pplwatching
Full grown man
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 2,345
I have more than my fair share of posts littering this web site about living in a sexless marriage, and won't go into them all again here. What I can say is that communicating about this issue is very difficult. The person who wants more sex feels bad for wanting more sex, and the person who doesn't want sex feels bad for not wanting it. I'm sure there are plenty of cases where one or the other person doesn't feel that way, but it was our experience. It was just our inability to communicate about it that made it seem like indifference. Making matters worse, we avoided confronting the issue by avoiding having sex. I avoided rejection by not initiating, and she avoided feeling like a failure by avoiding situations where sex might be on the table.
I can only say that in my case I was lucky that we managed to start talking about it. My wife was able to understand that I wasn't attacking her or blaming her for not wanting sex. She understood that I want it for a lot of reasons, from the intimacy that I crave with her to the pleasure that I want to have with her, and even the pure biological need for sex and physical release. The talks were impossible at first, then difficult, and then eventually became a regular part of our "how is our marriage doing" kinds of talks. We both realized that we needed to create opportunities for intimacy, both inside and outside of the bedroom. We couldn't just crawl into bed together at the end of the day and expect sex to magically happen. We had to be intimate outside of the bedroom. And yes we had to get naked, touch each other, and try to be intimate together in more ways than we could than if we just wanted to fuck.
I think that if one partner genuinely doesn't care, then the marriage is doomed. I also think that this is not the case most of the time. I think that when one person doesn't know what to do about it, they feel powerless and retreat into a shell. That is difficult to overcome, but is imperative if the marriage is going to be healthy. We each need to ask each other, "How can I meet your needs, whatever they are?" We have to understand the problem from each other's point of view, and then fight like hell *together* to keep sex alive *together*.
For us that meant that sometimes when we would make time for sex, that sex wouldn't happen. Sometimes she would just help me masturbate. That sounds pretty one sided, and physically it was. But it was an emotional connection and enabled her to feel like she was at least being a part of the solution. Sometimes she would get aroused and we could get down to the main monkey business.
Over time this process, which seemed completely unsexy and unnatural, became more natural and easier. There were times when I thought "I can't enjoy this because she isn't enjoying it". I couldn't allow myself to feel that way, because it was a kind of sabotage of the process. I had to say "I can enjoy this because it makes her feel good to know that she is participating in this very important part of our marriage".
Slowly we got to where we are now. Not perfect, but not the painful and dark abyss that we were in just a few short years ago. I wish everyone only the best in finding your personal solutions to this. I love my wife. I love our marriage. I love marriage in general, and believe that there is nothing as satisfying or rewarding as maintaining a loving relationship in spite of the challenges. I wish everyone in this "club" the best of luck in getting your spouse or SO to own the fact that the relationship takes to people working on every problem, even when they aren't feeling the need to solve the problem.
Best to everyone
I can only say that in my case I was lucky that we managed to start talking about it. My wife was able to understand that I wasn't attacking her or blaming her for not wanting sex. She understood that I want it for a lot of reasons, from the intimacy that I crave with her to the pleasure that I want to have with her, and even the pure biological need for sex and physical release. The talks were impossible at first, then difficult, and then eventually became a regular part of our "how is our marriage doing" kinds of talks. We both realized that we needed to create opportunities for intimacy, both inside and outside of the bedroom. We couldn't just crawl into bed together at the end of the day and expect sex to magically happen. We had to be intimate outside of the bedroom. And yes we had to get naked, touch each other, and try to be intimate together in more ways than we could than if we just wanted to fuck.
I think that if one partner genuinely doesn't care, then the marriage is doomed. I also think that this is not the case most of the time. I think that when one person doesn't know what to do about it, they feel powerless and retreat into a shell. That is difficult to overcome, but is imperative if the marriage is going to be healthy. We each need to ask each other, "How can I meet your needs, whatever they are?" We have to understand the problem from each other's point of view, and then fight like hell *together* to keep sex alive *together*.
For us that meant that sometimes when we would make time for sex, that sex wouldn't happen. Sometimes she would just help me masturbate. That sounds pretty one sided, and physically it was. But it was an emotional connection and enabled her to feel like she was at least being a part of the solution. Sometimes she would get aroused and we could get down to the main monkey business.
Over time this process, which seemed completely unsexy and unnatural, became more natural and easier. There were times when I thought "I can't enjoy this because she isn't enjoying it". I couldn't allow myself to feel that way, because it was a kind of sabotage of the process. I had to say "I can enjoy this because it makes her feel good to know that she is participating in this very important part of our marriage".
Slowly we got to where we are now. Not perfect, but not the painful and dark abyss that we were in just a few short years ago. I wish everyone only the best in finding your personal solutions to this. I love my wife. I love our marriage. I love marriage in general, and believe that there is nothing as satisfying or rewarding as maintaining a loving relationship in spite of the challenges. I wish everyone in this "club" the best of luck in getting your spouse or SO to own the fact that the relationship takes to people working on every problem, even when they aren't feeling the need to solve the problem.
Best to everyone
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