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Did you ever have a "is something wrong with me" moment regarding your BDSM kinks?

Never really had the 'what's wrong with me' moment but I have had 'I wish I was a bit more hard core' moments. I love seeing how some people can handle certain things, then turn and around and know I'd never be able to do it. Gotta love envy sometimes!

As a kid my fantasies were a bit twisted, but I never thought anything was wrong with me. Just made me wonder if I'd ever find someone that would understand and share those twisted fantasies with me. I've always been an open minded kind of person, even before I knew that this stuff was real. So when I did finally discover it, not much took me by surprise.
 
I've come to the conclusion that I can't look at the way the world is and expect anyone to have nothing wrong with them. The idea that we have to sanitize every bit of our sexuality to make it palatable to the mental health industry is absolutely worrisome to me.

You probably got some fucked up messages of one kind or another at some point in your existence that color what you want. And there's no reason to believe you can undo the effects or should have to want to. Personally I'm NOT OK saying that they're sunshiney rainbows of sexual variation and just kisses with vigor - they're grown up games and the deck is stacked in my favor and I make it abundantly clear over and over.

It's HOW you play the hand you are dealt that matters. So in my case, if my propensity for violent control is taken up with a willing partner and not an unwilling party, then I think we're doing pretty good. Same thing but opposite positions if you're into having unpleasant scenarios enacted upon you for funsies.

And yes, I said violent. And yes I said control.

"Nothing wrong with me" is a fantasy. Are you dealing with the things that are wrong with you in a way that hurts other people nonconsensually or are you doing your best not to do that.

I don't think how I get it on or who with, assuming we're both consenting adults, really takes any karmic points away from me. And certainly not them.
 
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Those who judge themselves to be qualified to define what is right and what is wrong often rely upon, but almost never understand, statistics: the normal distribution has no limits to it, no upper boundary, no lower boundary. So whatever you are, you are never abnormal, at most (or least) you are improbable.
 
MissShelly said:
In the begining of your kink, or even later, have you ever asked yourself, "Is there something wrong with me for liking this?"

I had to smile when I read that. The first paragraph of my story "The Path of Pain" is:
Click to expand...

"I must be crazy," Elise thought fleetingly as she jabbed the needle into her left breast, two inches below the nipple.
Click to expand...

In a way, the whole story is about that question. As Elise tortures herself, the question is always in the back of her mind. She acknowledges it, and yet she persists in that compulsion, and knows that her behavior isn't going to change. One part of her has given herself carte blanche, even considering variations on her routine to augment the pain, while another part looks on in disapproval.

Need I add that this story comes out of personal experience?
 
I never felt there was something wrong with me, but I've never really felt the need to be "normal" whatever that is. However, I have wondered to myself why I like the things I do. I mean the physical stuff I get. The sensory seeking stuff and love of pain I get. I even kind of get the desire for control, because I work so hard to be in control of my emotional self in most of my life it helps me let go and turn off my neurotic brain and just experience and feel.

However, there are some things to do with humiliation and mental masochism that I just don't get. Why do I like for him to push my buttons and mess with me? I don't think it's bad or wrong that I enjoy these things, but I want to get it! I'm no more crazy than everyone else. We've all got a bit of strange in our heads. What makes it wrong is if what we're doing puts out negativity into the world and harms others.
 
I feel like any questions in my mind about it were always triggered by the negative portrayal of bdsm in mainstream media, and I take it as sort of a "check-in" with myself to reassure that I am playing ethically, them my next reaction is exasperation with mainstream uninformed opinions about bdsm and I end on a happy note knowing that what they think we do is so far from what we actually do as to be rediculous. And all is well because it's not me that's completely off base, it's them!!
 
Great thread, thanks all, reassuring in so many ways.

Yes, often felt something is wrong, felt 'disgusted' with my desires and what I had been doing to fulfil them. This is at its worst after a long intense session and a huge orgasm. The adrenalin gone, the pleasure subsides and all that is left is a pile of rope, toys and, in my case, some non-male clothing I love to wear. It's at that point the doubt creeps in.

Twice in recent years I have thrown away so many toys, restraints and pairs of nylons afterwards it's cost me a fortune, yet a month later I start again. Well, no more. When I do get doubting moments I ride them out, maybe desist for a while until the desire returns as it always does. It's not wrong but different, and I choose my play partners carefully and with honest dialogue beforehand. No nasty surprises I guess!
 
I never thought something was wrong with me but I grew up close to Hollywood and was in the goth scene starting from around 12. People didn't even blink twice at anything BDSM. My most often thought is, "Why aren't there more people like me?".
 
MissShelly said:
In the beginning of your kink, or even later, have you ever asked yourself, "Is there something wrong with me for liking this?"
Click to expand...

This question could be asked of any lifestyle, regardless of whether it is considered a kink or not. For example: There are many people in this country who live a wholesome, moral, christian life, yet there are an equal number of people in other countries who call them "the Great Satan", and if they had the power, would see them dead. It is not whether other people would ask, Is there is something wrong with you", it is whether your kink/lifestyle is right for you in your opinion. If you are not harming anyone else, and not causing permanent harm to yourself, exactly how is it wrong? If it fulfills an emotional/physical need within yourself, isn't that what all of us want? To find life fulfilling?

We are all different, and we all have different needs. All you have to do is read Literotic message boards to see how different we all are. I'm sure there are a few really strange people here on Lit, but most are no different from you or I. Just trying to find a little happiness in life.

Spring is here, and the weather is warming; take a walk in the park, listen to the birds sing, feel the warm sun on your face, and contemplate what is right for you. You will find you answer there. Don't judge yourself by the standards of others.
 
Only for 42 years or so and then I found out what it was and that other's shared variations, made peace, accepted me as I am. :rose:
 
When you first discover this whole bdsm thing, you worry that you're different from other people, that you're a pervert, someone who needs to see a doctor. But you're not. In fact many people enjoy bondage or d/s, friends, family, colleagues and you don't know about it. If you find someone who shares your interests, you start to relax a bit and you think that you're not alone.
 
I don't know. Maybe because I kind of grew into adulthood with the internet, but I never worried about my interests.
 
I am so glad for this post. As I am in the beginning of my journey of bdsm, I often find myself wondering this sometimes. I know there are so many other people out there like me, and I know that I am consenting to what is being done to me. But I can't help but wonder at certain times, if some of the things that I enjoy are in fact wrong. As time goes on I am learning to accept them, because I know I am not hurting anyone, and I get absolute joy and pleasure out of it.

I think it's hard when you don't know too many people who are really into bdsm. I know the only person who I know in person, would be the Dom who has taken me on as his sub-in-training. I have tried to talk to a close friend about it, but they just don't understand the struggle that I have sometimes after. So I am definitely grateful to have a really good relationship with the guy I am exploring with that I can spill my heart and thoughts to help. And I am glad I have found this place with other like minded people!:heart:
 
I personally haven't ever thought like that when it comes to what I'm into. If others don't like it,oh well.it's my life,not theirs.

I have a few friends that have similar kinks and one that has totally different kinks than mine. A whole other ball field different. It doesn't make them bad people or wonder if it's alright to feel as they do_Or even different from the average. Someone's kinks are theirs,not anyone else's. I could care less what people,in general, think of me and my kinks. Cause I KNOW I'm fine and there isn't a damn thing wrong with me,concerning kinks. :D;)
 
Thank you, to everyone for sharing your thoughts, experiences and opinions. When I first posted here, I was uncertain of how my naivety of BDSM would be taken and it was really hard for me to be open with my questions.

I appreciate that y'all don't make me feel stupid for asking questions. I've come to feel... bolder (I guess is the word) and less uncertain and shy about participating and asking my questions.

Thanks for making this a place I can come. I honestly don't know many people who are into "kink," so it's nice to know there is a place to open up without fear of judgment. :) It also has given me the courage to open up more to my husband about my wants, and that's great. Even though we haven't had much play time due to him being away for work, we'll be back together soon and he's definitely interetsted in this... and I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't borrowed some of your courage to just lay it all out for him.

So again.. thank you. I appreciate you!
 
MissShelly said:
Thank you, to everyone for sharing your thoughts, experiences and opinions. When I first posted here, I was uncertain of how my naivety of BDSM would be taken and it was really hard for me to be open with my questions.

I appreciate that y'all don't make me feel stupid for asking questions. I've come to feel... bolder (I guess is the word) and less uncertain and shy about participating and asking my questions.

Thanks for making this a place I can come. I honestly don't know many people who are into "kink," so it's nice to know there is a place to open up without fear of judgment. :) It also has given me the courage to open up more to my husband about my wants, and that's great. Even though we haven't had much play time due to him being away for work, we'll be back together soon and he's definitely interetsted in this... and I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't borrowed some of your courage to just lay it all out for him.

So again.. thank you. I appreciate you!
Click to expand...

There are a few older threads about this too. Maybe you can find them in the library.
This is the only one I remembered enough to find and it is a bit about the same as your OP:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=709705&highlight=Movie
 
This is probably one of the most interesting and enlightening threads I've come across on Lit. So many of the questions you guys have raised (and answered) about yourselves are ones I've asked myself many times but I've never really managed to form a coherent answer to all of it. What's been shared here has helped with so many of my questions, so thank you from me also. I think one of the dangers of bdsm being considered by some people as somehow wrong, or twisted (something that has been said to me before when I've had conversations with friends about it) is that if you are unsure of anything, and if you attach guilt to those fantasies or activities that you enjoy, it's hard to seek reassurance that this doesn't make you "abnormal" as there's already a societal judgement passed on it.

Apologies if this is slightly rambling or incoherent......its late where I am and my brain is a little fried! I knew what I wanted to express but the words didn't really flow tonight!
 
I've always felt weird expressing my desire to try a BDSM lifestyle. I have yet to meet someone that I can explore with.
 
I too have given this much thought. There are pleasure "centers" and pain centers and happiness "centers" and so on in our brains. Sometimes, somehow what gives us sexual pleasure gets mixed up with these other parts of the brain. And since nature bestowed up with a strong sex drive ( to continue the species) when our sex drive gets "mixed up" with these centers in our brain we are turned on by things like BDSM.

Men are "supposed" to get turned on by the sight of a naked woman. The flair of round "child bearing" hips. Big breasts. The scent of a woman's arousal. We are "wired" for this. We can explain this with evolution. My guess is that kinks are a combination of nature and nurture.

Am I "supposed" to get turned on by my own personal kinks? I don't think so. But I do. But I ask myself "Am I hurting anyone?", "Am I hurting myself?". If the answer is "no" and "no" then I think it is fine. If either answer is "yes" I need to stop and find another outlet. If the answer is "maybe" I need to pause and make sure it is "no" before I act on them.

I think most anything sexual done in the context of a mutual, loving, respectful relationship is OK. The hard part may be finding someone who shares your kink.

So in conclusion, it isn't "wrong" to get turned on by something disturbing you see on CSI as long as you can separate fiction from reality and you act in a mutual, loving, respectful way.
 
I too have given this much thought. There are pleasure "centers" and pain centers and happiness "centers" and so on in our brains. Sometimes, somehow what gives us sexual pleasure gets mixed up with these other parts of the brain. And since nature bestowed up with a strong sex drive ( to continue the species) when our sex drive gets "mixed up" with these centers in our brain we are turned on by things like BDSM.

Men are "supposed" to get turned on by the sight of a naked woman. The flair of round "child bearing" hips. Big breasts. The scent of a woman's arousal. We are "wired" for this. We can explain this with evolution. My guess is that kinks are a combination of nature and nurture.

Am I "supposed" to get turned on by my own personal kinks? I don't think so. But I do. But I ask myself "Am I hurting anyone?", "Am I hurting myself?". If the answer is "no" and "no" then I think it is fine. If either answer is "yes" I need to stop and find another outlet. If the answer is "maybe" I need to pause and make sure it is "no" before I act on them.

I think most anything sexual done in the context of a mutual, loving, respectful relationship is OK. The hard part may be finding someone who shares your kink.

So in conclusion, it isn't "wrong" to get turned on by something disturbing you see on CSI as long as you can separate fiction from reality and you act in a mutual, loving, respectful way.
 
ReadingExcitesMe said:
I've always felt weird expressing my desire to try a BDSM lifestyle. I have yet to meet someone that I can explore with.
Click to expand...


I met a woman off Lit who was in the same situation. She had lots of fantasies and liked to write about them, but it wasn't until she tried them in real life that she really blossomed. It is certainly scary at first because it seems out of the norm, but eventually realize it just another way to have pleasure. Exploration is the correct word because the BDSM lifestyle is so wide open, you will not know what really turns you on until you try it. If something doesn't work for you, don't do it again. Just find a partner mature in the lifestyle that knows how to guide and teach you. Then enjoy yourself.
 
I've been called a born kinkster on more than one occasion. I don't know if that's true but I certainly had the desires well before I had the vocabulary to describe them. That place, the space between sweaty half formed fantasy and knowledge was hardest for me. I wasted so much time being afraid of what I might become.

I can trace elements of control back to my earliest fantasies. When I was in the 8th grade we had this reading techer. She was fresh out of school with strawbery blonde hair and little plaid skirts. And all I wanted to was tie her to the ceiling and make her scream my name. It was horrifying. And then, eventually, I got internet access and training and experience. I found a community and I accepted myself. But yes...one too many episodes of criminal minds and I am right back where I started.

The Control Book is a great resource for me in those times.
 
Sometimes I do wonder what's wrong with me, but more and more I realize that I am discovering what's right with me or for me.
 
I know there's lots "wrong" with me...

But wrong changes based on the time, society, and the peer group we find ourselves in. Next to Him, submission is absolutely right (& so is my testing or needing to be broken still).

I have had issues with hearing other people's opinions echo in my head and start to cause me to question why I'd accept damn near anything He does to keep Him. You know the "you deserve better", " you're young, pretty and could find someone who treats you like a princess", and "you don't need a man" sorts things. I know I don't need a man. I don't need Him to support myself or live what others would see as a full successful life. But I need Him to be happy and truly live. And I think turning this page and starting the journey into a D/s lifestyle might finally give make me stop feeling the need to justify that to anyone....
 
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