Feedback for nudist beach/cuckold poem.

DandJ69

Mrs & Mr
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
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https://www.literotica.com/p/on-the-beach-50

I had a go at my first ‘erotic’ poem recently.
As you will see, it’s about a well hung man seducing a woman on a nudist beach, while her husband watches on.
Would love some feedback. Be as critical as you want, I don’t offend easily.
Hopefully it may turn one or two of you on too!

Fyi it is quite graphic.
 
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If you care to search it out there's a thread about hackneyed old cliches to avoid like the plague, when writing poetry, especially useful if all you can write is dirty ditties. Erotic poetry is something different entirely.
 
Sure, I guess erotic poem wouldn’t be the best way to describe it then. it’s not really intended to be a serious piece, It’s more a naughty rhyme I guess. Just a bit of fun designed to get a few dicks hard.
Even if it conjures up a kinky image for one or two of the few people that read it, then it does what it was designed for.

Although i take on board your point about cliches and I am in the process of writing more serious stuff.

Sorry if it wasn’t for you, I appreciate the feedback though!
 
Sure, I guess erotic poem wouldn’t be the best way to describe it then. it’s not really intended to be a serious piece, It’s more a naughty rhyme I guess. Just a bit of fun designed to get a few dicks hard.
Even if it conjures up a kinky image for one or two of the few people that read it, then it does what it was designed for.

Although i take on board your point about cliches and I am in the process of writing more serious stuff.

Sorry if it wasn’t for you, I appreciate the feedback though!

i look forward to seeing your other stuff, I've written many dirty dittys myself, but I do try to stay away from cliches.
 

A vast improvement and a good choice of subject. Now you might like look at using lines of the same metrical length if you're still going to write in rhyme. Yours are all over the place and make the reader trip up instead of having a smooth read, plus you have past tense and present in the same stanza. I thought at first you were describing the use of a sex toy, because you haven't fleshed out the other man........... made him a person.
 
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