Humor Thread

Zeb_Carter said:

20 worst tramp stamps. Warning: plumber's crack.

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Never quite understood tattoos on the lower back like that. Hell, you can't even see it to enjoy it yourself. Then they get pissed when someone looks at them. I'm just getting to old.

DG Hear said:

Never quite understood tattoos on the lower back like that. Hell, you can't even see it to enjoy it yourself. Then they get pissed when someone looks at them. I'm just getting to old.

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They get them because they want to give their lovers something to look at besides the crack of their ass as they do it doggie style, which is the way they like their sex anyway.





A somewhat practical application...

Zeb_Carter said:

They get them because they want to give their lovers something to look at besides the crack of their ass as they do it doggie style, which is the way they like their sex anyway.

A somewhat practical application...

Click to expand...

Personally, I would much rather look at a woman's ass than her tattoo, even an amusing display like the illustration. Most tattoos in that place, at least that I have seen, are just floral or similar displays.

Zeb_Carter said:

20 worst tramp stamps. Warning: plumber's crack.

Click to expand...

Click the link above and be amazed at what people put on their backsides.

A Child's Prayer...

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.

Amen

Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

Jokes from some comedians.
DG

Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

I read in Cosmopolitan Magazine that men and women find satin sheets in bed very sexy, which is exactly why I am not going to be buying them. Because that's what I need in my bed is another thing that will make me ejaculate more quickly -- no thank you. No thank you, I'll just stick with the Smurf sheets.

Hustler Magazine is probably the worst magazine in the world. You ever look at that thing? It's awful. You just get the impression that their motto is, 'We don't spend a whole lot of money on good looking women, and we pass the savings along to you.'

I'd like to die while making love -- that'd be great -- but after the orgasm. It'd be terrible to die before the orgasm. I'd be up in heaven; people would be pointing at me: 'She looks so tense. Someone should send her back for, like, an hour.'

A couple of marriage jokes

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take tosay "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "Im sorry" ?


A woman and her lover are on the bed in the womans home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close."Oh, no, its my husband!"

The man says, "Wheres your back door?"

"We dont have a back door" says the woman.

The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

The 11th Husband !!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him !!

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?

"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". ..
"This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

HP, here's one I came up with upon seeing a colleague wearing a t-shirt with the slogan:

"I have a mind like a steel trap!"

"Yes, indeed," I said to the student standing beside him; "it snaps shut whenever it's disturbed."

Loved them HP. Can even relate to a few.
Thanks as always for posing here.
DG

Jeff Caldwell: Birth Control

My wife's birth control pills also prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.


Gene Pompa: Talk to Me

The first time we were having sex, in the middle of it, she turns into this tigress. You know, she starts going, 'Talk to me, talk to me.' And I said, 'Hi, how are you? How's work?'


Chad Daniels: Mother-In-Law

One day, she was at our house holding our wedding picture. She goes, 'I don't know why she married you.'

I was like, 'I do. See the ring bearer? That's our son.'

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger:
"I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eeishh, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees, he is sick today.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Patton Oswalt: G-Rated Filth

To me, G-rated filth is so much creepier than just filth. If you're going to curse, like if you're going to say 'suck my d*ck' or 'f**k you,' just say it and then bleep it, rather than going, 'I'm going to fill your hoo-ha with goof-juice!'


Patton Oswalt: Please Spell Check Porn E-Mails
Porn e-mailers: if you're out there -- I know there's eight of you here -- please spell check your porn emails before you spam me. I know that I'm going to get porn emails forever -- I'm OK with that -- but just spell check them because I'm super OCD and I'll read something until it makes sense. And I don't want to waste 15 minutes going, 'Why does a Mexicorn duke want to slow-bur on my pens?'


Andy Borowitz: Movie Titles on Your Bill

Issue number one: hotel porn. Now, I'm not saying I'm against it. I think, on the whole, I'm for it. But I think that they should rewrite the way the ordering instructions on screen are phrased because, right now, what it always says is 'Movie titles will not appear on your bill.' Now, personally, I think that it's sad enough that I'm sitting alone in a hotel room watching porn. They really don't need to introduce that whole element of shame into it. I mean, they might as well say, 'Movie titles will not appear on your screen, you sick, sick bastard.'

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
'Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a
way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the 'beginning'.'

'Oh, is that so? Tell me...' replies God.

'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

'Well, that's interesting. Show Me. '
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

'Oh no, no, no...' interrupts God,
(I love this)

'Get your own dirt.'

Loved it Jack. Made me laugh. I like to laugh.
Thank you
DG

Flat Chest

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

One-Liners

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

Crudebug said:

Hi DG...
managed to find tme to peek in at the Lit...
Am so far behind in checking out the joikes on the thread...
still on page 211... lol..
As I find time in between, this bug will eventually crawl up to this page..
WIll also post soon.. but right now am still snowed under. deeeeep.
Am sure glad to c u kept this one going...
a beautifully insane place for a sanity check... lol..
Cheers to you and the rest who keep this thread ticking along..

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Thanks Crude, nice to hear from you.
Kepp safe and Happy Easter.
DG

A couple of funnies...

Zeb_Carter said:

A couple of funnies...

Click to expand...

can't read it. too small

. . . or you could use the Zoom feature. Ctrl + for larger and Ctrl - for smaller or Ctrl 0 for normal size.

30 Things PORN has taught us

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women always moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
13. Men always groan OH YEAH! when they cum.
14. If there is two of them they high five each other (and the girl is not disgusted!)
15. Double penetration makes women smile.
16. Asian men don't exist.
17. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriends mouth.
18. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
19. Men always pull out.
20. When you girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.
21. Women never have headaches…or periods.
22. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to suck.
23. Assholes are clean.
24. Woman always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock.
25. Men don't have to beg.
26. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
27. Every guy has a penis as big as Peter North.
28. All women are completely bald.
29. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
30. Any other girl is a MILF.