on the forum or in her "real life" (to her coworkers, boss, friends, family, etc.)? Why or why not?

I've not been cheated upon, but one of my good friends has. And yes, when she found out, she made every attempt possible to out both her then husband and the other woman. IRC, the other woman's kids attended the same school as my friend's kids did and she had someone write on the walls in the girls and boys bathrooms, "X is a home wrecking whore".

Her rationale was that both her husband and the other woman went to such lengths to present themselves as pillars of the community and she wanted everyone to know that was definitely NOT the case.
 
I can see why the mutual friend would feel betrayed, but I think that's a bit much.
 
Perhaps it is, but it's happening regardless.

Now I am left with the question of whether it is better to out myself, or let this drag on and be outed on his timetable.

Am I the only one who is enthralled in this thread? And am I the only one who totally supports TL? I'm a huge fan. Sure, she did some shitty stuff. But we've all done bad stuff to some degree. And it's east to sit and cast stones when we are currently in a place of moral high ground. But we've all been failures at some point. And I think TL is really sad about what she did. And I think she genuinely sees she needs to make a change. Thankfully most people have been supportive. It's one thing when someone comes here and tries to justify their shit. She came and listened to our advice.

You've got a fan here Ms Librarian.
 
I wonder at why this mutual friend would also wish to expose his friends who have moved on. Does this couple really want everyone to know that one of them was cheating? and if they do isn't for them to say so, not a 3rd party?

This is a private matter between the 3 of you plus anyone you were involved with, and even within that group it is a set of couples who must deal with their stuff between each other.

If you decide to out yourself, I would not name any names. I would not out yourself out of respect for innocence person who would get hurt if you did.

I would apologize to this guy for lying/upsetting him whatever and leave it at that. Neither admit or deny to anyone who asks you. Use misdirection. Private lives are private lives.
 
Was it worth it to your friend to do this? What was the result?

This is essentially what is happening to me. I passed myself off as a sweet, innocent young lady, but the truth is that I was lying every step of the way. Friends, family and coworkers always saw the kind and friendly side, but they never saw the way I would hide behind a persona to wreck havoc on relationships and lives.

A "friend" of mine turned out to be friends with both the man I cheated with and his significant other. Though the woman forgave her partner and they moved on, the mutual friend feels very betrayed (after all, I lied to him too) and believes it's time justice be done, both for his sake and on their behalf.

Therefore, my public disgrace, outing to everyone, and the nightmare that is now starting to pick up steam.

I can't speak to the "friend" who is outing you. To be quite honest, I don't see how he rationalizes his actions as he was not directly affected. As for my friend? It was a matter of revenge, pure and simple. Since neither of them showed any consideration for her or her feelings, she felt none was owed to either of them. Both of the cheaters ended up divorcing their spouses and though they stayed together for a short bit afterwards, they ended up splitting as well.

As for worth it? Well, let's just say my friend has never expressed regret over her actions. I don't know that I'd do the same, but I can see why she felt justified.
 
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Am I the only one who is enthralled in this thread? And am I the only one who totally supports TL? I'm a huge fan. Sure, she did some shitty stuff. But we've all done bad stuff to some degree. And it's east to sit and cast stones when we are currently in a place of moral high ground. But we've all been failures at some point. And I think TL is really sad about what she did. And I think she genuinely sees she needs to make a change. Thankfully most people have been supportive. It's one thing when someone comes here and tries to justify their shit. She came and listened to our advice.

You've got a fan here Ms Librarian.

I'm a bit impressed by TL's apparently constructive, honest approach. No one can live in the past. and although TL did some bad stuff, that's done and can't be changed. What matters is how she goes forward. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I'd ever been cheated on. I like to think I'd forgive, but really, I don't know that either.
 
I'm a bit impressed by TL's apparently constructive, honest approach. No one can live in the past. and although TL did some bad stuff, that's done and can't be changed. What matters is how she goes forward. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I'd ever been cheated on. I like to think I'd forgive, but really, I don't know that either.

I will be impressed if she uses this experience as a motivation for change. I don't get much feeling of empathy for those she has hurt in her posts but hopefully I am wrong.
 
I am very sorry this happened to you. The fact that she tried to get him back again after she knew that you found out reminds me of the callous way I treated people.

I have a question: You obviously know who this woman is. She has obviously caused a great deal of heartbreak but seems to have no remorse about it (as evidenced by the fact that she kept coming after him).

Have you ever been tempted to "out" her, to make her life miserable for what she has done to you? Whether here on the forum or in her "real life" (to her coworkers, boss, friends, family, etc.)? Why or why not?


LOL, I SOOOOO wanted to do just that. I even thought of leaving a message on her home machine and found her husands Facebook page. But, When I called her I was determined to be the 'me' that I always have been. I did not scream or call her names. She even told my husband that she was awed by how much class I used and how she was a screaming bitch when she called the woman who cheated with her husband.

She is a liar, and a horrible example of a human being but he fell in love with her....so what does that say. (Actually fell in love with a fantasy which was created by her -not that I only blame her) I see her thread and see her tens of thousands of posts which she is very proud of. She is a screwed up, self centerd trashy 'thing'and I pity her because she has no moral compass and I guess neither does my husband. As to her coming back after she said she wouldn't, she did that again and again - she has NO HONOR. She texted me recently and told me that she "is a woman of her word and would never contact him again" but I know that to be a lie.

Now I have to decide if I can ever trust him again.
 
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Isn't this a great thread.

For all those who are curious, "The_Librarian" is the former "ms_intrigue."

More to come very soon...
 
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