Top versus Dom
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babslovesherdaddy
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I've read a really great explanation of this written by Stella Omega. I'm looking for the link.
babslovesherdaddy
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KimGordon67
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Oh - that is good.
babslovesherdaddy
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You're welcome!
Lord_Johnny
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Really glad you pointed this out.
As a Dom, I enjoy having things done for and to me by my submissives, and I'm no less dominant for that. I would recommend that link to any and all potential entrants to the BDSM community.
Pardon the expression, babs, but keep it up!
As a Dom, I enjoy having things done for and to me by my submissives, and I'm no less dominant for that. I would recommend that link to any and all potential entrants to the BDSM community.
Pardon the expression, babs, but keep it up!
babslovesherdaddy
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Thanks for the encouragement.
As a submissive, I have a strong desire to top my Dom. I don't want to Dominate Him in any way, as in giving Him orders or controlling Him, I just have a strong desire to make Him feel pleasure by doing things to Him that I know He would enjoy. I don't often get the chance to do this, however, as He is in charge in all our encounters, as He should be. He is very intent on pleasing me and derives His pleasure from that.
Lord_Johnny
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*just nods, and smiles* Well hopefully you'll get more opportunities in the future...
babslovesherdaddy
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Lord_Johnny
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Not TMI. I don't agree with some of that situation, but...I'm not involved and unless someone makes it my business, I have no say or place to comment.
But not TMI
But not TMI
babslovesherdaddy
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Not TMI. I don't agree with some of that situation, but...I'm not involved and unless someone makes it my business, I have no say or place to comment.
But not TMI
Not exactly anything worthy of agreement or disagreement IMO. We communicate well and do what works for us. *shrugs*
Lord_Johnny
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Like I said, not my place to comment.
babslovesherdaddy
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You have got me curious what this comment is. I am wondering if it might be helpful. If you think it is, say it.
SpunThings
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I would like to know as well. This reply seems a bit passive aggressive. Either say it or don't.
cookiecat
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I'm going to guess it's the way babs worded that she has a strong desire to top her dom by doing things that please him or she knows he would enjoy. But she doesn't often get the chance to do that because he's in charge.
He's intent on pleasing babs, and he derives his pleasure from that.
That - for me - sounds mixed up. Maybe because it's more Daddy stuff??? Or because babs and Daddy have a very controlled relationship???
Topping - for me - isn't me doing pleasurable things for my Dominant. That's just the nature of my relationship. I derive my pleasure from doing those things. It's expected. He'd assumes I know what pleases him.
Maybe it's just terminology... but topping - for me - is more trying to manipulate a situation or a person to get what you want. Like acting deliberately bratty in order to get spanked.
Giving my Dominant pleasure is the main part of our relationship.
He's intent on pleasing babs, and he derives his pleasure from that.
That - for me - sounds mixed up. Maybe because it's more Daddy stuff??? Or because babs and Daddy have a very controlled relationship???
Topping - for me - isn't me doing pleasurable things for my Dominant. That's just the nature of my relationship. I derive my pleasure from doing those things. It's expected. He'd assumes I know what pleases him.
Maybe it's just terminology... but topping - for me - is more trying to manipulate a situation or a person to get what you want. Like acting deliberately bratty in order to get spanked.
Giving my Dominant pleasure is the main part of our relationship.
SpunThings
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Your description of topping doesn't fit the one I've seen pretty universally described. It's more based on the phrase "topping from the bottom." Which is kind of a manipulative warping of what I understand to be the original intention of those words.
cookiecat
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LOL. I thought that's what I said? Maybe I didn't say it right.
Doesn't topping from the bottom mean I do something intentionally bratty or rule breaking or against my D's wishes in order to get what I want?
This was babs comment:
And I was confused by the bolded part. For me, that's just a natural part of my D/s relationship, not topping from the bottom.
Help me out!
SpunThings
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LOL. I thought that's what I said? Maybe I didn't say it right.
Doesn't topping from the bottom mean I do something intentionally bratty or rule breaking or against my D's wishes in order to get what I want?
This was babs comment:
And I was confused by the bolded part. For me, that's just a natural part of my D/s relationship, not topping from the bottom.
Help me out!
Actually I would see what she described as being a sub topping her dom. There are legitimate times for topping from the bottom. Maybe the couple is still learning, and the dom tells the sub to direct the impact play so the dom can learn how the sub likes it. I think the more manipulative use of the phrase is when a dom tries to guilt a sub into doing something they don't want, or to make them doubt themselves. If a sub is truly topping from the bottom without permission, a wise dom will just have a conversation and figure out the issue, or ask "Do you want me to be in charge or what?" Then be prepared to stop playing games and end the relationship if necessary. Not try to guilt the sub by saying they are topping from the bottom, ot that they must not REALLY be a sub (which seems to be very common).
Most of the time I see conversations about topping and bottoming, it refers to being the giver or receiver of an action. People who identify as a top are looking for a relationship where they get to do stuff to someone, without having to be in charge outside of possibly the pariculars of an encounter. The reverse is true for people identifying as a bottom.
SpunThings
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LOL. I thought that's what I said? Maybe I didn't say it right.
Doesn't topping from the bottom mean I do something intentionally bratty or rule breaking or against my D's wishes in order to get what I want?
This was babs comment:
And I was confused by the bolded part. For me, that's just a natural part of my D/s relationship, not topping from the bottom.
Help me out!
Ahh I should clarify I was saying your definition seems more based on that phrase, not mine. I see why you came to the conclusion you did.
cookiecat
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I still think we're saying the same thing; I'm just not expressing it very well. I understand that tops/bottoms don't have to be Doms/subs. What you're saying is she's not a bottom topping her top. She's a sub who doesn't want to top her dom???
Topping from the bottom is a phrase that's generally negative. Usually sub manipulating situation. That could be the problem here - I'm viewing it as a cliched negative phrase.
You're absolutely right about the example you give but I see that as communication.
The bolded parts seem to go hand in hand, right? I like the example you give of the wise dom... that IS how it should be. Dom staying in control of situation rather than flipping blame on to sub.
So it's a matter of taking negativity out of the phrase.
cookiecat
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SpunThings
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I think the answer is divorce the word "top" from the manipulative phrase at all. Most people, whose conversations I've observed online, have done just that. Top for them is the person primarily doing stuff to someone, regardless of whose in charge.
ETA Apparently I'm unable to make my point without being redundant.
cookiecat
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LOL. We'll leave it here, then. Thanks for the conversation. I always enjoy your posts.
babslovesherdaddy
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My comments were made with Stella Omega's definitions from the link I posted in mind. I don't top from the bottom i.e. do bratty things to get punished. I like pain and my Daddy knows it so being bratty doesn't get me anything physically painful. Just the opposite, if anything it gets me ignored for a short time, which has not happened often and not in a long time because we both hate it so much. I get a good sound thrashing any time the mood strikes (and opportunity permits) just because, and we like it that way. He is in charge because He needs to be, just as I need Him to be. I think it's because our roles in other areas of our lives are the opposite.
