Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
more bad jokes
Why do women like hunters?
They always go deep into the bush, shoot twice, and eat what they shoot.
If dicks had wings, your ass would be an airport.
Three guys were fishing at a lake in the summer, when one of
them fell in. After rescuing him from the bottom, the first guy
gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Man, this guy really
has bad breath! he exclaimed.
I cant revive him, you give it a try!
The second guy took his turn. Man, you're right, he
does have raunchy bad breath, and i don't remember this
snowmobile suit either!
Who had the earliest recorded case of pms?
Mary. She rode Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem.
Why do women like hunters?
They always go deep into the bush, shoot twice, and eat what they shoot.
If dicks had wings, your ass would be an airport.
Three guys were fishing at a lake in the summer, when one of
them fell in. After rescuing him from the bottom, the first guy
gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Man, this guy really
has bad breath! he exclaimed.
I cant revive him, you give it a try!
The second guy took his turn. Man, you're right, he
does have raunchy bad breath, and i don't remember this
snowmobile suit either!
Who had the earliest recorded case of pms?
Mary. She rode Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem.
SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
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- Mar 21, 2011
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- 16,741
Pure
Fiel a Verdad
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2001
- Posts
- 15,135
hard times
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
More Bad Jokes
A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, "Frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?"
"I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!"
Boy would i like a little pussy, but my wife has a great big huge one.
What is the rodeo position?
Fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
Now try to hold on for 8 seconds.
A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, "Frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?"
"I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!"
Boy would i like a little pussy, but my wife has a great big huge one.
What is the rodeo position?
Fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
Now try to hold on for 8 seconds.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Received this from a friend this morning.
DG
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
DG
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Yep! More Bad Jokes
What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
The wrinkles.
What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
Did you hear about the new deodorant called umpire?
It's for foul balls.
What's brown and sounds like a doorbell?
Dung.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart
pygmies?
The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts.
How can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo anymore.
What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
The wrinkles.
What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
Did you hear about the new deodorant called umpire?
It's for foul balls.
What's brown and sounds like a doorbell?
Dung.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart
pygmies?
The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts.
How can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo anymore.
Last edited:
Angellica1612
Married to Mutato
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- Dec 24, 2011
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- 8,138
Love This!!! Lmao!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Hector Berlioz
Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time. - Margaret Bonnano
Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire. - Jorge Louis Borges
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault
Oh Time! the beautifier of the dead, adorer of the ruin, comforter and only healer when the heart hath bled... Time, the avenger! - Lord Byron
One life - a little gleam of Time between two Eternities. - Thomas Carlyle
Take care of the minutes, for the hours will take care of themselves. - Lord Chesterfield
Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time. - Margaret Bonnano
Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire. - Jorge Louis Borges
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault
Oh Time! the beautifier of the dead, adorer of the ruin, comforter and only healer when the heart hath bled... Time, the avenger! - Lord Byron
One life - a little gleam of Time between two Eternities. - Thomas Carlyle
Take care of the minutes, for the hours will take care of themselves. - Lord Chesterfield
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
A man comes into the ER and yells,
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . Replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a ' massive internal fart. '
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked.' The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis, OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit,
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . . It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
Been dyed green and above it there was a
Tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name,
AND FINALLY!! (almost)! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
Her cheeks from laughing so hard.
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
AND...ONE MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'
A very Happy New Year to all that read and those that contribute to the humor thread.
Best Wishes
DG Hear
A man comes into the ER and yells,
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . Replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a ' massive internal fart. '
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked.' The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis, OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit,
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . . It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
Been dyed green and above it there was a
Tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name,
AND FINALLY!! (almost)! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
Her cheeks from laughing so hard.
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
AND...ONE MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'
A very Happy New Year to all that read and those that contribute to the humor thread.
Best Wishes
DG Hear
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
More Bad Jokes
What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.
What are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. you only get laid once.
2. you only get eaten once.
3. it takes you 7 min. to get hard.
4. you have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. the only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.
What are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. you only get laid once.
2. you only get eaten once.
3. it takes you 7 min. to get hard.
4. you have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. the only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
Tio_Narratore
Studies
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 71,076
Most importantly, HP...
"Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Yes, more bad jokes
What do soy beans and dildos have in common?
Both are meat substitutes.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
Whats so great about being a dick?
Two nuts follow you around all day, your neighbour is an asshole,
and your best friend is a cunt.
What's a cotton picker?
A girl who lost her string in her tampon.
What do soy beans and dildos have in common?
Both are meat substitutes.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
Whats so great about being a dick?
Two nuts follow you around all day, your neighbour is an asshole,
and your best friend is a cunt.
What's a cotton picker?
A girl who lost her string in her tampon.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Some Old, some New
Tell me this won't happen to us!!!
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
___________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she
said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
Tell me this won't happen to us!!!
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
___________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she
said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A Few More
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad.. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had een red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad.. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had een red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
What are the 5 worst things about being a prick?
1. they've got a hole in the head.
2. they've got ring around the collar.
3. their next door neighbours are 2 nuts and an asshole.
4. their best friend is a cunt.
5. every time they get excited they throw up.
Why is sex like pizza?
When its good, its pretty good. and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.
1. they've got a hole in the head.
2. they've got ring around the collar.
3. their next door neighbours are 2 nuts and an asshole.
4. their best friend is a cunt.
5. every time they get excited they throw up.
Why is sex like pizza?
When its good, its pretty good. and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
They walk among us . . . .
Computer Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A black one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button?
Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it.
Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen?
Customer: ...Oh! ...wait a minute..... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.'
I've even lifted the printer over and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer..
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the room.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274.
Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't open Yahoo calender.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes... five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Hotmail.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: ....Who the hell transfered this call to me???
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point. The guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now hit the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Computer Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A black one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button?
Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it.
Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen?
Customer: ...Oh! ...wait a minute..... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.'
I've even lifted the printer over and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer..
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the room.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274.
Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't open Yahoo calender.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes... five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Hotmail.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: ....Who the hell transfered this call to me???
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point. The guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now hit the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Lord, Give me a sense of humor.
Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks !
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Lord, Give me a sense of humor.
Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks !
YoursSINSerely
Still East of the River
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2009
- Posts
- 19,443
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A few more bad Jokes
Good one Sin. Glad to see you posting on the humor thread!
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Good one Sin. Glad to see you posting on the humor thread!
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,217
TO OUR MY SENIOR FRIENDS
GREETINGS
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my right leg!
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.
MAY GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU
Have a great 2012
GREETINGS
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my right leg!
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.
MAY GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU
Have a great 2012
- Status
