A Night Out With Monica

Hello fellow authors.

I'm looking for some constructive feedback. I wrote it a little while ago but I think it's one of my better pieces. Would love to know what you think of it. It's a tale about a a young woman called Semra who is led astray by manager called Monica - a woman who leads an alternative lifestyle.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-out-with-monica

Thanks

MaxS2018 said:

Hello fellow authors.

I'm looking for some constructive feedback. I wrote it a little while ago but I think it's one of my better pieces. Would love to know what you think of it. It's a tale about a a young woman called Semra who is led astray by manager called Monica - a woman who leads an alternative lifestyle.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-out-with-monica

Thanks

Click to expand...

Except: From your story

"Semra. It's only fair you join me. But we can't talk about work or kids."

"I don't have kids."

"Good point. Of course, you haven't. OK. without me talking of kids, then."

"It's just..."

"You're pregnant?"
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I didn’t read much of your story. The dialogue seems a little “forced”. I have a bit of difficultly following who is actually speaking. Pretty sure the name Serma to start isn’t a complete sentence with a period after it. It reads better with a comma.

The second line, “I don’t have kids.” - that’s a bit confusing. Who’s speaking? If it’s Serma, then who was speaking in the previous line?

You can get away with using OK in dialogue, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t punctuated. It looks like a period and you start the next word “without” lower case. It’s difficult on the eyes. However it is written, it’s clumsy. I tend to write out the word as “okay”. Seriously, what’s the issue? You wrote a longer word “pregnant” so okay can be written out. Neither here nor there - just something to think about. Bottom line if you want the sentence to read half way descent. “Okay, without me talking about kids, then?”
It’s your call.

Lastly “It’s just...” This looks good, but I wouldn’t use (...) here. I get the feeling the dialogue isn’t trailing off, but rather being interrupted.

Reads better as:
“It’s just - ” so and so begins.
“You’re pregnant,” so and so interrupts.

This part of the conversation is confusing. It can be seen as a “question” as in “Are you pregnant?”
However, in that situation, I would tend to be making an obvious statement. You’re pregnant as in I’m noticing a rounded belly or reading body language. As I said this is awkward to me as the reader. There’s not a lot of context to use here.

Okay, some other writers are going to pick it apart. I’m only putting in my 2¢ worth. Overall, what I read was interesting. I can tell you’re from England. As an American, I have no issue reading the language differences, word usage or understanding the way you’re conveying things. Keep up the good work.
Kant

MaxS2018 said:

Hello fellow authors.

I'm looking for some constructive feedback. I wrote it a little while ago but I think it's one of my better pieces. Would love to know what you think of it. It's a tale about a a young woman called Semra who is led astray by manager called Monica - a woman who leads an alternative lifestyle.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-out-with-monica

Thanks

Click to expand...

Similar feedback. In having trouble finding a voice for Monica. The way she kind of steamrolls to conversation gives me a bit of a Groucho Marx vibe which I doubt you're going for.

Specific notes:
"Maybe, Monica, I've gotten too comfortable spending my Friday nights on the marital couch."
The Monica in the middle feels awkward.

Me and Monica
Monica and I (pet peeve of mine)