The Saddest Anchor (closed for DeliciousMaiden)

He watched the car as she drove away, turned and found a slight figure standing in the window of Grace's study, but the blinds was drawn, so he dismissed it, must have been a reflection from one of the trees. He went about his day, heating up the leftovers for dinner and he wrote a few chapters before he decided to go to bed.

The next day found him up early, this time he sat on the back porch, drinking coffee as he looked out over the lake. Strangely enough he actually wished for a drink, so he poured himself one, but after that he was strangely satiated. It became apparent that he had to get some breakfast and he headed to the kitchen, fixing himself some food and making more coffee.
 
It was the middle of the next morning when Sarah called Johnathan.
She had resisted the urge to contact Patrick the previous day, after all she knew full well that he would suggest setting up equipment, regular monitoring and an attempt to collect physical data as evidence of a spiritual presence. Somewhat bizarrely, for once in her life, evidence wasn't what Sarah was seeking. It flew in the face of everything she knew and held to be true, but there was no other explanation for what had occurred other than Grace was present in the house and had, to some extent at least, attempted to communicate.
For some reason Sarah could see her and hear her and yet Johnathan could not.
And perhaps it was that which formed part of the mystery?

"Hi, it's me ... Sarah ... "

She announced.

"I've been thinking about out situation ... about Grace ... "

She told him cautiously.

"I'd really like to talk through a few ideas with you, Johnathan, but away from the house, for ... obvious reasons ... "

She hoped he would not see this as being clandestine, somehow cheating behind his wife's back for it was all intended to help her, to help them ...

"I was wondering if you wanted to come into town for a visit ... today ... tomorrow ... or as soon as you're free ... ?"

She suggested.

" ... we could chat in my consulting room if you're most comfortable there ... or come up to the place I laughingly call my apartment ... ?"

Again she hoped that she wasn't being pushy.

"We could get a meal out or, if you'd like me to, I could cook for you ... ?"

She offered.
 
He had been expecting the phone to ring, to be honest he did expect Sarah to call him, after picking up he listened to her

"Hi, it's me ... Sarah ... I've been thinking about our situation ... about Grace ... I'd really like to talk through a few ideas with you, Johnathan, but away from the house, for ... obvious reasons ... I was wondering if you wanted to come into town for a visit ... today ... tomorrow ... or as soon as you're free ... ? We could chat in my consulting room if you're most comfortable there ... or come up to the place I laughingly call my apartment ... ? We could get a meal out or, if you'd like me to, I could cook for you ... ?"

He smiled slightly, the way she spoke made it very clear that she was very uncomfortable about this, but was sticking to her promise to help him.

"Well then, I am in need of some fresh juice and some meat, so I will come into town. We can start at your consultation room and if it takes long enough I will take up that offer of food."

He looked at the Cheshire clock, there wasn't lots of time before lunch, so perhaps the offer was not that far-fetched.

"I'll be leaving now and I'll come over before I get the groceries, that way it will not sit out in the car and I won't have to try and remember it if you do offer cooling facilities. I will see you in a few minutes."

After saying goodbye and hanging up, he slipped into a fresh shirt, brushed his teeth, made certain the house was locked, got into his car and with a long stare at the house, actually hoping for some sign and finding not even a breeze, he pulled out of the driveway and drove into town.
 
"Well then, I am in need of some fresh juice and some meat, so I will come into town. We can start at your consultation room and if it takes long enough I will take up that offer of food."

She noted that he preferred the professional venue which gave her the clue she needed as to how to approach this with him.

"I'll be leaving now and I'll come over before I get the groceries, that way it will not sit out in the car and I won't have to try and remember it if you do offer cooling facilities. I will see you in a few minutes."

So quickly!?! She managed to sound calm as she agreed to see him then and directed him to come into the Doctor's reception where she'd meet him before hanging up the phone.

"Oh my God... "

She stood for long seconds eyes fixed on the phone as her mind ran in so many directions that she could not catch a single thought.

"Professional ... be professional ... "

She told herself with a grimace. This was something that her own expertise could not address, but it would at least give her a starting point. Not that it made a difference, apart from to her own confidence, but she changed out of her jeans in favour of grey tailored trousers and shed the t-shirt in favour of the white blouse. A jacket would be going too far and so she threw a grey cardigan over the top in an attempt to make her outfit smart-casual rather than professional. She allowed her hair to remain loose.

As she made her way downstairs, she reflected on the irony that with only limited time to prepare she had focused upon her appearance rather than any kind of reading or list making. She could have a field day analysing herself and her actions in regard to helping Johnathan and Grace, but she would waste no time on that until much later after the event ...

Having descended via the back stairs, she headed for her tiny office and put on the heaters then set the coffee pot in action. She ran a critical eye over the room and sighed thinking it a shame that the space had yet to be put to any actual use. She had been provided with a large leather chair which fitted behind a modest desk, but could be pulled out and set to one side of the low glass topped table which was positioned before a leather couch. She had neutralised any possible austerity of the room by the addition of oversized cushions, one of which she put into her own chair which she pulled out to position at a 45 degree angle to the sofa hoping that the therapist-client dynamic wasn't too overpowering.

Satisfied with the set up, Sarah made her way in the opposite direction towards the reception, greeting the lady at the front desk and heading for the tiny kitchen to gather a pair of mugs and to snag a modest selection of biscuits upon a small plate.

"I'm expecting ... "

She was informing the desk as Johnathan came through into reception.

"Hi ... I was just getting some refreshments,"

She indicated the supplies she was still carrying.

"Want to come this way?"

She invited leading him down the small corridor to the usually private back room of the surgery.

"Make yourself comfortable,"

She gestured to the sofa.

"Hope you'll join me for coffee?"

She offered setting down coasters and two mugs.

"Help yourself ... "

She gestured towards the plate which she set before him.

"Welcome to my yet-to-be-used consulting room.... "

She quipped trying to gauge just how at ease he was with this before deciding just how to proceed.
 
The only thing he did before he left was to brush his teeth, he entered the building dressed in brown hiking boots, well-used and sturde, his faded blue jeans used to be a perfect fit, but now it seemed a few sized too big, he wore a white t-shirt and over it a red-checked flannel shirt, rolled up sleeves and his beard stubbled with his hair in a slight disarray, he was surprised to meet Sarah at the entrance, her hands filled with cups and a plate with biscuits. Dutifully he followed her, running a practised eye over the set-up of her office. At her offer he took a seat, accepted coffee and gently refused a biscuit, well that lasted until he got coffee. He leaned back into the sofa, ran a hand through his hair, disheveling them further,

"So Sarah, what brings me out here? Apart from your company, offer of food and lovely visage?"

He asked it so matter-of-factly that it should have taken her a moment or two to understand that he had just payed her two compliments in one sentence. He gave her a slight smile,

"And now you can call your office officially used, I would like to offer some of my time today to further your studies, if I may and if that will help you."
 
She watched him take a seat as she tended to the coffee machine. In the reception area he stood apart from the townsfolk and obviously had made no attempt to fit in she had noticed with amusement. Yet he seemed relaxed enough as she handed him his mug of coffee and then prepared one for herself.

"So Sarah, what brings me out here? Apart from your company, offer of food and lovely visage?"

His comment seemed so uncharacteristic and yet was so casually made that she actually did a double take not sure that she'd heard him right.

"And now you can call your office officially used, I would like to offer some of my time today to further your studies, if I may and if that will help you."

She sipped her coffee buying time.

"The intention was not to use you for my research, Johnathan."

She told him.

"It never was ... "

Even though she had intended to discuss Grace and possible ways forward it was difficult not to slip naturally into her consultation mode.

"What would you like to talk about?"

Some might call it a therapist's classic opener, but Sarah genuinely wondered what had motivated him to come to see her and so its seemed within her professional capacity.

"... if you just want to have coffee, then that's fine. If you want to talk about Grace... then of course we can do that ... "

She helped herself to a biscuit and shrugged, opening it up to Johnathan to indicate which direction he wanted this to go in.
 
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He smiled,

"You didn't come to me just to meet the recluse writer with an alcohol problem, but I understand, see this as a mutually beneficial practice then. You can do your work and I will not feel offended by it...like I seemed a few days ago."

He settled back into the couch,

"What would I want to talk about...well since I had a good childhood, got along with everybody and slipped into the world of writing easily I would hazard a guess that there isn't a problem there."

He paused,

"Please feel free to stop me and ask questions about anything I say or you may think about."

He ran a hand through his hair,

"After a few years of making a living from writing and doing an apprenticeship as carpenter, I made enough money to focus solely on writing. As my books became more popular, I attracted more critics and that is how I met Grace."

He smiled slightly,

"Well at first she was hardnosed and stubborn, but the more we got to do with eachother the more we warmed up to each other and the rest is history as they say."

He paused again, allowing her to ask questions, because the next part he didn't like to talk about
 
"You didn't come to me just to meet the recluse writer with an alcohol problem, but I understand, see this as a mutually beneficial practice then."

He seemed to be analysing her, or at best drawing conclusions about her.

"You can do your work and I will not feel offended by it...like I seemed a few days ago."

She was amused by his insistence upon playing patient and watched him settle down on the couch in preparation for his 'session'.

"What would I want to talk about...well since I had a good childhood, got along with everybody and slipped into the world of writing easily I would hazard a guess that there isn't a problem there."

Sarah did not comment. Despite his comments to the contrary he was treating her like a psychiatrist, a shrink.

"Please feel free to stop me and ask questions about anything I say or you may think about."

She shook her head and gestured for him to continue. Far be it from her to interrupt his flow.

"After a few years of making a living from writing and doing an apprenticeship as carpenter, I made enough money to focus solely on writing. As my books became more popular, I attracted more critics and that is how I met Grace... Well at first she was hardnosed and stubborn, but the more we got to do with each other the more we warmed up to each other and the rest is history as they say."

For long moments, Sarah sipped at her coffee, before setting the mug down on the table between them.

"So that covers what you want to tell me; what you think I want to hear to tick my boxes ... "

She summarised.

"So ... what about the part I need to hear, but you don't actually want to tell me about, Johnathan...?"

She prompted softly.
 
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He smiled slightly,

"To tick your boxes you need the clipboard."

How remarkable it was that right then he found in her more a person to talk to and make a joke with than the hostile entity he had first thought her to be. He took a deep breath, looking down into the darkness of the coffee inside his cup,

"Her work took her away regularly, my contract had me leave most of the time as well. We spent our times together as best we could, did everything together that we enjoyed. From talking about what I was writing, to the latest review she was working on."

He kept looking into the cup, picking at scabs that he did not want to open, did not want to go through the hurt of remembering again,

"She had returned from France, I was on a flight in...usually we pick up milk when we come in, but she forgot and decided to walk the block to the grocer. On her way back...twenty minutes before I landed, a driver under the influence lost control and..."

He paused then, almost unable to say it, he wasn't there, but he could see it happen, slow motion, freeze frame motion as the car swerved, brakes squealed, the shock on Grace's face and the impact, a dull, sickening crunch.

"He didn't even have the decency to stay, he tried to run away. He didn't even run her over...smashed her into the wall."

He looked up at Lisa,

"You know the annoying thing about it all? The milk didn't even get so much as scratched."

He took a deep breath, and looked away from those eyes which reminded him so much of Grace's eyes. His voice was neutral when he continued,

"I arrived to find a policeman waiting for me at the airport, I figured they phoned my mobile and heard that I was flying in. It was one of the worst moments in my life right there, I know any man would be ashamed to admit to crying, but I did. I had to go to the morgue to identify her...that was even worse. Then the visits, calls, mail everything that my agent should have handled streamed in, overwhelming me and after the funeral I fled. I came here to get away from it all."
 
In truth, Sarah didn't know exactly what it was that Johnathan needed to say, but it soon became apparent that he needed to talk about Grace, about losing her. She smiled at his jocular clipboard comment and watched him compose himself before beginning to talk.

"She had returned from France, I was on a flight in...usually we pick up milk when we come in, but she forgot and decided to walk the block to the grocer.
On her way back...twenty minutes before I landed, a driver under the influence lost control and..."


Inwardly Sarah flinched knowing what must be coming.
Somehow her 'professionalism' kicked in and she remained silent as she watched him relive it, watched him force himself to continue.

"He didn't even have the decency to stay, he tried to run away.
He didn't even run her over...smashed her into the wall."


The image he painted was horrendous. She empathised with his bitterness.
Her eyes locked with his as finally Johnathan moved his attention from the coffee cup to her.

"You know the annoying thing about it all? The milk didn't even get so much as scratched."

She gave a soft smile and nodded. Again that classic deflection.
Part of her observed him as a therapist, yet her heart ached for his grief, his loneliness.
Still she had not spoken and still there seemed more he wanted, needed to say.

"I arrived to find a policeman waiting for me at the airport, I figured they phoned my mobile and heard that I was flying in. It was one of the worst moments in my life right there, I know any man would be ashamed to admit to crying, but I did."

Sarah could not begin to imagine what he had gone through.
There was no shame in a man crying, and certainly not with so much cause.

"I had to go to the morgue to identify her...that was even worse."

It seemed that the floodgates had opened. All the images and memories Johnathan had been running from for so long came pouring forth.

"Then the visits, calls, mail everything that my agent should have handled streamed in, overwhelming me and after the funeral I fled. I came here to get away from it all."

And that was what the alcohol had been about ... escape ...

The silence stretched between them. Sarah knew she would say something professional, something informative. Perhaps she should tell him that this was the first stage to working through what had happened, to facing his demons, or perhaps, less professionally she should tell him that Grace's body was no longer broken, that based on the apparition Sarah had seen, Grace was not suffering?
Instead she rose from her chair and came to sit beside him, wordlessly taking his hand in hers and holding it for long moments, feeling him wrestling with the grief, which threatened to overwhelm him.

"I'm sorry... "

Useless words, so little to say and offering no solution or comfort, but to respond simplistically would be insulting to the depth of emotion the man had shared with her.

"Thank you for telling me, Johnathan."

She told him softly instead. She only hoped that he saw her as a friend and not just the therapist she had first approached him as.
 
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He was dimly aware that she moved seats, he jolted slightly when she took his hand, he looked first at her hand and then up at her, into those eyes...they looked so much alike, the soul behind those eyes so much the same, but the personalities so different...he heard her voice, touched with concern for him, tinged with emotions that did not belong to the professional, more to somebody who shared his pain, a friend. He squeezed her hand and gave her a slight smile,

"And then I started drinking, the usual was true, when you drink you don't forget, you remember. I did find though that if you drank enough, you didn't remember either."

He grimaced,

"If not from anything else, you did save me from killing my liver. Though I did have this very silly notion to just drink myself to death and finish at least a few books before I died."
 
He made no comment, no acknowledgement, but accepted her hand on his and squeezed it wordlessly, his expression momentarily less than grim as his eyes locked with hers. If Lisa could ease his pain, give him strength by willing then she would have.

"And then I started drinking, the usual was true, when you drink you don't forget, you remember. I did find though that if you drank enough, you didn't remember either."

Sarah nodded. She had seen first hand just how bad things had gotten.

"If not from anything else, you did save me from killing my liver.
Though I did have this very silly notion to just drink myself to death and finish at least a few books before I died."


She flinched at his words. She had known he had become desperate, but until he voiced his thoughts she had not quite realised just to what extent.

"... which is why Grace can't leave you yet ... "

She found the comment slipping from her lips.

"How could she lose you to drink when she lost her life to the same?"

Sarah dared to question.
 
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He stared at her for a few moments,

"That could indeed be true, how she would react to me drinking that much."

He shuddered,

"She did have quite a fiery temper when it came to how I treated myself, even my public image was important."

He smiled slightly as a good memory passed him by,

"Like when I tried to grow a beard, she was livid and by the time it had grown to aspects which resembled a logger who haven't shaven for the whole six month haul, I woke up with a clean shave. She had snipped it off while I was asleep."

As he spoke the words he had to chuckle,

"She really was something else."
 

"That could indeed be true, how she would react to me drinking that much."


It was as if he was only considering that thought for the first time.
Sarah could easily tell him that she was less than impressed.

"She did have quite a fiery temper when it came to how I treated myself, even my public image was important."

Sarah watched his face become animated, relaxing into a smile as he recounted the memory.

"Like when I tried to grow a beard, she was livid and by the time it had grown to aspects which resembled a logger who haven't shaven for the whole six month haul, I woke up with a clean shave. She had snipped it off while I was asleep."

She laughed with him as he concluded.

"She really was something else."

Sarah let that memory linger before adding.

"She still is. And is very protective of you."

She spoke of Grace as if she were a fact, a live entity.

"I can't believe she nearly drowned me. She thought that was hilarious by the way..."

Sarah frowned in mock resentment.

"Scared the hell out of me and she knew it."

She let go of Johnathan's hand and relaxed back on the sofa as she sat beside him.

"I don't think either of you can let go yet ... "

Sarah dared to hypothesise.

" ... but in time ... you will release each other ... let each other go ... "

She halted realising that she was beginning to sound like Patrick.

"Sorry ... I'm no expert of course, but ... you never got to say your goodbyes, so ... perhaps that is simply what all this is about...?"

She held her breath wondering how he would react to her speculations.
 
He drank his coffee in silence, mulling over the words that she had spoken, running a hand over his jaw, feeling the stubble already growing to an uncomfortable length,

"You know what...I do not even feel that I could argue with you on that one."

He turned to her,

"OK so I know you are not a psychiatrist, but one can not say goodbye to everything. Part of who I am is what she made me, memories good and bad, all of them collected in our married lives, I can not lose it all and I have this strange feeling that I have just jumped to a conclusion that you did not aim for."

He chewed his lips thoughtfully,

"Basically let go of the pain of not having her around anymore, accept the fact that she will not come through the door, that I will never read new reviews of her, but keep the good memories, but also not allow memories of her to rule my future and what it brings? Something like that?"
 
He didn't dismiss her well intentioned words and seemed to be considering them.

"You know what...I do not even feel that I could argue with you on that one."


She was relieved that he didn't tell her to mind her own business.

"OK so I know you are not a psychiatrist, but one can not say goodbye to everything. Part of who I am is what she made me, memories good and bad, all of them collected in our married lives, I can not lose it all ...
... and I have this strange feeling that I have just jumped to a conclusion that you did not aim for."


It wasn't what she was suggesting to him at all, but Sarah did not have to tell him that, Johnathan realised that as he spoke.

"Basically let go of the pain of not having her around anymore, accept the fact that she will not come through the door, that I will never read new reviews of her, but keep the good memories, but also not allow memories of her to rule my future and what it brings? Something like that?"

He was asking her to define, to explain to him what he had to do and Sarah was the last person to be in a position to comment on dealing with the loss of the person who had been the love of his life.

"No, not quite ... "

She responded softly.

"Memories, the impact someone has on our lives, you should never ever let go of that."

She told him.

"Grace will always be your wife and you her husband.
And nothing is going to take away the pain of you being separated."


She prayed she wasn't making the whole situation worse with her words.

"But you have to take that with you and be the best you can be, the best she would want you to be. She doesn't want you to destroy yourself, to give up, Johnathan. She can't undo what happened anymore than you can. But I am sure that Grace wants you to live, live life as fully as you can, if only in honour of her memory to start with ..."
 
He nodded slowly, he had to admit that he understood, but it wasn't that easy...he knew that it wouldn't be that easy, Grace had been more than just part of his life, she had re-invented him, allowed him to be his own person, only a better version of what he had been before, he turned and sank back into the sofa,

"Ugh... I really could do with a drink now."

He chuckled and looked up at the ceiling as he sat stretched out,

"You know, for a few days I had believed that I have lost what last semblance of a mind I had left. I even spoke to my Cheshire cat wall clock, the one in the kitchen? That one. I felt loonier than the Mad Hatter, who also had a bad turn of events in his life to send him over the edge."
 
"Ugh... I really could do with a drink now."

For some reason his comment made her laugh, not least because she felt like she could use a drink also. Beside her, he stretched and seemed to let down his defences still more.

"You know, for a few days I had believed that I have lost what last semblance of a mind I had left."

Lisa touched his arm in silent support as he continued.

"I even spoke to my Cheshire cat wall clock, the one in the kitchen? That one. "

She nodded. She had noticed it.

"I felt loonier than the Mad Hatter, who also had a bad turn of events in his life to send him over the edge."

She could not imagine what he had gone through.

"But you're doing better now. And through all that Grace didn't leave you, Johnathan. She wants you safe and sane."

She hesitated before adding,

"And ... for what it's worth ... so do I ... "
 
He felt her touch and found it strangely reassuring, as was her words,

"Coming from you, it means a lot."

He turned his face to look at her, a smile coming over his lips,

"I don't think Grace tried to drown you, she wanted to bash our heads together hard enough so that we could listen and learn. Or that is kind of my theory on that."

His smile turned into a grin,

"And so far I must say that it seemed to have worked, I have paused to listen to you haven't I?"
 
"Coming from you, it means a lot."

Sarah felt ridiculously happy at his words and so relieved that she had not offended or still worse upset him further.

"I don't think Grace tried to drown you, she wanted to bash our heads together hard enough so that we could listen and learn.
Or that is kind of my theory on that."


She was pleased to see him smiling.

"I'm sure you're right, Johnathan. But that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy it.
She was laughing and I'm sure she thought it totally justified."


Sarah conceded grudgingly.

"And so far I must say that it seemed to have worked, I have paused to listen to you haven't I?"

Sarah nodded slowly.

" ... yes ... I guess it shows that Grace knows best."

She conceded.

" ... and that rather than fretting about doing the right thing we should just let Grace guide us ... she knows she has our full attention now ... "

She hugged him close and drew back.

"I guess we're at the pausing and listening stage. Doesn't make it hurt less I know, but ... it's progress ...?"

She hoped that he saw it in that light.
 
"And any step taken in the name of progress is a step worth taking, especially when it enlightens one to other possibilities than those previously believed to be the best."

He scooped up a biscuit and lazed back again, nibbling on the treat,

"I guess I did regard you as an enemy when you first came to me. How wrong can one person be?"
 
"And any step taken in the name of progress is a step worth taking, especially when it enlightens one to other possibilities than those previously believed to be the best."

Sarah nodded and watched as he seemed to relax. She reached for the coffee pot and took her mug to top up and offered the same to him.

"I guess I did regard you as an enemy when you first came to me.
How wrong can one person be?"


She laughed.

"You did give me a pretty hard time."

She agreed.

"I only ever wanted to help, but I can see why you have an aversion to doctors and why wouldn't you think that I was just exploiting you for academic purposes?"

She asked summarising the accusations he had flung at her.

"I would have walked away, left you alone ... but once I saw Grace ... I couldn't ... "

She laughed.

" ... and so that lady gets the credit once more ... "

Sarah observed hoping that fact was a comfort to Johnathan.
 
He smiled slightly,

"Yes, she did have a knack for that and it seems that she still do."

He scratched a cheek,

"I'm just curious as to how it works, does your soul dictate personality traits, or are personality traits imprinted on the soul. I never actually got to that question during the studies I did for my book."

He shrugged,

"And also why can't she talk? Where does she draw her power from? I mean to move things, make ghostly connections possible through phones and computers, there has to be a source for her to be able to do these kinds of things."
 
"Yes, she did have a knack for that and it seems that she still do."

Sarah smiled softly and nodded. It was good for Johnathan to be sharing happy memories of his Grace she decided.

"I'm just curious as to how it works, does your soul dictate personality traits, or are personality traits imprinted on the soul. I never actually got to that question during the studies I did for my book ... And also why can't she talk? Where does she draw her power from? I mean to move things, make ghostly connections possible through phones and computers, there has to be a source for her to be able to do these kinds of things."

Sarah laughed then.

"All questions I wish I could answer. I always said I was no expert. I'm way out of my depth here."

She considered.

"If you spoke to someone like Patrick, he would have his theories, but I do know from conversations with him that every spirit manifests itself in a different way, has different ways of communication, different limits of who it can communicate with and how ... but as to where that 'power' comes from ... "

She let her voice fade.

"Do you want to just let her remain and do what she feels she has to do or ... or do you want to try to contact her, talk to her ... not just through me but ... directly ...?"

Sarah eyed him anxiously wondering if she had crossed a line with even suggesting the possibility.
 
He pondered her answer and remark, Patrick sounded like an interesting man, he made a mental note that in the future he would as Patrick more about his work, it would be a way to get new insights. He picked up his cup, sipped on the coffee and placed it down,

"That is a very good question. To be honest I think I would feel better just knowing she's safe and happy. Of course there's some things I would like to say personally, but I can't talk to the air and pretend that she's there."

He gave a crooked smile,

"I can imagine so many things, but that is one thing that eludes me, to imagine Grace sitting or standing there, listening to me."

He shook his head, like trying to shake an image,

"If I try I keep seeing her on that morgue slab, it's just not right. I want to remember her like in the pictures, not just remember the good times, but to see her laughing and smiling."

He shrugged,

"But all I keep seeing is the final result of it all."
 
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