Vanilla Hubby

I've always been a bit shy in the bedroom and it has taken me almost 20 years to get to where I'm not afraid to ask for what I want and to be more open to new things. My husband has always been good with what ever I've wanted but now that I'm more open to new things, he's very reluctant. I don't know if he thinks this is a phase that will not last long or if I'm not serious. I've tried to talk to him, tried to show him, left naughty coupons, bought more toys, I've started sending naughty messages, I've blind folded and tied him up and brought out the chocolate syrup, etc. I want him to open up and tell me what his fantasies are but the only response I get is watching me get turned on is enough for him. Grrrrr!!!! I want him to step up and be in charge for a change! Do to me what I've done to him. Surprise me! I'm running out of ideas. Can anyone help or have more suggestions?

He may be the same. It might take him longer to over cum his shyness. I would just keep at it. Talk with him about it. Maybe just start new things, new clothes, toys, different positions would help him.

Might be time for you to cuck him.

Paintsgalore77 said:

I want him to open up and tell me what his fantasies are but the only response I get is watching me get turned on is enough for him.

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Not everyone has fantasies, either mild or wild. My wife is one. It was frustrating at times for both of us. I wanted her to open up and be more adventurous and she felt hurt that (in her view) she wasn't enough for me the way that she is, and resentful that I kept pushing. If he says that watching you get turned on turns him on, then you might need to accept his word for it.

Paintsgalore77 said:

I want him to step up and be in charge for a change! Do to me what I've done to him. Surprise me!

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Have you told him this? I think that a lot of us make the mistake of making love to our partner the way that we want to be treated as a way to communicate our needs, instead of telling them what we want. What seems to end up happening instead is that our lover mistakenly learns that it's what we want to do rather than have done., if that makes any sense.

In a nutshell, my suggestion is to talk to him. Communicate what you would like, but be accepting of who he is. Pay very close attention to how he responds, so that you don't push him too far outside of his comfort zone. Hopefully you can take him there gently and lovingly.

It takes a vivid imagination to innovate between the sheets. Some people have it, most don't, and call us kinky.

Well I'm here to tell it's bitter sweet to read about this going on in someone's life besides mine . I'm a little older than my wife and I love being in love . I take care of our relationship, (my relationship) i am attentive to her wants and needs I listen I read I express my desire to keep her and myself alive and hot not letting things go cold. She says she dont have fantasy and I think Bulls hit everyone has fantasies . And I do believe everyone does but to express those thoughts are harder for some. I thought everything that ways wrong she didn't desire me love me etc. Finally I just let the door stay like it was come or go either way im gonna be me express myself share my thoughts and love her. She has tried more things since then . Sometimes the less you want something the more it will come to you.

so many other areas of your life can affect things in the bedroom - maybe he is feeling intimidated or a little emasculated by other things in your relationship - or outside money, work, stress etc.
All of these things can kill your energy, imagination and sex drive.
If you can get to the root and find a better balance it could really help.

I guess you have to help him to feel free and comfortable in expressing what he likes and how he sees things between you in the future.
Reading random stories or compilations together and talking about hot themes and moments that turned you on is a good way to explore kinks without the pressure of coming up with a specific idea or situation.

Pouring chocolate sauce on a vanilla husband is still a vanilla sundae.

People are the flavor they are. The fact that he's willing to accommodate your flavor is really the right direction. Expecting him to magically have some rich Fantasy Life that he's just not sharing with you is unrealistic.

The first thing you will have to do is talk. Don't assume he is reading your hints correctly.

Being able to talk to one another is the key to it all. Good luck.

LukesterLA said:

Might be time for you to cuck him.

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Never understood cuck. Is there a simple definition?

Bruno0639 said:

Never understood cuck. Is there a simple definition?

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Urban Dictionary's Definition and Example:
"Cuck --- Like the bird, the female or wife is able to leave for another spouse or mistress and the male or husband knowing and alowwing the action.
I let my wife cuck because I feel she may do whatever and whomever she wants."
Other examples were more amusing.

Maybe he isn't innately dominant?

We have been talking more about everything lately. He doesn't want to tell me his fantasies because he says that they are dark and twisted and he wants to keep me away from that side of him. I gently replied that we should at least talk about a few of them and at least give me a choice. He never knows, it might have been something that I've considered too.
Also he says that me wanting to try new things is making the sex feel more scripted and he prefers it to be spontaneous. So I go a notebook and started writing down things I want to try at least once to see how we feel about them, some of my naughty dreams that had me coming in my sleep, etc. I wrote a note in there explaining that these are some of the things I would like to at least try. That way he knew and IF he decided to try one once in a while it would keep the level of spontaneity that he likes.
Really hoping this will help him be a little braver in cracking open the door to his own wants. Wish me luck!

This popped up on FB, as it does
How to Make Sex and Relationships Work When Only One of You Is Kinky
http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/how-to-make-sex-and-relationships-work-when-only-one-of-you-is-kinky

Paintsgalore77 said:

We have been talking more about everything lately. He doesn't want to tell me his fantasies because he says that they are dark and twisted and he wants to keep me away from that side of him. I gently replied that we should at least talk about a few of them and at least give me a choice.

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It's good to hear that you are making some progress!

It seems to me that you have uncovered something important in your relationship, and the heart of the matter may not really be about sex. He told you that after 20 years of marriage he is still withholding a part of himself from you. I think that it's important to understand why he is doing that when he should feel that he can share anything with you. Is he afraid that you won't approve, or is he ashamed or embarrassed about a part of himself?

It just seems to me that asking him to share something that he has been keeping from you for so long shouldn't be about whether or not you may want to try it. In fact, if your only response is "yeah, that's too much for me" then that rejection may be unintentionally reinforcing whatever has been keeping him from sharing.

I guess what I am saying is that he may find that sharing this part of himself with you makes him feel extremely vulnerable. Be careful about making this about spicing up your sex life. This is just my opinion, but it would seem important to first deepen your relationship and make him feel completely and unconditionally accepted especially if he doesn't completely accept whatever his fantasies may be. From there, maybe explore if he even wants to try those fantasies in real life before you tell him whether or not you want to.

Best to you both

LukesterLA said:

Might be time for you to cuck him.

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This is what I was thinking too. If you being turned on is enough, then maybe talk to him about things that turn you on, and tell him you need more than just being turned on.

......

Doug_Hinson said:

You should turn on your PMs.

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did you have an invitation or something?

Oh I get it - they have posted twice

Bruno0639 said:

Never understood cuck. Is there a simple definition?

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I assumed it was a typo for chuck him, which seemed a bit harsh but so does cuckold him.

Twenty years of being vanilla.

Maybe he's happy being vanilla.

I'm in the same situation as you and have had no luck getting my husband interested in the things I need. He's made a couple of honest attempts, but nothing to the extent that I want to experience. I've tried everything, just as you have. Unfortunately for me, I'm afraid that I have to accept that it's just not part of who he is. He doesn't have it in him to be a Dominant. That leaves me in a rather precarious situation.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me. I feel your pain. I really do.