J
JAMESBJOHNSON
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My wife has been to every show for 41 years.
Thoughtful advice would be appreciated.
- Thread starter southern_gal
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My wife has been to every show for 41 years.
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
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You realize if this were a rom-com you would end up as the next Mrs. Brimley*, right?
I am enjoying the banter.
(*The Brimley reference is due to an old avatar of JBJ's handsome mug.)
southern_gal
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I am guessing she has to be the sweetest woman on earth. Someone has to balance you out.
Emerson40
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southern_gal
The zoo was fun.
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Was it this one
or this one?
I'm confused. Which one is which? Actually the first one is better looking.
J
JAMESBJOHNSON
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She isn't looking at my sociopaths eyes. With natural born haters you can see the white on 3 sides of their eyes.
Plus my body belongs to Kim Kardashian.
southern_gal
The zoo was fun.
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Wonderful I'm gonna have that image hanging out in my mind this evening. Fabulous.
KrazyWhiteBoy
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Counseling, definitely!!!
As an over the road (OTR) truck driver, I am very familiar with the male side of a relationship like yours. I am out 2-3 weeks and home for two days and back out. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have been to couples counseling, and individual counseling, multiple times over the years. I have tried changing jobs, lost jobs, quit good jobs, but I keep going back to OTR. Part of it is the money, but a large part is only having to worry about my own needs while I'm OTR. This is something I have just recently realized. I don't like it, because it proves how selfish I am. I do believe it is something the majority of men are guilty of. Having to deal with the daily minutiae of running a household drives me crazy. I know it's because of the examples I saw growing up. I want to be able to come home, have my drink made for me, house immaculate, watch my programs, dinner made, laundry done. Selfish! I make the money, I shouldn't have to do anything when I get home except what I want. Selfish.
Your description of your husband sounds very similar. He works hard, he makes the money, he's going to do what he wants to do. Counseling! You should go just for yourself no matter what he decides. It's easy for us, men, to take the women in our lives for granted. If nothing else, the counselor can give you advice on how to approach this subject with your husband.
As an over the road (OTR) truck driver, I am very familiar with the male side of a relationship like yours. I am out 2-3 weeks and home for two days and back out. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have been to couples counseling, and individual counseling, multiple times over the years. I have tried changing jobs, lost jobs, quit good jobs, but I keep going back to OTR. Part of it is the money, but a large part is only having to worry about my own needs while I'm OTR. This is something I have just recently realized. I don't like it, because it proves how selfish I am. I do believe it is something the majority of men are guilty of. Having to deal with the daily minutiae of running a household drives me crazy. I know it's because of the examples I saw growing up. I want to be able to come home, have my drink made for me, house immaculate, watch my programs, dinner made, laundry done. Selfish! I make the money, I shouldn't have to do anything when I get home except what I want. Selfish.
Your description of your husband sounds very similar. He works hard, he makes the money, he's going to do what he wants to do. Counseling! You should go just for yourself no matter what he decides. It's easy for us, men, to take the women in our lives for granted. If nothing else, the counselor can give you advice on how to approach this subject with your husband.
pete
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i haven't read thru all the posts, but hopefully you've found some helpful advice to your dilemma, SG
just remember - you're never alone. there are people out there who think and feel much the same way you do, have been thru what you're going thru, and who care about what happens to you, even when it seems like no one does.
just remember - you're never alone. there are people out there who think and feel much the same way you do, have been thru what you're going thru, and who care about what happens to you, even when it seems like no one does.
subwannabe
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You're probably not going to want to read this but I am writing it with the best intentions. Your husband who you loved has died, passed away. There is nothing left of your marriage but memories. You should hold on to them, nurture them, give yourself time to grieve, and then move on with the rest of your life. Your husband is not going to come back to life so you have a choice of grieving for the rest of your life and continuing to be miserable or putting a period on it and moving on to the next phase. That's the bottom line. Unfortunately, wishful thinking is not going to bring back the past and no marriage counselor can bring back the past for you either. It's over.
southern_gal
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I cannot thank you enough for those insights and advice. You made some points that you have experienced that I had honestly never considered before. Thank you for admitting those things and I will give that a lot of thought.
I have found so many wonderful people that are honestly wanting to share what they have dealt with and encourage me in my dealing with a similar situation.
I wish I could say it loudly enough that in my OP when I said I was considering an affair that it was pure frustration that made me type that. I am committed to both my husband and my marriage so please, all of you that keep sending me pm's both hurtful and trying to be helpful, I am not gonna run off with another man. (besides who in their right mind wants two headaches like that?
)southern_gal
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I feel more sorry for you than I ever did for me. You are, in my opinion, about as wrong about my situation as anyone could ever be. First of all even if we ended up separated some day (which isn't gonna happen) it is in no way akin to death. If you have every lost a true loved one you know that the devastation that comes from that is second to nothing. My husband still loves me. Of that I am confidant. I am learning that he has much less time to do things which he enjoys doing and he is trying to balance his own wants and needs with mine. It is time I give the man a break. He is literally risking his life every time he leaves home for work. Just like truck drivers, police, fireman and many others everyday. He has job stresses like the rest of us and his release is thru fishing, golfing and spending some time away from work with his friends. He has always wanted to include me in these events but I have gotten selfish and wanted him all to myself when he's home. That was wrong. I admit it.
My challenge is to see what he is doing that proves and shows that he loves me and not demand that I be the only object of his attention. It is indeed something that I can and will focus on and in the end, it is well worth it because thank GOD my husband is not dead and neither is my marriage.
Bramblethorn
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If you're invited to those activities and they let you get quality time with him, that's great. But it's also quite reasonable to expect some time with him alone, if that's what you want.
Being a supportive partner and committed to making a relationship work is a good thing, but it doesn't mean martyring yourself and suppressing your own needs. IMHO a relationship is a bit like a rope: it doesn't matter how hard you hang on to your end if the other person isn't holding on to theirs.
KrazyWhiteBoy
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Yes!! This!!! It's not wrong to want him to yourself sometimes. To me, that's part of the bargain when you get married. If I didn't want to spend the majority of my personal time with my wife, why get married?
southern_gal
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I don't want to paint my husband as selfish. I get my time. He is actually doing a good job of balancing my demands on his time with his own activities and hobbies. When he worked a normal job we didn't spend every non working waking hour together, but now that he's gone a lot I'm missing that time more and maybe becoming more selfish and wanting more of his time than I should. He loves me and has always shown that I just have found that I miss him a lot even though this has gone on for a couple of years now. Hopefully he will soon decide to transfer back to a job onshore but if he does it will not be because I have given a deadline or any threats. I want him to do it for us but I can live with it if he decides to keep doing that job longer. It is after all something he has wanted to do for literally as long as I have known him. There are, I suppose, bigger tragedies in life.
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KrazyWhiteBoy
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I understand what you're saying, but as a man that is gone for weeks at a time, I have to keep in mind what's more important. Is it more important for me to do everything I enjoy when I have time off or spend time doing something together that we both will enjoy?
J
JAMESBJOHNSON
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I don't get all this togetherness crap I'm reading. My wife and I have nothing in common, and its the best way to be. She gets the same care and attention I give the dogs, and they think I'm God. She's going to Miami for the weekend, I'm staying home.
KrazyWhiteBoy
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Yep and you're probably as miserable as the two male role models I had! One's divorced and knows he lost a good woman, the other's so miserable he is estranged from everyone in his family including two teenage granddaughters.
Doog_kuron
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suckonsimon
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Hey, Southern Gal
I've read your main posts and skimmed most else on your thread so forgive me if I'm repeating or missing ... but here goes:
I know a couple of couples where, for years, the guy has worked offshore. What is clear to me is that both those guys see to it that they prioritize time and good times with their woman [and in one case with his kids] when he's home. It is striking to their friends that the expression of these couples closeness with each other is a beautiful thing. It's the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing.
Why hasn't that kicked in for your man? How come he has allowed it to slip away when attention to it, given the nature of his career, is such an obvious responsibility he has?
For four years my wife had a job which meant she had a pad of her own, weekdays, a couple hours drive from our home. I got over there most Wednesday nights and she came home weekends. Can I be frank? The number of times, through those years, when we didn't get further than the bottom of the stairs before she had cock in her - but more important, the number of special outings and treats we shared those weekends.
I'll be blunt now: I feel your man has let you down. Badly. Can he step up to seeing that and sorting it? A lot of guys can't. Why should their women be left hurting and lonely?
Simon
I've read your main posts and skimmed most else on your thread so forgive me if I'm repeating or missing ... but here goes:
I know a couple of couples where, for years, the guy has worked offshore. What is clear to me is that both those guys see to it that they prioritize time and good times with their woman [and in one case with his kids] when he's home. It is striking to their friends that the expression of these couples closeness with each other is a beautiful thing. It's the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing.
Why hasn't that kicked in for your man? How come he has allowed it to slip away when attention to it, given the nature of his career, is such an obvious responsibility he has?
For four years my wife had a job which meant she had a pad of her own, weekdays, a couple hours drive from our home. I got over there most Wednesday nights and she came home weekends. Can I be frank? The number of times, through those years, when we didn't get further than the bottom of the stairs before she had cock in her - but more important, the number of special outings and treats we shared those weekends.
I'll be blunt now: I feel your man has let you down. Badly. Can he step up to seeing that and sorting it? A lot of guys can't. Why should their women be left hurting and lonely?
Simon
socalsunny
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I have been exactly where you are, was there for thirty-six years. Too long, too many sad stories. Two wonderful kids and five grandchildren made me realize, if after all those years and all of my pleading, he didn't quite get the message, it was time for me to move on down the road. My kids understood and told me that it was something that I should have done years before. My ex is a good person, just not the right person for me. His work, friends, hobbies even the dog came before me. Not anymore, the number one priority, me. Not being selfish by nature, that is still very hard for me, I always think of and want to do for others first, but I'm learning. Have no real advice, it's something you have to deal with from your heart. But I do have words and thoughts of encouragement. Have faith in yourself and your inner voice, stay strong.
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
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Very well said.
I used to do seventeen 12 hour night shifts in a 19 day span then leave right after that 17th shift and drive another 4 hours home. The lovely mother of my children was always a shitty housekeeper who never probably noticed the amount of housework I actually did. So when I was gone all that time it was even more overwhelming (understandably) and she would let it all completely go. She would project her own issues onto me and assume I was going to castigate her for that.
In truth our time was so scarce I wasn't about to mention it.
She would (likely) stay up for about 24 hours "catching' up...meaning stuffing things in closets and finally emptying the cat box, doing 2 weeks worth of dishes...so by the time I got home, she was as exhausted as I...and pretty resentful, spoiling for a fight daring me to say something.
Even still I was just glad to see her and wanted to spend some time as Simon suggests. On only one occasion I shocked her by putting off sex for the second time ever, but I had had a rough night in the field, a minefield of cops to doge on the way home and need a couple hour nap.
Those times were stressful.
I rented a place to avoid the $52 a day charge at the barracks for three hots and a cot, and she came for a visit in the summer with the kids and stayed. That part was good we seemed to be reconnecting for a while. Less so as she started drinking and kept waiting for me to play "dad" to her bratty teenager role.
I liked the environment for the kids on one hand but it is horrible for other reasons. Nothing to do, lots of kids into mischief.
Once we were finally in place as a family it was still a 45 minute to an hour commute so now I have 14.5 hour days. During this period of exhaustion she was convinced I was "about" to have an affair. Projection. Idle time, her hometown where she was a party girl and one thing led to another. She made her choices, is OK with her rationalizations.
Not being intimate regularly hurts the bonds necessary for relationship longevity. If he isn't seeing to that, eventually you or he is vulnerable to the attention of something that seems fresh and new. Sex releases bonding chemicals for a reason.
Dear RobDownSouth...if you are taking notes for ammunition still, this is a good post to stalk. It WAS kind of painful. As I say in my profile I like the new chapters of my life. So, don't count on making me cry when you bring it up in a week or two. Some of us learn and grow from our pasts.
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subwannabe
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southern gal: You are making excuses for his bad behavior and rationalizing it. Just remember you posted here, even thinking about affairs (though you probably wouldn't go through with it). Everything in this man's life comes first except for you, dead last. He chose the job, friends, hobbies, etc. all before you and even though he realizes you need more time and affection, one of his responses is to encourage you to have an affair instead of trying to fix his relationship with you. You really are having trouble seeing the forest through the trees. I would say that if you are happy with this relationship then so be it. That's your choice - BUT - you started this thread for a reason.
southern_gal
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Bet you really had to twist her arm to get her to go without you huh?
Hipshot1554
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
