As The Hospital Pervs

SaintPeter said:

Wok gets all the nurse action.

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I am only washing wastebaskets. You are free to squirt your load on her ass. I will wipe that too. I do bukkake clean up too.

Wok said:

I am only washing wastebaskets. You are free to squirt your load on her ass. I will wipe that too. I do bukkake clean up too.

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Leave some nurses for the rest of us you greedy fucker.

SaintPeter said:

Wok gets all the nurse action.

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Pete, I have a special care plan, just for you.

I am so DISGUSTING

At the late end of the shift when it is almost time to go home, and we are all being sillies—the back surgeon!

Back Sx: What is going on here ladies?
Me: I don’t know, we have been here for 11 hours and we are still trying to figure that out.
Back Sx: 11 hours? I haven’t had a day off in 7 months! Maybe that is why I am single.
Me: Yes that is probably why.
Nurse P: [to the Back Sx] You need a partner!
Me: Like a dog?
Back Sx: [not amused]
Nurse P: A surgical partner so he can get a day off!

Me: Your patient is in room three with intractable back pain. We need better drugs. Here is the daughters phone number, can you please call her? She has called 5 times today and wants to speak with you.
Back Sx: Can’t you call her back and tell her the plan? I will be on the phone for an hour!
Me: No.

The unit clerk is looking at available jobs on the hospital website.

Clerk: Oh! Janey! There is a job opening for a full time endoscopy RN!
Me: No thanks! Gastroenterology is not for me!
Clerk: I used to work as a tech in endoscopy! The worse part was cleaning the scopes!
Me: Ew! I wonder if they have suction on those scopes, like a little vacuum to suck out any fecal debris left over after the bowel prep!
Back Sx: You are so disgusting. [with a deep slow voice]

Me: Maybe that is why I am single.

Clerk: The Pharmacist is on the line Janey.
Me: This is Nurse Janey, can I help you?
Pharm: Hey, whoever wrote for this Percocet 7.5mg needs to change it. It is not formulary. Perc 5 or Perc 10 only.
Me: Percocet 7.5! I told him the pain was severe! Can you call the Back Sx and get it changed? I will give you his cell number so you don’t have to call the service.
Pharm: Yeah but it will be a while. It would be quicker if you call him.
<click>

Back Sx: [answers cell with last name]
Me: This is disgusting Nurse Jane, order clarify: Perc 7.5 is not formulary at this fine institution that you have been operating at for years.
Back Sx: Oh Hi.
Me: How about intravenous morphine?
Back Sx: Don’t let the patient out of bed without a back brace on.
Me: Perc 10 or intravenous morphine?

Will I survive the next three back to back?

sweepthefloor said:

Will I survive the next three back to back?

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Yes, I'm sure you will, 'cause if you don't, who/whom, will tell us about it ?
Do they still have Candy Stripers?
Candy Strippers, would be even better.

sweepthefloor said:

I have worked community and city, I see the disparity.
A week off is nice!
My bandage shears have hot pink handles and a few weeks ago I saw a medic with hot pink handled trauma shears in his pocket! I took his picture because he was all big and tough looking with hot pink shears! I asked him what in the world he was doing with those pink shears in his pocket, he said something like: it gives me an excuse to beat the shit out of someone when they laugh at me.
Oh!

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I know a guy with pink shears. He has so that he always knows which pair are his. No one ever steals his scissors.

tactful said:

Yes, I'm sure you will, 'cause if you don't, who/whom, will tell us about it ?
Do they still have Candy Stripers?
Candy Strippers, would be even better.

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I survived but I am finding it hard to compute 1+1! I am not sure which hurts more, my brain or my body.

I wish there were candy stripers, we need help! There are volunteers but they don't wear cute outfits and they don't really do that much. Sometimes they empty a linen cart, I get all happy.

Candy strippers! Dancing on top of the linen carts on wheels!

veryfaithfull said:

I know a guy with pink shears. He has so that he always knows which pair are his. No one ever steals his scissors.

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I would steal his scissors! Guys with pink shears! That is hot.

sweepthefloor said:

I wish there were candy stripers, we need help! There are volunteers but they don't wear cute outfits and they don't really do that much. Sometimes they empty a linen cart, I get all happy.

Candy strippers! Dancing on top of the linen carts on wheels!

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You mean they aren't like that old movie? Damn. That was the only aspect of eventually going to the hospital that I was looking forward to.

sweepthefloor said:

I would steal his scissors! Guys with pink shears! That is hot.

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I bet you would, and he would probably let you. We don't get to many volunteers on the ambulance, instead we get observers. Folks who want to see the "Bad Stuff." They come out for a few hours we show them where we eat, the parking lot with the best wifi signal. We may drive around and introduce them to the local pimp or prostitute, the homeless guy who sits on the corner or maybe the drug dealer that sits on the other corner but they never see anything bad. They leave disappointed go home and go to sleep and we end up running nasty calls for the rest of the night. The trauma gods never deal it out fair.

Balladeer08 said:

You mean they aren't like that old movie? Damn. That was the only aspect of eventually going to the hospital that I was looking forward to.

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Only go to the hospital in your dreams- it is just like the old movie!

veryfaithfull said:

I bet you would, and he would probably let you. We don't get to many volunteers on the ambulance, instead we get observers. Folks who want to see the "Bad Stuff." They come out for a few hours we show them where we eat, the parking lot with the best wifi signal. We may drive around and introduce them to the local pimp or prostitute, the homeless guy who sits on the corner or maybe the drug dealer that sits on the other corner but they never see anything bad. They leave disappointed go home and go to sleep and we end up running nasty calls for the rest of the night. The trauma gods never deal it out fair.

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I want a ride-a-long!

Nurse Janey: Hi. Our patient almost puked in the MRI machine, can I have an order for Zofran for the patient? I already gave it.
Attending: Why are you calling me? I am not on call. Did you call the service? You think it is ok to call me when I am not on call? You already gave it, why are you calling me? You just do what you want anyway. I am changing my cell phone number. This is ridiculous.
Nurse Janey: The residents are MIA, I called service but couldn’t wait for a call back.
Attending: I am not giving you any verbal orders. Don’t call me.
Nurse Janey: You are the attending, please.
Attending: I am attending, but I am off! I signed out last night--and I am still getting phone calls! You nurses are driving me crazy! You are just going to have to call the covering physician to cover yourself now.

I knew he wasn’t on call. I called him anyway. We all need a stiff no, once in a while.

Residents!

Nurse Janey: Can you write for some Zofran for this patient. I already gave it. The MRI machine was making him sick.
Resident: Sure!

Inhale. Put your mouth on this and inhale, suck it in for as long as you can.

You want me to do what with this?

Longer, longer, keep going. Good job.

Nurse: I am taking down these antibiotics. The good news is you do not have pneumonia.
Patient: Now what? Are you gonna sit on my lap, baby cakes?

Nurse: This is an incentive spirometer. It is a breathing exercise to expand your lungs.
Patient: You want me to play with that sex toy?
Nurse: It is not a sex toy. What you do is, exhale, breath out as much as you can, then put your mouth on this and inhale, breath in for as long as you can and raise the little ball to the top.
[Nurse demonstrates without putting mouth on the spirometer]
Patient: Aren’t you supposed to put your mouth on it?

[Nurse blank stare]

Nurse: If you do this ten times an hour we can prevent pneumonia from being in this hospital bed.
Patient: Are you Polish? All Polish girls have legs like yours. Can you raise the head of this bed so I can see your chest better?
Nurse: Let’s raise the head of this bed so you can eat breakfast without choking.

sweepthefloor said:

Inhale. Put your mouth on this and inhale, suck it in for as long as you can.

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So Blow, really is only a figure of speech, eh.

tactful said:

So Blow, really is only a figure of speech, eh.

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Reminds me of one of the few truly useful phrases in Police Spanish that I learned: Sufle aqui.

Most of Police Spanish is only useful in non-law-enforcement situations if you are into B&D. 8)

One of my hospital fantasies is having a well-breasted nurse open her blouse, and then give me a handjob to help me sleep better!

tactful said:

So Blow, really is only a figure of speech, eh.

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Yes, I think so.

lemmesee said:

One of my hospital fantasies is having a well-breasted nurse open her blouse, and then give me a handjob to help me sleep better!

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The night nurse always runs away with the fantasy and I get stuck cleaning up the mess.

It is days like this I wish I worked critical care transport. I am just a bird in an aviary, locked in a tower.

I have pre-medicated myself with a super B and ibuprofen 800mg.
I also parked my little red car in between all these trucks, in the back.
I'm staring at the H- telling it to bring it on for 12.5 hours.